‘That’s right,’ he agreed hoarsely, because he had a horrible feeling that he knew where this was leading.
‘In that case, can you explain when you found the time to see her?’
She swung round and his heart sank when he saw the determination in her eyes. It was obvious that she wouldn’t let him fob her off with some story yet he had no idea what he was going to tell her. It was hard to remain calm when she continued.
‘I’ve tried to work it out, Ben, but I simply cannot understand how you managed to carry on an affair while we were living together. We were both working such crazy hours and what little free time we had, we spent it together. Either you discovered some miraculous way of adding extra hours to each day or you were lying and there was no other woman. So, which was it? Was there someone else? Or did you just use that as an excuse to end our relationship?’
Holly could feel her heart racing. She knew it was a risk to ask him a question like that but she had no choice. She had to get to the bottom of this mystery before it drove her completely crazy.
‘I really can’t see any point in this, Holly,’ he began, but she didn’t let him finish.
‘The point is that I need to know the truth.’ She shrugged, praying that he couldn’t tell how important this was to her. She’d spent the time since she’d got home from work going over and over every single day they’d spent together and, no matter how hard she’d tried, she still couldn’t work out how Ben had found the time to carry on an affair. That meant he’d been lying to her and that he’d had another reason for wanting them to split up. It was what that reason might have been which was so important.
‘I know it won’t change what happened, Ben, but I think I deserve to know if you were telling me a pack of lies.’
‘Look, Holly, I never wanted to hurt you. You have to believe that!’
Her heart ached when she heard the anguish in his voice but she couldn’t afford to weaken at this stage. ‘I’m not disputing that. I just want to know the truth. Did you have an affair while we were living together?’
‘No.’ He put his head in his hands and she heard him groan. ‘You’re quite right, Holly, because there wasn’t enough time for me to have had an affair even if I’d wanted to!’
And he hadn’t wanted to?
Just for a second hope flared before she ruthlessly stamped it down. She couldn’t afford to get sidetracked. She had to stick to her objective and make him tell her what his real reasons had been for ending their relationship. At the time everything had seemed so perfect that it had come like a bolt from the blue when Ben had announced that he was leaving her. Something had to have happened to have made him do that and she needed to know what it was.
‘Then, if you didn’t leave me for another woman, why did you leave me? Did you grow tired of me? Did you find our sex life boring or what?’ Her voice rose and she had to breathe deeply before she could continue. ‘You must have had a very good reason, Ben, and I want to know what it was.’
‘It just wasn’t going to work, Holly. I realised that and decided it would be better if we split up. Why can’t you just leave it at that?’
She heard the impatience in his voice but it was tinged with sadness and it was that which made a mockery of what he was saying. If Ben regretted their parting then why had he been the one to instigate it?
‘Because it doesn’t make sense! That’s why. I could understand you wanting to leave me if there was someone else involved, but to now claim that our relationship wouldn’t have worked is absolute rubbish!’ She glared at him as he stood up and crossed the room. ‘You’d asked me to marry you, Ben, and now you’re saying that you suddenly realised we weren’t suited?’
‘Yes, that’s it exactly! I had second thoughts and decided it would be best if we split up. I told you that I’d met someone else because I thought it might make it easier for you.’
‘Easier?’ She laughed, scarcely able to believe what she was hearing. ‘I was making plans for our wedding when you suddenly announced that you’d met someone else, and you really think that it made the situation easier for me?’
‘No, of course not. I didn’t mean it that way….’ he began, but all of a sudden Holly knew that she didn’t want to hear any more.
‘It doesn’t matter. Forget it. You’ve answered my question and that’s all I wanted.’ She tried to push past him but he caught hold of her arm and brought her to a halt.
‘Look, Holly, I know I made an unholy mess of things but I swear that I never intended to hurt you.’
‘So you said.’
She stared pointedly at his hand but he still didn’t release her and a shiver danced through her as she suddenly became aware of just how warm his fingers felt. She could feel their heat searing her flesh and maybe it was that which stopped her wrenching her arm away—that, plus the memory of all the other times Ben had held her, touched her.
‘I meant it, too. I thought the world of you, Holly. Hurting you wasn’t an option but I had no choice at the time. It was the best possible thing I could do, believe me.’
His hand slowly slid down her arm until it came to rest on her wrist and Holly’s breath caught when she felt his thumb grazing her pulse. She knew he would feel how rapidly it was beating but there was nothing she could do about it. Her eyes rose to his face and she was shocked when she saw the yearning in his eyes. Why was he looking at her like that? Why was he staring at her as though he still cared when everything that had happened proved otherwise?
She ached to ask him but before she could find the right words his head suddenly dipped and all rational thoughts fled the moment his lips touched hers. He kissed her softly and with great tenderness then drew back to look at her and what he saw on her face must have convinced him to carry on. This time his mouth was more demanding, his lips seeking a response she was powerless to refuse. This was Ben who was holding her, Ben whose lips were working their magic, Ben who knew exactly how to arouse her hunger.
