Reclaiming My Wife

by Jessica Blake

  “Jillian, aren’t you just ecstatic?” Cindy practically glowed. “You are going to be a celebrity doctor.”

  “No.” I shook my head emphatically. “I’m not a doctor yet, and I don’t want to be a celebrity doctor. I just want to clear up some misconceptions that people have about therapy, that’s all. I just want to help as many people as possible, but I don’t need fame.”

  Cindy frowned. “But you want success.”

  “I do, but success and fame are two different things. Success is meeting my own goals and not the standards of the press or the public. To me, success is opening my own office. Helping people. Maybe writing a book to help people who can’t see me.” Nervously, I wiped my hands on my black pants. Despite Cindy’s protests, I had dressed as conservatively as possible. Pulled my hair back. I didn’t want this to be about my looks. I wanted it to be about my talents. “I’m not doing this because I want my face splashed across every television. In fact, the very thought of that makes me want to throw up.”

  “Yeah, yeah.” Cindy waved her hands dismissively. “You’re doing it to help people. Is it really so hard for you to admit that this is a big opportunity for you and just be happy about it?”

  Understanding her point, I chuckled and inclined my head. “Now, who’s giving the advice?”

  “Am I wrong?” she demanded.

  “No. You’re not wrong. I am excited.” Taking a deep breath, I tried to find that calm center inside of myself, but my emotions were a hot mess. Right now, the only person that I wanted to talk to was Brendan. His voice could soothe me and remind me that this was everything I wanted.

  Used to want.

  Right then, I wanted to go home. Not to my apartment with Danielle but to that stupid horse ranch in the middle of nowhere where I could stroke Silva’s mane and bury myself in Brendan’s arms.

  I’d made a mistake.

  “Ten-second cue!” A woman’s frantic voice broke through my thoughts, and I slid off the chair and took one last look in the mirror. This was it.

  As we walked to the side of the stage, Joyce’s voice came in strong. “And now, the woman who has stolen everyone’s hearts on the silver screen and the woman who helps her keep it together, please welcome Cindy Collins and Jillian Quinn.”

  There was a loud applause, far too loud for the small crowd in the audience, and the lights were blinding as I walked onstage, but I’d been warned not to wince, so I focused instead on the woman greeting us. Joyce was a beautiful woman. Having been on television since she was a teenager, she’d aged well but had the help of a little plastic surgery along the way. Her trademark red hair was curled around her shoulders, and her creamy complexion was heavily caked with makeup, but I knew that was for the cameras. I felt a little bit like a painted doll myself.

  “Welcome, welcome!” Joyce hugged Cindy and me both as if we were old friends, and I tried to follow Cindy’s lead. I didn’t love being touch by a stranger, but I kept it together long enough to be seated.

  “Cindy, it’s so wonderful to have you on our show. Your upcoming film, Desert Hearts, is rumored to be a summer blockbuster hit! And Jillian, you have no idea how much I’ve looked forward to meeting you. Since your unveiling in the media, everyone is dying to know a little bit more about the therapist to the stars.”

  “Oh, not to the stars plural,” I said with a chuckle. “Just with Cindy. I’m actually just finishing up my dissertation. Until I went on hiatus to finish my paper, I was working at the local health clinic in group grief counseling.”

  “But she is absolutely amazing,” Cindy jumped in quickly. “I was having a rough night out and barely keeping it together, and this angel comes along and says all the right words to make me feel better. There wasn’t a chance that I was going to let her go. I can honestly say that Jillian has made me a stronger person for it.”

  My cheeks reddened just a little under the praise. Cindy was an excellent actress and put on a great face for the public, but the moment felt genuine. I’d never let myself believe that I was making progress with Cindy. I always wondered if maybe she kept me around because she was a little lonely.

  “So what kinds of issues were you dealing with, Cindy?”

  “Stress and anxiety and heartbreak.” Cindy’s tone dropped just a little. “I feel all this pressure for me to succeed, to push myself to be better, and it can be a heavy burden.”

