Almost Heaven

by Jillian Hart

  “It’s a small town. Everybody knew but me.” Michelle shrugged. “Just like I can guess things weren’t as good as they seemed with you and Jerrod.”

  “How did you know?”

  “When you smiled, it never reached your eyes. And there was something cold about Jerrod. I always worried that he wasn’t good to you.”

  “Sometimes it feels as if no man can be.” A chill quaked through her. She’d said too much; she could not remember that horrible time, but she had to ask. “How do you know your husband will always be there for you? That you can trust him forever? That he’d never, oh, hurt you.”

  “Because of the man Brody is inside, down deep. He’s a real man, and that means he’s noble and honorable and faithful. That his love, when it’s true, is forever. Why are you asking? Ooh, you’ve got it bad for the sheriff, but you’re afraid to love again.”

  “No, I was just wondering. You know how I feel about marriage.”

  “I know you never dated anyone after you left Jerrod. That says it all, right? Cameron is such a great guy. I won’t tease you anymore about it, I promise. I just want you to be happy.”

  Miserable, Kendra didn’t answer. Michelle’s words were no encouragement. Ever idealistic, ever romantic, that was Michelle. Kendra had made that mistake once, and she’d vowed to never do it again. Never trust a man who could hurt her, who could reduce her to nothing at all.

  Yet Michelle had managed it. Their farm was prospering, their home beautifully refurbished, and Michelle looked truly happy.

  You think one man hurt you, then any man can. That’s what Cameron had said, when she’d just walked away from him. She’d told him to go home, after he’d been so wonderful. He’d left the flowers behind. If he were a horrible man, even one as smooth as Jerrod and quietly angry, it would be easy. Sending him away would be the absolute right thing.

  But he was a good man, and that made it worse. She didn’t want a good man. She didn’t want any man.

  That wasn’t the truth, and she couldn’t lie to herself any longer. She might wish for that once-in-a-lifetime love with Cameron, but it was simply not meant to be. She wouldn’t allow it.

  “Happy birthday!” Karen greeted from the fence, where she was holding little Allie’s knee, as she was perched on the back of an indulgent Honeybear.

  Kirby, sitting alongside her husband, Sam, clapped while little Michael tossed a ball and toddled after it.

  As Kendra held the gate for Michelle, she spied her parents on the deck, cooing over baby Anna cradled in Mom’s loving arms. One brother-in-law, Zach, lit the barbecue and the other, Brody, tenderly wrapped Michelle in his strong arms. They kissed so sweetly and affectionately that Kendra had to look away.

  Not because she was embarrassed, but because she’d never noticed it before—the good men’s love that made her sisters happier and their lives better.

  Love. It surrounded her, one of God’s most precious gifts, and somehow she felt isolated. As if something was missing inside her. Why did she feel alone with her family surrounding her? With their love everywhere?

  “Kendra!” Gramma grasped balloon ribbons in one hand as she negotiated through the screen door, her gentleman friend tailing behind.

  Just what she needed. Her grandmother’s comforting affection, always there, always healing. Kendra wrapped her gramma in a warm hug, so grateful for her. For her family here, today.

  She was just being foolish. See? She wasn’t alone. She had plenty of love in her life.

  “Happy birthday, my dear granddaughter.” Gramma smiled at her boyfriend, who joined them on the porch holding several gaily wrapped presents. “Willard, oh, I see the gift pile right there on the picnic table. Thank you, sweetheart.”

  “Anytime, dear. Hello Kendra.” The regal professor gave her a dignified nod and a warm, grandfatherly smile on his way to deposit the gifts. “Happy birthday.”

  “Thank you.” Kendra liked the way Willard made her grandmother brighten. He clearly made her happy.

  “It’s too bad Kristin couldn’t have made it,” Gramma continued. “Seattle isn’t that far away. I guess that express package must be from her?”

  “Yes. She’s the only smart sister I have. The others have been rendered blind by love and have married. It’s terrible.”

