by Eva Blank
Heavy metal.
What kind of music do they play at a nacho factory?
Salsa.
What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Rap.
How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, two … one, two, three, four!
How many country musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: One to change the bulb, and four to sing about how much they’ll miss the old one.
How many folk musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Forty: One to change the bulb, and thirty-nine to complain that it’s electric.
What happens when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A minor B-flat.
What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A major B-flat.
Why didn’t the opera singer get a job on the cruise ship?
Because she was afraid of the high Cs.
PRACTICAL JOKES
Beginner Version
Use superglue to attach a quarter to the sidewalk. Watch people try to pick it up. Warning: don’t try this on a busy sidewalk or street.
Advanced Version
Attach a dollar to a long piece of fishing line. Pull it along a sidewalk and watch people try to grab it. If someone comes close, jerk the fishing line and pull it out of his or her reach while you hide.
One night a woman is walking through a graveyard in Vienna when all of a sudden she hears music. No one is around, so she starts looking to see where it’s coming from. She finally finds the source and notices it’s coming from a grave with a headstone that reads “Ludwig van Beethoven.”
She then realizes that the music is one of Beethoven’s famous symphonies, but that it is being played backward. Puzzled, she leaves the graveyard and convinces a friend to return with her. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is a different Beethoven symphony, but the music is still being played backward.
Curious, the ladies agree to consult a classical music expert. When they return with the expert, yet another Beethoven symphony is playing, and the expert agrees that the symphonies are truly being played backward.
By the next day word has spread and a huge group gathers around the grave to hear the symphonies being played backward. Just then the graveyard’s caretaker comes up to the crowd. Someone in the group asks him if there is an explanation for the music.
“Oh, it’s nothing to worry about,” says the caretaker. “Beethoven is just decomposing.”
When is a tire a bad singer?
When it’s flat.
Why was Mozart mad at his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”
Why is Homer Simpson bad at singing scales?
He always gets stuck at “Doh!”
What did the drummer say when his band teacher told him he had no rhythm?
“That’s because I’m beat.”
How do you catch a percussionist who’s on the run?
Use a snare drum.
Why did the boy stop practicing the violin at Christmas?
Because his mother asked for peace on earth.
What’s the world’s oldest rock group?
The Rolling Flintstones.
Why did the Beatles break up?
They started to bug each other.
SPOTLIGHT
The Simpsons
Who would guess that a family of five yellow, bug-eyed, four-fingered people with bad overbites and weird hairdos would ever see the light of day on television—much less keep a show going for over 20 years?
Guess again. The Simpson family—parents Homer and Marge and kids Bart, Lisa, and Maggie—are the stars of The Simpsons, a cartoon show that has made history. Created by a cartoonist named Matt Groening, the show is both wickedly funny and very intelligent, appealing to kids and adults alike. Groening has said that keeping the jokes fresh is one of the biggest challenges to keeping a show like The Simpsons alive for so long, so he makes sure he always inserts what he calls “freeze-frame gags,” which are jokes that require you to watch the show again in freeze-frame motion in order to catch them. Funny guest stars who lend their distinctive voices to the show are another way to keep it fresh. Good writing is the secret to good comedy, and The Simpsons is no exception. A crack team of writers ensures that viewers will keep coming back to watch Bart write new messages on his chalkboard and see what happens when the family files in to sit on the couch. The Simpsons was made into a movie in 2007, has won more than 25 Primetime Emmy Awards, has been listed by TV Guide as one of the “50 Greatest TV Shows of All Time,” and was also awarded a star on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame. Quirkiness and an ability to keep the jokes coming—these are two signs of greatness in comic television.
Two boys were camping in the backyard. Late at night they started wondering what time it was. “Start singing really loudly,” one of them suggested.
“How will that help?” asked the other boy.
“Just do it,” insisted the first.
They both started singing as loudly as they could. Moments later, a neighbor threw open her window and shouted, “Keep it down! Don’t you know it’s three o’clock in the morning?”
What do you get when a rhinoceros steps on your record?
A smashed hit.
What do you get when you cross a bunch of monkeys with an orchestra?
A chimp-phony.
Why did the trombone player fall behind in his work?
Because he kept letting things slide.
Why did the piano become a locksmith?
It had lots of keys.
What kind of music do balloons hate?
Pop.
What happened to the house built of cymbals?
The whole thing came crashing down.
