by Eva Blank
Why did the stagehand quit her job?
She wanted a change of scenery.
Why did everyone find the baker funny?
He had a rye sense of humor.
While walking home from work a businessman comes across an old lamp. He gently rubs it and out pops a genie. The genie then informs the man that he may have one wish. The man is incredibly grateful and says, “This is perfect timing. I have a really important presentation to give to the CEO of my company in a couple of days and need it to go smoothly.”
“Very well,” says the genie. “All you have to do before the presentation is say ‘one-two-three’ and you’ll give the best presentation of your life. However, do not say ‘one-two-three-four,’ as this will cause you to freeze up and make a fool of yourself. Understand?” The man says he does and continues on his way home.
At home he does what the genie said and tries the presentation and it goes perfectly. He tries it at work the next day and his colleagues give him a standing ovation.
The day of the presentation comes and everything’s ready. The CEO signals him to start and he whispers under his breath, “one-two-three.”
Then the CEO asks, “What did you say ‘one-two-three’ for?”
Why did the tailor go to the farm?
So he could sew some oats.
What do farmers plant in their sofas?
Couch potatoes.
When are farmers mean?
When they pull the ears off corn!
A woman is interviewing for a job. The interviewer says, “In this job we need someone who is responsible.”
“That’s great! I’m definitely the one you want,” the woman replies. “At my last job every time something went wrong, they said I was responsible.”
How do you learn to be a judge?
Mostly through trial and error.
Why was the firefighter lovesick?
She couldn’t get over an old flame.
A sailor met a pirate, and they started to talk about their adventures at sea. The sailor noticed that the pirate had a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The sailor asked, “So, how did you end up with the peg leg?”
The pirate replied, “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”
“Wow!” exclaimed the sailor. “How did you get that hook?”
“Well,” replied the pirate, “we boarded an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of them cut off my hand.”
“Incredible!” remarked the sailor. “How did you get the eye patch?”
“A seagull dropping fell into my eye,” replied the pirate.
“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the sailor asked in surprise.
“Well,” said the pirate, “it was my first day with the hook.”
What kind of trains do ballerinas take?
Tutu trains.
What did the fisherman say to the magician?
“Pick a cod, any cod.”
A cowboy traveled from Arizona to Texas on Tuesday, stayed for five days and five nights, and traveled back to Arizona on Tuesday. How was that possible?
His horse was named Tuesday.
Why are perfume salespeople so smart?
They have good scents.
What’s the Man of Steel’s household chore?
Supper, man.
What did the milkmaid say to the anxious butter?
“You’ll have to wait your churn.”
Does a roller coaster like its work?
It has its ups and downs.
The groundskeeper at a park heard a commotion in the lake. He saw a man thrashing around in the water, and said to him, “Hey, don’t you know there’s no swimming allowed here?”
“I’m drowning!” screamed the man, trying to keep his head above water.
“Oh well, I guess that’s allowed,” said the groundskeeper.
PASSENGER: How much to take me to the airport?
CAB DRIVER: Ten dollars, sir.
PASSENGER: And how much for my suitcase?
CAB DRIVER: No charge for the suitcase, sir.
PASSENGER: Okay. Take the case and I’ll walk.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Would you like dinner, sir?
PASSENGER: What are my choices?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Yes or no.
Why do firefighters slide down a pole in the firehouse?
Because it’s too hard to slide up.
Why do the firemen wear red suspenders?
To keep their pants up.
What did the owner of the coffee shop give to her new employees?
A list of do’s and donuts.
Julio’s sister asked him what he thought about his job at the plant.
“Well, it’s growing on me,” said Julio.
DOC-DOC JOKES
You Need a Lot of Patients for This Chapter!
PATIENT: Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains…
DOCTOR: Then pull yourself together!
NURSE: Doctor, there is an invisible man in the waiting room.
DOCTOR: Tell him I can’t see him.
PATIENT: Doctor, I need help. I can never remember what I just said.
DOCTOR: When did you first notice this problem?
PATIENT: Notice what problem?
PATIENT: If the doctor can’t see me now, I’m leaving.
NURSE: Calm down. What’s wrong with you?
PATIENT: I have a serious wait problem.
A leopard went to see an eye doctor because he thought he needed a checkup. “What’s wrong?” asked the doctor.
“Well, doctor,” said the leopard, “every time I look at my wife, I see spots before my eyes.”
“What’s wrong with that?” asked the doctor. “You are a leopard.”
“What’s that got to do with anything?” asked the leopard. “My wife’s a zebra.”
SON: Father, can I ask you a question?
FATHER: Of course.
SON: When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?
FATHER: Uh … Ask your mother!
A doctor answers a phone call late one evening and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. “We need a fourth player for poker,” says his friend.
“I’ll be right over,” says the doctor.
As he is putting on his coat his wife asks, “Where are you going at this hour?”
