Forsaking Gray (The Colloway Brothers Book 1)
Page 8
The moisture in my eyes involuntarily spills over, streaking my makeup. Standing in the presence of the best thing to ever happen to me, and the man who apparently still loves me, I’ve never felt as alone in my entire life as I do at this moment. And the last five years have been some of the hardest and loneliest I think any human being could ever endure.
When I’m silent for too long, he barks, “Say something, Livvy. Say anything, for Christ’s sake.”
I shake my head. I won’t. I simply refuse to destroy the love of my life any more than I already have. I can’t lie. I can’t tell the truth. I don’t know what to do. I feel like an animal trapped in a corner with no way to escape. “I can’t.”
He pushes off the wall he’s been leaning against and in five long strides is standing in front of me. Grabbing my shoulders, he shakes me. Fury rolls off him in potent waves, but I know he won’t hurt me. “Can’t or won’t?” he demands through gritted teeth.
I hold his angry eyes with watery ones, pleading for him to understand. Silently begging him to simply accept my apology and move on with his life. Without me. “Both,” I answer, my voice involuntarily cracking under the burdensome weight of my own emotional anguish.
His hard eyes soften. He knows. He knows I’m hiding something big, life altering. The knowledge swirls as he gauges my reaction. And his next quietly spoken question undoes me completely. “What happened to you, angel?”
I can’t help what follows next. The tenuous emotional thread I’ve been balancing on for years finally breaks, and the one person I need to catch me when I fall does. I bury my face in his expensive, undoubtedly custom-made suit, and uncontrollably sob, clinging tightly to him like a child. Clinging like he’s a dream that will be ripped away from me any second.
Like it has so many times before.
I don’t deserve comfort from the man I destroyed, but he gives it. I don’t deserve his soft-spoken words of warmth, but he whispers them. I don’t deserve to be held in his arms again after the suffering I have put him through, but that doesn’t stop him from sitting and pulling me onto his lap, cocooning me in his strength.
After unknown minutes tick by and the worst of my meltdown passes, his finger slides under my chin, tipping it up so our eyes meet. His are full of torment, but I also see love and, God help me, forgiveness swirling in the mix. Mine are full of regret and brokenness and sorrow. I try to hide the multitude of other emotions bubbling to the surface. I guess I fail miserably.
“You still love me.”
My breath hitches. No truer words have ever been spoken. I do. I want to scream it until my throat is hoarse. I want to tell him I’ve never stopped. I want to make him understand I would never have voluntarily left him. To protect us both, I have to deny him, but my mouth refuses to form the words.
“I—”
I try to look away, but he grabs my chin firmly between his fingers and forces my eyes back to his.
“Convince me you don’t love me, Livvy and I’ll walk. You can run and this time, I won’t try to find you. But if I don’t believe the bullshit you’re about to try to shove down my throat, fair warning, angel. I will be relentless in my pursuit of you. Last time was nothing compared to the lengths I will go to in order to make you mine again.”
I can’t think straight. There were so many things said in those few sentences that have my head reeling. But the unspoken words I heard are the most profound.
I can’t wrap my head around how I could have hurt him so deeply, but still earn his forgiveness. Is he playing a sadistic game with my damaged heart and my fragile trust? Is he trying to lure me into thinking he can possibly absolve me for an unforgivable wrong and then crush me under his boot, like I did him? Would I blame him if he tried?
Sadly, no.
I was unable to keep the question rolling around on my tongue from spilling out. “How can you still want me after what I did to you?”
He grabs my face between his strong hands. His eyes shine with pure, unadulterated love and my stomach goes into a free-fall. “I’ve never stopped. And I’m a fool’s fool, because, God help me, I never will.” His hungry, lust-filled eyes flit between mine and my lips, which I unconsciously wet. My breathing is out of control. “Tell me you don’t love me, Livvy,” he rasps. His control is razor thin. One wrong word and it will slice him in half, mutilating him beyond repair.
