by Eva Blank
“In the pool.”
A father and his small daughter were standing in front of the tiger’s cage at the zoo. The dad was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and the little girl was listening to him with a very serious expression.
“Daddy,” she said finally, “if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up…”
“Yes, dear?” asked the father.
“Which bus would I take home?”
Where do snowmen and snowwomen go to dance?
The snowball.
Two mothers were comparing stories about their children. The first one complained that her son never wanted to get out of bed in the morning. The second told her, “I don’t have that problem. When it’s time for my son to get up, I just throw the cat in his bed.”
“How does that help?” asked the first mom.
“He sleeps with the dog.”
A little boy was practicing the violin in the living room while his mother was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of the violin reached the dog’s ears, he began to howl loudly. The mother listened to the dog and the violin for as long as she could. Then she jumped up, dropped her paper to the floor, and shouted above the noise, “For goodness’ sake, can’t you play something the dog doesn’t know?”
A man bought his wife a talking bird for her birthday. It spoke seven languages and cost him a month’s pay. “Well,” he asked her when he got home, “did you get the bird I sent you?”
“Yes,” answered his wife. “I already have it in the oven.”
“What! That bird could speak seven languages!” said the man, upset.
“Then why didn’t it say anything?”
SPOTLIGHT
The Marx Brothers
The Marx Brothers were a comedy team of brothers—Groucho, Chico, Harpo, Gummo, and Zeppo—who first gained notice for their use of improvisation onstage. The brothers were organized into an act in 1914 by their mother, who often performed with them in vaudeville shows. The brothers (except for Gummo, who quit the act in 1924 and was replaced by younger brother Zeppo) appeared on Broadway in 1924 in a show called I’ll Say She Is. During the show, the Marx Brothers made up most of their lines on the spot and even talked to the audience from the stage; they rarely used the script. People attended the show over and over because no two performances were ever alike.
The brothers’ first film, The Cocoanuts, was created from another Broadway show. It opened in 1929, and the Marx Brothers immediately became movie stars. During the 1930s, they made a movie a year. Movies like Animal Crackers, Duck Soup, and A Night at the Opera showcased the Marxes’ flawless comic timing. Although the brothers were not able to improvise as much in films as they did onstage, their easy interaction with one another on the movie screen made it seem as if they were.
What do you get when you cross your brother with an owl?
A wise guy.
A little girl came home early from school, so her father asked her why.
“Because I was the only one who could answer a question,” she told him.
“What question was that?” said her father.
“Who threw the paper airplane at the teacher?”
Why did Billy’s brother run to the refrigerator when Billy asked him to play?
Because his favorite game was freeze tag.
One day a little girl put her shoes on by herself for the first time. Her mother noticed that her left shoe was on her right foot.
“Honey,” said the mom, “I think your shoes are on the wrong feet.”
The little girl looked up and said, “No, Mom, I know these are my feet.”
A suspicious husband hires a private detective to check up on his wife. The husband tells the detective that he wants not only a written account but also as many videos of her in any kind of compromising situations as the detective can get.
Two weeks later the detective calls the man and tells him to meet at his office, that he has all the evidence he needs. The man hurries to the detective’s office and they sit together watching the videos. The first video shows the man’s wife meeting another man, and the two of them are walking in the park, laughing. Another video shows her with a different man, smiling and dancing.
All together, he watches videos of his wife involved in dozens of different activities, each with a different man, each time appearing extremely happy. “Amazing,” said the husband, in shock. “Simply amazing! I just can’t believe it.”
“I’m so sorry,” the detective said. “It makes us think we can never really know anyone, even those so close to us.”
“I know!” replied the man, still in shock. “I really never knew my wife could be so much fun.”
A boy was riding in the elevator of a very tall building with his parents. He tugged on his father’s coat and, when his father bent over, asked him a question.
The father frowned and shook his head. The little boy tugged on his father’s coat again and asked the same question.
“No,” said the father.
When the little boy tugged on his father’s coat a third time, the father lost his patience and said, “I don’t care how Superman does it! We’re going up this way!”
Why do parents carry their babies?
Because babies aren’t big enough to carry their parents.
Little Doris went to visit the new baby at the Johnsons’ house. Mrs. Johnson answered the door and Doris said, “Hi, Mrs. Johnson, is baby Bobby there? Could I talk to him?”
Mrs. Johnson smiled and said, “I’m sorry but Bobby is only a little baby. He can’t talk yet.”
Doris said, “That’s OK. I’ll wait.”
What did the paint give the wall on their first anniversary?
A new coat.
