by Eva Blank
(WARNING: This may be the wurst joke in this book.)
A patient says to his doctor, “I think my throat is wurst.” The doctor says to him, “Ahem—I think you mean ‘worse.’”
“No,” said the patient. “I mean wurst. Do you know how much it hurts to choke on a sausage?”
A nurse says to a recovering patient, “You’re a very lucky man. The doctor took a gallstone the size of a golf ball out of you.”
The patient says, “My goodness. I’d like to thank her. Is she around?”
The nurse says, “No, she thought she’d go golfing.”
A patient says to his doctor, “I think my tonsils need to be taken out.”
The doctor says, “I’ll make reservations. Would they prefer dinner or dancing?”
A man made an appointment to see a new optometrist. “Doctor,” the man says, “I think I’m suffering from poor eyesight.”
“Oh, don’t worry,” said the doctor. “I can just print your bill bigger.”
A patient goes in for surgery on her knee and asks the doctor, “Will I be able to sing?”
Slightly confused, the doctor replies, “The surgery will not affect your vocal cords whatsoever. So you will be able to sing perfectly.”
“That’s great!” said the patient. “I’ve always wanted to be able to sing.”
COPS AND RIBBERS
A Humorous Twist on the Beat of Life
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
CALLER: Send the fire department, quick! There’s a fire in my basement!
911 DISPATCHER: Did you throw water on it?
CALLER: Of course!
911 DISPATCHER: Well, there’s no use in their coming then—that’s all they ever do.
JUDGE: You look familiar… Have we met before?
DEFENDANT: Yes—I taught your daughter to play the drums, remember?
JUDGE: Life in prison for you!
BOY: What happened to the guy who stole your dog?
GIRL: He was charged with pet-ty theft.
DEFENDANT: Your Honor, I’m not guilty of robbery. I’m a locksmith.
JUDGE: Well, what were you doing at the scene of the crime when the police arrived?
DEFENDANT: Just making a bolt for the door!
POLICEMAN: Why did you hit that tree?
DRIVER: Don’t blame me! I honked at it but it wouldn’t move.
TRAFFIC OFFICER: Did you know this is a one-way street?
DRIVER: Of course—I’m only driving one way!
What do you get when you cross a policeman with an alarm clock?
A crime watch.
What happened to the robber who stole the lamp?
Oh, he got a very light sentence.
What do you call a court case about swimwear?
A bathing suit.
Why was the artist arrested for graffiti?
He had to draw the line somewhere.
How did the robber get caught at the art gallery?
He was framed.
Why did the cops arrest the baseball player?
They heard he had stolen third base.
How was the fish farm robbed?
By hook and by crook.
What do you call it when crooks go surfing?
A crime wave.
FIRST CONVICT: I heard the warden’s daughter married some guy from cell block D. The warden’s really upset about it.
SECOND CONVICT: Why? Because she married a con?
FIRST CONVICT: No. Because they eloped!
How did they catch the crooks at the pig farm?
Someone squealed.
Why didn’t the police arrest the runner?
She had a good track record.
Why did the police officers arrest the python after the accident?
It was a hiss and run.
Why did the police investigate the seafood restaurant?
They knew something fishy was going on.
Why did the cops show up at the amusement park?
They heard somebody was being taken for a ride.
A cop stops a man who was speeding and asks, “Did you see the speed limit?”
The man replies, “Yes, I just didn’t see you.”
The police were doing a suspect lineup and asked each man in the lineup to repeat the sentence “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot.”
The investigation ended a few seconds later when a man down the line screamed, “That’s not what I said!”
One night a police officer noticed a car that was traveling very slowly down the highway. When he pulled it over the driver asked, “What did I do wrong, officer?”
“You were going 26 miles per hour on a major highway. There is a law against that,” the officer replied. “You have to go at least 50 miles per hour.”
“But when I merged onto the highway, the sign said 26!” explained the driver.
The officer laughed and said, “That’s because 26 is the name of the highway, not the speed limit!”
The driver leaned back in her seat, baffled, and the officer noticed another woman, extremely pale, sitting beside her. “What happened to her?” asked the officer.
“I’m not sure, but she’s been like that ever since we got off of Highway 160.”
SPOTLIGHT
Diary of a Wimpy Kid
Jeff Kinney’s bestselling Diary of a Wimpy Kid books originally began as a web comic in 2004. Though Kinney originally didn’t intended to publish his story on the Internet, he realized that the opportunity to reach so many kids was too exciting a possibility to pass up. He posted new pieces of the story online in short installments every day, becoming more and more popular. Then in 2006 Kinney signed a multibook deal with a publisher, and in 2007 the Diary of a Wimpy Kid book series made its debut. It quickly became a New York Times bestseller, eventually reaching number 1.