Holly wrapped her arms around his neck as passion flared between them and drew his head down so that she could kiss him back. They’d always been equal partners in bed and nothing had changed in that respect at least. Ben was as happy to let her lead as he was to have her follow, and she led him now, opening her mouth to tease his lips with the tip of her tongue, letting it slide inside his mouth and tangle with his in a ritual as old as time.
He gasped as he pulled away. ‘Have you any idea what you’re doing to me, Holly?’ he demanded.
‘Yes. Why d’you think I did it?’ she murmured, looking straight into his eyes.
‘Wicked woman!’ His laughter was deep and sexy as he pulled her against him so that she could feel his body pulsing against hers. ‘Don’t you have any compassion at all?’
‘Tons. That’s why I don’t intend to let you go until we…solve your dilemma.’
‘I don’t think that would be a good idea, Holly,’ he warned, his voice throbbing with need.
‘I think it’s the perfect idea,’ she countered. She held his gaze, wanting there to be no doubt about what she was saying. ‘We both need to exorcise a few ghosts, Ben. Once that’s done then we’ll be able to put the past behind us for good.’
‘Do you really think that making love would help us to do that?’ he said sceptically, so sceptically, in fact, that she almost wavered.
However, in her heart she knew that she would never be free until she’d cut all the ties that bound them. She’d not had a real relationship with a man since they had split up. Something had always held her back but if she could view sex with Ben as a purely physical act and no longer as part of a committed relationship then she would be able to move on.
‘Yes, I do, although I can’t force you to have sex with me if it isn’t what you want.’ She felt him wince at the use of the word ‘sex’ but he didn’t correct her and she was glad about that. If this was to work then they both needed to maintain a certain degree of detachment.
‘I don’t think you’ll
need to force me, Holly. Just so long as you’re sure that you know what you’re doing…?’
He left the question open and she answered it the best way she knew. His gasp was echoed by hers as their mouths joined in a kiss that was pure fire. When it was over she took his hand and led him into her bedroom, closing the door before she turned to him. She unzipped her trousers and stepped out of them then shed her T-shirt and underwear so that she was naked.
Ben’s eyes travelled the full length of her body before they came back to her face. ‘Are you sure about this, Holly? Absolutely certain it’s what you want?’
‘Yes. I’m sure.’
She held out her arms, her breath catching when he took hold of her and held her tightly against him. She could feel his heart beating beneath her breast and the pounding it made was proof of how important this was to him, too. Maybe Ben needed this as much as she did to bring their relationship to an end.
It was a bitter-sweet thought and she was glad when she didn’t have time to dwell on it. Ben’s hands were already working their magic and she gasped when she felt him cupping her breasts then cried out when he bent and suckled her nipples. Her legs suddenly buckled and she would have fallen if he hadn’t picked her up in his arms and carried her to the bed.
He gently laid her down then shed his clothes and lay down beside her. Holly let her hands roam over him, relearning all the once-familiar curves and hollows—only there were a lot more hollows than there had been before because he’d lost so much weight. She longed to ask him what had happened but she knew it would be a mistake. This was an ending, not a beginning, and there was no point asking questions.
Tears welled to her eyes at that thought but she blinked them away. She wouldn’t cry, certainly wouldn’t have regrets later. She’d made her decision and no matter what happened she wasn’t going back on it. They would have this one last night together and then, finally, it would be over between them and they could go on from there, build a new relationship as colleagues instead of lovers.
She turned into his arms and held him tightly as passion swept them away and if it took them to places they had never been before then she didn’t let herself think about that either. This wasn’t the first of many such occasions to come but the last of many that had gone before. This was just sex with Ben, a way to slake a physical need and set each other free even if her foolish mind kept trying to think of it as something more. This really and truly was the end of their affair.
CHAPTER SEVEN
‘HE’S arrested! We’ll need to defib him again.’
Ben quickly applied the defibrillator’s paddles to the man’s chest while Holly set the dials to the correct voltage. It was the second time the patient had arrested since they’d got there and he mentally crossed his fingers that they would be able to get him back again.
‘Clear!’ Ben watched the man’s body arch as the electric current passed through him, thinking what a crazy way this was to earn a living. He’d only just arrived at work that morning when the first call had come in. A farmer had suffered a heart attack on a farm high up in the hills surrounding Dalverston and the rapid response unit had been asked to attend because of the difficulties of getting an ambulance there. He and Holly had used the four-wheel-drive vehicle again to get to the farm, travelling along a series of increasingly rough tracks. The farmer—a man in his fifties called Denis Anderson—had been conscious when they’d arrived but he’d suffered a second heart attack whilst they’d been examining him. Now it was in the lap of the gods whether they would be able to drag him back from the brink once more.
‘Sinus rhythm,’ Holly announced.
‘Thank heavens!’ Ben heaved a sigh of relief because he really couldn’t face losing a patient this early in the day. ‘Let’s get him into the car before he goes down again. The sooner we get him to hospital, the happier I’ll be.’
‘You don’t think we should call for an ambulance?’ Holly queried, quickly repacking the Thomas pack.
‘It’ll be faster if we take him ourselves. It could take an hour or more for an ambulance to get here and the next time he goes down we might not be so lucky,’ Ben explained, marvelling at the fact that they were both behaving so calmly after what had happened the night before.
