by Eva Blank
Cob webs.
What did the corn give his fiancée when he proposed?
An ear ring.
A broccoli, a tomato, and a yam were running in a race. The broccoli got off to a great start, but being a green runner, didn’t have the strength to finish the race. The yam and the tomato were neck and neck for the first stretch, but the tomato quickly fell behind. The yam was about to reach the end of the track, but collapsed in exhaustion right before the finish line. Over the course of an hour, the tomato ran the entire length of the race, and won.
Why was the tomato so successful?
The tomato paste itself.
What do you get when you cross a bee with some beef?
A humburger.
The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza parlor and says,
“Make me one with everything.”
Why didn’t the salad joke make it into the book?
It got tossed.
MARIA: My brother is on a seafood diet.
SHELLY: What’s that?
MARIA: He eats whenever he sees food.
HUSBAND: Why can’t you make bread like your mother?
WIFE: I would if you made dough like your father!
What’s worse than finding a worm in the apple you’re eating?
Finding half a worm!
What does a millionaire make for dinner every night of the week?
Reservations.
Why couldn’t the monkey catch the banana?
The banana split.
How do you keep your dog from begging at the table?
Let him taste your cooking.
Why did the doughnut make a dentist’s appointment?
Because it needed a filling!
Try this everyday play on words.
Say your brother asks you to make him a peanut butter sandwich. What do you say? Pretend you’re a genie who has the power to transform!
YOUR BROTHER: Could you make me a peanut butter sandwich?
YOU: Abracadabra! There, you’re a peanut butter sandwich.
The same gag works for other types of sandwiches, chocolate cakes, and cups of tea. This joke is good for a few laughs, but don’t do it too often or someone might start playing tricks on you!
SHOWBIZ SHENANIGANS
Games with Famous Names
Which movie director always forgets to wear sunblock?
Steven Peelberg.
What gets Jackie Chan sick every winter?
Kung flu.
What did Bugs Bunny say to Michael Jordan?
“Eh … what’s up, jock?”
Who is Superman’s most religious enemy?
Lex Lutheran.
How do you make Lady Gaga mad?
Poker face.
Mary Poppins moved to California and started a business telling people’s fortunes. But she did’t read palms or tea leaves, she smelled a person’s breath. The sign outside read: “Super California Mystic, Expert Halitosis.”
An hour after dropping off her film at the 1-hour photo counter, Snow White rushed back, excited to pick up the developed pictures.
“Sorry,” said the clerk, “our machine got jammed. Your pictures won’t be ready today.”
“But I really need them soon—when do you expect them?” asked a very distressed Snow White.
“Don’t worry,” the clerk said with a smile. “Someday your prints will come.”
What does Ariel like on her toast?
Mermalade.
Skipper was always bragging to his boss, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.” One day, tired of Skipper’s boasting, his boss calls his bluff. “Okay, Skipper, how about Tom Cruise?”
“Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Skipper and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, “Skipper! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!”
Although impressed, Skipper’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Skipper that he thinks it was just lucky that Skipper knew Cruise.
“Go ahead, name anyone else,” Skipper says.
“The president of the United States,” his boss quickly replies.
“Yes,” Skipper says, “I know him. Let’s fly out to Washington.” And off they go. As they tour the White House, the president spots Skipper and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Skipper, what a surprise! I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.” Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Skipper, who again tells him to name anyone else.
“The Pope,” his boss suggests.
“Sure!” says Skipper. “My family is very religious, and I’ve known the Pope a long time.” So off they fly to Rome. Skipper and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Skipper says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what—I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Skipper emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But when Skipper returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss’s side, Skipper asks him, “What happened?”
His boss looks up and says, “I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, ‘Who’s that on the balcony with Skipper?’”
A car was traveling down the road at 90 miles per hour when it passed a police officer. After pulling the car over, he called the station to report a speeding car with a VIP inside it. The chief asked, “Who’s in the car, the mayor?”
The officer told him, “No, someone more important than the mayor.”
Then the chief asked, “Is it the governor?”
The officer answered, “No, someone more important than the governor.”
The chief finally asked, “Is it the president?”
The officer answered once again, “No, someone even more important than the president.”
This made the chief very curious, so he asked, “Now who is more important than the president?”
“I’m not really sure, chief,” the officer replied. “But he must be important because he has the Pope as his chauffeur.”
What stands in New York, holds a torch, and sneezes a lot?
The Ah-Choo of Liberty.
What kind of car does Luke Skywalker drive?
A To-yoda.
What did Michael Jackson say to bullies?
“Beat it.”
What do you call a little blue man who lives on the West Coast?
Papa Surf.
What do you call a gorilla with a green thumb?
