Jokelopedia
Page 15
An elephant in an elevator.
What do you call an elephant wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want—he can’t hear you!
What do you get when you cross a parrot with an elephant?
An animal that repeats everything it remembers.
What’s the difference between a Tyrannosaurus rex and an elephant?
One dismembers; the other remembers.
What’s the difference between a skateboard and an elephant?
One has four wheels; the other doesn’t.
Where do you find an elephant?
Wherever you left her.
Why did the elephant leave the circus?
He was tired of working for peanuts.
Why don’t elephants like elephant jokes?
They think they’re Dumbo.
Where do elephants go to see art?
The peanut gallery.
What’s the difference between an elephant and a loaf of bread?
If you don’t know, then let’s hope no one ever sends you to the corner store to buy a loaf of bread!
Why did the elephant forget?
She didn’t renew her remembership.
What’s the world’s largest ant?
An eleph-ant.
What is big and gray and lost its glass slipper?
Cinderelephant.
What’s small and pink?
An elephant’s tutu.
What’s old, gray, and wrinkled?
A stale raisin pretending to be an elephant.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a ghost?
Wrinkled sheets.
How do you make an elephant laugh?
Tickle him.
THE MAKING OF A COMEDIAN
Step 7: Don’t Give It All Away!
Shhhh!
We didn’t just give these jokes away, did we? Well, neither should you. Never, ever blurt out a punch line before its time. You shouldn’t ask people if they’ve heard the joke before, because you might give yourself away in the process. A funny joke is like a well-planned surprise party—the bigger the surprise, the happier the party.
Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
Because it lost its balance.
So why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
It was stuck to the first one.
Then why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
It thought the other two were playing a game.
And why did the tree fall down?
It wanted to be an elephant.
What steps would you take if you were being chased by an elephant?
Very big, quick ones.
What should you do with an elephant in a cast?
Make sure she knows her lines.
What’s an elephant’s favorite card game?
Memory.
DAUGHTER: Why is a snail stronger than an elephant?
MOTHER: I don’t know. Why?
DAUGHTER: Because a snail can carry its own home, while an elephant can only carry its own trunk.
What’s large, gray, and goes up and down?
An elephant in an exercise class.
What’s large, gray, and hard to spot?
A stain-resistant elephant.
Why do elephants drive Volkswagens?
There’s room for four and the rest is trunk space.
How can you tell if there’s an elephant in your bag of Oreos?
Read the list of ingredients.
How do you know there’s an elephant in the bottom of your bunk bed?
Your nose touches the ceiling.
How do you stop an elephant from charging?
Take away his credit card!
Why are elephants known to hold grudges?
They can forgive, but they can’t forget.
How do you tell if there’s an elephant in your refrigerator?
There are footprints in the butter.
How can you tell when there are two elephants in your refrigerator?
You can hear them giggling.
How can you tell when there are three elephants in your refrigerator?
The door won’t close.
How can you tell when there are four elephants in your refrigerator?
The light is on and there’s a Volkswagen parked outside.
Why don’t elephants like computers?
They’re afraid of the mouse.
What do you call an elephant on a bike?
Wheelie dangerous.
Why did the elephant go running?
It wanted to jog its memory.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Gladys.
Gladys who?
Gladys you and not another elephant joke!
MONSTER-OSITIES
Ghouls, Goblins, and the Like
What do celebrity vampires receive?
Fang mail.
What do you get when alien teenagers invade shopping malls on Earth?
Clothes encounters of the third kind.
What should you do to keep a corpse from smelling?
Nothing, silly. Dead people can’t smell!
Where did the vampire open his savings account?
At the blood bank.
FIRST BOY: Why do you keep throwing garlic cloves out of your window?
SECOND BOY: To keep away the vampires.
FIRST BOY: But there are no vampires.
SECOND BOY: Then it must be working!
A young boy goes in for an operation to remove a monster he accidentally swallowed. The doctor puts him to sleep and goes to operate. When the boy wakes up, the doctor is holding a giant green monster. “Nothing to worry about,” the doctor says. “The operation was a success. We got the monster out.”
“No, you didn’t,” the boy replies. “The one I swallowed was blue!”
What’s a werewolf’s favorite day of the week?
Moonday.
Two dragons are chasing a knight in armor. Just as they are about to catch him, the first dragon says, “You remembered to bring the barbecue sauce this time, right?”
The second dragon answers, “Yes. And I hope you remembered the can opener.”
Why don’t vampires kiss people?
They’ve got bat breath.
What do you get when you cross a witch with ice?
A cold spell.
