Jokelopedia
Page 5
Scare the living daylights out of the your little brother!
Take a picture of the creepiest, scariest, grossest monster you can find and hide it somewhere in your house. Lead your younger sibling to the hiding place, swear him to secrecy, then reveal the photo and say it’s a photo of him when he was born.
Work your big sister into a lather!
Tell her that one of her friends called (for this to work, be specific—use the real name of someone your sibling is close to) and said one of the coolest kids at school is having a party tonight, but you can’t remember all the details. Then run and hide for the rest of the day.
TEACHER: Amy, I’ve had to send you to the principal’s office every day this week. What do you have to say for yourself?
AMY: I’m glad it’s Friday!
PRINCIPAL: Esmé, did you really call your teacher a meanie?
ESMÉ: Yes, I did.
PRINCIPAL: And is it true you called her a wicked old witch?
ESMÉ: Yes, it is.
PRINCIPAL: And did you also call her a tomato-nosed beanbag?
ESMÉ: No, but I’ll remember that for next time!
TEACHER: Sam, if I put a dozen marbles in my right pocket, fifteen marbles in my left pocket, and thirty-one marbles in my back pocket, what would I have?
SAM: Heavy pants!
TEACHER: Kevin, how do you spell crocodile?
KEVIN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L.
TEACHER: No, I’m sorry, that’s wrong.
KEVIN: It can’t be. You asked me how I spell it!
A tutor who tooted the flute
Tutored two tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
“Is it easier to toot or
To tutor two tooters to toot?”
Why do magicians do so well in school?
They’re good at trick questions.
Why did the cyclops have to close his school?
Because he had only one pupil.
Why was the little bird suspended from school?
It was caught peeping.
A little girl was counting to ten for her math teacher. “One, two, three, four, five,” she said. “Six, seven, eight, ten!”
“Didn’t you forget something?” prompted the teacher. “What happened to nine?”
“No,” replied the girl. “Seven eight nine.”
How much fun can you have doing arithmetic?
Sum fun!
BOY: Isn’t our principal stupid?
GIRL: Hey, do you know who I am?
BOY: No, why should I?
GIRL: I’m the principal’s daughter.
BOY: Do you know who I am?
GIRL: No.
BOY: Thank goodness!
Why was the teacher cross-eyed?
Because he couldn’t control his pupils!
SPOTLIGHT
Charlie Chaplin
Charlie Chaplin was born in London, England, in 1889. The son of two music-hall performers, he grew up around entertainers, and it’s said that the first time he stepped on stage was when he was five, filling in for his mother when she was too sick to perform!
Chaplin immigrated to the United States in his early 20s, where he was soon picked up as an actor by the Keystone Film Company. He succeeded in the trademark silent films Keystone was producing—movies with no recorded soundtrack or dialogue—thanks to the famous “Tramp” character he developed. This persona was a homeless man who—despite his silly costume of a tight coat and oversize pants, shoes, and hat—had the proper manners of a gentleman.
As Chaplin proved his talent, he got more creative control over his comedy. In 1921, he released the film The Kid, which he produced and directed himself. Altogether, Chaplin produced more than 80 films and even earned a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame for his comic genius.
Once, at the height of his popularity, he entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest under a different name as a joke, and he finished in third place!
BEHIND THE PUNCH LINE:
Puns
Have you ever noticed that some words have more than one meaning? A joke that uses both meanings of a word is called a pun. For example, “bark” is something on the outside of a tree. But “bark” is also the sound a dog makes. A pun on “bark” might go something like this: Q: What do you get when you cross a St. Bernard with a birch?
A: A tree with a very loud bark!
Puns can also be plays on words that sound similar but have different meanings. Compare the words “sitar” and “sitter,” for example. A sitar is an Indian instrument that looks like a guitar. But the word is pronounced almost like “sitter”—the person who takes care of you while your parents are out. Think how funny it would be if your parents hired a baby sitar to look after you the next time they were away!
One by one, a class of fifth-graders were called on to make sentences with words chosen by their teacher. Nick didn’t often participate in class, so his teacher was glad when she saw him raise his hand to give it a try.
“Nick,” said the teacher, “make a sentence with the words ‘defeat,’ ‘defense,’ ‘deduct,’ and ‘detail.’”
Nick thought for a few minutes and smiled. He shouted, “Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail!”
How are a king and a yardstick alike?
They’re both rulers.
CHEMISTRY TEACHER: What is the formula for water?
STUDENT: H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O.
CHEMISTRY TEACHER: Why would you give a silly answer like that?
STUDENT: You said it was H to O!
