Falling to Pieces

by Jamie Canosa

  A dark cloud moved over Caulder’s face. “Yeah. Me, too.”

  We were two people standing on the edge of a cliff, knowing we were going to fall and that it was going to hurt like hell when we hit bottom. But we were powerless to stop it, so we did all we could. We held on to each other and braced ourselves for the worst.

  “Are you ready?”

  Not even a little. “Yeah. I’m ready.”

  “Last door on the left. And, Jade?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Take a breath before you open the door.”

  Be prepared.

  That hallway was like the never-ending tunnel of doom. Each step seemed to make it grow longer and the walls shrink tighter around me. I was both eager and dreading making it to the end. And when I finally did, reaching for that door handle was like cranking the lever on a jack-in-the-box. Intentionally scaring the crap out of yourself.

  My hand closed around the ice cold metal fixture and I took that breath Caulder warned me to. Held it a moment, let everything settle, and then shoved it open. I’d been there before—walking into a hospital room to visit Kiernan, but they were right. This time was different. This time was worse.

  He was lying on the bed, his eyes hooded and half closed. Machines blinked and beeped all around him. Tubes ran around his ears and hooked into his nose, IV’s hung by his bedside, and thin white chords traveled from some noisy machine to disappear beneath his t-shirt. Besides all of that, Kiernan just looked . . . spent.

  “There’s the girl I’ve been waiting to see.” He barely lifted his hand to wave me in.

  “I’ve been waiting a while to see you, too.”

  “Yeah, this whole one visitor at a time nonsense is ridiculous. I’m the one on my deathbed, why can’t I choose who’s here with me?”

  He laughed, but I couldn’t find the funny in the situation. “Don’t say that.”

  “I’m sorry.” Sobering, Kiernan patted the chair pulled up to the side of his bed. “Come sit with me?”

  The long overhead lamp hanging above his bed was off, leaving the room lit only by the late afternoon sunlight filtering through the window and the faint glow coming from the machinery. Half of Kiernan’s face was concealed in shadow, but I could feel him watching me as I shuffled closer.

  “Nope.” I was lowering myself into the chair when he stopped me. “Not close enough.”

  Scooting over appeared to exhaust what little energy he had, but he managed to make room on the mattress beside him.

  “Kiernan . . .” I wasn’t sure that was such a good idea. “The tubes and wires . . .”

  “Will be fine. We’ll figure them out. Please?” I never could say no to him, but when he looked at me with desperation and fear in his eyes, it was decided. There was nothing on this Earth I wouldn’t do for him. “I need to have you in my arms.”

  I climbed up beside him and we both set to rearranging the many cords hanging around us. It took some maneuvering, but we figured it out. As I laid my head on the pillow next to his, Kiernan ran his hands over my arms, my shoulders, my hair, my face . . . anywhere he could reach. And I shut my eyes, savoring his touch.

  “Remember when we met?”

  “The first time or the second?” Truthfully, I had crystal clear memory of them both.

  Kiernan’s laughed quietly. “The second. I choose to disregard that lame Valentine as my first official gift to you.”

  He did remember! I nearly choked on my surprise. What would he say if he knew I still had it tucked away in a box beneath my bed? “How could I forget?”

  “I knew you were special, right then. You were smart, and beautiful, and you blushed like a tomato, but it was your eyes that gave you away as something . . . more.” His fingertips gently brushed over the corner of my eye, sending a shiver coursing through me. “These eyes. These deep, beautiful eyes. They drew me in and wouldn’t let me go. I dreamed about you, you know.”

  “You did?” I didn’t even care that my voice was breathy, making it blatantly transparent just how much his words affected me.

  “Uh huh. Almost every night. Your eyes . . . they haunted me. The pain I saw in them. I just wanted to take it all away.

  “You did.”

  Kiernan sighed. “Maybe. For a while. But it’s back, now. I can see it. Right here.” My lashes fluttered as his touch brushed over my eyelids. “I wish I could take that pain away for you, Jade. More than anything, I do.”

  “I know you do.” Wrapping his fingers in mine, I dragged them down to my lips and planted a kiss on each one. Kiernan always had a way of seeing straight to my soul. There was no use trying to lie to him, so I gave him the God’s honest truth. “I’m scared, Kiernan. But I’ll be alright. I promise. When I met you, the thought of finding love and losing it would have killed me. But I’m stronger now. I have people I can lean on. I have hope. And all of that is because of you. You’ve made me a better person. A braver person. And I wouldn’t give up knowing you to save myself all the pain in the world.”

  Kiernan’s fingers trailed idly over my cheeks and across my jaw, as though he were trying to commit my face to memory—lock this moment away for eternity—the way that I was. “I have something for you.”

  “Something for me?”

  “Yeah. It’s on the table.” His gaze shifted over my shoulder. “I’m not sure I can reach it.”

  “I’ll get it.” Rolling over, I spotted a small package sitting on the rolling table beside the bed.