Why did the pregnant woman race to the hospital?
She wanted to have a speedy delivery.
When should you bring your father to class?
When you have a pop quiz.
“Are caterpillars good to eat?” asked a little boy at the dinner table.
“No,” said his father. “What makes you ask a question like that?”
“You had one on your salad, but it’s gone now.”
Why was the margarine unhappy when she gave birth to the marmalade?
She was expecting something butter.
Jack couldn’t mow the lawn yesterday because he sprained his ankle. What do you think his dad said to that?
“That’s a lame excuse!”
PRACTICAL JOKE
Tell someone that you can pin a glass of water to the wall. Naturally, your victim will not believe you, so you set out to prove it. You will need a glass (a real glass, not a paper cup) of water and a straight pin. Hold the glass up and start pinning it up—then drop the pin. Ask your victim very nicely to please pick up the pin for you. When he or she bends over to get the pin, pour the water on his or her head.
Sally’s parents were going out, and Sally said, “For twenty bucks, Dad, I’ll be good.”
“Oh, please,” said her father. “When I was your age, I was good for nothing.”
A man calls his brother with a request. He says, “As you know, I’m going on a business trip soon, and if my wife gives birth while I’m away, I want you to name the twins.”
“It’ll be an honor to do that for you,” replies the brother.
A month later the brother calls with news that the twins were born.
“Your wife gave birth to a beautiful girl and a handsome boy,” says the brother.
“That’s wonderful! What did you call them?” the man asks.
“I called the girl Deniece,” says the brother.
“That’s very pretty. And what did you call the boy?” asks the man.
“I called the boy De nephew.”
While on duty, a lifeguard noticed a small boy peeing in the pool and went to inform the boy’s mother. He asked the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.
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��Everyone knows,” the mother replied to him, “that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool.”
“Maybe so,” said the lifeguard. “But not usually from the diving board!”
Three old men have just arrived in heaven and are attending an orientation meeting. They are all asked, “When you are at the funeral and your friends and families are mourning, what would you like to hear them say about you?”
The first guy says, “I’d like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a great family man.”
The second guy says, “I would like them to say that I was a wonderful husband and schoolteacher, and that I made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”
The last guy thinks a moment and says, “I think I’d like to hear them say ‘Look! He’s moving!’”
A bully is picking on a boy’s sister. The boy runs up and pushes the bully away, saying, “Stop picking on my sister—that’s my job!”
When do mothers have baby boys?
On Son-days.
Why did the little girl bury her father and mother?
She wanted to grow a family tree.
What do weathermen call their baby boys?
Sunny.
A husband and wife were driving their RV across the country and were nearing a town called Kissimmee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure out how to pronounce it: KISS-i-me, kiss-I-me, kiss-i-ME. They grew more and more confused as they drove into the town. Because they were hungry, they pulled into a restaurant to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the server: “My wife and I can’t figure out how to pronounce the name of this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand?”
The server looked at him and said: “Buuurrrgerrrr Kiiiinnnng.”
OBJECTS OF AMUSEMENT
Household Items Unite
What did one plate say to the other?
“Dinner’s on me.”
What did one wall say to the other?
“Meet me at the corner.”
Why couldn’t the tire quit its job?
It was flat broke.
Why did the kid throw quarters under the car wheel?
He wanted to help change a tire.
Why did the stoplight turn red?
Wouldn’t you if you had to change in the middle of the street?
Why was everyone worried about the small bucket?
It was a little pail.
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.
Did you hear the one about the knives?
It’s a cutup.
Did you hear about the jigsaw puzzle that got fired?
It went to pieces.
How do you get a tissue to dance?
Put a little boogey in it.
What did the quilt say to the bed?
“I’ve got you covered.”
What did the shirt say to the sock in the dryer?
“I’ll see you next time around.”
Why did the scientist install a knocker on her door?
She wanted to win the no-bell prize.
WAYS TO DESCRIBE A NOT-SO-SMART PERSON
(they’ll never know it’s an insult!):
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.
(S)he fell out of the stupid tree and hit all the branches on the way down.
One fry shy of a Happy Meal.
A few sandwiches short of a picnic.
A few sodas short of a six-pack.
A few grapes short of a bunch.
The wheel is spinning, but the hamster’s dead.
A few bricks short of a load.
A few cards short of a deck.
The elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top.
What happened to the leopard that fell in the washer?
He came out spotless.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
Because it had a window pane.
Did you hear about the ice that lost its job?
It was crushed.
Did you hear about the underwear that lost its job?
It was bummed.