  Joyce focused on me. “And how do you help a celebrity like Cindy deal with that pressure?”

  “The point that I’ve always tried to make with Cindy is that her emotions aren’t tied to her being a celebrity. They’re tied to her being human. These are the kinds of pressures that we all feel. We all feel stress and pressure from our jobs, whether it’s to make the boss happy or to make sure that our families are taken care of. Make sure that those we love are proud of us. Cindy sometimes gets wrapped up in the fear that her success should make her deliriously happy and that she shouldn’t be feeling these things. It kept her from really talking about it with anyone else, so when a stranger came along and the floodgates just opened, she realized that she needed help.”

  Joyce nodded. Her eyes were strangely bright. “Everyone feels stress, that’s for sure. And everyone deals with heartbreak. Do you think your experience with your husband has helped you in your therapy? Losing a husband and miscarrying a child at the tender age of eighteen could not have been easy. Did you seek therapy and is that why you refused your husband’s attentions in college?”

  My vision blurred, and I gripped the arm of the chair. “I’m sorry?”

  “And has helping Cindy had any effect on your rekindling your relationship with your husband? It must have been such a shock to realize that the divorce you thought you handled so seamlessly years ago wasn’t even legal, but it looks like the old spark is back. Let’s see the photo.”

  Horrified, I turned my head to the screen behind me and looked at the picture of Brendan and me at the gala we attended. I was dancing in his arms and looked every bit like a wife in love.

  “This was taken just a couple of weeks ago. Your life has had some major ups and downs. Does that help with your therapy?”

  I was going to throw up. Right here on television, in front of all of these people, I was going to hurl. Humiliation and betrayal stuck in my throat, making it difficult for me to swallow or even breathe.

  How could Brendan do this to me?

  “You know,” Cindy said quickly, giving me a worried glance, “I actually met Jillian’s husband just last week. I know that they got together when they hired an attorney to look into the matter, but it’s obvious that the two are handling it like pros. I was very impressed. I think I would have been a mess. But they act like old friends, and I guess that’s the upside to going through a tragedy.”

  My friend had given me a lifeline, and I grasped at it and pulled. “It’s true. Heartbreak can easily pull a family apart, and Brendan and I went through our dark moments. At that time, I made the mistake of not seeing a therapist. We made the mistake of taking our anger out on each other, and while it didn’t end well then, we’ve both grown and matured. We were able to handle the shock of our marriage still being intact, and now we’re handling the divorce, but we are still friends. Sometimes it’s hard to take our own advice, so I do turn to friends and coworkers in times like this to remind myself to practice what I preach. I’m sure we’ve all been there. A dose of your own medicine can be bitter.”

  There was a smattering of laughter in the audience. I took a deep breath to finish strong. “It’s also a reminder that we, as therapists, are not machines. We’re not just spouting textbook information. We take what we know and apply to the individual because we understand those same experiences, and I know that what I use to help Cindy wouldn’t help me.”

  I could see the faint lines of disappointment in Joyce’s face. She may not’ve been the show for salacious gossip, but she was hoping for it today. Obviously when Brendan tipped her off, he made it known how easily i
t could destroy me.

  Joyce murmured a few appropriate words and turned her attention to Cindy. As the interview wrapped up, I tried to temper my rage. When we finally took a break, I hugged Joyce like nothing horrible had just gone down and walked off the stage with my head held high. Stripping the microphone from my shirt, I plunked it down on the nearest table, grabbed my things, and headed straight for the exit.

  “Jillian, wait,” Cindy gasped. “You can’t go out that way. There’ll be a ton of reporters waiting. There’s a hidden entrance this way. Come on.”

  She grabbed my arm, and I let her lead me down a small hallway and out a side entrance. There was a car waiting for us, and she all but shoved me inside. As soon as the doors closed, she grabbed my hand. “I’m so sorry, Jillian. I had no idea about your baby, and I certainly didn’t think that Joyce would bring up your marriage. That was a horrible thing to do, and you can be sure that neither I nor any of my friends will be appearing on her show ever again.”

