Humbugged

by Pippa Grant

  Noelle: I know. But Maud and Gerald have been really supportive, even though I feel like I’m intruding on their territory in bakery-land. Maud says they do a healthy business with their penis and vagina cookies, both locally and internet sales, and Gerald says he hates baking cupcakes, so I can have them.

  Cassie: Yes! They’re so glad to have you here. Maud told me it’s nice to have someone else supplying the town with baked goods since they’re not far from retirement. And we love our sugar here. No doubt. Almost as much as we love our barbeque. And tacos. Oh my God, a barbeque taco! Why hasn’t this been invented yet? And why isn’t it in my mouth right now? *drooling emoji*

  Noelle: LOL. Doesn’t sound good to me at seven in the morning, but I think you should make that dream come true for yourself today. Swing by the store for some tortillas, then Big Buddy’s for smoked brisket, and whip up a little sweet and sour shredded slaw to go on top? With some pickled jalapeno, maybe?

  Cassie: Stop it. I’m literally drooling. And I’m totally making that happen. As your officially designated coworker today, I am making BBQ tacos happen for both of us for lunch. To keep our spirits up. And you can’t argue, because women as pregnant as I am get our way. Every time.

  Noelle: That would be amazing, thank you.

  And…speaking of spirits. I think I saw my bakery ghost last night. Right after I realized there’d been a break-in. I was already freaked out, so it could have just been my mind playing tricks on me, but it seemed so real. I didn’t tell the police about it, obviously, since I didn’t want them to think I was a crazy person, but I’ve been thinking about it all night, going back and forth on whether or not it was real. I just wonder what it might want? If it’s real… And why it can’t rest, you know?

  Cassie: That settles it. I’m bringing Olivia too. She’s the closest thing Happy Cat has to a ghost whisperer, and she should be able to sneak away from work during her lunch break.

  Noelle: Should we ask Hope to come, too? Make it a girls’ lunch slash ghost investigation?

  Cassie: She has a harder time getting away from the animals in the middle of the day, but I’ll ask! See you at noon?

  Noelle: See you then. Oh, but wait! I wanted to ask you one last thing.

  Cassie: Shoot. I’ve got nothing but time. Big Buddy’s doesn’t open until ten a.m. I looked it up while we were chatting. Plus, I have to pee six times before I can meet you at the bakery this morning, and I can text and pee.

  Noelle: LOL. Awesome. Yeah, so I was hoping to pick your brain about Clint. I want to do something nice for him, as a thank you for helping me out last night and for being such a good friend. Any ideas what he’d like? Maybe a gift certificate from somewhere in town where he likes to go eat? Or a favorite dessert I could make for him—without bean flour in it, obviously.

  Cassie: He’d probably find being pranked with bean flour hysterical—he’s weird that way—but he’s kind of picky about food. He makes most of his meals at home so he can eat clean and Marine, all veggies and protein and strange grains I’ve never heard of before. He loves the sub shop by the railroad tracks, too, but he only goes there when he’s feeling low. It’s his comfort food, I guess.

  Noelle: It’s hard to imagine Clint feeling low. Not long enough to eat a whole sub, anyway. Unless it’s a “Clint O’Dell doesn’t eat subs, subs offer themselves as a sacrifice that he swallows whole” type of thing.

  Cassie: Well, don’t tell anyone I told you… But he may have been digging into a three-foot sub last night before he headed over to your place.

  Noelle: Oh… Now that you mentioned it, I did smell pickle on him. Did he say why?

  Cassie: I think he felt pretty bad about whatever went down between you two in the barn. Not to be nosy or to make you feel uncomfortable. I just thought you might want to know.

  Noelle: Wow. Yeah, I’m glad you told me. We didn’t have much time to talk last night at the bakery, what with all the police activity and cupcake-guarding going on. And I didn’t really know what to say. All of last night feels weird right now. I don’t like weird.