TEACHER: José, go to the map and find North America.
JOSÉ: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered North America?
CLASS (in unison): José!
SAM: Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?
TEACHER: No, of course not.
SAM: Good, because I didn’t do my homework.
SPOTLIGHT
The Office
Based on the hit BBC series of the same name, The Office is a “mockumentary” of the everyday lives of Dunder Mifflin Paper Company employees. Most of the laughs surround the oblivious but well-intentioned boss, Michael Scott (Steve Carell). Under his leadership—and that of the bosses who followed, including Andy Bernard (Ed Helms) and Robert California (James Spader)—the employees often find their days of tedium interrupted by unnecessary field trips, useless meetings, office hijinks, crafty pranks, and anything else that will sidetrack work.
What do you call a student who can subtract, multiply, and divide but can’t add?
A total failure.
TEACHER: Why were the early days of history called the Dark Ages?
TOMMY: Because there were so many knights.
Why did George Washington chop down the cherry tree?
I’m stumped.
Why was the math book sad?
It had too many problems.
TEACHER: What is half of 8?
LUCY: Up and down or across?
TEACHER: What do you mean?
LUCY: Well, up and down makes 3 and across makes 0.
What’s the difference between teachers and trains?
Trains say “Choo Choo!” and teachers say “Spit that gum out!”
“Johnny,” said the teacher, “please make up a sentence using the word ‘lettuce.’”
Johnny thought a minute and said, “Please lettuce leave class early today!”
Yoon came to school without her homework assignment.
“Where is your homework?” asked her teacher.
“I ate it,” said Yoon.
“But why did you do such a thing?” asked her teacher.
“You told the class yesterday that it would be a piece of cake.”
What’s the capital of California?
C.
TEACHER: What does the word benign mean?
SARA: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Why is animal testing a bad idea?
Be
cause they get nervous and give all the wrong answers.
TEACHER: If I gave you four cats today and six cats tomorrow, how many cats would you have?
JANE: Eleven.
TEACHER: That’s not right, you’d have ten.
JANE: No, Miss, I’d have eleven. I already have one cat at home!
On the first day of class, the teacher asked any troublemakers to stand up. After a few moments of silence, a shy little girl stood up. “Are you a troublemaker?” the teacher asked.
“No,” replied the girl, “I just hate to see you standing there all by yourself.”
TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
CHARLIE: Eight.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
CHARLIE: Ten.
TEACHER: That’s impossible.
CHARLIE: No, it isn’t. I’m nine today.
TEACHER: Why are you late?
DANA: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
DANA: The one that says, “SCHOOL AHEAD, GO SLOW.”
A frog expert from the aquarium gave a talk to a third-grade class. “It’s easy to tell the male frogs from the female frogs,” she said. “When you feed them, the male frogs will only eat female flies, and the female frogs will only eat male flies.”
“But how do you know which flies are male and which are female?” asked a boy sitting at the back of the class.
“How am I supposed to know?” replied the woman. “I’m a frog expert.”
A speaker was booked to address an audience at a university. About two hours before she was supposed to speak, however, a couple of student jokers loaded all the folding chairs from the auditorium into a truck and drove off. No one knew about this until the audience began to arrive for the lecture. It was too late to do anything about it, and the audience had to stand throughout her talk. That evening she wrote a letter to her mother: “It was a tremendous success. Hours before I got there, every seat in the house was taken, and I was given a standing ovation throughout my speech.
“If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many would you have?” the teacher asked the little boy.
“One dollar,” replied the boy.
“You don’t know your arithmetic,” said the teacher.
“No,” replied the boy. “You don’t know my father.”
How do you fire a math teacher?
Tell her she’s history.
A child comes home from her first day at school. Her father asks, “Well, what did you learn today?”
The daughter replies, “Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow.”
Did you hear about the delivery van loaded with thesauruses that crashed into a taxi?
Witnesses were astounded, shocked, taken aback, surprised, startled, dumbfounded, thunderstruck, caught unawares …
Sheila was called into her teacher’s office for a talk.
“I’m sorry,” said the teacher, “but I found out you cheated on your test, so I’m changing your A to an F. Do you have anything to say?”
“Yes,” said Sheila. “That’s pretty degrading.”
Why did the teacher put rubber bands on her students’ heads?
So they could make snap decisions.
Why did the 25-watt bulb flunk out of school?
He wasn’t very bright.
What did the weather announcer say about his meteorology test?
“It was a breeze with only a few foggy patches.”
TEACHER: Class, someone has stolen my purse out of my desk. It had $100 in it. I know you’re all basically good kids, so I’m willing to offer a reward of $10 to whoever returns it.
