by Jamie Canosa
“Where the hell were you?” Spittle flew from his lips as he screamed almost directly in my face, loud enough to send me back a step.
“I . . . I didn’t—”
“Were you with him?”
“Who?”
“Parks! I heard you were with Parks. Is that what you were doing? Too busy screwing around on me to bother coming to school?”
“No! I mean yes—” Doug’s eyes hardened and I rushed on. “I was with him, but I wasn’t screwing around. I swear. We’re just friends. I’d never—”
“Bullshit. I can’t believe I bought your holier-than-thou, Miss Goody-freaking-two-shoes routine for so damn long. And then you turn around hand it over to someone else?”
“I didn’t—”
“Shut! Up! I’m sick of your shit, Jade.”
I briefly considered making a run for it, but he was an athlete for chrissakes. How far did I really think I would get? Plus . . . he had a car. So, yeah, not far.
Plan B had me scanning the lot for help, but maybe dallying in the bathroom wasn’t such a good idea, after all. We were alone.
“Doug, please, I didn’t do anything with Kiernan. We’re just friends. I’d never screw around. You know that.”
“I know that? You’re damn right I know that. Two friggin’ years, Jade. That’s how long I’ve been putting up with you. Allowed you to stick around for the ride. I’ve been more than patient with you, but if you’re giving it up that easy, then I think it’s past time I get my fair share.”
“Doug, don’t—” I tried to get away, but before I could blink, he’d planted a hand against the brick wall on either side of my body, effectively trapping me. “Please, Doug, don’t do this.” Tears welled in my eyes and spilled over. “Please, I—”
The rest of my plea was swallowed up when his lips came crashing down on mine. I squirmed, my back scraping against the rough wall, and shoved at his chest, but he captured my wrists like they were nothing more than a nuisance and pinned them against the bricks without ever breaking his lip lock. My heart tumbled over itself it was racing so fast, and my lungs screamed for much needed oxygen. When I tried to turn my face away in order to breathe, Doug pressed his entire body up against mine, completely immobilizing me. I’d never felt so small.
Eventually the need to breathe must have gotten the better of him because he broke away long enough for a sob to tear from me. “Stop! Doug, stop. Please!”
“Shut up, you little slut.”
I struggled against his grip as his mouth came back down on mine. Doug transferred my wrists to one hand, pinning them over my head as his free hand traveled to the hem of my shirt. God, this wasn’t happening. This was not happening. His tongue snaked its way inside my mouth and he shoved it so far down my throat I gagged.
Please. Please, please, please. I begged silently for a miracle as my lungs and heart begged for mercy.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I fought back a wave of nausea that would surely drown me. Just when I thought I may pass out—a drastic, but effective, escape from my current circumstances—Doug withdrew his invasion of my airway. But, he didn’t stop there. This time he removed his entire body from mine. Reeling a good three feet away.
I doubled over, dark spots blurring my vision—either from oxygen deprivation or adrenaline overload, maybe both—and tried to focus on what was happening. There was a flash of sunlight on blonde hair, a fist, and then Doug hit the pavement.
My legs wobbled and my stomach still felt queasy. It took a minute, and a few deep breaths, for me to straighten up.
“Are you okay?” Kiernan stared back at me, the rage swirling in his eyes entirely foreign. Slowly, the anger gave way to concern, and his eyes softened to the Kiernan I knew. “Jade?”
I nodded, not entirely trusting my voice not to betray me.
“Did he hurt you?” Kiernan’s eyes scanned my body as I did a mental inventory. My wrists were sore and my lips swollen, but otherwise, I was fine.
“I’m—”
“Get away from my girlfriend.” Doug was on his feet again. Blood dripping from his nose and mouth, he looked like something right out of a horror movie.
“You stay the hell away from her.” Kiernan’s voice was deceptively low, but you’d have to be deaf not to hear the threat behind his words.
“Screw off!”
“Screw you!” Kiernan’s hands balled into fists at his sides.