“I’m sorry, dear,” he replies, “but I have an emergency call.”
“Is it serious?” asks his wife.
“Oh yes, very serious,” replies the doctor gravely. “In fact, there are three doctors there already!”
A man is sitting at home one evening when the doorbell rings. He answers the door to find a six-foot-tall cockroach standing there. The cockroach immediately punches him between the eyes and runs off. The next evening, the man is sitting at home again when the doorbell rings. He answers the door, and the same cockroach is outside. This time, it punches him, kicks him, and karate-chops him before running away. The injured man manages to crawl to the phone and call an ambulance. He is rushed to the hospital where the doctors save his life. The next morning, a doctor asks him what happened. The man explains the attacks by the six-foot-tall cockroach. The doctor thinks for a moment and says, “Yes, I hear there’s a nasty bug going around.”
Why did the clown go to the doctor?
He was feeling a little funny.
When do doctors get angry?
When they run out of patients!
Alice said she wasn’t feeling well. “You’d better call me a doctor,” she said to her friend. Her friend protested, “But I’d rather call you Alice.”
What did one elevator say to the other?
I think I’m coming down with something!
PATIENT: Doctor, doctor! You’ve got
to help me! My hands won’t stop shaking!
DOCTOR: Do you drink a lot of coffee?
PATIENT: Not really, I spill most of it!
DOCTOR: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
PATIENT: Okay, give me the bad news first.
DOCTOR: You have 24 hours to live.
PATIENT: Only 24 hours?? That’s awful! What could be worse??
DOCTOR: I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.
PATIENT: Doctor, doctor! You’ve got to help me! Some mornings I wake up and think I’m Donald Duck. Other mornings I think I’m Mickey Mouse.
DOCTOR: Hmm, how long have you been having these Disney spells?
A woman went to her psychiatrist and said, “Doctor, I want to talk to you about my husband. He thinks he’s a refrigerator.”
“That’s not so bad,” said the doctor. “It’s a rather harmless problem.”
“Well, maybe,” replied the lady. “But he sleeps with his mouth open and the light keeps me awake.”
SPOTLIGHT
Dr. Seuss
Theodor Geisel was one of the most famous authors ever. Millions of copies of his 40 books, translated into 20 languages, still fill bookshelves all over the world. Chances are, you can recite a passage from a Theodor Geisel book yourself.
You say you have no idea who we’re talking about? That’s because Theodor Geisel wrote most of his books under a different name (his middle name)—as Dr. Seuss! He added “Dr.” because his father always wanted him to become a doctor.
Dr. Seuss’s real passion was for creating stories and drawing pictures to go with them. His silly rhymes and goofy illustrations made his work extremely popular with kids and adults alike. Dr. Seuss wrote his first book after reading an article about how boring kids’ books were.
Over the course of his long career, Dr. Seuss wrote and illustrated dozens of books, including The Cat in the Hat, One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish, and Horton Hears a Who. His books are not complicated. Once, a book publisher bet him he could not write a book using only 50 words—and he did: Green Eggs and ‘ Ham. The publisher never paid him! He could only draw one human face, so all of his characters look alike but wear different clothes.
Many of his books have been adapted to the big screen: How the Grinch Stole Christmas was made into a cartoon film, as well as a live-action movie starring Jim Carrey in 2000. Mike Myers starred in 2003’s The Cat in the Hat; Jim Carrey and Steve Carell lent their voices to 2008’s Horton Hears a Who; and Zac Efron and Taylor Swift voice the main characters in 2012’s The Lorax. There’s even Seussical, a Seuss-inspired Broadway musical!
So even though he didn’t become a doctor, we should all be glad that Dr. Seuss found his real calling in life—and laughter truly is the best medicine.
A woman went to the doctor complaining of pain. The doctor asked her where it hurt. She replied, “Doctor, everywhere I touch hurts!” The woman touched her shoulder with her finger. “Ouch. That hurts.” She took her finger and touched her knee. “Ow, that hurts, too.” She then touched her forehead with her finger. “Ouch, it hurts there, too!” She looked at the doctor and asked, “What could it be, doctor?”
The doctor replied, “I know what’s wrong with you.”
“You do?” replied the woman.
“Yes,” said the doctor. “You have a broken finger.”
A woman called a psychiatrist and said, “Doctor, my brother thinks he’s the Easter Bunny.”
“How long has this been going on?” asked the doctor.
“A few years,” said the woman.
“Goodness, my dear lady! Why didn’t you tell anyone sooner?” asked the doctor.
“Because we needed the eggs.”
Why did the doctor go to work for the phone company?
He wanted to be an operator.
A psychiatrist tells her patient, “I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is you’ve got a split personality.”
“Are you kidding me?” says the patient. “That’s the good news? What’s the bad?”
