by Eva Blank
Silly Song
(Sung to the tune of “When the Saints Go Marching In”)
Oh when the ants
Get in our food,
It puts us in an awful mood.
We find legs in our egg salad,
When the ants get in our food.
Oh when the dog
Drools on our meal,
To eat at all loses all appeal.
We find slobber on our sandwich,
When the dog drools on our meal.
Oh when the sand
Gets in our lunch,
Potato chips have extra crunch.
We find grit in ground-beef patties,
When the sand gets in our lunch.
Oh when the flies
Land on our spread,
We’ve no desire to be fed.
We find bugs on our bologna,
When the flies land on our spread.
Next time we dine
We’ll stay inside.
Our hungry mouths we’ll open wide.
Within walls, it’s safe to swallow,
Next time we’ll dine inside.
Another Silly Song
Everybody’s doin’ it, doin’ it, doin’ it;
Pickin’ their noses and a-chewin’ it.
You think it’s some kinda candy
But it’s snot.
The Name Game
What do you call a girl with one leg?
Eileen.
What do you call a boy with no arms and no legs on the front porch?
Matt.
What do you call a man in a tiger’s cage?
Claude.
What do you call a boy hanging on the wall?
Art.
What do you call a boy floating in the pool?
Bob.
What do you call a girl with a wooden leg?
Peg.
What do you call a boy who’s been caught by a tribe of cannibals?
Stu.
ROCKET SCIENCE
All the Mysteries of Outer Space, Made More Confusing
Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker were duking it out somewhere in space. Darth Vader said to Luke, “Join me and experience the power of the dark side!”
Luke replied, “The dark side can’t be that powerful.”
“Yes it is. I even know what you’re getting for Christmas, Luke.”
“How?” Luke asked.
“I felt your presents.”
Why did the earthling fall in love with the alien?
Because she was out of this world!
Why did Captain Kirk sneak into the ladies’ room?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
Why did the atom cross the road?
Because it was time to split.
BEHIND THE PUNCH LINE:
The Funny Pages
When you read the comic strips every Sunday, do you think about the artists as comedians? Probably not—but they are. They use paper and pen rather than their voices and bodies to make people laugh.
Charles Schulz, who wrote Peanuts for fifty consecutive years until his death in 2000, managed to give each one of his characters a distinctly funny and different personality. There was Charlie Brown, the eternally optimistic loser; Lucy, the grumpy meanie; Linus, who liked to be left alone; and Sally, the romantic, among others. Garry Trudeau, the author of Doonesbury, uses his pen to poke fun at politics. Dilbert cartoonist Scott Anderson makes light of office jobs. And the list goes on.
What are your favorite comic strips? Next time you look at one, think about the artist applying the steps in this book in order to express a perfectly timed joke. You will see that comedy comes through in writing as well as it does in spoken words.
Why couldn’t the astronauts book a room on the moon?
Because it was full.
What did the alien say to the pop bottle?
“Take me to your liter.”
What did the alien say to the tree?
“Take me to your cedar.”
What did the sun say when it was introduced to the earth?
“Pleased to heat you.”
A robot mother and daughter walk by a hardware store, and the daughter stops to admire the paint cans displayed in the window. “I’m sorry,” says the mother robot, “but your old coat will have to last you another year.”
What do you call a robot that always takes the longest route?
R2 Detour.
How did the scientist invent bug spray?
She started from scratch.
Sherlock Holmes and his trusty associate Watson were on a camping trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, “Watson, look up and tell me what you see.”
“Well, I see thousands of stars,” he replied.
“And what does that tell you?” asked Holmes.
“I guess it means we’re going to have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you?”
“To me, it means that someone has stolen our tent.”
What did the alien say to the tabby cat?
“Take me to your litter.”
What did the alien say to the eggs?
“Take me to your beater.”
What did the astronaut think of the takeoff?
She thought it was a blast.
How come aliens don’t drown in hot chocolate?
They sit on the Mars-mallows.
One day, a flying saucer lands in Times Square and tries to park in the middle of the sidewalk. Immediately a traffic cop rushes over to the Martian and says, “You can’t park that thing here. Go find a legal spot.”
The Martian looks up and says, “Take me to your meter.”
SPOTLIGHT
Chris Rock
Chris Rock has gained fame as a sassy, wacky, pop-culture expert. His witty commentary on current events has made him a comedy star for the MTV generation.
A teenage Rock was initiated into the Manhattan comedy club scene as a protégé of much-admired comic Eddie Murphy. Rock followed Murphy’s career path to Saturday Night Live, where Rock appeared from 1990 to 1993.