“No thanks. You’re not my type. She is.” Doug’s gaze flicked to me with a stomach churning grin, blood smeared across his perfect, white teeth. “Move it, Jade.”
“No.” Kiernan stepped in front of me, ducking his head to catch my eye. “Enough is enough. This has to stop, Jade. And you have to be the one to stop it. You can’t keep letting him treat you this way.”
My heart hammered inside of my chest as my gaze flicked from Kiernan to Doug and back again. Could I really do this? I knew that I should, that Doug had crossed some major lines. I also knew the time for putting the brakes on had long passed. It was time to make a decision. I was either all-in, or all-out. I couldn’t keep playing around in that middle ground anymore. But could I really go all-in with Doug? With anyone? Was I ready for that? The answer was a resounding no. I just wasn’t. I couldn’t.
“Doug, I . . .” I bit my lip not really knowing what to say.
His face contorted with disgust. “Are you kidding me? I’ve towed your ass through this school despite what everyone else said about you, and this is how you repay me? You owe me.”
“That’s bullshit!” I’d never seen Kiernan so red before. He was practically shaking with rage. “She doesn’t owe anybody anything.”
Doug, being the master of selective hearing, chose to ignore him entirely. “You’re making a big mistake. I’m the only thing protecting you from yourself here. You cut ties with me and the sharks will descend like you can’t believe. They will eat you alive without my protection.”
“Don’t listen to him,” Kiernan pleaded, turning his back on Doug.
But I was listening. And I heard him loud and clear. He was right. He was always right. Without Doug, I was good as fodder. High school was bad enough now. I couldn’t imagine having to walk through the halls without him by my side. He’d been my personal shield for the past two years. How was I supposed to survive without that? In my entire life, only one person had ever actually wanted me around. And that was Doug.
“I . . .”
“Jade.” Kiernan moved in closer, until all I could see was his face. “You do not need him. He’s a manipulative, controlling bastard. Look at the way he treats you. You’re nothing more than a power-trip to him. That isn’t love. He doesn’t even respect you.”
I bit my lip as it began to tremble. Doug didn’t love me. Nobody did.
“Jade, you deserve so much better than that. You don’t love him. I know you don’t. You know you don’t. Put an end to this before it’s too late.”
Did I love Doug? I loved the idea of Doug. The idea that someone could care about me that way. That I was worthy of being loved by someone.
“Jade?” Kiernan spun around to face him at the sound of Doug’s irritated voice.
“Doug, I . . . I can’t. Anymore. I’m sorry.” The words came out so soft, I wondered if he even heard them.
But I knew he had when his entire body went rigid and he stepped toward me. “You stupid bit—”
Kiernan tensed. “One more step and I will kick your ass. Again.”
Doug ground his teeth, glaring at me over Kiernan’s shoulder, but he made no move to get any closer.
“You’ll regret this, Jade. I promise you, you’ll regret this,” he spat, storming off toward his car without looking back.
It was for the best. I was better off without him. That’s what I kept telling myself even as a small part of me curled up and died, watching him go. Now I had no one.
“Jade?” Kiernan watched me closely as Doug’s car tore from the lot, tires squealing down the road.
I sniffled hard and scrubbed at the tears I hadn’t realized were rolling down my cheeks.
“I didn’t mean to—” Kiernan looked like a kicked puppy.
“No. You were right. I don’t need him.” I don’t need anyone.
“No, you don’t. But . . . are you alright?”
“I’m fine.” I plastered on a plastic smile and Kiernan frowned.
“Don’t do that.”
“Do what?”
“Pretend with me. Don’t. Please? I just want you to be honest with me.” Kiernan reached for my face and then stopped before gently wiping away a stray tear.
Honesty wasn’t exactly one of my best virtues. Being honest with others required me to be honest with myself.
“Are. You. Alright?”
I considered lying again, but what was the point. Those stupid tears continued to stream down my face. “No.”