  “Yes, isn’t it.” Gramma laid her left hand on Kendra’s arm where the square-cut diamond sparkled on her ring finger. “Shh, I’m not announcing this yet, I’m going to wait to see how long it takes for someone to notice. Looks like the love bug’s bitten me but good!”

  “Gramma! Congratulations. I can’t believe this.” Kendra glanced at Willard, who was now supervising, along with Karen, Allie being lead around on Honeybear’s back. “Did this happen last night?”

  “I’ll tell you all later. Right now I want to hear about you. A little birdie told me you’ve been spending time with our respected sheriff.”

  “Time, yes. But we’re friends. Maybe not even that.”

  “My dear Kendra, you look so sad.”

  “It’s nothing. Just—” Kendra couldn’t say it. It was better to change the subject. “Willard seems like a kind man. I hope he makes you happy.”

  “He will. I know that for certain. Now, come with me and let’s have a look at baby Anna.” Gramma’s hand on her own was firm and reassuring. “Now, I’m not prying. You know I would never do such a thing.”

  “Of course not.” Kendra rolled her eyes, trying not to laugh.

  “I just want to point out that now that you’ve found a love of your own, I wouldn’t mind attending another wedding. Welcoming more great-grandchildren into the world.”

  Pain seared her like a burn that licked straight to the bone. “What are you talking about? You know I’m an independent kind of girl.”

  “Fine. Stay in denial, but you can’t fool your gramma. Oh, look at how big our baby is getting. Alice, you’ve held Anna long enough. It’s my turn to spoil her.”

  I’m not in denial. Kendra couldn’t believe her grandmother’s nerve. There’s no possible way. I’m not putting my heart on the line. She’d been down that road and look how it had turned out.

  But her sisters had taken the risk…and won.

  Zach, done with the grill, had joined Karen by the back gate. They stood together, arm in arm, their love as tangible as the warm sunlight.

  Sam had scooped Michael up to swing him in the air like a plane while Kirby watched, laughing with happiness as Sam pulled her against him and they all hugged. Their love as solid as the earth beneath their feet.

  Michelle was snuggling in Brody’s arms, as they talked softly together. Brody’s wide hand spanned his wife’s protruding stomach, and they smiled together. Were they wondering if she would have a girl or a boy? Their love for each other was plain to see in their honest affection.

  That’s what I want. The longing spilled up from her soul before she could stop it. Before she could block it off behind her defensive shields. Too late, the yearning remained a void inside her. An old aching dream that had been shattered, never to be made whole again.

  I won’t think of Cameron. She fisted her hands, steeled her courage, and still the wish remained. Love surrounded her.

  Please, Lord, she prayed, hoping her sorrows would be heard, knowing the need in the world was so much greater than her heartache. But still, she hoped God was listening. Please make this pain go away. I don’t want to hurt anymore.

  The wind changed direction, whispering through the dry blades of grass and the maple trees.

  Maybe that was her answer, she thought, determined to ignore the sadness within her that seemed without end.

  Cameron had had better days. After a night without much sleep to speak of, he’d put in two long days while folks enjoyed the local harvest festival. Nothing had gone wrong; that wasn’t what had him in a bad mood.

  It was that nothing felt right. Sunday morning service hadn’t brought him peace, as it usually did when he was in need. Peace eluded him. As
the calm that came with the onset of evening settled over the town, the businesses closed, the vendor booths packed up and were hauled away; there wasn’t a car on the street.

  He couldn’t put it off any longer. He turned off the lights, locked the door and ambled around back to where his vehicle was parked. Looking as lonesome as he felt in the shade of old maples planted decades before.

  Thunderheads chased dry lightning across the sky. Yeah, that’s sorta how he felt. Wasn’t much in the mood to go home and try to fix something. Even a tuna-fish sandwich, his old standby. Maybe he’d swing by the drive-in.

  Everywhere he’d gone today, Kendra had been on his mind. Roaming through the festival, keeping an eye out for trouble, he remembered how he’d spent the day with her. How she’d argued over buying him lunch, but he beat her to it. How right it had felt to have her by his side.

  He pulled up to the drive-through menu. “Two bacon double cheeseburgers, onion rings and a huckleberry shake.”