THE MAKING OF A COMEDIAN
Step 5: Sequencing and the “Play Frame”
Telling a joke can produce a chuckle, but tell two or three jokes in the proper sequence and you can have your audience rolling on the floor. The classic joke sequence is the “Why did the chicken cross the road?” series, where the punch line or question varies slightly with each telling. This method works really well for two reasons: first, your listener is already warmed up, and wants to keep laughing; second, you’re playing off an expectation. The audience expects to hear the classic joke, but instead gets a new, alternate joke. This makes the joke twice as funny. It’s like a clown hitting someone in the face with a pie, and then his victim asking for ice cream on the side.
When you’ve been telling jokes and your giddy friends are laughing, it’s easy to keep them going; in psychology, this state is referred to as a “play frame.” A play frame is a situation that makes people expect everything to be funny. For instance, if you’re watching a sitcom like Friends, or reading a joke book, you expect funny things! You’re more prepared to laugh than when you’re watching the news. This is one reason why “Top Ten” lists work so well: the list is a series of ten jokes, and you’re looking forward to laughing at all of them.
Why did the sheet music run away from the singer?
She kept hitting all the notes.
Why did the mandolin go to the psychiatrist?
It was tired of being high-strung.
Can you can a piano?
No, but you can tuna fish.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
What do you call a keyboard with good morals?
An upright piano.
What kind of music do long-distance truckers listen to?
Cross-country music.
Why couldn’t the concertgoer get her money back when the singer was off-key?
Because she paid the flat rate.
The Name Game
What do you call a man in debt?
Owen.
What do you call an adventurous man?
Darin.
What do you call a man who likes loud music?
What do you call a man who rolls in leaves?
Russell.
What do you call a man in the middle of a bull ring?
Gord.
What do you call a man with three eyes?
Seymore.
What do you call a man who owes money?
Bill.
A mangy-looking guy goes into a diner and orders a cup of coffee. The waitress says, “No way. I don’t think you can pay for it.”
The guy says, “You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me a cup?”
The waitress says, “Only if what you show me isn’t gross.”
“Deal!” says the guy, and he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the counter and it runs across the room and up the piano in the corner, jumps on the keyboard, and starts playing. And the hamster is really good.
The waitress says, “You’re right. I’ve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.” The guy drinks the coffee and asks for another.
“Money or another miracle, or else no coffee,” says the waitress.
The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the counter, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. He’s a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the counter rushes over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says, “It’s a deal.” He takes the money and gives the frog to the stranger.
The stranger runs out of the diner.
The waitress says to the guy, “Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must be worth millions. You must be crazy.”
“Not so,” says the guy. “The hamster is also a ventriloquist.”
Why did the drummer bring a chicken to band practice?
He needed new drumsticks.
ATHLETIC ANTICS
Really Sock It to ’Em in the Gym
What’s a good place to take your golf clubs after the game?
A tee party.
Why do pro baseball players spin around a lot?
To get ready for the whirl series.
What’s the best thing to drink during a marathon?
Running water.
Are baseball umpires good eaters?
Yes—they always clean their plates.
What did the baseball glove say to the baseball?
“Catch you later.”
Why are most baseball games played at night?
Because bats sleep during the day.
How can you tell the difference between a judge and a skating rink?
One is the bringer of justice; the other is just ice.
What position does a pig play in football?
Swinebacker.
SALESPERSON: Try this new bandage. You can swim, water-ski, snorkel, or scuba dive with it on!
INJURED CUSTOMER: That’s great! I couldn’t do any of those things before I hurt myself!
A man and his friend are playing golf at the local golf course one day. The first man is about to putt when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He suddenly stops mid-putt, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in prayer.
His friend looks at him bewildered and says, “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies, “Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years.”
Why did the rubber band go to the baseball game?
It wanted to enjoy the seventh-inning stretch.
Why don’t eggs make good quarterbacks?
When their defense cracks, they’re too quick to scramble.
Why do basketball players stay home during the off-season?
They aren’t allowed to travel.
What do you get when you cross a basketball team with cinnamon crullers?
Dunkin’ donuts.
How is a basketball player like a baby?
They both dribble!
What has four wheels and grows on a vine?
A skategourd.
Why do scientists love baseball?
They love looking at slides.
Why are tennis games so loud?
Because the players raise a racquet.
When do ballplayers get emotional?
When they choke up on the bat.
Helpful Hints
To help you speed up your morning routine, try the following time-saving tips:
Smear food on your face before bed. When you wake up, lick it off—better than a breakfast bar!
Keep your clothes in the car and get dressed on the way to school.