Kiernan sighed. “But you’re not going to let me call the police, are you?”
The police? The thought alone nearly had my eyes bugging out of their sockets. “No! No police.”
“I didn’t think so.” He frowned at me before sucking his lower lip and worrying it between his teeth. “Will you come with me? Come for a ride with me? There’s something I want to show you.”
It was either go with Kiernan or start the long trek home. Something I most certainly did not have the energy for. “Okay.”
I moved like a zombie after Kiernan as he took my hand and led me across the lot. My brain wasn’t exactly firing on all cylinders, so it wasn’t until we were standing next to a midnight blue Bentley that I realized Kiernan’s usual mode of transportation wasn’t there.
“Where’s your bike?”
“It’s getting a bit cold for the bike. I think we, sadly, may have taken it for its last ride yesterday.”
“Oh.”
Kiernan opened the passenger side door and helped me into the soft leather seat. It was definitely more comfortable than the bike, though the console set between us felt more like the Great Wall of China when Kiernan slid behind the wheel.
I didn’t possess the mental capability to bother asking where we were going. Also, I really didn’t care. We’d only cruised for a few minutes when Kiernan pulled into a turnoff a couple miles from the school. It led to some hiking trails that I’d never actually hiked. I saw cars parked there often during the summer time, but no one was brave enough to be out there now. Except us, apparently.
“You coming?” Kiernan stood, holding open my door, while I considered my answer. He wasn’t kidding about it getting colder. The chill that had been falling at night for the past few weeks seemed to have settled in to stay and not even the sun could remove the nip from the air.
Zipping up my jacket, I climbed out of the warm car and surveyed the path ahead of us. It didn’t look too complicated. My sneakers could probably withstand the abuse. Without attempting to take my hand again—which, admittedly, was more than a little disappointing—Kiernan headed off down the path. Chastising myself for being so ridiculously needy, I sulked after him.
I’d just broken up with Doug. And that was it, I’d ended things. Me. And here I was, desperate for Kiernan to hold my hand? Was I incapable of being on my own for five seconds? I’d taken care of myself my entire life. I certainly didn’t need some boy to do it.
We’d covered what I’d guess was close to a quarter mile before Kiernan veered off the path and I came to a dead stop. “Where are you going?”
“It’s an animal trail. Not as well-worn as the hiking path, but it’s worth the effort. Trust me.”
I scanned the thicker undergrowth with a critical eye and reexamined my footwear, imagining walking around for the rest of the winter with holes in them. But when Kiernan offered me his hand, there wasn’t a chance I’d say no.
With his help, I climbed over fallen trees, around boulders and even hopped a small stream. It was quite the adventure, but I was beginning to wonder what the point of all of it was when we broke into a small clearing.
“So, what do you think?”
As they so often did around Kiernan, words failed me. But this time it had absolutely nothing to do with the boy standing beside me, and everything to do with where we were standing.
It was . . . indescribable. The stream we’d forged earlier opened up into a creek that meandered through the grassy meadow. A few patches of hearty wildflowers still clinging to life added sprays of purple, white, and blue to the scene. All around us, the only sounds were the leaves blowing and the water rippling.
It was like time had stopped. We’d found a place to escape the world. A refuge from reality. The one thing I needed more than anything else. I couldn’t believe it actually existed.
“Wow.” It slipped out on a breath barely loud enough to be heard and Kiernan grinned.
“Come on.”
Allowing myself to be tugged along, farther into the open space, I felt the sun warming my shoulders. It sparkled in the clear water like bits of broken glass.
“Nice, isn’t it?”
“Yeah.” My mind hunted for more words while my eyes were distracted by everything around me. “It’s . . . amazing.”
Not entirely accurate—it was so much more than that—but that was the best I was going to do under the circumstances.
“I found it by accident one day when I was out hiking over the summer.” Kiernan plopped down in the grass and I lowered myself beside him. “I come here sometimes to think.”