I shake my head. I should be pushing him away, not drawing him in. I should tell him to run as far and as fast as he can, but I can’t force myself to do it. My love for him is too powerful. My willpower too weak. “I can’t,” I sob. Fresh tears balance precariously on my eyelashes.
His lips crash to mine and I let them. He takes and I silently beg him with my body to take more. I know I’m making the biggest mistake of my life because I can’t keep Gray. No matter whether he can forgive me or not, I can’t forgive myself. He will never be mine again. So I’ll take this one stolen moment I’ve been granted and I will revel in it. I will lose myself in it. And I will store it away as my last blissful memory of him, erasing the painful ones from the past few years.
If he wants my body, I’ll freely give it. He already has my heart. He always has and he always will. But what I can’t give him is the last piece of my soul, and I’m barely holding onto it. It pleads with me to be released into his soul-sucking kiss. He’s trying to take it, but I need to keep that buried deep within me in order to survive the agonizingly lonely, bleak days ahead of me without him.
Because this is the last time I’ll step foot in HMT Enterprises. And this is the last time I can let myself see or feel or touch Gray Colloway.
Chapter 14
Livvy’s lips taste exactly as I remember. Warm, sweet and uniquely her. She’s intoxicating. She’s breathing life back into my broken heart, and I want nothing more at this moment than to be buried balls deep in her sweet, slick pussy so I can finally feel whole again. She couldn’t lie to me. She couldn’t tell me that she didn’t love me because I know the truth. I knew it the moment we looked into each other’s eyes three weeks ago.
She still does. Then why did she leave you?
I was lying when I told her I’d let her run. Now that I know she loves me, I’ll never let her leave me again.
No matter what.
Pain and darkness churn in her soul like witch’s brew, dulling her once bright eyes. I want to take it away. I want to tell her that absolutely nothing can make me stop loving her. Something happened, something she’s afraid to tell me, and I’m filled with regret that I gave up. I’m filled with self-loathing that I simply gave into the lies that were being fed to me. I failed her.
But right now I push all that to the back of my mind because, at this very moment, it’s irrelevant. Livvy’s here and she still loves me, which means she will be mine again.
And I aim to have a taste of what’s mine right fucking now.
I force myself to free her swollen lips from mine and lift her off my lap, setting her on the hard maple table. Smoky gazes locked on each other, I pull the blouse from her skirt and slowly draw it up over her head, waiting for her to protest. She doesn’t. I unhook her black lacy bra that cups her ample breasts like a fitted glove, letting it fall to the floor, expecting her to stop me. She won’t.
Neither of us speaks with our mouths, but we don’t have to. Everything that needs to be said flows between us, unspoken. We both want this with a desperation that’s almost burning out of control, belying the slow, reverent way I’m stripping her.
Physically.
Emotionally.
I break our connection and rake my gaze down every inch of her exposed skin. Her torso is bare and her skirt has ridden up almost to the top of her toned, snow-driven thighs. The darkness at the juncture of them calls my name. Chills rise on her flesh. Her berry-ripened nipples are as hard as erasers and my mouth waters for a taste, which I don’t deny myself.
She moans at the first flick of my tongue, her hands flying to my hair, pulling me closer. F
“Gray,” she breathes. She remembers how hot we used to burn, just like I do.
Fuck, I’m as hard as a rock. I shouldn’t do this in my boardroom, but I’m unable to stop. The second my flesh touched hers I was a total goner.
I kiss and lave my way over to her other nipple because it’s begging for my attention too. Jesus Christ, she tastes good. No matter how many women I’ve been with, no one has, or ever will, compare to her. I’m like a starved man, unable to get enough. Unable to stop gorging. I have to be inside of her right now.
I reach behind to undo the zipper on her skirt when she stops me.
“Leave it,” she rasps.
I pull back to see what she’s really saying, knowing desperation is written all over my face. My cock pulses and my balls ache. “I need to fuck you, Livvy. Christ, I need to be inside of you right now.” I need to make you mine again.