  Cassie: I’m sure he wants to make amends. Clint’s a sweet guy, Noelle. He might rush in without thinking things through sometimes, but that’s what he’s been trained to do—make the best call as quickly as possible and take immediate action. His life has literally depended on his ability to make swift, efficient decisions, so I’m sure that’s a hard habit to break.

  Whatever he did to upset you, I’m sure he didn’t mean to do it. And that he’ll do better next time if you want to give him a second chance.

  But whether that’s a friendly second chance or something more is none of my business, and I’m not going to pester you about it. I want to be your friend because I like you. You dating or not dating my brother-in-law has nothing to do with it.

  Noelle: Thanks, Cassie. *hugging emoji* I’m so glad we connected!

  And I would be honored to call you my friend. And Clint, too. I think I rushed to some wrong conclusions with him, and I’m going to make amends for my part in all the weirdness. Right now, in fact. If I hurry, I think I can catch him before he leaves his place.

  Cassie: Yeah, he usually heads out around eight. Sometimes he stops by for coffee with Ryan before work and that’s the time he leaves our house, anyway, but definitely not today. Oh! And you should take him coffee from the Kennedy Day School. You’ve been there? The converted school that’s now a sandwich shop? The Death by Caffeine blend is his favorite.

  Noelle: Perfect! Thanks so much, Cassie. See you soon.

  Cassie: Yes! I’m serious about hanging out if you want me there so you’re not alone this morning. So just let me know! Bye babe, and good luck.

  Thirteen

  Clint

  I’m lucky and hardworking enough to be good at a lot of things.

  I excel at a handful of those things.

  And I’m the best of the best of the best at two or three of those.

  But my one true superpower? The thing that’s kept me alive in dangerous situations that required prolonged, consistent vigilance, and through a childhood plagued by older brothers who enjoyed tying me to various pieces of furniture when they caught me napping as a toddler?

  I can go up to forty-eight hours without sleep with few ill effects.

  Sure, I feel tired, and my vision starts to blur a little by the end, but I stay sharp, focused, and sound of mind and body.

  So standing guard outside the bakery all night and heading home at seven this morning to take a quick shower before I leave for work?

  Let’s just say I could definitely meme myself again here. But I won’t.

  I’m still going strong. So strong, that when I get home and strip down for a shower, I realize I’m missing a prime opportunity for a run before work. It’s a hassle to change out of my dress uniform into gym clothes for a lunchtime run, and then back into the dress uniform again for my afternoon meetings, but I’m a Marine, goddammit. I make fitness fucking happen, even when sock garters and ties are involved.

  Still, no reason not to do it now, when I’m feeling so fabulous.

  Since I’m already naked, I wrap a towel around my waist and head down the hall to the tiny laundry room/mudroom/screened-in porch at the back of the cabin to grab a pair of running shorts from the dryer.

  I’m bent over the dryer, debating whether I have time to fold the entire load before I leave, when a voice calls out from the side of the cabin, “Hello? Clint? Are you there?”

  Instantly my heart thrusts its fists into the air and does a victory lap around the end zone complete with a booty shake dance at the end.

  Noelle’s here.

  And she’s come to me this time.

  “I’m out back,” I call. “Come on around.”

  “Oh, good. Glad I caught you! I brought coffee.”

  Her voice gets closer, and I stand to see her climbing the outside steps to the porch with two Kennedy Day School coffee cups in hand and my chest feels even lighter.


  I hope this means I’ve been forgiven for being an ass last night in the barn.

  “Here. Let me get the door.” I bound the two steps to the door and open it wide, just as a gusty winter wind blows through the woods behind the house, stirring the bare tree branches and dislodging my towel.

  One second it’s firmly around my waist, the next, it’s in a puddle around my feet.

  For the first time in longer than I can remember, my face goes hot all over, a sure sign that I’m blushing as bright as Rudolph’s nose.

  “Oh my God.” Noelle averts her gaze with a nervous laugh only to peek back again a second later.