Hairy Potter.
How did Minnie Mouse save Mickey from drowning?
She gave him mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.
How do you make a Rolling Stone?
Push a rock down a hill.
What did the Lone Ranger say after he was thrown from his horse?
“I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup.”
Bill Gates, Michael Jordan, the Dalai Lama, and a delivery man were all traveling together on a plane. Suddenly, they found themselves in a terrible storm. After several minutes of turbulence, the pilot went running back to them and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. “There are only four parachutes, so one of us will be left out,” he announced. “Since I’m the pilot, I get one!” Before anyone could argue, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.
“I’m the world’s greatest athlete,” proclaimed Michael Jordan. “The world needs great athletes, so I must live.” He then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.
“I’m the smartest man in the wor
ld,” bragged Bill Gates. “The world needs smart men, so I must also live!” He grabbed the third parachute and jumped out of the plane.
At this point, the Dalai Lama began to speak. “I have lived a long life compared to you, so you must take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane.”
“You don’t have to!” said the delivery man. “The world’s smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack.”
What do you call a breakfast sandwich with mussels?
The Arnold Shellfish ’n’ egger.
What do you get when you cross a puppet who lives in a garbage can with a kangaroo?
Oscar the Pouch.
What do you call a super pig who can climb up the side of buildings?
Spiderham.
Would Little Miss Muffet share her curds?
No whey.
What would you get if you crossed a great hockey player with a Sea-Doo?
Wayne Jet-Ski.
What did Huey, Dewey, and Louie say when something was falling on their uncle’s head?
“Donald—duck!”
Where did the Arabian knights live?
In sand castles.
What do you get when you cross a serial killer with a pair of jeans?
Jack the Zipper.
BEHIND THE PUNCH LINE:
Teaming Up
Comedians often work in teams. One comedian will be the straight man while the other one jokes around. The straight man is the one who sets up the joke, while his or her partner sends back dopey answers or quips. George Burns and Gracie Allen, Laurel and Hardy, Martin and Lewis, and Abbott and Costello are famous for this type of team comedy.
What is Homer Simpson’s favorite ice cream?
Chocolate chip cookie d’oh.
What’s green and sings?
Elvis Parsley.
How do you know Dorothy was a good actress?
She brought the house down.
Why couldn’t the Tin Man join in the card game?
They were playing Hearts.
What did Dorothy do when her dog got stuck?
She called a Toto truck.
Who’s a lamb’s favorite superhero?
B-a-a-atman.
What were Batman and Robin called after they got run over?
Flatman and Ribbon.
Grumpy, Sleepy, and Dopey were on their lunch break at the diamond mine. Grumpy picked up his lunch box and said, “I really hate peanut butter and liverwurst sandwiches. If I have to eat one more peanut butter and liverwurst sandwich, I’m going to run screaming into the woods.” And Sleepy said, “I know what you mean. Every day I open my lunch box and it’s the same old thing: salami and ketchup. I’m so tired of salami and ketchup sandwiches. If I have one again today, I’m going to go jump in the river.” And Dopey said, “Gee, I have a broccoli and mustard sandwich every day. If that’s what’s in my lunch today, I’ll run straight up that hill and stay there.” So all three dwarfs carefully opened their lunch boxes and discovered the same thing they ate every day. Grumpy flipped out and ran screaming into the woods, Sleepy jumped in the river, and Dopey ran off up the hill. That evening, the other four dwarfs told Snow White what had happened at lunchtime. “Grumpy and Sleepy always whine about the lunches I make for them, but I don’t understand what got into Dopey,” said a puzzled Snow White. “He makes his own lunch!”
What do you call a famous pirate who always skips school?
Captain Hooky.
What did the chicken say to Arnold Schwarzenegger?
“I’ll be bock … bock, bock.”
SPOTLIGHT
Gilligan’s Island
What do you get when you take a cruise ship, seven passengers, and a terrible storm that shipwrecks them on a deserted island? Gilligan’s Island, the hit sitcom that ran from 1964 to 1967. The bumbling but well-meaning Gilligan, the ship’s grumpy Skipper, a millionaire couple, a movie star named Ginger, the wise Professor, and a farm girl called Mary Ann are seven castaways who live an island lifestyle so hilarious that you’ll want to be stranded with them! Tune in to a rerun, or to one of the two cartoons or three TV-movie spinoffs to find out if they ever manage to escape the island…
Why was Cinderella thrown off the baseball team?
She kept running away from the ball.
What do you get when you cross Cinderella with a barber?
Glass clippers.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with Cinderella?
A hare ball.
What Greek king was purple and conquered the ancient world?
Alexander the Grape.