Without a word, Livvy hops off the table, reaches under her skirt and removes matching black lace panties. Holding my eyes, she turns toward the table, leans over and shimmies up the offending fabric.
Fuck. Me. Her round, smooth ass is begging for my hand. Her glistening, bare dark pink lips are parted and my mouth hurts at the thought of tasting her.
“Sweet Jesus, angel,” I murmur, drawing a finger through her wetness, back to her puckered hole. I circle and tease, drawing a low moan from her now parted mouth.
“Fuck me, Gray. Please. I need you so much.” She sounds as frantic as I feel.
I want that too, but I’m not going to miss this opportunity to taste what’s mine either. I sit back in the chair. Rolling it close, I place her legs on either side of mine so they are now resting on the leather instead of the floor. I spread her silky thighs as far apart as they’ll go and lean in for my first lick.
And see fucking stars.
“Gray…” she groans, heavy head falling to the table.
“I’m going to eat this pussy, Livvy. My pussy. I’ve been denied it far too long.”
I grab her cheeks and spread them, using my thumbs to pull her nether lips apart and start to feast. I lick and suck until she’s moving frantically against my mouth, trying to reach the peak and fall over. I thrust my tongue into her soaking channel and feel her walls tighten around me. Jesus, how I’ve missed this.
“Gray, please, please,” she begs.
Dragging my wet thumb up to the place I know she craves it, I ease in, pulling a wail from her throat, causing her to writhe faster. I move another digit to her clit and start to circle deliberately, applying just the right amount of pressure.
She immediately detonates, crying my and God’s name over and over. It’s music to my deaf ears. I will never get enough of the way my Livvy sounds when she comes undone by my hand, or my mouth, or my cock. I let her ride my face and my fingers until she slows and her body sags.
Standing, I reach for her hips, gently turning over her boneless form. The only position that I’ve ever taken another woman in the last few years is from behind, so I don’t have to look at their faces. It made it easier to pretend they’re Livvy. So, the first time I take her after being apart for so long, I intend to look into her eyes as she bares her soul to me.
I want it.
I need it.
I crave it.
And I will have it as I sink my cock deep inside her.
“You’re so beautiful, Livvy,” my thick voice rasps. With her dark hair fanning out on the table, her fair skin radiating like starlight and the blissfully sated look on her face, she looks like an ethereal goddess spread out on an altar. My altar. Mine to take. I almost want to weep at the sight of her, and I have to keep telling myself repeatedly this is not a dream. This is real. She’s right before me, in the flesh. Her innate beauty makes me breathless.
Her lust-laden eyes hold mine as I quickly undress, my clothes joining hers in the pile on the floor beside me. With one push down of my navy boxer briefs, my straining, heavy cock springs free and it’s throbbing to finally be home. My hands slowly travel up her trembling legs as I ask the questions I’m burning to know before I fuck my fiancée for the first time in over five years. And I still think of her that way. She’s mine.
I know I should use a condom, but I can’t. It’s not like I carry them around in my pants pockets at work anyway, and I’m not waiting a minute longer to be inside her. And I don’t give a shit if she ends up pregnant. I want her to. I want to tie her to me for fucking ever so the thought of leaving me again causes her physical pain, like it did when she left me.
“Tell me you’re clean, Livvy.” I haven’t been raw with another women since her.
She nods and whispers yes.
“Tell me there’s no one else,” I choke, now running my dick up her wet slit, readying it for the hot plunge. I don’t know what I’ll do if she says yes.
“There’s no one else,” she whispers, no hesitation. I see the truth in her eyes.
I release a breath I didn’t realize I was holding. I cover her and link her hands with mine, so we’re skin to skin, except for the fabric that’s still bunched around her waist and thrust into her tight pussy. Five years simply melt away like shadows in the light.
Our eyes lock. “Tell me you’re mine, angel.”
“Ahhhh, Gray,” she breathes, her eyes closing in pleasure.