VOICE AT THE BACK OF THE ROOM: I’m offering $20!
Why are some school classes not very interesting?
Because they were developed by the BORED of Education.
Why do spiders do so well in computer class?
They love the Web.
The teacher came outside and found one of her students sitting on the ground with his hands in a giant mud puddle. “What are you doing?” asked the teacher.
The little boy looked up and said, “They say it rained an inch and three quarters last night, and I sure could use the seventy-five cents!”
What kind of school does Sherlock Holmes attend?
Elementary, my dear Watson.
A kindergarten teacher watched her classroom of children while they were drawing. She occasionally walked around to see each child’s work.
As she got to one little girl who was working very hard, she asked her what the drawing was.
The girl replied, “I’m drawing heaven.”
The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what heaven looks like.”
Without looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”
On the first day of school, the kindergarten teacher said to her class, “If anyone has to go to the bathroom, please hold up two fingers.”
A little voice from the back row asked, “How will that help?”
TEACHER: If you reach into your left pocket and pull out 25 cents and reach into your right pocket and pull out 40 cents, what would you have?
BILLY: Someone else’s pants!
Why do ghosts make great cheerleaders?
They have lots of spirit.
The class was studying for a history test when one student said, “I wish we lived way back in time.”
“Why is that?” asked the teacher.
“Then there would be less history to learn!”
Jordan was playing in the schoolyard when he fell down and broke his right arm. Aaliyah came running up to him with a big smile on her face. “Wow, Jordan, you’re so lucky. Now you don’t have to take any exams.”
“Actually, I’m really unlucky,” replied Jordan.
“What makes you say that?” she asked.
“I’m left-handed,” Jordan moaned. “I meant to fall on my other arm.”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Locker.
Locker who?
Locker out, but let me in!
Why did the student take her math homework to gym class?
She wanted to work out her problems.
What do elves do after school?
Gnomework.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dewey.
Dewey who?
Dewey have to go to school today?
CARSON: The dog ate my homework.
TEACHER: Carson, you don’t have a dog.
CARSON: It was a stray.
A Quick Geography Lesson
What did Tennessee?
The same thing that Arkansas.
What did Delaware?
Her New Jersey.
What did Mississip’?
Her Minnesota.
What did Idaho?
Her Maryland.
Where do you find Canada?
On a map.
TEACHER: Bobby, what happened in the year 1492?
BOBBY: I don’t know. I wasn’t alive back then.
TEACHER: That’s enough of that, Bobby. Now, I’ll give you a hint.
Do Niña, Pinta, and Santa Maria sound familiar?
BOBBY: Not to me. I don’t know a lot about salsa music.
Why did the student think his teacher was color-blind?
Because every time she caught him cheating, she said she was seeing red.
GEOGRAPHY TEACHER: What state would you find Lincoln in?
STUDENT: A state of extreme boredom, if he was in this class.
During which school period do cars get put together?
Assembly.
Why did the student put on eyeliner and mascara in school?
Because the teacher said she was giving the class a makeup exam.
TEACHER: What are you reading?
STUDENT: I don’t know.
TEACHER: But you’re reading out loud.
STUDENT: Y
es, but I’m not listening!
TEACHER: What does minimum mean?
STUDENT: A very small mother.
TEACHER: What is “out of bounds”?
STUDENT: An exhausted kangaroo!
Do history teachers ever marry?
No, they just get dated.
What’s a history teacher’s favorite quiz show?
The Dating Game.
BAD APPLES
And PCs, Too!
Why did the computer cross the road?
To get a byte to eat.
What does a computer programmer eat for lunch?
An Apple!
They say that Isaac Newton discovered the law of gravity when an apple fell on his head.
Was it a laptop or a desktop model?
CUSTOMER: I cleaned my computer and now it’s broken!
REPAIR TECHNICIAN: What did you clean it with?
CUSTOMER: Water and soap.
REPAIR TECHNICIAN: You’re not supposed to bring water near a computer!
CUSTOMER: I don’t think it was the water that broke it. … I think it was the spin cycle!
Where do cool mice live?
Mousepads.
What do they serve at the cyber café?
Silicon chips with dip.
Why was Susan’s dad kicking the computer?
Because he was trying to boot it up.
Where did the computer go to dance?
The Disc-o.
What computer sings the best?
Adele.
Why didn’t the mouse cross the road?
The cord wasn’t long enough.
A woman was having lunch with two friends and asked them where she could buy windows.
The first friend, who loved building things, said, “Try a hardware store.”