by Jamie Canosa
“Jade, it’s okay. I—”
“It is not okay!”
He pressed his lips together, at a loss as to what to say next.
“No,” he whispered, shaking his head slowly. “It’s not okay. It’s not okay, at all. But you’re going to be okay.”
“I’m not—”
“You will. I promise.” His hands closed around the arms I’d folded protectively across my chest. I focused entirely on those two points of contact and slowly got my breathing under control.
“They all saw it? All of them? I can’t go back there. Kiernan, I can’t show my face—”
“You can. And you will. I won’t leave your side for a second. I swear.”
“Kiernan,” I groaned, wishing I’d taken up his offer of that adventure.
“Jade, you’re going to be okay. We’ll get through this together.”
I shut my eyes as his arms came around me, pulling me into his solid chest. Couldn’t I just spend the day there, like that? That would have been nice.
***
“Do you have them?” We’d been sitting in Kiernan’s car, parked in the senior lot for almost fifteen minutes, waiting on me to gather up enough courage to move another inch.
“What?”
“The pictures. Do you still have them?”
“No.” Kiernan looked disgusted by the idea. “Of course not. I deleted that crap as soon as I saw what it was.”
“But it’s still there, right? In your trash folder or whatever?”
He shifted in his seat, pulling one leg up onto the seat to fully face me. “Maybe. I guess. Why?”
“I want to see them.” It may have been a stupid idea, but I needed to know just how bad this was. Maybe I was overreacting. Maybe you couldn’t see my face, or they were blurry, or dark. Maybe this wasn’t so bad.
“No! Absolutely not.” All hope turned to ash with Kiernan’s adamant refusal. He wasn’t going to lie to me. He hadn’t even tried to convince me they weren’t as bad as I was thinking. Because they were.
“Kiernan. I can’t—”
“Come on. No more stalling. We’re going in there. We’re going to face this, right now. No more hiding. Show them you have nothing to be ashamed of. Doug’s the one who should be ashamed. Not you.”
Easy for him to say.
If it hadn’t been for Kiernan all but dragging me through the back door, I was damn near certain I never would have set foot in that building again. No one would have been surprised if I dropped out. I doubt anyone would have even noticed. And it’s not like I needed the diploma. Kiernan didn’t seem to really care about any of that, though. He was hell bent on getting me back in there.
As the door clanged shut like some kind of ominous gong foretelling my future, I tried to shake him off. I was about to become a social pariah—as if I weren’t enough of one already. I was the freaking black plague on popularity. Kiernan didn’t need to be infected right along with me.
His grip on my hand only tightened, and he laced his fingers through mine. “Knock it off. You’re not getting rid of me that easy.”
“I don’t need a chaperone.” He wanted me there, I was there. And I could already feel the stares burning through my clothes, no longer having to imagine what lay beneath because they already knew.
Oh, God, I was going to be sick.
“Maybe I do. Because, I’m telling you, if I see that sick son of a bitch . . .” Kiernan shook his head slowly and I could see it in his eyes. They weren’t just idle words. If Doug was in the building he’d better steer clear of Kiernan Parks.
The hushed voices and bursts of laughter that followed us throughout the morning were bad enough, but it was the looks—the silent stares—that made me want to bury my head in the sand and disappear. Girls looked at me as though I’d somehow betrayed our entire gender. And the guys . . . Their leering and suggestive smirks made the dirty feeling go bone-deep.
True to his word, Kiernan didn’t leave my side. He delivered me to each and every classroom, relatively unscathed, and was there to collect me the moment the bell rang. We barely spoke. He knew I was just trying to make it through the day. And with him throwing menacing glares at anyone in a five foot radius, no one else dared say anything to me directly, either. And Doug? Him I hadn’t seen all day, which wasn’t uncommon without me going out of my way to do so . . . until lunch.
I stood outside the cafeteria doors, clinging to the edge of a cataclysmic meltdown. Going in there would be like walking into a lion’s den. He was in there. They were all in there.