I pull out slowly and drive again. It takes three times to seat myself to the hilt of her tight channel. Her smooth walls grip me like a boa constrictor and I know that no other man has been inside her sweetness in some time. And that pleases the fuck out of me, more than it should.
“Tell me.”
“Gray.” She turns her head away. Releasing one hand, I cup her face, turning it back, never losing my slow, methodical rhythm.
“Look into my soul and know that it belongs to only you.”
She closes her eyes. If the clenching of her inner muscles is any indication, she’s close to a second orgasm, so I stop. I deny her. Her eyes fly open.
“You own me, Livvy. You own all of me, so. Tell. Me. You. Are. Mine.”
Her eyes mist, she swallows hard. I move my hips, slowly withdrawing nearly all the way and thrust so hard she expels a harsh breath. “Say it.” I repeat my deliberate movements and start to feel the telltale tingling in the base of my spine. She’s so tight, so hot, so Livvy. I know I won’t last long. I rain kisses on her jaw, her eyelids, her parted mouth. I need her to admit she’s mine before I let us fall.
“Say it, baby. Tell me you’re mine,” I beg quietly in her ear. Her body tightens. It already knows it’s mine. Now I need the words.
Her soft reply makes my heart swell. “I’ve always been yours, Gray. Always.”
Thank Jesus.
Her legs quiver and her snug pussy has become even more so. Her climax is almost upon her. I’m unable to hold back any longer and with her admission, I have one sole goal. To fuck her hard, sending her over the edge one more time before I follow.
Peeling myself from her sweat-soaked skin, I grab her legs, tilt her pelvis higher and pound into her with a fierce, rough pace. Our gazes lock until the rush of rapture forces her head back, her body convulsing. I swiftly follow with the most intense, most euphoric orgasm I’ve had since the night I asked Livvy to marry me.
My legs are liquid, but I manage to scoop her up and sit in the cushioned leather chair behind me, still tucked inside her wet heat. She clings to me, her head on my shoulder.
We’re quiet, only our harsh breaths filling the room. I honestly couldn’t be more content than I am right now. I love this woman to the deep recesses of my soul and as our breathing stabilizes and our bodies cool, I realize that while it’s eating me up inside to not know what caused her to leave me so long ago, I’m willing to simply take what I can get.
Her.
She’s it for me. She bewitched me the second our eyes met and while I thought I’d done a decent job at moving on, I realize that I’ve been a shadow of myself without her in my life. I feel like I can see in color for the first time in years.
It’s funny how the mind can so easily fool itself. With the loss of someone you love, you trick yourself into thinking you’re managing, coping, living. But you’re not. You’re simply existing.
If the sun is suddenly stripped away, eventually you’d get used to darkness. You have to. It’s your new normal and you can’t escape. It becomes part of your daily life. And after so long in the blackness you fool yourself into thinking you’ve adjusted. You think you can live. Thrive, even. But then the sunshine returns and it’s bright and warm and comforting.
It’s joy.
It’s life.
It’s your salvation. And you realize how very wrong you were. You weren’t living at all. You were in a cold, lonely hell without those life-giving rays and you can finally see things clearly for the first time since you were plunged into that dark, bleak space.
Sitting here, quietly stroking Livvy’s hair in comfortable silence, I’m hit with the realization that I’ve really been living in darkness this whole time and my sunshine has finally returned. My purpose in life finally restored. My blackness vanished. And I’ll be damned if I’ll let anyone, or anything, throw me into that dark void ever again.
Chapter 15
I didn’t once think of the many times sex was forced on me during those long, interminable days with Peter. I didn’t think of the beatings that would always follow, or the broken bones that would need time to mend before he started all over again. Instead, making love with Gray was always as I thought it would be. Healing. It helped that he held my gaze so I could stay in the moment. I let Gray have me, and I did nothing but enjoy every single second of it. The peacefulness that settled over me was deep and surreal.
But I’ve also never been more confused.
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