Rock’s comedy style has stayed true to Murphy’s early style as well. He’s raw and rebellious, but with a sophisticated edge that comes from closely watching the nightly news. He frequently tackles tough issues like race and poverty in his comedy routines and isn’t afraid to make people angry to make a point.
After SNL, Rock produced several comedy specials that ran on the cable channel HBO. He has also appeared in several films, including Down to Earth (2001), The Longest Yard (2005), Grown Ups (2010), and What to Expect When You’re Expecting (2012).
Rock’s frequent appearances on HBO and several award shows have created a solid fan base and cemented his status in the comedy world. He’s also gained a following thanks to his cartoon voice-overs, such as the cold and flu fighter Osmosis in Osmosis Jones (2001) and Marty the zebra in the animated features Madagascar (2005), Madagascar 2 (2008), and Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted (2012). From sophisticated political comedy to cartoon antics, Chris Rock knows how to make people laugh.
EARTHLING: We put a man on the moon in 1969.
MARTIAN: Big deal! We’re going to put a team on the sun.
EARTHLING: You’re crazy! They’ll burn up before they even get close.
MARTIAN: We’re not that stupid! We’re sending them up at night!
How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying?
Comet.
Why did the Martian leave the Mars party?
He didn’t like the atmosphere.
How do you know when your little brother’s an alien?
He can change TV channels from the sofa without using the remote.
How do you know when your older sister’s an alien?
She always knocks before coming into your room.
How do you throw the best bash in the universe?
Planet.
How do you throw the best concert in the universe?
&n
bsp; Rocket.
How did the astronaut feel when he ran into the alien with six lasers for arms?
Stunned.
How does the man on the moon trim his hedge?
Eclipse it.
What sporting event do people from Venus, Mars, Saturn, and Mercury watch on TV every October?
The Out-of-This-World Series.
Why is football so popular on Venus?
Because all the houses have Astroturf on their front lawns.
What’s the best hockey team in the universe?
The All-Stars.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cosmos.
Cosmos who?
Cosmos of us are waiting outside, you should let us in!
What’s the difference between Neptune and Earth?
There’s a world of difference!
How do astronauts take their kids to school?
In space station wagons.
What happens to astronauts who misbehave?
They’re grounded.
What does an astronaut use to dust those hard-to-reach black holes?
A vacuum cleaner.
What did Neptune say to Saturn?
Give me a ring sometime.
Helpful Hint
If anyone ever makes fun of you for wearing glasses, tell them you have a very high-tech titanium alloy detachable face and that you need the hooks in your glasses to keep your face attached to the rest of your head.
Why was the spacecraft reading the horoscopes?
It was a Gemini.
Norbert Lagenfeld was a mad scientist who was thought to be creating replicas of himself in his laboratory. This was making some of the townsfolk anxious, so they gathered whatever they could and proceeded up the hill to confront him. The town stationer was armed with a box of pens, the librarian with a pile of books, and a handful of farmers had heavy sacks of wheat slung over their shoulders.
When they got to Lagenfeld’s mansion, they encountered dozens of replicas of the mad scientist running amok. The townsfolk set upon them, killing Lagenfeld’s creations left and right. The stationer poked them with her pens, the librarian clobbered them over the head with his books. Meanwhile, the farmers were hitting the replicas with the sacks of wheat. Soon the townsfolk collapsed in exhaustion, their work done—but off in the distance they saw Lagenfeld himself jump into his car. The few farmers with any energy left heaved their bags toward the car, but the bags broke open harmlessly and Lagenfeld made his getaway. As he vanished into the distance, they could hear him cry: “Bics and tomes may break my clones, but grains will never harm me.”
How do you turn a regular scientist into a mad scientist?
Step on her toes.
How do you know when you’re talking to a mad scientist and her clone?
They they say say everything everything twice twice.
What do you carve on a robot’s tombstone?
Rust in peace.
How do spacemen hold up their pants?
With asteroid belts.
Why did the silly astronaut turn off all the lights on the spaceship?
He wanted to travel at the speed of dark.
What do you get when you cross a potato with a rocket ship?
Spudnik.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Apollo.
Apollo who?
Apollo-gize for not answering sooner!
FAMILY FUNNIES
Brothers, Sisters, and Aunts of Step-uncles
DAD: When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he walked miles to school, uphill, in the snow, every day.
SON: Yeah? Well, when Abraham Lincoln was your age, Dad, he was president!