  “Sorry.” I snatch at the towel and end up stumbling off the top step onto the one beneath, bringing my bare ass within inches of Noelle’s completely clothed body. I curse beneath my breath. I’ve had my share of fantasies about getting naked with Noelle, but none of them started like this.

  “It’s fine.” She laughs again like she’s embarrassed. “I’m not looking, I promise.”

  I glance over my shoulder as I hop back onto the top step to find her peeking through the coffee cups she’s lifted in front of her face.

  Propping my hands on my hips, I turn to face her again. “You want to look? Go ahead and look.”

  “I don’t want to look,” she says, cups still hovering in front of her very open, very round, very dark eyes. “I want to pretend I’m not looking, and then take a harmless little peek.”

  “That isn’t a little peek, woman.” I try to keep my tone light, even though the feel of her eyes tracking up and down my body is making my nerve endings sizzle.

  “If that’s a mini-gherkin, I don’t want to know what a full-size dill looks like,” she murmurs in a husky voice that makes the sizzling worse and that not-mini part of me lift his head to say hi. “You’re just so…lovely.”

  “Thank you.” My gaze skims down over her chunky red sweater, clingy leggings, and boots so tiny its hard to believe adult-sized feet fit inside them, and I have zero chance of controlling my growing hard-on now. “You’re not so bad yourself.”

  “No, I am. At least compared to you. I’m a normal human. You’re…” She shakes her head, the cups drifting lower as she sighs. “You’re a work of art, Clint. Really.”

  I arch a hopeful brow. “A work of art you’ve forgiven for being an asshole last night?”

  She frowns. “How were you an asshole last night? You helped me with the police and stood guard over the only thing of value I have left in the world. You’re…” She trails off, her lips quirking shyly at the edges. “You’re my hero.”

  “Not then.” I duck my head for half a second before meeting her gaze head-on again, hating to remind her of my less-than-heroic behavior, but wanting to keep things honest between us. “Before. In the barn.”

  She doesn’t blink as she slowly nods. “I don’t think you meant to be an asshole. Did you?”

  “I didn’t,” I assure her.

  “And I was kind of an asshole too. Jumping to conclusions and assuming the worst, when you’ve only ever been kind and generous with me.”

  “I want to be even more generous with you,” I say, knowing it’s pointless to try to hide the way she makes me feel, not when the evidence is now pointing straight toward her at full-mast. “I’ve got a little crush on you, Cupcake, in case you hadn’t noticed.”

  Her cheeks go pink as she whispers, “I’ve noticed. And I thought a lot about what you said last night. About shutting out life…”

  “Yeah? Come to any conclusions?”

  “Maybe a few.” Her face flushes a deeper red as her eyes lift to the gray sky overhead. “Aren’t you cold?”

  “I don’t feel cold, the cold feels me,” I tease, loving the way her face lights up as she laughs. “You’ve got the best smile. So damned pretty.”

  Her expression sobers as she looks up at me through her lashes. “I like your smile too. But my overall perspective hasn’t changed, Clint. Not really. I don’t think we’d be compatible long term, no matter how awesome you are. And I do think you’re awesome.” Her attention drifts down, skimming over my chest and then lower still. “Really, really awesome.”

  “Eyes up here, Cupcake.” I point two fingers to my face and fake a frustrated huff.

  She bites her lip, a guilty grin stretching her pink cheeks. “Sorry. It’s been a long time since I’ve, um…you know. Like, a really long time. Which is why I was sort of thinking…”

  My brows lift. “Thinking what?”

  She takes a deep breath and holds it for a long beat before her words emerge in a rush. “Thinking that maybe we could bring each other some holiday cheer and leave it at that. I’m not usually into casual stuff, but I can’t stop thinking about your body. Even when you’re not standing naked right in front of me.” I start to speak, but she rushes on, “And I’d really like to touch you. And taste you. And do other things to you that probably aren’t safe to talk about right now because if that situation south of your border gets any more serious, you’re going to give every animal in the forest an inferiority complex.”