The psychiatrist says, “I’m going to have to bill you twice.”
A dermatologist says to her patient, “Look, I have a diagnosis for you: You’ve got tropical toe rash.”
The patient says, “Well, I want a second opinion.”
“Okay,” says the dermatologist. “You’re ugly, too.”
A woman goes to her doctor with some concerns about her memory. She tells him that she forgets to pay bills, mail letters, and get groceries, and she can’t remember where she’s going or what she needs when she gets there. She looks quite worried and asks her doctor, “What can I do?”
The doctor replies, “Pay me in advance.”
Seven days showed up in the doctor’s office.
“What are you doing here?” he asked them.
“Well,” they replied, “we’re feeling week.”
SPOTLIGHT
iCarly
Have you ever thought it would be fun to be on TV or host your own show? iCarly shows you just how fun it can be! The series, which began in 2007, follows a girl named Carly Shay (Miranda Cosgrove) and her best friends, Sam and Freddie, as they host their own web show. It all started when, without their knowledge, Freddie filmed Carly and Sam during a school talent show audition and put it online. When the audience demands more, iCarly is born. The show, filmed in Carly’s loft, is typically full of randomness, craziness, and just pure fun.
THE MAKING OF A COMEDIAN
Step 6: Embellishing
M any of you have probably already mastered this one. Joke telling is just about the only time when lying is a good thing. Lying is allowed, and even necessary in comedy, because jokes are usually made up anyway. We all know that animals don’t really talk or drive cars in real life, but they definitely do in the world of comedy.
When you get really good at telling the jokes in this book, try adding stuff on to them. This is called embellishing. Add new characters or more pointless situations to I the really long and annoying stories in this book and make them even longer and more I annoying. In real life, liars embellish to make i their stories more believable. In the world of comedy, good joke tellers embellish to make i their jokes sillier, dumber, or funnier. Just remember: The more absurd the lies you tell, the funnier your jokes will be.
A patient went in to see the doctor, and the nurse asked her some questions.
“Name?” asked the nurse.
“Sandra Brown,” said the patient.
“Address?” asked the nurse.
“106 Main Street.”
“Flu?” asked the nurse.
“No, I walked. It’s just around the corner.”
A man walks into work with two bandages over his ears. His boss asks what happened. He replies, “I was ironing my shirt when the phone rang. I accidentally answered the iron.”
His boss considers this and then asks, “Well, that explains the one ear, but what happened to the other?”
The man replies, “I had to call the doctor!”
A little girl goes to her mom and says, “A boy in my class asked me to play doctor today.”
“Oh, dear,” the mother says nervously. “What did he have you do?”
“He had me wait over an hour and then told me all I need is rest.”
“Doc,” said the patient, “my stomach is real bad these days.” “Then send it to bed without supper,” said the doctor.
A patient went to the doctor and said, “Doctor, will you give me something for my leg?”
The doctor said, “Well, I don’t need it, but I can offer a dollar if you’re desperate.”
A doctor says to his patient, “Well, I’ve got good news and bad news. The bad news is, you’ve got a month to live.”
“What? That’s awful!” says the patient. “What’s the good news?”
The doctor says, “I just won the lottery!”
A patient says to his doctor, “I’ve thrown my back out again. What should I do?”
A patient goes to see his doctor and says, “Doctor, yesterday I spent all day photographing my nose, and today I can’t stop sneezing.”
The doctor scratches his chin and asks, “Did you get the pictures back yet?”
“Not yet,” says the patient. “Why?”
The doctor says, “Well, obviously, you’re developing a cold.”
A woman walks into a doctor’s office. She has a banana up her nose, a cucumber in her right ear, and a carrot in her left ear. “I don’t feel so good, doc,” she says. “What’s the matter with me?”
The doctor replies, “You’re not eating properly.”
SURGEON: Nurse, did you put the patient to sleep?
NURSE: Yeah, I just told her some of your jokes.
A terrified mother called 911. “Help me!” she said. “My son just swallowed a fork!”
The 911 operator told her not to worry and that he would send an ambulance over right away.
“What should I do until it arrives?” the mother asked him.
The operator said, “Use a spoon.”
“I’ve swallowed a clock!” yells a patient to his doctor. “Please help me, I feel tick to my stomach.”
BILL: I’ve been seeing fuzzy spots in front of my eyes for the past couple of days.
BOB: Did you see a doctor?
BILL: No, just the spots.
MIKE: My brother was sick and went to the doctor.
PAUL: Is he feeling better now?
MIKE: No, he has a broken leg.
PAUL: How did he break it?
MIKE: Well, the doctor gave him a prescription and told him no matter what happened, to follow that prescription. When he got home, the prescription blew out of the window.
PAUL: So how did he break his leg?
MIKE: He jumped out the window trying to follow the prescription.
Why did the pie crust go to the dentist?
It needed a filling.