  His regular order. Kendra had ordered the same meal the day they’d met in the drive-through lane. He’d taken that as a sign. How wrong was that?

  “Hi, Cameron.” Misty was at the window, ready to hand him back his change from the five he always gave her. “I haven’t seen you in a while. I hear you’re dating Kendra. She’s been keeping you busy in the evenings, huh?”

  He winced. This had been happening all day long, and it still hurt intensely. “I’m in the mood for your onion rings. The best anywhere in the whole state.”

  “I’m glad you think so. That’ll be right up.” With a courteous smile, Misty shut the window and disappeared into the kitchen.

  Headlights flashed behind him in line. Kendra? No, it was Frank. A dedicated bachelor and a man who didn’t cook, he was a frequent patron of the food establishments in town. Cameron returned the wave before accepting the bag of food and the milkshake from Misty, and pulling ahead.

  Frank would have joined him inside the restaurant, but Cameron wasn’t up for it. Frank would have predicted the outcome. After all, a woman who valued her independence so much obviously didn’t need a man to love her.

  What was he doing? He was heading north automatically, without thinking, when his house was in the opposite direction. Habit, to drive out to her place. When did he start thinking of her ranch as home? The answer was simple. Kendra was in his soul. He’d never fall out of love with her. So what did he do?

  He was clueless. He munched on his burger, still heading north. The random lightning turned serious about the same time his phone rang. Seeing Kendra tonight—and trying to hammer out a solution between them—would have to wait.

  If there was a solution to be had. How could Kendra see him and not the past? Could she ever love him with the wounds in her heart?

  He didn’t know. Helpless, all he could do was leave it in the Lord’s hands as he pulled the truck around and headed straight into the storm.

  “All settled in for the night?” Kendra asked her beloved mare over the top of the stall gate. Mom and daughter were snuggled together in the clean straw. Willow whickered low in her throat, a gentle, contented sound, while little Rosa slept. “I’ll see you in the morning, pretty girl.”

  The snug feel of the stable was soothing. Kendra took her time ambling down the aisles, where horses drowsed, some waking enough to greet her as she passed by.

  Cameron hadn’t made it by tonight. Guilt stung like an angry yellow jacket. I was too harsh. I hurt him. I shouldn’t have done that.

  It was too late now. As much as she wanted to explain, it wouldn’t change the outcome.

  Warrior poked his nose over the gate, sad eyes beseeching.

  “You’re looking lonely.” Kendra stroked his warm velvet nose. “I know, your master is a good man. It’s my fault. I scared him off.”

  There was no choice. She had to talk to him. The last thing she wanted was for Cameron to feel uncomfortable when he was here. With all he’d been through, he deserved the life he was rebuilding. She didn’t want him to miss out on time spent with his new best pal.

  “You are a good guy, Warrior.” She scratched his ears. “Like that, do you?”

  The big gelding nodded, leaning closer to give her better access. This was the first evening the sheriff hadn’t come to visit his horse.

  Longing filled her, sweet and aching. Why was she missing Cameron? He was a friend, that was why. And he’d come to mean more to her than—

  No. She wasn’t going to follow that train of thought. Heart thumping wildly, adrenaline kicking through her blood, there was no peace to be found.

  Not even here in the stable. The past remained like a terrible whisper that would not be silenced. A whisper that followed her into the house, where her sisters were waiting with the Monopoly board set up and big bowls of buttery popcorn and glasses of soda.

  A whisper that could not be silenced all through the evening and into the night where she lay, awake in her bed. A fear that followed her into her dreams and turned into nightmares of a man towering over her, his voice a thunderclap of anger, striking her with the fury of lightning while she cried, helpless at his feet.

  Dawn came, and with it a cloud of smoke from the nearby forest fire. The dank smoke hid the surrounding mountains and cast a gray pallor over the sky. Like the gloom inside her, it remained, a gray haze that polluted the day.

  “I’ve got next week’s schedule figured out.”