Shower? Who needs it? Just ask your parents to drive through a car wash with the windows down. But be warned—that big whirling brush really tickles!
Why did the baseball player take her bat to the library?
Her teacher told her to hit the books.
What’s black and white and never right?
A hockey referee.
What kind of player gives refunds?
A quarterback!
Why did the athlete take up bowling?
She thought it would be up her alley.
Jimmy and Timmy were playing baseball in their backyard. Jimmy threw a pitch and Timmy connected, hitting the ball over the fence.
After seeing this, Jimmy said, “It’s a run home.”
“You mean a home run,” replied Timmy.
“No, I mean a run home,” Jimmy insisted. “You hit the ball through the neighbor’s window.”
Why couldn’t anyone find the deck of cards?
They got lost in the shuffle.
What game do tornadoes like to play?
Twister.
SPOTLIGHT
SpongeBob SquarePants
Stephen Hillenburg, marine-biologist-turned-animator, combined his love of underwater creatures and cartoons to create the frenzy of nautical nonsense that is the SpongeBob SquarePants cartoon sitcom.
The show’s protagonist is a yellow kitchen sponge. SpongeBob SquarePants lives underwater in a two-story pineapple house in Bikini Bottom with his meowing pet snail, Gary. He works as a fry cook at the Krusty Krab fast-food joint. Whether he’s bumbling through adventures with his starfish best friend, Patrick, or dodging the pompous Squidward Tentacles, SpongeBob’s friendly character always saves the day.
SpongeBob SquarePants appeals to almost everyone, thanks to the humanlike behavior of the Bikini Bottom dwellers. Instead of cars, characters drive boats that have wheels. In fact, Bikini Bottom is like any town … only it’s under water!
SpongeBob was so popular that Nickelodeon made it into a feature-length film. In the SpongeBob SquarePants Movie (2004), the crown of Bikini Bottom’s king is stolen. It looks like Mr. Krab, SpongeBob’s boss, committed the crime. SpongeBob and Patrick set out to rescue the king and keep him from losing everything, including his life.
SpongeBob cartoons are filled with fun details to watch for. Squidward often makes references to 11 minutes, a nod to the total length of each episode. And in almost every show, someone exclaims, “My leg!” SpongeBob SquarePants is so popular because it appeals to kids as well as their parents—the undersea escapades are packed with maximum silliness and genuine optimism.
CALENDAR CUTUPS
It’s that time of the year again: Will February March?
No, but April May.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.
What is a bug’s favorite sport?
Cricket.
What’s the difference between a soccer player and a dog?
The soccer player wears a whole uniform, the dog just pants.
Why don’t matches play baseball?
One strike and they’re out.
What do baseball players give their fiancées?
Diamonds.
What do you get when you cro
ss a baseball pitcher with a carpet?
A throw rug.
Where do hair colorists sit when they go to baseball games?
In the bleachers.
Why is it a good idea to have a frog on your baseball team?
They’re good at catching pop flies.
Why did the pitcher bring an old pocket watch to his games?
So he could wind up before throwing the ball.
What do you get when you cross a baseball player with a monster?
A double-header.
Why did the batter tear off his clothes after he hit a home run?
He wanted his team to have a winning streak.
Do old bikers ever die?
No, they just get recycled.
Why is it so windy at sporting events?
Because of all the fans.
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of socks to the tournament?
In case she got a hole in one.
What do you get when you cross a library with a golfer?
Book clubs.
Why was the prizefighter fired from his job?
He was always punching out early.
What do you get when you cross a Chevy with a golf club?
A backseat driver.
Why are a golfer’s pants never wrinkled?
Because golfers use nine-irons.
How did the trampolinist beat the prizefighter?
Every time she was knocked down, she bounced right back.
Why did the fight fans keep getting punched?
Because they were sitting in the box seats!
Why does it take longer to run from second base to third base than it does from first to second?
Because there’s a shortstop between second and third.
What is a boxer’s favorite drink?
Fruit punch.
How do gymnasts feel during a routine?
Head over heels.
BEHIND THE PUNCH LINE:
One-Person Shows
A one-person show is, as its name suggests, a comedy show VI performed by only one actor. Such shows are usually done either as a monologue or as a series of skits. A monologue is a long comic piece that is spoken without breaks. Skits are shorter pieces, performed with breaks in between. An actor who is skilled at impersonation or wishes to portray several different characters as part of her show will often use skits. Actors looking for a more dramatic presentation will go for the monologue.