If Ever I Loved You

by Phyllis Halldorson

  Oh yes, it was tempting to throw a few of their own rocks back at them, but it was too late now. There would just be a painful scene and they would still win. She had no intentions of living here with Peter as his wife, so it would be childish to stir up trouble in the Van Housen household.

  She rolled away from him and stood on her still rubbery legs. She straightened her rumpled clothes and said, "I don't want to confront your family, Peter, there's nothing to be gained. I'll never live here with you. You can delay my petition for dissolution from being heard for a while but when we finally go to court I'll win and you know it. Now I'm going home. If you won't take me I'll walk into Albion and hire someone to drive me to Mendocino."

  She turned and started to walk toward the redwood steps that led to the beach but Peter quickly stepped in front of her and held her by both arms. "Oh no, Gina, you're not going to run away again!"

  "Again!" she raged. "It wasn't me who ran away after we were married! You walked out and left me to face my family and friends, not to mention the newspaper reporters and curious bystanders. I didn't run away, I was forced to move out of San Francisco in order to preserve my sanity. Now step aside and let me go."

  His fingers tightened painfully on her upper arms and for a few seconds he glared at her with a rage almost equal to her own. Then, unexpectedly, his grim features softened and he dropped his hands from her arms and nodded with a weary resignation. "All right, I'll take you home," he said quietly and led her down the steps onto the beach and around the side of the house to his ebony Jaguar.

  He helped her into the passenger seat, then went around the car and slid under the steering wheel. "Hadn't you better tell your parents where you're going?" she asked.

  He inserted the key and turned it and the powerful engine roared to life. "I didn't invite them here and they didn't tell me they were coming. I don't owe them any explanations," he answered and threw the gear shift into reverse.

  They drove the fifteen scenic miles in silence and when they stopped in front of her building he didn't get out of the car but reached across her and opened her door. As she turned to step out she said, "Goodbye, Peter" and as she shut the door he murmured, "Good-bye," and then he was gone.

  Sleepless nights were getting to be a habit with Gina. She'd had a lot of them since Peter came back into her life and this one was no exception. The events of the day kept filtering through her mind over and over, giving her no peace.

  Why was he so intent on holding her to wedding vows that had no meaning? Why would he spend a fortune on a house in the hope of enticing her to live there with him? He wanted a wife, but he could have his pick of any number of women in his own social and financial set, women who met all the strict qualifications for being a Van Housen bride. He said he saw no reason to look for another wife when he already had one, but he also said he would never love her.

  No matter how many times she went over it it always came back to just one thing. Physical attraction. He wanted her, needed her, as much as she wanted and needed him, but that wasn't enough for her. She knew now that she loved him, it would be silly of her to deny it, and that love made her frighteningly vulnerable. If she gave in and went to live with him as his wife he would eventually break her heart. He'd done that to her once, she'd never survive a repeat performance.

  She thrashed around on her disheveled bed trying to find a comfortable position. Even though she'd taken a warm soapy shower she still felt Peter's hands on her, his mouth nuzzling, nipping, caressing. She pounded her pillow with disgust.

  Maybe she should go to bed with him! Get it over with. Appease the tormenting ache that caused them both so much anguish. Surely once they'd made love they would get it out of their systems. It was just the unknown, the mystery, the thrill of the chase that made it all so exciting. Once they'd ended the chase, solved the mystery, explored the unknown it would cease to beckon and lure.

  Or would it? For him, maybe, but not for her. Gina knew herself and her obsession for Peter too well. Once he made her truly his she would be bonded to him for life. It wasn't fair, it wasn't even fashionable, but it was a flaw in her character. She was a one-man woman and that man was Peter Van Housen!

  It was late the next morning when she looked up from the cash register where she was making change for a customer and saw Lillian Van Housen Wilcox, Peter's sister, standing in front of her.