“Can’t I just eat in the library? I packed my lunch. Or maybe we could sit in your car?” I was practically begging Kiernan for mercy.
“No.” Kiernan shook his head, the merciless bastard.
“Kiernan—”
“You can’t keep hiding from everyone because it’s not just them you’re hiding from. You’re hiding from yourself. And if you keep that up, you’ll start to forget who you really are.”
“What if I don’t want to remember who I really am?” My entire body started to tremble and the words just sort of fell out in a moment of weakness.
“Then you’ve already started to forget. So let me remind you. You’re a strong girl, Jade. Tougher than anyone gives you credit for. And smarter.” He held up a finger when I opened my mouth to object. “Even if you can’t see it. You are. And you know what else you are?”
I was almost afraid to ask. “What?”
“Brave. You’re brave, Jade, because you’re going to walk in there, look them all in the face and show them they can’t scare you. Show Doug that he hasn’t won.”
Okay, that last part sounded good, but the rest of it . . . “I don’t know if I can.”
“I do.”
Arguing was futile. Kiernan wrapped a protective arm around my shoulders and ushered me inside. It was one of those surreal moments. The kind where time seems to stop and everything feels like it’s moving in slow motion. I swear you could suddenly hear a cricket chirping as every eye in the room came to us.
Kiernan didn’t miss a beat. He strode the both of us across the crowded room to a vacant table, and pulled out a chair for me. I took it—anxious to make myself as small as possible—and when he sat beside me, the chatter picked back up. Low enough for them to pretend they were whispering, but loud enough that I heard every word.
“I thought she was with Doug?”
“He dumped her because she was sleeping with Kiernan Parks.”
“I can’t believe it.”
Slut.
Tramp.
Look at those clothes.
That hair.
Why would anyone want her?
“Ignore them.” Kiernan pulled out a sandwich that looked like it had more meat crammed onto it than a pig roast. My limp PB&J looked pathetic next to it. “Where’s the rest of your lunch?”
The fact that I was conserving bread by only making half a sandwich didn’t help. “I’m not hungry.”
The frown on Kiernan’s face told me he wasn’t buying it for a second. He pulled out a thermos and fiddled with the lid before sliding it over to me. “Do me a favor and open that?”
If he couldn’t get the thing open, I didn’t know what he expected from me, but I gave it a shot, anyway. Twisting with all of my might, I nearly toppled the entire thing when the lid came right off. Steaming chicken noodle soup. The guy brought soup to school for lunch. Who did that?
“Try some.” He held out a plastic spoon and I frowned at it.
“I don’t need your food.”
“I didn’t say you needed it.” He chewed a large bite and swallowed before elaborating. “My mom makes the best chicken noodle soup. It’s my duty as a good son to brag about it and make you try some.”
“Kiernan—”
“Share it with me. Please?” He put his sandwich down and folded his arms like he refused to take another bite until he got his way. Juvenile, but effective.
Taking the plastic spoon he offered
, I blew on a small bite before slipping it in my mouth. He wasn’t lying; his mom really did make the best soup I’d ever tasted in my life. “That’s delicious.”
“Told ya so.” He went back to his sandwich and I had to force myself not to inhale the entire bowl without him.
More than nutrients, the unconventional meal served as the perfect distraction. Everything else faded away as I focused solely on the warm, salty flavors coating my tongue, and the ridiculous jokes Kiernan kept cracking about his mother and her obsession with all things cooking and/or baking. I couldn’t imagine it, but he assured me we’d both be buried alive in homemade cookies come Christmastime. Definitely a first for me, I could go for that.
“Look who decided to show her face in public.”
We were cleaning up when his voice came from behind us, grating like razor blades on my already overexposed nerves. Kiernan’s hands wrapped around the arms of his chair in a white knuckled grip, and I already knew this wasn’t going to end well. Tucking away most of my uneaten sandwich, I refused to look at him, fervently hoping Doug would just go away. Like that would ever happen
“Moved on already, I see. That didn’t take long.”