He sighed as Holly went to tell to Denis’s wife what they were doing. He still couldn’t believe they’d ended up in bed together. Holly had been so certain it had been what she’d wanted but he couldn’t help wondering if it had been a mistake for him. Making love to Holly had aroused a lot of feelings he’d tried to bury in the past two years. It hadn’t been easy to let her go but he’d always felt it had been the right thing to do. However, last night had simply highlighted how much he had lost. Maybe she believed it had drawn a line under the past but it could never be that simple for him.
‘Denis’s wife wants to know if she can come with us. She doesn’t drive and won’t be able to get to the hospital if we can’t take her.’
Ben switched his thoughts back to professional mode as Holly came back. ‘It will be a bit of squeeze but we should be able to fit her in. How will she get back here, though?’
‘Apparently, her son is going to meet her at the hospital and he’ll bring her home.’
‘So long as you’re happy then it’s fine by me,’ Ben agreed readily, fastening the last strap on the stretcher and standing up. ‘I’ll back the car over here to save us having to wheel Denis over all those ruts.’
‘I’ll do it,’ Holly offered, holding out her hand for the keys. ‘You drove here so I’ll drive back.’
‘Fair enough.’
Ben didn’t argue as he handed over the car keys then checked that they’d got everything. Their equipment was very costly and he would hate to leave any of it behind. Denis’s wife came running out of the farmhouse, clutching a small canvas holdall, and he smiled at her. ‘I see you’ve managed to pack a bag for your husband.’
‘Just some clean pyjamas and his shaving things.’ Tears suddenly began to trickle down the woman’s face. ‘Although I don’t know if he’ll need them. He’s going to die, isn’t he?’
‘Not if we have anything to do with it,’ Ben assured her. ‘We’ve managed to get his heart back into its proper rhythm and we’ve given him drugs to dissolve any blood clots. If we can get him back to the coronary care unit, he stands a very good chance of recovering.’
‘But will he be able to work again?’ June Anderson persisted. ‘My dad had a heart attack, you see, and he was never the same afterwards. He spent the rest of his life sitting in a chair and Denis would hate that. This farm is his whole life and I don’t know what he’ll do if he can’t carry on working.’
‘It’s far too early to say whether or not he’ll be fit to work,’ Ben explained patiently. He glanced round as Holly drew up beside them. ‘Let’s just concentrate on getting your husband to hospital, shall we? That’s the most important thing at the moment.’
June nodded but Ben could tell how upset she was. He sighed as he helped to manoeuvre the stretcher into the vehicle. As he knew to his own cost, the effects of any serious illness had far-reaching consequences for everyone concerned.
‘Ambulance Control has just been on the radio to ask if they should send an ambulance to meet us on the bypass,’ Holly told him as they all climbed into the front. ‘I told them we’d take the patient directly to hospital ourselves.’
‘That’s fine,’ Ben agreed. ‘There’s no point tying up an ambulance as well. Right, everything’s sorted so let’s get a move on.’
‘Wagons roll!’ she replied cheerily.
Ben fastened his seat belt as she started the engine. It was a bit of a squeeze with June squashed in the middle but they could hardly have left the poor woman behind. He glanced at Holly as they set off and frowned when she gave him a carefree smile in return. She seemed completely at ease so could he take it that last night’s experiment had had the desired results? Did she now feel that she could put the past behind her and get on wi
th living life to the full?
He turned and stared through the window because that thought aroused a wealth of conflicting emotions. He was glad that Holly was happy, of course, but a part of him—a part he didn’t like very much—hated the thought of her making plans that didn’t include him. If he’d learned anything from last night, it was the fact that he wasn’t over her.
Not by a long chalk.
‘You’ll be able to see Denis as soon as they’ve got him settled into the coronary care unit. He’s in good hands, June, so try not to worry.’
Holly managed to hold her smile while the woman thanked her again for all that she’d done, but it was a relief when she was able to make her escape. She went straight to the staffroom and plugged in the kettle, hoping she would have time for a cup of coffee before she was needed again. She hadn’t bothered with any breakfast that morning so it was little wonder that she was feeling so jittery.
She grimaced as she spooned instant coffee into a mug. There was no point pretending her jumpiness was the result of low blood sugar. The strain of trying to behave as though everything was fine was the real cause of her problems. What on earth had possessed her to sleep with Ben last night? At the time it had seemed to make a lot of sense but she’d quickly realised afterwards what a mistake it had been. Far from bringing the past to its rightful conclusion, it had reawakened a lot of painful memories. It was hard to deal with the thought that she was going to have to learn to live without Ben all over again.
‘Aha, you’ve beaten me to it, I see.’
Holly spun round when she heard Ben’s voice. She had managed to behave with an outward semblance of calm while they’d been attending to Denis Anderson. The man had been so ill that she’d been able to focus on the task of keeping him alive. However, the prospect of chatting with Ben over a cup of coffee after what had happened last night made her stomach start to churn.
‘Do you want a cup of coffee?’ she asked, hoping he couldn’t tell how nervous she felt.
Rapid Response Page 8