  Gina had only gotten an impression of Lilly yesterday when she'd glimpsed her in that hideously embarrassing moment. But now she was standing not three feet away and Gina could see that the past seven years had been kind. Lilly had changed little. Her blonde hair, only slightly darker than Peter's, was worn short in tight little curls close to her head instead of shoulder-length as it used to be. Her slender figure was still girlish and her clear pale complexion unlined. She wore a leaf green slack suit that accentuated the green flecks in her blue Van Housen eyes. At age thirty-seven she looked ten years younger.

  Gina's eyes widened with surprise and it was Lilly who spoke. "Hello, Ginny Lea."

  The warm flush of embarrassment flooded through Gina as she remembered the intimate scene Lilly and her parents had witnessed the day before in Peter's home. She lowered her gaze and hoped her face wasn't too rosy as she said, "Hello, Lilly."

  She couldn't think of anything else to say, and Lilly seemed to be having the same problem as they stood looking at each other across the counter.

  Lilly was the first to rally. "It's important that I talk to you, Ginny Lea. It's nearly noon, will you be free for lunch soon?"

  The last thing Gina wanted to do was talk to Peter's sister, or any other member of his family, but there didn't seem to be any way to avoid it and not be childish. She glanced at her watch and said, "My assistant will be along shortly. If you'll meet me here in half an hour we can have lunch upstairs in my apartment."

  Lilly nodded. "Fine. I'll bring sandwiches from the local deli if you'd like to furnish the coffee."

  Fortunately a group of tourists who were apparently traveling together wandered in a few minutes later and were still there asking questions and making small purchases when Lilly came back. Gina hadn't had time to worry about why her sister-in-law wanted to talk to her, but she made up for that oversight when Lilly reappeared. What kind of scene was she in for now?

  They went upstairs to the apartment and Gina made coffee and arranged on a platter the ham and turkey sandwiches Lilly had provided. They made inconsequential small talk until they were ready to eat, then they took their food to the kitchen table and sat down. Lilly picked up her ham sandwich, looked at it and then laid it back on her plate as she said, "So you're the 'Aunt Gina' who made such an impression on my kids when Peter brought them up here for the Skunk Train ride."

  Gina looked at her in amazement. "You mean you didn't know?"

  Lilly shook her head. "I had no idea. I thought it was just some girl Peter had taken a fancy to. Remember, I knew you as Ginny Lea."

  "But didn't he tell you that we ran into each other at Cynthia Tobias's wedding?"

  Again Lilly picked up her sandwich. "He didn't tell me anything, but it's not altogether his fault. Dad and Mother have been on an Alaskan cruise and I don't see a lot of Pete. He didn't say a word about you when he made arrangements with Henry and me to take Johnny and Sonja to Fort Bragg. I thought it was a little odd that he'd want to take the kids on an outing for a couple of days, but he's always been good with them so I didn't question his motives."

  She took a bite of the sandwich and then muttered around it. "Apparently I should have."

  Gina ignored the somewhat bitter remark as she said, "Didn't your parents know about me either?"

  "Nope, they've only just returned from their cruise."

  Gina fingered her turkey sandwich. "Then it must have been a surprise as well as an embarrassment when you—uh—walked in on us yesterday."

  "Wrong," Lilly said with a sigh. "You had your back to us and we were all too flustered to look closely anyway. None of
us knew you had come back into Peter's life until he came home after bringing you back here and told us so."

  She shuddered. "I've never seen my brother so mad! He was breathing enough fire and smoke to ignite the whole forest, and his language…" She rolled her eyes. "Mother nearly had an attack of the vapors and Dad looked positively apoplectic." She grinned. "Peter even used words I'd never heard before. Anyway, when he finally calmed down a little he told us the whole story."

  "Did he tell you he's contesting my petition for dissolution and wants me to live with him?" Gina asked.

  "Oh yes," Lilly answered. "When he dropped that little bombshell Mom went into a decline and Dad had to take her upstairs and put her to bed." She thought a moment then added, "She managed to recover just before dinner was served."