  I took a deep shuddering breath. “Excuse me,” I muttered as I rummaged through my purse and pulled out my phone. “There’s something that I need to take care of.”

  He answered on the second ring as though he’d been waiting for my call. “Jillian,” he said in a quiet voice. “I’m so glad you called.”

  “You listen to me, you son of a bitch. I trusted you. I even let myself fall back in love with you. An hour ago, I was telling myself that I wanted to come back to you and be with you, and then you go and humiliate me on national television. It’s not bad enough that you bring up our marriage and try to ruin my career, but you also had to bring up our child! That’s low, Brendan, even for you. If you were expecting me to fall apart, you’re going to be very disappointed. I will not let this be the thing that ends me, but it is definitely the thing that ends us.” I took a deep, fortifying breath. “I want my divorce, Brendan, and I don’t care how loud or dirty you try to make it. All I want is to be rid of you once and for all, so you can keep your money and shove your threats right up your ass.”

  Disgusted, I hung up on him, but I couldn’t stop trembling. Cindy reached over and grabbed my arm. “There’s champagne in here. I thought we might be celebrating, but it might be handy in this case too.”

  “I can’t.” The tears were threatening to fall.

  “Take your own advice, Jillian,” she said softly. “It’s okay to cry.”

  And I did. I cried for the child that I’d loved and lost. I cried for the boy that I’d loved and the man who’d betrayed me. I cried for myself, for losing all those years to my grief, and I cried for the child inside of me who would be born to a mother and a father who simply couldn’t forgive each other.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

  Brendan

  It had been a week since Jillian’s phone call. I couldn’t even begin to understand what she was accusing me of until I saw the taping of the show the next day. I wanted to drive my fist through the television and wrap my hands around that stupid host’s throat. You could practically see the glee in her eyes when she caught Jillian off guard. She’d wanted ratings, and she didn’t care who she destroyed in the process.

  And Jillian clearly thought that I was capable of being the man who could do that to her.

  A hollowness had settled in the pit of my stomach, and it stayed there for days. But when the calls started pouring in, first from Gordon wanting to know what I wanted him to do and then from different women in town offering me their sympathies for my upcoming divorce, the hollow turned into something old and familiar.

  Bitterness.

  I raged inside for days, and I threw myself into my work. I ran like a machine. Everyone kept their distance. Even Kim, who I expected to be at my throat, but I got nothing more than clipped greetings and to-the-point reports from everyone. Kim was gone when it came time for dinner, so I ate alone, showered, and went to bed.

  Exhaustion was setting in, but Jillian’s words kept haunting me and driving me. I saw her ghost everywhere I looked, felt her presence in every room and stall in which I’d touched her, and couldn’t get her scent out of my sheets no matter how many times I washed them. I was starting to lose my mind, but I couldn’t stop.

  I needed to work. If I just worked a little bit harder, I could forget about her.

  “Boss.” Ben stepped inside the office and cleared his throat. “The rest of the ranch hands have gone home for the weekend. I just wanted to remind you that Debra and I were taking off for the weekend as well. Is there anything you want me to do before I go?”

  Jealousy reared its ugly head. Ben had asked for the weekend away so he could take Debra to the beach for a romantic getaway. Something about how it was time, and he wanted to make it as perfect as possible. At the time, I’d been happy for him.

  Now, the darkest part of me wanted to make everyone as miserable as I was, but Ben hadn’t taken a damn vacation in two years. “No. Just go,” I growled.

  “I already checked with the hotel. We can do it next weekend. I know the fence needs mending in the pasture bordering the Blackwell land. I’d be happy to—”

  “For god’s sake, Ben, go fuck my horse trainer and quit bothering me about it,” I snapped.

  “Brendan,” he said coldly. He’d never taken that tone with me, and I looked up warily. “You don’t address Debra that way, at least not in front of me, and I prefer it if you didn’t do it at all. Do you understand?”

  Hot guilt seared through me, but I just straightened my spine. I owed him an apology, but it didn’t look like apologies did a whole hell of a lot of good around here. “Noted,” I said gruffly. “Go and enjoy your weekend. I’ve got Kim here to help me if I need it.”