Kiernan spun around in his seat, still gripping one arm as though it were the only thing keeping him from flying right out of it. “Leave her alone.”
“You’re her new protector? It’s a thankless job, isn’t it? But the fringe benefits . . .” Doug grinned, lapping up the spotlight, shining down on the spectacle he was making of all of us.
“You son of a—” Kiernan let go of the chair and the only thing keeping him in it was the hand I placed on his arm.
“He’s not worth it.” I could literally feel the rage pouring off of him.
“Neither is she, man. It may seem like it now, but in the long run, her skills are limited to—”
That did it. Kiernan pulled free of my desperate grasp and got to his feet, drawing the attention of every last person in the room. “You don’t know shit about her. What, you took some pictures without her knowledge or her consent? All that proves is that you’re a pervert. She should have you arrested for sexual harassment.”
“I didn’t take the pictures.” Doug’s hands went up in mock innocence as he smirked in the face of Kiernan’s anger.
“But you passed them around.”
Leaning into Kiernan, Doug’s face darkened and the smirk disappeared. “Prove it. Maybe she sent them out. Maybe she likes all this attention. The little sl—”
Kiernan’s fist in his face made an excellent gag. Doug stumbled backward clutching at his bloodied lip. It was the second time Kiernan had bested Doug, but this time he couldn’t let it stand. This time he had an audience, a rep to protect. He couldn’t just go crawling off into whatever hole he came out of to nurse his wounds. This time he fought back.
Kiernan ducked Doug’s first blow, but a sucker punch to the gut had him doubled over at perfect height for the strike to his head that nearly leveled him.
“Kiernan!” I was on my feet, but had no idea what else to do.
Doug may have been a coward, but he hit the gym at least three times a week to stay in shape for football. Kiernan shuffled backward, toppling his chair before regaining his balance. For a moment, he looked confused, dazed, but he recovered quickly and launched himself at Doug.
“Kiernan, stop!”
Everyone was standing, getting a better view of the show. Some were cheering, others looked horrified, but no one made a move to intervene.
“Stop it! Doug, leave him alone!” I couldn’t believe this was happening. They were both bleeding and still going at it. And why? Because of me. This was all my fault. “Kiernan! Please!”
Tears pooled in my eyes. If it had been Doug’s goal to make me feel helpless, he’d succeeded.
All I did was cause trouble for the people in my life.
The two of them grappled, fisting one another’s shirts and exchanging blow for blow. One particularly ruthless shot on Doug’s part sent Kiernan reeling backwards. He lost sight of his opponent when his hands came up to cradle his head and Doug took full advantage. Not caring at all that Kiernan was in obvious pain, he advanced on him, grinning like the heartless monster he was.
“Stop! Leave him alone! Don’t do this!”
Kiernan shook his head and took a step back. He wasn’t ready to engage. It wasn’t fair. But Doug had never been one to play fair. I knew that better than anyone.
He balled one meaty fist and, God help me, I’d made up my mind to put myself in front of it if I had to. And I would have if Mr. Walkins hadn’t chosen that moment to shove his way through the ring of spectators that had formed.
“What’s going on here?” He was followed closely by Mr. Peterson, the bulky gym teacher and together they managed to pull Doug and Kiernan apart, though it wasn’t done easily. “Principal’s office. Both of you. Now.”
Shrugging off his captor, Kiernan sought me out in the crowd and I cringed at the sight of his swollen lip the bruises already beginning to form along his jawline. Doug was escorted from the cafeteria under the watchful eye of Mr. Peterson. Mr. Walkins—being experienced in high school drama—let some space build up between them before ushering Kiernan toward the door, as well. I used the time to gather up Kiernan’s belongings along with my own, so that I was ready to follow when they left.
“Where do you think you’re going?” Mr. Walkins didn’t release Kiernan, pulling him up short as he stopped me in my tracks.
“With you . . . I—”
“You stay here. Mr. Parks has enough to worry about.”
Don’t you think you’ve caused enough trouble for one day?
“But, I—”
“Go to class, Miss Carlson.” Mr. Walkins started to walk away, but Kiernan refused to budge.