  It sounded as though Lilly was making light of the situation, but Gina couldn't be sure. She didn't know Peter's sister that well. Seven years ago Lilly had kept her disapproving distance from Gina.

  She frowned and asked, "Is your mother all right?"

  Lilly chuckled. "Mom has the constitution of an ox, she'll outlive us all. Mainly because she keeps the rest of us in a constant state of anxiety with her fainting spells and temper tantrums. She knows exactly when to pout, sigh, cry, faint or yell in order to get her own way. It works with everyone in the family but Peter. He simply ignores her and does as he pleases, and I think she loves him most of all."

  Gina had been munching on her sandwich but now she laid it back on her plate and faced Lilly squarely. "Okay, Lil," she said, "I know your parents neither like nor approve of me, but what about you. Are you my friend or my enemy?"

  This time there was no levity in Lilly's tone. "That depends on you, Gina. You really did a job on Peter seven years ago. For a while I was afraid he was going to crack up. I can't forgive you for that, and now you're back and it's starting all over again."

  She shifted in her chair and when she spoke again it was a challenge. "Just what do you want from my brother?"

  Gina sipped her coffee and was careful not to let the cup shake in her hands. "The only thing I want from Peter is my freedom," she answered. "During all those years I thought the marriage had been annulled, I was even making plans to marry again. Now Peter's decided he wants me after all and is fighting my efforts to be free."

  Lilly spread her hands in a vague gesture. "Did you ever love him, Gina?"

  Gina's shoulders slumped. It would do no good to go over her side of the story again, the Van Housen clan believed exactly what they wanted to and refused to let facts confuse the issue.

  She set down her coffee cup and said, "I've always loved Peter. It was his love for me that wasn't strong enough and now it's dead, buried, forgotten." She grimaced. "Tell your mother to stop wasting time on fainting spells and find a suitable replacement for me and he'll be happy to let me go. All he wants is a wife and he doesn't care who it is as long as she's willing to give him children and be presentable to his business associates."

  Lilly brushed bread crumbs from her finger tips and looked at Gina with disgust. "Are you really as blind as you seem or is it all an act? Peter's hurting bad and not because he wants just any old wife. When he confronted us yesterday afternoon he looked the same way he did when he came back to San Francisco and found you gone. I worried about him then and I worry about him now. The first thing he did when he came into the house yesterday was pour himself a glass of whiskey and he's been drinking steadily ever since."

  Gina blanched. "I find that hard to believe," she said. "Peter's never been a heavy drinker."

  "Believe it," Lilly muttered. "He drank all through dinner and the evening last night, and when he got up this morning he was hung over so he started drinking again. That's why I'm here."

  Gina looked up, startled, as Lilly continued. "If he wants to get smashed in his own home, there's not much anyone can do about it, but he insists he's going to drive back to San Francisco this afternoon and that I can't allow. Someone has to stop him, and I'm afraid you're the only one who can do it."

  A germ of fear planted itself in Gina's mind and crept stealthily along her nerves as she pictured the narrow two-lane coast highway twisting and turning high above the pounding waves of the ocean where they slammed against the rocky cliffs below. "Surely," she gasped, "he's not intending to drive Highway 1!"

  "No," said Lilly quickly. "He'll go the inland route, but don't forget he has to cross the mountain range to get to Highway 101."

  The fear in Gina did not abate as her mind's eye reviewed the mountain road, broad at some stretches, but narrow and dangerous at others. The high drop-offs were picturesque but lethal to anyone in a car that went over the side.

  She felt panicky as she stood up. "I can't believe that I'll have any influence with Peter," she said, "but if he insists on leaving I'll go with him and drive."

  As they sped down the highway toward Peter's home Gina began having second thoughts about her impulsive actions. Lilly was driving Peter's Jaguar and when Gina questioned her she explained that her father had taken his grandchildren to a movie matinee in Fort Bragg so she'd borrowed the Jag from Peter on the excuse that she had to go to Mendocino for groceries. She knew that if she had his car he couldn't start out for San Francisco until she got back.