BAD JOKE BREAK
Exasperate a friend! You say the lines in bold; the lines after the bold lines are answers your friend will most likely give. The most important thing about this trick is to go on long enough so that your friend is confident with her answers. Then you make her groan when you get to the trick at the end!
What’s red and goes “ding dong”?
I don’t know—what?
A red ding dong. What’s blue and goes “ding dong”?
A blue ding dong?
Right! What’s green and goes “ding dong”?
A green ding dong?
Right again. Now, what’s purple and goes “ding dong”?
Why, that must be a purple ding dong.
Correct. And what’s pink and goes “ding dong”?
A pink ding dong?
Nope. They don’t come in pink.
Did you hear about the two mind readers who met on the street?
The first one said, “Well, you’re fine. How am I?”
What kind of TV do you find in a haunted house?
A big-scream TV.
At what time did Dracula go to the dentist?
Tooth hurty.
Why are graveyards so popular?
Because everyone’s dying to get in.
Why was there no food left after the Halloween party?
Because everyone was goblin.
Why did the cannibal get suspended from school?
He was caught buttering up his teacher.
What did the zombie’s friend say when he introduced him to his girlfriend?
“Good grief! Where did you dig her
up from?”
What do you say to an angry monster?
“Gosh, no need to bite my head off.”
A woman walked into a bar with a big, vicious-looking monster on a leash.
“Sorry, madam,” said the bartender, “but that creature looks dangerous. You’ll have to tie him up outside.”
The woman took the monster outside, then came back and ordered a drink. She was just finishing it when a man came into the bar and said, “Whose monster is that outside?”
“Mine,” said the woman proudly.
“Well, I’m sorry,” the man said, “but my dog just killed your monster.”
“Killed him! What kind of dog do you have?”
“A miniature poodle,” said the man.
“But how could a miniature poodle kill my great big monster?”
“She got stuck in his throat and choked him!”
A girl was walking in the dark one night when she heard a bump bump bump bump behind her. She started moving faster, but the bump bump bump bump continued. When she turned around, she was startled to notice a giant coffin bouncing over in her direction. Frightened, the girl began to run with all her might. To her horror, the coffin just went bump bump bump bump faster and faster. She ran and ran all the way to her home, through the front gate, up the path, and up the steps to her door where, after a great deal of struggling with the keys, she finally managed to unlock the door, get inside, and lock the door behind her. But just as she got inside, the coffin came crashing through her front door and chased her up the staircase! She ran and locked herself into the bathroom. The girl was totally exhausted by now, almost crying, when the coffin smashed through her bathroom door. Determined to survive, she groped around the room for anything she could find to save herself, but all she found was a bottle of cough syrup in the medicine cabinet. Desperate, she threw the cough syrup at the coffin.
And the coffin stopped.
What do you call a person who puts poison in someone’s corn flakes?
A cereal killer.
What can you find between Godzilla’s toes?
Slow runners.
What kind of monster loves to dance?
The boogieman.
What is the largest building in Transylvania?
The Vampire State Building.
What do you say if the Abominable Snowman is about to chomp your head off?
“Chill, dude.”
Why is it good to tell ghost stories in hot weather?
Because they are so chilling.
What do squirrels say on Halloween?
“Trick or tree.”
What does Tweety Bird say on Halloween?
“Twick or tweet.”
What do diplomats say on Halloween?
“Trick or treaty.”
Where do you go when a ghost is chasing you?
The living room.
How do you make a witch itch?
Take away her W.
BOY: I’ll stop being frightened if you’ll stop being scared.
GIRL: That sounds like a fear trade to me.
SPOTLIGHT
R. L. Stine and Goosebumps
Robert Lawrence (R. L. to his fans) Stine, the author of the wildly popular series Goosebumps, began writing stories when he was nine years old. An avid comic book reader as a kid, he especially enjoyed the scary ones like Tales from the Crypt and Vault of Horror. Stine says those comic books strongly influenced the writing in his own scary stories. “When I write, I try to think back to what I was afraid of or what was scary to me, and try to put those feelings into books,” he says. Goosebumps was also a popular TV show in the late ’90s. And in 2012, Stine began publishing short horror stories on Twitter, 140 characters at a time.
Stine once edited a joke magazine called Bananas under the name Jovial Bob. As Jovial Bob, he also wrote several joke books, including 101 Silly Monster Jokes and Bozos on Patrol. He says his background as a funnyman helps him because he knows what will make kids laugh, as well as what will scare them. This sixth sense for kids’ book tastes has earned him the nickname “the children’s Stephen King.” Combining giggles with ghouls makes Goosebumps stories that much more enjoyable! In fact, Stine says the best way to be a writer of any kind is to have a broad reading background. After all, the more you read, the more things you’ll know about that you can write about!