There are seven books in the series so far, each following Greg Heffley and his struggles in middle school. Every book tackles new—and hilarious!—problems Greg must solve, including how to: use his best friend’s popularity to his advantage; steer clear of the talent show and keep his nosy brother from revealing his biggest secret; convince his parents NOT to send him to a military academy; get out of “family togetherness” time; deal with boy-girl parties, increased responsibilities, and the awkwardness of growing up; and convince the grown-ups that he really isn’t guilty of damaging school property (all while he’s stuck in a cabin with his family).
In 2010, Diary of a Wimpy Kid was made into a movie. It was followed by a sequel, Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules (2011), and the third installment, Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days (2012).
He might not know it, but with all this attention Greg Heffley might just be the most popular middle schooler around.
PRACTICAL JOKES
The Fruit Fake-Out: Convince your parents that their plants are growing fruit way out of season. Buy some beautiful, ripe pieces of fruit from the store and twist-tie them to the vines or branches.
The Face Trace: Mark the edge of a coin with soft pencil lead. Bet your friends that they can’t roll the coin down their face and keep touching it at all times. They will be so eager to prove you wrong that they won’t notice the line they have traced on their face.
The Spaghetti Sneeze: Help yourself to a small handful of plain cooked pasta. Hide it in your hand and pretend to sneeze just as you throw the gooey mass over your face or into someone’s lap.
Cereal Sneakers: Leave dry cereal in the toes of your friend’s shoes—add some crunch to someone’s step!
Goofy Paint Trick: Go to the paint store and ask if you can buy striped paint.
The traffic cop pulls over a driver who has been speeding and asks him, “Didn’t you see the speed limit signs posted on this road?”
“Why, officer,” said the driver, “I was going much too fast to read those tiny little signs.”
How did the mutt defend his crime?
He blamed it on bad breed
ing.
Why couldn’t the thunderclouds pull off the bank heist?
When the alarm went off, they all bolted.
Why was the comedian accused of assaulting her audience?
She gagged them and left them in stitches.
Why couldn’t the cops catch the wallpaper thief?
There was a big cover-up.
How come the police didn’t catch the woman who robbed the Laundromat?
She made a clean getaway.
A little old lady was speeding down the road while knitting. A cop caught up to her and, driving alongside her, shouted, “Pull over!”
“No,” the little old lady replied. “They’re mittens.”
How did the runaway barber escape from the police?
He knew all the short cuts.
What do you call it when someone crashes into a police officer?
A run-in with the law!
What did the zero say when asked if he had committed the crime?
“I did nothing!”
BEHIND THE PUNCH LINE:
Hecklers
Stand-up comedy isn’t always easy. Sometimes there are people in the audience called hecklers who don’t think the comedian is funny or who don’t think they’re being entertained. A heckler will yell an insult at the comic, interrupting the monologue. A good comedian won’t take the heckler seriously, and will yell something funny back, making everybody laugh. The best comedians will even get hecklers to laugh at themselves. The key is to stay cool—if you’ve rehearsed enough, then you won’t be nervous—and play along. Improvisation techniques can be very helpful in dealing with hecklers. Take what they say and turn it into something funny. Your audience will think you’re amazing!
How did the police know the blacksmith’s signature was a fake?
It was forged.
Why didn’t the police search for the missing rutabaga?
They knew it would turnip somewhere soon.
Why did the police raid the comic book store?
They were doing a strip search.
Why did the cops hang out at the coffee shop?
In case someone got mugged.
What do you get when you cross a SWAT team with an octopus?
A bomb squid.
What did the cops tell the mime when they arrested her?
“You still have the right to remain silent.”
Thanksgiving Funnies:
Why were the Pilgrims’ pants always falling down?
They wore their belts around their hats.
What did the police officer say when he caught the woman who had stolen the office equipment?
“Just give me the fax, ma’am.”
Why were the charges against the football team dropped?
They had a strong defense.
How did the police know the photographer was guilty?
They found his prints all over the scene of the crime.
Did Sheriff Pat Garrett shoot Billy the Kid in the end?
No, he shot him right through the heart.
Why did the cops plant catnip at the scene of the crime?
To catch a cat burglar.
JUDGE: Order in the court!
DEFENDANT: I’ll have a cheeseburger and fries, Your Honor.
JUDGE: I find you guilty and I’m giving you a choice: fifteen thousand dollars or six months in jail.
DEFENDANT: Your Honor, I’ll take the money!
POLICE OFFICER (putting handcuffs on a crook): If I were you, I’d get myself a good lawyer.
CROOK: Officer, if I could afford a good lawyer, I wouldn’t have tried to rob that bank.
A man walks into a convenience store with a gun and demands all the money in the cash register. After the cashier puts the money in a bag, the robber sees a bottle of whiskey that he wants on a shelf behind the counter. He tells the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refuses saying, “You need to be over 21 to buy alcohol.” The robber says he is, but the clerk still refuses to give the whiskey because he doesn’t believe him.