Who’s young and perky and attacks sports officials?
Buffy the Umpire Slayer.
SPOTLIGHT
The Three Stooges
The Three Stooges were the ultimate slapstick comedians. Just picture three big men trying to fit through a tiny door all at once, and you’ll have a good mental image of the Stooges.
The Howard brothers, Moses (Moe), Shemp, and Larry Fine were the original Stooges. They performed in vaudeville shows during the 1920s and 1930s before becoming movie stars. Jerome Howard (Curly) replaced Shemp in 1932. Actor Ted Healy, who played their straight man in films for many years, explained the concept behind the name. “A stooge is a guess-man. You can never guess what he’s going to do next.” The Three Stooges were great because they were so unpredictable. Even their classic poke-in-the-eye, slap-in-the-face, punch-in-the-belly routine had funny variations and consequences.
Goldilocks was walking along one sunny afternoon when she found a beautiful house in the woods. The door was open, so she walked right in. There she found a table set with three bowls of steaming porridge. “Hello?” she called out, but no one was home. She tried the first bowl, but it was too hot. She tried the second bowl, but it was too cold. Then she tried the third bowl, and it was just right. “Wow,” she said, once she had finished the meal. “Now I’m feeling very sleepy.” So she wandered around looking for a bed. She couldn’t find one anywhere on the bottom floor. Finally, she found a staircase at one end of the house. She climbed up the steps and went into the first room. There was a great big bed in the middle of the room, so Goldilocks jumped right in. “Yikes!” she exclaimed. “This one’s too hard!” She wandered into the next room. There she found another bed, and hopped right in it. But it was too soft. By this time, Goldilocks was very tired. She went into the third room, and yelled out in surprise. There were three pink pigs cowering in the corner of the room. “Wait a second,” she said. “You guys are in the wrong fairy tale.”
“No, we’re not,” answered one of the pigs. “Don’t you know this is a two-story house?”
What do Tarzan and Jane sing at Christmastime?
Jungle Bells.
What do you get when you cross Darth Vader’s son with a hamburger?
The Luke Skywhopper.
SPOTLIGHT
The Kid
One of Charlie Chaplin’s most famous movies, The Kid (1921), was the first full-length movie he wrote, produced, and directed. In the silent film, Chaplin’s famous Tramp character raises an abandoned baby he finds in a garbage can. Chaplin and the boy are perfect together, plotting tricks against unsuspecting people. Eventually, the child is reunited with his mother. When the movie first came out, it was wildly successful and became the second-highest-grossing movie of the year.
What is Grumpy’s favorite fruit?
Sour grapes.
What is Snow White’s brother’s name?
Egg White. And that’s no yoke!
What folk hero walked through the Midwest two hundred years ago, stomping on apples?
Johnny Applesauce.
What’s Moby Dick’s favorite dinner?
Fish ’n’ ships.
What do you call a Roman emperor when he catches a cold?
Julius Sneezer.
SPOTLIGHT
Will Ferrell
Will Ferrell became interested in comedy in high school, where he volunteered on the daily
public address and gave morning announcements in silly disguised voices. That’s when he first realized that he loved to make people laugh.
Unlike many funny performers, Ferrell does not have a background in stand-up comedy. Originally, he wanted to become a sports broadcaster. He even received a degree in sports broadcasting from the University of Southern California. When a joke he made on-air in one of his classes drew laughter, Ferrell decided to make the dive into full-time acting.
He became involved in improvisational comedy, where performers talk and act spontaneously, usually in response to what an audience member suggests. His career began to fly when he was picked up by Saturday Night Live, the long-running, sketch comedy show.
On SNL, Ferrell’s genius was his ability to portray honest characters in absurd situations. He imitated everyone from presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush to Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek. Some of the best characters he played were the ones he created himself! In those roles he was well known as Craig Buchanan, a super enthusiastic cheerleader, and Marty Culp, a middle school music teacher who played educational medleys to the tune of pop music.
After SNL, Ferrell made an easy transition to film. His first role in a blockbuster movie came in 2001’s Zoolander, where he played a fiendish fashion designer. He followed this with starring roles in Elf (2003), as a human raised by elves at the North Pole; Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004), as a self-obsessed newscaster; and Kicking and Screaming (2005), as a vengeful soccer dad.
You’d never guess it, but in spite of the wacky nature of many of his characters, Ferrell claims to be quite shy in person.
SOUNDING A FUNNY NOTE
Bust a Gut in the Band Room
What kind of music do they play at Stonehenge?
Hard rock.
What kind of music do they play at a playground?
Swing.
What kind of music do they play at a soft-drink factory?
Pop.
What kind of music do they play at a construction site?