What do you put in a barrel to make it lighter?
A hole.
What did the rope say after it tangled?
“Oh no, knot again!”
Why couldn’t the bell keep a secret?
It always tolled.
What climbs trees without a sound and has feet that always touch the ground?
A vine.
What has teeth but doesn’t bite?
A comb.
SPOTLIGHT
Ellen DeGeneres
Before Ellen DeGeneres got her own daytime talk show, she did stand-up comedy, beginning her career at a club close to home, in New Orleans. It was just a few years later, in 1982, that a taped club performance helped launch her onto the national map, earning her the honor of Showtime’s “Funniest Person in America.”
By 1989, DeGeneres had moved to Los Angeles and decided to give acting a try. She landed the part of the title character in the groundbreaking sitcom Ellen, which ran from 1994 to 1998 and earned a number of awards and nominations. Since then she’s been in a number of films (in 2003, she was the voice of Dory, the lovable fish with incredibly short-term memory in the clever animated feature Finding Nemo), hosted numerous awards shows, and even authored two New York Times–best selling books, My Point … And I Do Have One (1995), and The Funny Thing Is … (2003), and published a third book, Seriously … I’m Kidding (2011).
DeGeneres soon returned to what she loves best—stand-up. Never one to turn down something new, however, she may have found a new love in 2003 with the start of her very own talk show. Her loyal fans tune in daily to watch her on The Ellen DeGeneres Show. Her audiences love her sincerity, directness, and most of all, her wry sense of humor—most of which comes from her unique observations on the absurdity of everyday life. She does silly dances at the beginning of each program, showing that she doesn’t take herself too seriously. And the funny bone just may be genetic—her brother, Vance, was a correspondent for Comedy Central’s The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (a funny take on real news topics) for several years. Ellen DeGeneres—comedian, actor, and daytime talk-show host extraordinaire. Is there anything she can’t do?
Why was the couch afraid of the chair?
The chair was armed.
What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday?
“I’ll never part with it.”
What gets wetter as it dries?
A towel.
What did the 0 say to the 8?
“Nice belt.”
How can you get four suits for a dollar?
Buy a deck of cards.
Why shouldn’t you hang a funny picture on your wall?
The plaster might crack up.
What did the lightbulb say to the switch?
“You turn me on.”
What has a head and a tail but no body?
A coin!
NEW SHOELACE: Why are you crying, Old Shoelace? Can’t you tie a bow?
OLD SHOELACE: No, I’m a frayed knot.
Why did the boy eat the lamp?
His mother told him to have a light snack.
What is a soda machine’s favorite dance?
The can-can!
What do you throw out when you need it and take in when you don’t need it?
An anchor.
What driver doesn’t need a license?
A screwdriver!
One day, a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his favorite shirt. Upon entering the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”
“It depends,” she replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”
He yelled back, “UCLA.”
What did the couch say halfway through the marathon?
“Sofa, so good.�
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What did the carpet say to the floor?
“Don’t move. I’ve got you covered.”
A man is locked in a room with no way to get out. In the room are a piano, a saw, a table, and a baseball bat. How could he get out?
He could take a key from the piano and unlock the door.
He could take the bat and get three strikes. Then he’d be out.
He could take the saw and cut the table in two. Then by putting the two halves together, he would have a “hole” and he could get out.
What do you call an angle that’s gotten into a car crash?
A rectangle.
Why isn’t red happy to see purple?
It starts to feel blue.
What kind of bow is impossible to tie?
A rainbow.
PATIENT: Doctor, I think I’m a dog.
DOCTOR: Have a seat on the couch and we’ll talk about it.
PATIENT: I can’t. I’m not allowed on the furniture!
Why are riddles like pencils?
They’re no good unless they have a point!
What happens when you throw a clock in the air?
Time’s up!
What did the big clock say to his shy son?
“Take your hands off your face.”
Why did Bobby tie a clock to his palms?
He wanted to have time on his hands.
Why did the cabinet go to the psychiatrist?
It kept talking to its shelf.
PRACTICAL JOKES
Slumber-party jokes to try:
1. Wait until some unlucky person has the nerve to fall asleep first. Take a glass of warm water and carefully place his or her hand into the water. Wait.
Warning: This joke is supposed to make the victim wet the bed. Try this only if you are prepared to tackle the cleanup.
2. If a friend is sleeping in a four-poster bed, wait until he or she is asleep. Take a ball of yarn and wrap it around and around the bedposts, until your victim appears to be sleeping in a spider web. The reaction when the person wakes up and can’t get out of bed: priceless.