“I’d come here to hide.” I wanted to slap a hand over my mouth. Who says things like that? I balled it into a fist at my side, instead.
“Hide from what?”
“I don’t know. Life?” I shrugged, using the birds flitting from tree to tree as an excuse to avoid looking at Kiernan. “It’s so private here. And quiet . . . Like a secret.”
“Well, it’s our secret now. You ever need to hide, you can come here. Just don’t try to hide from me. I’ll always find you.”
His words sent a shiver up my spine that had nothing to do with the dipping temperatures. “It’s so peaceful here.”
“Yeah, that’s what I like about it. It feels like a timeout, like a break from how crazy life can get sometimes.” Kiernan grew quiet and I risked a peek to find him looking altogether uncomfortable. An unnatural look for him. “I kind of think this is what Heaven is like.”
“Really?” I don’t know why that surprised me so much, but it did. Heaven wasn’t something I thought about very often. “I thought Heaven was all clouds and golden gates, or whatever.”
“Hmm.” Kiernan lay back on the grass, tucking an arm beneath his head. A tug on my sleeve had me following his lead. Side-by-side, we lay on the surprisingly soft grass, gazing up at the puffy, white clouds floating overhead. “Like that?”
I considered everything I knew about religion, which admittedly wasn’t much, and shrugged. “Yeah. I guess.”
“Well, I like this better.” Kiernan’s voice was deep and filled with something I couldn’t identify.
Rolling onto my side, I found his gaze riveted on me instead of the clouds. Whatever it was I’d heard in his voice, it was there in his eyes, as well. I couldn’t name it, but it warmed me all the way to my bones. “Me, too.”
I’m not sure if my hand sought out Kiernan’s or the other way around, only that they intertwined as we lay there silently enjoying the moment of rare peace we’d found together.
Nine
“Hey!”
Spotting Kiernan leaning against his car in front of my building, I nearly stumbled over my own two feet while simultaneously scanning the parking lot as though it may be some kind of hallucination. Not likely, given the way the nosy lady from next door was eyeballing him from her window.
“What are you doing here?”
“I wanted to check on you.”
“Check on me?”
He shrugged, studying my face closely. “You’re okay?”
Was this all about my break up wi
th Doug? Yes, I wasn’t excited for my first day back to school post-Doug, but I was pretty sure I’d survive. Kiernan didn’t seem quite as convinced from the way he was looking at me.
“I’m fine.”
His deepening frown confused me even further. Was I not supposed to be fine? I had been with Doug for a long time. Did it make me a bitch that I got over him so easily? Could Kiernan tell how selfish my time with Doug had been?
“Let’s go for a ride.” Kiernan rounded to the hood of the car to join me on the sidewalk.
“What?”
“You up for another adventure?”
“Kiernan, I can’t keep missing school. And neither can you. Plus, I have a paper due in English today. I can’t go.” His shoulders slumped and I got the impression there was more weighing on them than just disappointment. “What’s going on?”
“I . . . You didn’t get any messages over the weekend, did you?”
“What messages? No one has my number.”
“No emails?”
“No computer. I only check emails at school.” A sickening feeling was beginning to grow in the pit of my stomach. “Tell me what’s going on.”
He swallowed hard and glanced away from me, chewing his lower lip. It might have been a distracting sight had I not been so intensely focused on whatever it was he was hiding from me.
“Kiernan?”
“Doug.”
Umm . . . “What?”
“He . . .” Kiernan’s jaw clenched and he shut his eyes for a moment before continuing. “He had some pictures. Of you. He . . . spread them around.”
My heart went from racing to complete standstill in an instant. My entire body locked up . . . except for my mouth. “What kind of pictures?”
Pity filled Kiernan’s eyes, and I gasped. No. It wasn’t possible. Wracking my memory, I recalled a few instances where he’d pushed as far as underwear together—never any further—but there had never been a camera involved. I never would have agreed to that. Ever.
If he had pictures of me like that . . . “Oh, my God.”