  Gina was terrified at the thought of Peter driving the car, but how on earth could she stop him? He'd been furious with her yesterday and it wasn't likely he felt any more kindly toward her today. If she asked him not to leave he'd probably do it just to spite her, especially if he was drinking. She'd never seen Peter drunk except two days after the wedding when they'd found him passed out in a waterfront bar. Even so, he had been pretty well sobered up by the time she'd talked to him; her father had insisted on that.

  Even more daunting than the thought of arguing with Peter again was the prospect of facing Hans and Bertha Van Housen. Peter's parents were forceful, intimidating personalities who would use any means to discredit her in the eyes of their youngest son. She shivered. She must be an idiot to deliberately subject herself to them!

  Lilly brought the car to a stop in front of the house and turned off the motor. As she started to open the door she turned to Gina and, as though reading her mind, said, "If Dad and Mother give you a bad time just ignore them. I'll deflect them. You try to get Peter to stop drinking and forget about driving to San Francisco."

  Mrs. Webster answered the door and smiled a welcome at Gina as the two women stepped into the entryway. Gina followed Lilly into the living room where Bertha was reclining on the cream-colored velvet sofa with one arm over her eyes.

  Peter's mother removed the sweater-covered arm from her aging blue eyes and looked at her daughter. "Lilly," she scolded, "where have you been? Peter's been grumbling for the past hour because you were gone so long with the car."

  She looked past Lilly and for the first time saw Gina standing there. Her jaw tightened and she sat up with surprising grace for one so heavy. Bertha Van Housen was of medium height but considerably overweight, although she was always carefully corseted and fashionably gowned. Today she wore a navy blue jersey dress with white polka dots and had added a navy blue hand-knit sweater to ward off the chill of the ocean breeze. Her hair, once blonde but now white, was worn in a short, lightly curled style that was becoming to her round face.

  She glared at Gina and spoke in a glacial tone. "So you're back, Virginia Lea. We'd hoped you'd have the good grace to stay out of Peter's life, but apparently that was too much to expect."

  Seven years ago Gina had longed for acceptance by the wealthy Van Housen family and would have been crushed by such a stinging rejection, but now all she felt was contempt and possibly a little pity for this arrogant, self-centered woman. She locked her gaze with Bertha's and said, "It is a little much to expect, I agree, since I happen to be Peter's wife and this is my home. Now, if you'll excuse me I must talk to my husband."

  She walked off leaving mother and daughter staring after her in shocked silence.
>
  Gina found Peter in the family room standing at the picture window looking out at the ocean. He had his back to her and mistook her for Lilly as he said, "It's about time you got back with my car. You knew I was anxious to get started for San Francisco."

  He turned and saw her framed in the doorway. The ice in his highball glass tinkled, an indication that his hand was not altogether steady. For a moment he just looked at her, and when he spoke it was not a welcome. "Well, to what do I owe the honor of your presence?" he mocked. "I thought you couldn't wait to get rid of me."

  He didn't invite her to come in and sit down but took a swallow of his drink without breaking eye contact with her.

  Gina was looking into the light from the window and couldn't see Peter's face clearly, but his tone indicated his disgust. Perhaps she deserved it. Maybe she should have stayed and done battle with the senior Van Housens yesterday. All she'd gained by running was Peter's ire and a few hours postponement of the inevitable. Well, she'd overcome the first hurdle, Bertha, so she might as well tackle Peter too.

  She walked across the heavily carpeted floor to stand in front of him. He was wearing jeans and a white cotton T-shirt and beneath the day's growth of dark golden stubble his face was gray and drawn. He raised his glass and clanked the ice cubes together, deliberately this time, as he taunted, "You should have let me know you were coming, I'd have spiffed up for you. You can't really blame me for not expecting you—it's the first time you've ever come to me."