Tarzan was swinging along his vines when he suddenly found himself surrounded by terrible monsters. Vampires, werewolves, abominable snowmen, goblins, witches, and more. Do you know what he said?
“Boy, am I ever in the wrong joke.”
A very pompous man was walking around an art exhibit, critiquing every piece he came across. After a while, he came to stop at a particular exhibit and asked the owner, “Is this picture of a hideous monster what you call modern art these days?”
“No, sir,” the owner said. “It’s what we call a mirror.”
What’s a monster’s favorite snack?
Ghoul scout cookies.
What monster has the best hearing?
The eeriest.
Did you hear the one about the vampire?
It was a vein attempt at humor.
Did you hear about the poor vampire slayer?
He tried to kill a vampire by driving a pork chop through its heart because a steak was too expensive.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
How do vampires get around on Halloween night?
By blood vessels.
Did you hear about the monster with eight arms?
He said they came in handy.
Who wins at zombie baseball games?
Nobody. It’s always dead even.
What happened to the guy who couldn’t keep up on the payments to his exorcist?
He was re-possessed.
What is Transylvania?
Dracula’s terror-tory.
Why should a skeleton drink lots of milk?
It’s good for the bones.
Where do zombies go for a swim?
The Dead Sea.
Why can you tell mummies secrets?
They’re good at keeping things under wraps.
How do you get to a monster’s house?
Take a fright at the dead end.
Where does Dracula water ski?
On Lake Eerie.
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.
What do skeletons say before they start to eat?
“Bone appétit!”
Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
To a day-scare center.
Why are most monsters covered in wrinkles?
Have you ever tried to iron a monster?
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul-friend.
What do ghosts serve for dessert?
Ice scream.
SPOTLIGHT
Seinfeld
A show about nothing? That’s exactly what Seinfeld is. It follows the life of comedian Jerry Seinfeld and his neurotic and crazy friends: Kramer, George, and Elaine. Episodes from the early seasons were inspired by everyday events from the life of cocreator Larry David. A typical episode sees each character through a series of absurd but somehow believable events and wraps with each of the storylines coming together in the end. The show was on the air for nine hilarious seasons, and is one of the most popular syndicated shows of all time. Ever hear anyone say “yadda, yadda, yadda” or call someone “man hands,” a “close talker,” or a “mimbo”? Seinfeld introduced the world to all of these phrases. For a show about nothing, it certainly provides many laughs!
What do witches put in their hair?
Scare spray.
What do you call a haunted chicken?
A poultry-geist.
What kind of mistakes do ghosts make?
Boo boos.
What’s a monster’s favorite play?
Romeo and Ghouliet.
What do
you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.
What would you find on a haunted beach?
A sand witch.
What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty?
Ghoul-Aid.
What is a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving.
What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It’s a pain in the neck.
A monster is devouring an entire football team. Another monster comes along and argues that he’s eating more than his share. “Okay,” the first monster says. “I’ll give you halfback.”
Why don’t mummies take vacations?
They’re afraid they’ll relax and unwind.
What would you get if you crossed a Spaniel, a French poodle, a ghost, and a rooster?
A cocker-poodle-boo!
When do ghosts usually appear?
Just before someone screams.
SPOTLIGHT
The Addams Family
The “mysterious and spooky, altogether ooky” Addams family began as a series of cartoons drawn by Charles Addams for The New Yorker magazine from 1932 until his death in 1988. In the early 1960s, a TV producer created a show based on Addams’s drawings. The main characters were Gomez and Morticia Addams; their children, Pugsley and Wednesday; Uncle Fester; Lurch, the butler; and lovable Cousin Itt. In 1991, a movie called The Addams Family came out, followed by a sequel, Addams Family Values, in 1993. The movies introduced Addams’s characters to a whole new generation, along with the familiar theme song (snap, snap). The appeal of the Addams family was that they didn’t seem to realize their own freakiness—making their encounters with the world outside their creepy mansion (with its own graveyard) all the funnier. Remember little Wednesday in the first film, asking whether the Girl Scout cookies contained real Girl Scouts?
What do you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesperson?
A dead ringer.
Why do dragons sleep during the day?
So they can fight knights.
Why do witches think they’re funny?
Every time they look in the mirror, it cracks up.
How do you make a strawberry shake?
Sneak up behind it and yell “BOO!”
What happens when a flying witch breaks the sound barrier?