  “Animals don’t care about things like that,” I assure her, my voice thicker, deeper, because I’m pretty sure I want Noelle to touch and taste me more than I want to keep drawing breath. “And I’m not usually a casual guy, no, but…”

  “If you’re not interested that’s totally okay. I just thought…” She blinks, the nervousness and hunger mixing on her face making me want to call in sick and keep her prisoner in my bed all day long.

  “Hey. In case I haven’t been clear enough, I want you. I want you so much, Noelle,” I say softly. I do. But I have commitments I can’t break, and I don’t want to rush into this with her, not until we establish a few ground rules first. “So if all you can offer is holiday happiness…I’ll take it.”

  Her eyes light up, but I hold up a hand before she can speak. “On two conditions.”

  She swallows and nods. “Of course. Conditions are good. I’m fine with conditions.”

  I descend the steps slowly, stopping when I’m two steps below her and our eyes are almost level. “You’re mine. From now until the clock strikes twelve on New Year’s Eve, your lips and your hands and every other part of your beautiful body belongs to me. No one makes you sigh or moan or scream their name, but me. Does that work for you?”

  She nods, her lids drooping to half-mast and her lips parting as she sighs in a sexy-as-sin voice, “Yes. That works.” She leans closer, her head angling to one side as she aims her lips at mine, but I stop her with a finger pressed to her pretty mouth.

  God, that mouth. I can’t wait to taste that mouth again.

  “Think it over today,” I say. “Make sure that’s really what you want, and let me know tonight. You’re working the Toys for Tots event, right?”

  She nods, eyes holding mine captive. “Yes. But…”

  “But what, Cupcake?”

  “But you’re naked now,” she whispers. “And I could be naked in like…ten seconds.”

  “Ten seconds?” I tease, unable to resist playing with fire. Just a little. “That’s fast.”

  “I’m really good at getting naked.” Her melted chocolate eyes meet mine as she adds, “And I can’t wait to be naked with you.”

  “Ditto,” I growl beneath my breath. “Pretty sure you could hang a Christmas wreath on my dick right now, Cupcake, but I have to go.”

  Her forehead wrinkles. “Do you really? No one’s going to complain if the bakery opens an hour late.” She brings her hands—still full of coffee—to my chest, pressing warm knuckles to where my heart slams beneath my ribs. “Surely a few good boys can wait to become a few good men?”

  My lips curve. “My last three recruits were young women, Cupcake. Check your sexism.”

  “That’s fantastic. And so different from when I was growing up. I guess I’m used to female Marines on post being something that made people stop and stare.” She flutters her lashes. “But I’d love to learn more about the cu
rrent demographics within the Corps. Want to head inside and you can…tutor me?”

  “I want to tutor you more than I want to buy my parents prank Christmas gerbils, but I’ve got to give a speech to five hundred high school kids in Jackson in approximately ninety minutes. If I don’t get on the road in forty minutes, I’ll be late.”

  She tilts her head, speculation written in those gorgeous dark eyes. “Late-late, or military late?”

  It’s sexy as hell to me that she knows that five minutes early is ten minutes late. I circle my fingers around hers, trapping them between my skin and the warm cup beneath. “Halfway between. But more important, our first time won’t be a quickie. That goes against my moral code. Our first time will be a long, lingering, multi-orgasmic experience.”

  Her breath rushes out, hanging between us in a lust-filled cloud of white. “That sounds like a really great code. I’m in.”

  I take the coffee from her hand with a grin. “You haven’t heard my second condition.”

  “Right.” She chews on her bottom lip. “What’s the second condition? That’s almond milk in that one, by the way. The woman at the Kennedy Day School said you liked that better than half and half.”

  Touched by her thoughtfulness, even if it is just a cup of coffee, I bend to kiss her forehead. “Thanks, Cupcake. That’s perfect.” I straighten and move around her on the stairs, because if I stand here any longer, I’m going to give in to her idea of a quickie before work. I glance back at her as I step back into the cabin. “The second condition is you agree to be my date for Snowmen After Dark.”