DAD 1: My son is so smart, I think he’s more intelligent than the president.
DAD 2: Why do you say that?
DAD 1: Well, he could recite the Gettysburg Address when he was ten. Lincoln didn’t recite it until he was fifty.
DAD: Today we celebrate Abraham Lincoln’s birthday. Some people called him Honest Abe.
DAUGHTER: If he was so honest, then why do they close all the banks and keep kids home from school?
What’s the difference between a dog who sticks his head out the car window and your little brother or sister?
One’s a neck in the pane, the other’s a pain in the neck.
What did the pantyhose say to the nylons at the family reunion?
“Wow, we really run in the family.”
A little boy returned from the grocery store with his mom. While his mom put away the groceries, the little boy opened his box of animal crackers and spread them all over the kitchen table.
“What are you doing?” asked his mom.
“The box says you shouldn’t eat them if the seal is broken,” said the little boy. “I’m looking for the seal.”
An elderly couple died in their sleep after long lives and found themselves in heaven. After greeting them, Saint Peter took them on a tour of their new environment. He said, “Here is your seaside condo; and over there are the swimming pools, tennis courts, and two golf courses. If you need any drinks, just stop by any of the many bars located all around the area.”
After Saint Peter was done and had walked off, the old man turned to his wife and said angrily, “Heck, Millie, we could have been here 15 years ago if you hadn’t made us eat all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat food!”
The daughter of a famous basketball star was watching television and her dad was in the other room. “Dad, come here! Mom’s on the television again!” yelled the little girl.
Her dad yelled back, “You just tell Mom to get off the television and sit on the couch like a normal adult.”
A mom walks into a store and asks if she could have a toy tractor for her daughter. The store clerk replies, “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we don’t do exchanges.”
What’s it called when you stop the car and make your annoying sibling get out?
A pest stop.
A little girl became ill and was taken to the hospital. It was her first time away from home and she began to cry. The nurse was concerned and asked the little girl if she was homesick.
“No,” said the girl. “I’m here sick!”
Mary’s husband lost his job as a tailor in a local shop, but he didn’t talk much about it. He didn’t seem to be too bothered, though, and Mary was so curious that she finally asked, “Why is it that you’re not working as a tailor anymore, Bill?”
Bill thought a moment and then he said, “Well, I guess it didn’t really suit me. It was a sew-sew job.”
“I am going to be a famous magician,” said Eddie to his father, “because I can make a golf ball float.”
Eddie’s father was very curious. “And how do you do that?” he asked.
“Well, it’s very scientific. It requires some magic ingredients,” said Eddie.
Eddie’s father leaned forward in his chair. “Oh, really,” he said. “And what are they?”
“Well, the golf ball, of course. And then two scoops of ice cream and some root beer.”
BEHIND THE PUNCH LINE:
Vaudeville
Vaudeville is a French word meaning a popular, comic song. The term eventually came to mean a comedy show featuring a collection of variety acts—singers as well as dancers, acrobats, comedians, mimes, ventriloquists, and performing animals. Skits and short plays were also part of the elaborate shows.
Vaudeville was one of the most popular forms of entertainment during the early part of the twentieth century. In 1919, there were more than 900 theaters in the country featuring vaudeville shows. At that time, movies were still new and they had no sound, since no one had figured out how to combine sounds with the pictures yet. Most working actors of that time performed in vaudeville shows. However, as new technology came along, “talkies”—movies with sound—appeared and became very popular. They became so popular that vaudeville shows were kicked out of their theaters to make room for movie screens.
A dad goes into a pet store and asks if he can return the puppy he got for his son. The owner replies, “I’m sorry, sir, but we’ve already sold your son to someone else.”
Little Sally always looked forward to her lunch, and today Sally’s mom was excited about the new treat she had planned for Sally. Sally’s mom laid a carefully arranged plate on the table and then went to the kitchen to get some napkins. She was completely confused when she came back to see Sally crying at the table.
“What’s wrong, Sally? Don’t you like the animal crackers I bought for you?” asked her mom.
Sally just cried even harder and wailed, “But Mommy, we’re vegetarians!”
What did the tomato dad say to his tomato son who was lagging behind?
“Ketchup!”
How did the giant’s wife know that Jack was coming?
She could hear Jack and the beans talk!
A teenager tells his father, “There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”
The father looks confused and says, “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.”
But the son insists. “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.”
His father is starting to get a little nervous. “You don’t even know what a carburetor is,” he says. “I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?”