  “Actually, you don’t. Kim told Debra that she was spending the weekend away as well.” Without an explanation, he turned and walked out.

  Kim was leaving this weekend without telling me? She was an adult, but she had responsibilities. This was her ranch too.

  Pissed, I shut down the computer and left the office. Striding across the dirt road back up to the house, I let my anger swell. By the time I’d stomped into the kitchen, I was ready to tear my sister a new one.

  “Ben just told me that you were leaving this weekend without telling me,” I said coldly. “Care to explain yourself?”

  She calmly finished loading up the dishwasher and turned it on. “I’m an adult. I don’t really think that I need to tell you where I’m going.”

  “I’m also your boss,” I hissed.

  “The hell you are.” Her eyes blazed as she straightened. “Although you certainly seem to be acting it lately. Forgive me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you just tell me a few months ago that this was my ranch too?”

  There was a storm brewing in the kitchen, but I didn’t let up. “Partners don’t just take off without warning either.”

  “It’s a weekend, Brendan. I don’t work weekends unless you ask me to,” she pointed out.

  She was right, but I didn’t care. I needed to lash out.

  “Ben and Debra are going out of town, a fact which I’m sure you’re well aware of, and I’m telling you to stay.”

  Clenching her fists, she narrowed her eyes. “I did know that Ben and Debra were going out of town. So did you. If you needed me, you should have said something before Friday night. I’ve made plans. I’ll be back Monday.”

  “Cancel them.”

  “No.” Her eyes flashed in anger. “You need to spend a couple of days by yourself. You’ve been an asshole ever since Jillian left, and I’m tired of it. I don’t want to be around you this weekend, and when I get back to work on Monday, we’re going to have a long talk before you run this ranch into the ground. The employees are exhausted. The horses are exhausted. They’re not used to working these new hours that you’re putting in, and you’re so focused on work that you wouldn’t even notice if the ranch went up in flames. You haven’t even noticed that Darling is pregnant or that Silva stopped eating. You sure as hell didn’t notice that you forgot t
o order feed for next month. So take this weekend, Brendan. Do what you need to do. Get drunk. Scream into the void but get your shit together. Get Silva eating again, and when I come back, you better be ready to talk.”

  I felt like I’d been slapped. She’d used the same tone with me that I used with her when I was tired of dealing with her theatrics, and her news hit me hard. Darling was pregnant? Silva wasn’t eating? How had I missed these things? All I’d done was focus on work.

  Or maybe I’d just been focused on forgetting about Jillian.

  After Kim left, I texted Gordon. He arrived a few hours later with a suitcase, three packs of beer, and a bottle of scotch. “No plans for this weekend?” I asked dryly as I let him in.

  “Of course I had plans,” he snorted. “Two dates with two fetching ladies. I had fantasies of having those dates overlap, but now I’m stuck with you. Are we drinking on the porch or in the kitchen?”

  “Neither,” I said grimly as I took the bottle from him. “Put the beer in the fridge and come with me.”

  He didn’t say a word as we walked outside and headed to Silva’s stall. Although the stallion wasn’t as bad off as before, I could see that he’d lost some weight, and I cursed myself.

  “Wonderful. Drinking in a barn,” Gordon sighed.

  Kim and Debra had apparently already moved Darling to the mare’s barn where she’d have the bigger stall. With her previous pregnancy, Darling had proved to be a protective mother and tended to be a little more aggressive. She needed her privacy, but that meant that Silva was all alone. With Jillian gone, he’d apparently lapsed back into his depression.

  I should have seen it coming. The stallion and I had something in common.

  “Quit whining.” I opened the gate and went inside to check him out. I wanted to make sure there wasn’t something else responsible for his eating habits. “Hey, boy. I hear that you aren’t eating. That just won’t do.” Running my hands along his body, I kept one palm flat up against his flank to see if it tensed or quivered. He patiently stood still while I checked him over, but I found no outward injuries.