  Kendra startled, realizing she’d been staring off into space again. She grabbed the hose, tested the warmth of the water and sprayed down Amigo. The horse thanked her with a sigh of pleasure as soap bubbles slid off his brown-and-white coat. “Amigo’s owner is coming for your advanced class this afternoon. If that’s a problem, then I can squeeze in a private lesson for her.”

  “No, I can do it. Hi, boy.” Staying out of the spray, Colleen gave the pinto’s nose a scrub. “What about Cameron? He didn’t ride his horse over the weekend, did he? Will he be here today?”

  “I don’t have a clue.”

  “Really? Tell me he didn’t leave those flowers for you. And that vase! I saw them in your office. They’re beautiful.”

  “Cameron is way too generous.”

  “He’s just about right for a courting man.” Colleen waggled her eyebrows. “I’d go for it if I were you. He’s a catch.”

  “He’s not my type.” Firmly, refusing to let the pain swallow her whole, Kendra moved to Amigo’s hind-quarters, where she hosed down his flanks. “I was wondering if you want to go over the bookkeeping with me later. You said you’d like to learn as much as you can about the business of running a stable.”

  “That would be awesome. Wait—are you thinking of cutting back your workload? You know, like your sister Karen did at her coffee shop after she got married?”

  “And just who would I marry?”

  “None other than our handsome town sheriff.”

  “Stop trying to play matchmaker. I think you should invite him for a trail ride sometime.”

  “Me? No way. Don’t try avoiding this one, Kendra. Cameron is a great guy, and anyone can see he’s in love with you.”

  “He’s in like.” It can’t be love. She wouldn’t let it be.

  “Whatever. Here’s some free advice. A good man doesn’t come along like that every day. If I were you, I’d hold on to this one.”

  “I like my life the way it is.”

  Colleen looked so sad. “I don’t. I don’t like going home every evening to an empty apartment. I look at the families who come here and the kids I teach, and I want that. But I’m not going to just settle for the first man who comes along and winks at me. Cameron is the kind of man you keep. There aren’t too many out there like him. I don’t want you to have regrets.”

  I have them every day. Every evening. If there was one thing she could change about her life, it would be to go back in time and never date Jerrod at all. Never fall for the golden boy, town football hero, who’d been so perfect for her, or so everyone said. No
body had seen the mean streak in Jerrod, and she certainly hadn’t until it was too late.

  Sure, he’d been good to her. Kind, at first. But over time there were changes. He was strong and brave and upstanding. He was the first person to ever hit her. He would be the last.

  Finally alone, she squeezed her eyes shut willing away the memories of Cameron taking Jerrod down to the floor, rolling him over. In control, stronger than the abusive man and just as frightening in his calm, cool anger, he’d snapped the cuffs on Jerrod’s wrists.

  She’d seen what Cameron was capable of. Of taking down a man as tall as he was, as in shape, as powerful. How did she know he would never use his strength against her? Not only Cameron, but any man?

  Why did she still ache to see him? To hear the low rumble of his voice, see the quirk in the left corner of his mouth when he grinned? Why did she feel as if he was a part of her spirit? She watched the parking lot for the first sign of his vehicle. Listened for the sound of his step on the path.

  She missed his friendly presence. Friendly, that was all. Was it even possible they could still be friends?

  No. She felt the answer soul-deep. It was impossible to go back to the serene companionship between them.

  It’s more than friendship, a quiet feeling within her whispered.

  It can’t be. She wouldn’t let it be.

  She felt his approach like the change in the wind, like the clouds skidding across the sun, dampening the brightness. In sudden shadow, she whirled Sprite toward the gate, knowing before she saw that it was him.

  He was walking toward the stable, his back to her.

  He hadn’t stopped to wave. He didn’t turn and his shoulders tensed, as if he felt her, too.

  Sadness seeped into her soul, but it wasn’t only her sadness. It wasn’t only her soul.

  Chapter Twelve

  This was gonna be tough. Cameron had done a lot of soul-searching. He reached the same conclusion each time. He loved Kendra. He was in this for the long haul. He’d stood by Deb in her time of darkness.