“Everything’s gonna be okay. You go to class and I’ll see you in a little bit. I promise.”
“Let’s go, Mr. Parks.” With an impatient tug, Mr. Walkins had Kiernan moving again, but his eyes stayed glued to me.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t seem to get my vocal chords to function, but before he rounded the corner, I managed to get my lips to form the words, ‘I’m sorry.’
I went to class like I was told. I sat in my desk, opened my book, and stared at text that meant absolutely nothing to me. The teacher droned on and on at the front of the room, but I didn’t hear a single word she said. All of my thoughts were with Kiernan. The school had a zero tolerance policy when it came to fighting. How much trouble would he get in? How much trouble did I get him in?
When he wasn’t there after class, I knew it had to be a lot. Nothing else would have kept him from keeping his promise.
Head down, I plowed through the hallways on my own. I didn’t care what anyone was saying about me anymore. Let them talk. I deserved it. After all, the pictures weren’t photo-shopped. I’d really done those things with Doug. I’d let him look at me like some kind of skeezy lingerie model. If that made me a slut, I guess that’s what I was.
The final bell rang without another Kiernan sighting. Squeezing my way through the pulsating crowds, I broke through the back doors into the senior lot, but the Beemer was nowhere to be found. I made a mental note of the crappy battery life my phone had and that I’d have to remember to charge it every day if I was going to actually start using the thing as I plugged in a quick text.
Are you okay?
His reply was almost instantaneous.
Jade? I’m so glad you texted. I’ve been trying to figure out how to reach you. Are you okay?
Me? Seriously?
I’m fine. What happened? How’s your face?
It’s all good. They sent us both home. Suspension. They wouldn’t let me see you first. I’m so sorry. I told you I wouldn’t leave your side and now I’m not there.
Suspended? That would go on his permanent record. And he was the one apologizing? I was still trying to compute all of that when his next message chimed in.
&
nbsp; I’m not allowed on school property, but I can pick you up off campus if you want a ride home.
No. I’d already messed his life up enough for one day. I’ll take the bus.
Turning the phone off, I slipped it in my pocket and headed around the building. Students were everywhere, wandering up and down the sidewalk, climbing on buses, hanging out windows to talk to their friends. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t willingly put myself in a confined space with that many people. Not today.
Hefting my books, I zipped up my jacket and started walking.
Ten
My stomach was making sounds similar to those of Kiernan’s bike by the time I finished my homework. Sick to death of the constant rumbling and headaches, I tore open the cabinets one after another in search of anything to silence it. Nothing. Not a goddamn thing, besides a bag of flour—who the hell knows why we had that considering I’d never seen my mother so much as scoop-and-bake a cookie in my entire life—and a jar of something I’d rather not know what it was, but had been sitting in there for as long as I could remember.
The fridge was no better. Not so much as a slice of cheese, but the shelves were lined with my mother’s special liquid diet.
“Dammit!” I’d had it. I was hungry. I was tired. I was humiliated, despised, and . . . yeah, I was sulking. I was a teenager and it was my God given right.
“What’s your problem?” It was the first I’d seen of my mother since I got home from school and I wasn’t surprised in the least that her words were slurring. If I ever heard her speak clearly, I’m not sure I’d recognize her voice.
What’s my problem? She wanted to know what my problem was? Throwing the fridge shut, I whirled around to face her, letting my frustration take control. “I’m hungry. I’m freaking hungry, Mom, and there’s nothing to eat in this damn place.”
“There’s a frozen dinner in the freezer.” She shuffled past me, brushing me off like a mere annoyance.
I watched her like she was nuts. “Only the one you opened months ago and tossed back in there.” This got no response, so I elaborated. “It’s all freezer burned and covered in ice.”
“So what?” She turned on me, and I knew it was serious when she slammed the fridge without retrieving what she’d come for. “You too good for what I can provide now? You think you can do better? You lazy ass, ungrateful, Queen Almighty. Why don’t you get a job, your Highness?”