After proving that he is over 21, the cashier puts the whiskey in the bag and the robber runs from the store.
A few minutes later, the cashier calls the police and gives them the robber’s name and address. The officer who answered the phone asks, “How did you find out his name and address?”
“Simple,” the cashier replies. “When I told him I didn’t believe he was over 21, he gave me his ID to prove it.”
HOW MANY ELEPHANTS…
… Can You Fit in a Joke Book?
What happened to the elephant who had a nervous breakdown?
They had to give him trunquilizers.
Why do elephants have trunks?
Because they don’t have glove compartments.
Why are elephants banned from public swimming pools?
They always drop their trunks.
Why are elephants so wrinkly?
They’re too big to fit on the ironing board.
MAN: I’ll bet you $100 that I can lift an elephant with one hand.
WOMAN: Ha! You’re on!
MAN: Great! Go find me an elephant with one hand!
“Waiter!” yells a customer. “What’s this elephant doing in my bowl of alphabet soup?”
The waiter comes over and says, “I suppose he’s learning to read.”
What’s gray, has wings, and gives money to baby elephants?
The tusk fairy.
How do you know if there’s an elephant in front of you at the movies?
You can’t see the screen.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with an airplane?
A jumbo jet.
How do you capture an elephant?
Hide in the bushes and make peanut sounds.
What do you give an elephant with big feet?
Lots of room.
PRACTICAL JOKE
How to avoid going to bed:
• Wear plastic fangs and convince your parents that you’re a vampire.
• Explain that the country has recently gone on Daylight Super-Saving Time, so it’s actually only four o’clock in the afternoon. (Warning: This will work only in the summer!)
• Tell them that your science homework was to stay up and look for shooting stars, and that you’ll flunk if you don’t see at least one.
• Insist that you must stand guard all night in order to finally get that monster in your closet.
• Laugh and say, “I’m already in bed! You’re just dreaming that I’m still awake!”
• Explain that you are practicing for New Year’s Eve and have to stay up all night long.
A man was walking by a restaurant when he saw a sign in the window that read, “We will pay $100 to anyone who orders something we can’t make.” The man went inside and sat down, and when the waitress came over, he asked for an elephant sandwich. She dug in her apron, pulled out a roll of bills, and handed the man $100.
“What’s the matter?” he asked. “No elephants today?”
“Oh, we have elephants, all right,” she answered. “We’re just all out of the big buns.”
Why did the elephant paint himself red and white?
So he could hide in a can of Coca-Cola.
What should you do for an elephant with an upset stomach?
Stay as far away from her as possible.
What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?
Stuck.
What’s large, blue, and transparent on the outside?
An elephant stuck in a Ziploc bag.
What did the elephant say when he walked into the post office?
“Ouch.”
What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence?
Time to get a new fence.
What’s large, gray, and wears a trench coat?
An undercover elephant.
What’s the difference between an elephant and a cookie?
Have you ever tried dunking an elephant in milk?
Why was the vacationing
elephant so glum?
The airline lost his trunk.
Why do elephants have big trunks?
So they have somewhere to put the groceries when they go shopping.
What do you call an elephant on the run?
An earthquake.
SPOTLIGHT
Jason Segel
Jason Segel got his start on TV in the short-lived comedy-drama series Freaks and Geeks (1999–2000). Though the show lasted only one season, it was enough to get him noticed. After starring in another short-lived TV series, Undeclared (2001–2002), he finally found a long-term home in 2005 on the hit TV comedy series How I Met Your Mother. He plays Marshall Eriksen, an optimistic, environmentally conscious lawyer. The series is critically acclaimed, having won six Emmy Awards and the 2012 People’s Choice Award for Best TV Network Comedy.
Segel has also starred in numerous comedy films. His first appearance was in the 2007 blockbuster hit Knocked Up. He later went on to write and star in the hilarious hit Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008), in which Segel’s character, Peter, goes to Hawaii in order to get over his recent breakup with his famous girlfriend, Sarah Marshall. Unbeknownst to him, she is at the same resort with her new boyfriend. The movie proved him to be not only a great actor but also a talented writer.
After the success of Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Segel went on to star in another smash hit, I Love You, Man (2009), alongside Paul Rudd. The movie follows Peter (Rudd) in his attempt to find a male friend. He eventually meets Sydney (Segel), and the two form a very tight and hilarious “bromance.”
Segel went on to star in and write The Muppets (2011), the first Muppets movie in twelve years, and a huge box-office hit. Though he started his career out as a “freak,” he developed into a very talented actor and writer.
What is big and gray and protects you from the rain?
An umbrellephant.
What goes up slowly and down quickly?