  When I handed it off to Kiernan and he opened it, I was glad all the machines around us weren’t attached to me because I was pretty sure they’d be making some god-awful noise with the way my heart had stopped beating.

  “You . . . You . . .”

  “Yeah.”

  “How?” I reached for the book he held in his hands, almost afraid to touch it.

  “I had a lot of free time on my hands. I typed it up and had it professionally printed. This is the only copy.”

  “Whoa.” My fingers drifted reverently over the glossy cover.

  A cocky grin tipped Kiernan’s lips and he shrugged. “Yeah.”

  “Whoa,” I repeated, dumbly, because . . . well . . . it bore repeating.

  Defying Reality was printed across the front in bold blue lettering. Beneath the scrawling font lay a picture of Kiernan and me. One I’d never seen before and couldn’t even remember being taken. The background was blurred slightly, but I could tell we were standing in his backyard, wrapped up in each other’s arms. It was no wonder I had no clue the picture had been taken, we both clearly had eyes for only each other in that moment. It was beautiful. It was heartbreaking. It was perfect.

  And at the very bottom, printed clearly across our legs lay three words I never dared to dream I’d see in print. By Jade Carlson. My dream come true. Inside and out, Kiernan held every last one of my hopes and dreams in the palm of his hand. And he was offering them all to me to keep and cherish. Even if they could never come true the way I wanted them to, I would always have this.

  “Thank you.” Those two words did not do nearly enough justice to what this meant to me. “Kiernan . . .” But I couldn’t think of any others. So, instead of telling him everything I was feeling, I showed him.

  Leaning over, I threw my arms around his neck and pressed my lips to his. I pressed my whole body to his, banishing the last iota of space between us, wishing I could press inside of him and touch his heart the way he had touched mine. It was complicated and not entirely comfortable with all the cords surrounding us, between us, but we made do. By the time we broke apart, Kiernan was breathing hard, and I could feel the tears streaming down my cheeks.

  “I love you, Kiernan. I always will.”

  ***

  Time felt irrelevant as I lay there beside him. There definitely wasn’t enough of it, but somehow it seemed to stand still. We talked about nothing, laughed, cried a little, and then fell into a comfortable silence. Kiernan’s fingers skimmed over my waist and through my hair, while mi
ne curled and uncurled over his chest. I listened to the sound of the machine beeping in time with his heart beating beneath my cheek, the sound of voices from out in the hall, the sound of his breathing mingled with mine.

  The truth was, we both knew time was running out. We were watching those last few grains of sand slip through our fingers. And with no way to stop them, neither of us knew what else to do other than just be. So we were.

  We were together. We were comforted. We were in love.

  We were.

  Until we weren’t.

  Twenty Six

  I’d nearly been lolled to sleep by the repetitive thud of Kiernan’s heart when a sudden high pitched scream filled the room. Terror whipped through me like a hurricane.

  “Kiernan?” Bolting upright, I shook him, but his eyes refused to open. He looked so peaceful, lying there beside me. As though he’d simply closed his eyes and fallen asleep, letting go of all the pain, and fear, and worry that plagued him while he was awake. But he’d let go of so much more than that. “Kiernan!”

  “Out. Get her out.” The room filled up with men and women wearing lab coats and scrubs. Someone’s hands closed around my arms and pulled me away. Away from Kiernan.

  “Kiernan! No! No, Kiernan!” I struggled against whoever was holding me, until a door separated me from the boy I loved, and the cold clinical hands were replaced by two warm arms, encompassing me.

  “Shh, Angel. Hush. I’ve got you. I’ve got you.”

  Even Caulder couldn’t reach me now. That moment had come. The one he’d tried to warn me about and I continued to shout as he held me against his chest, rocking me until I calmed enough to stand on my own. After that, I don’t know what happened.

  I felt completely detached, as though I were floating outside my body, watching the whole scene unfold around me. Unattached from the feelings and emotions running rampant through my discarded body. Through the small rectangular widow set in the door, I watched the doctors and the nurses work feverishly over Kiernan. In the glimpses of him I caught between shuffling bodies, I saw his skin grow paler.

  I observed Mrs. Parks as she looked on, over my shoulder, thin arms wrapped protectively around her narrow waist. She looked almost frail, standing there in the stark white light of the sterile hallway. But it was Caulder who twisted my heart.

  Somehow I saw him, too, though he stood behind us, one hand planted firmly against the opposite wall and the other anchored almost painfully in his hair. His entire body shook with tension and the effort it cost him to hold it all together for everyone else.

  Somehow, I saw all of this without ever once removing my gaze from that damn window.

  I knew the moment it was over. The moment he was gone. The moment my life changed forever. One doctor looked at another, there was a slight shake of a head, a glance at the clock, and that was it. Game over. The sharp sound of machine alarms was silenced and replaced by a mournful wail. At first, I thought it might have been coming from me, but the source became clear when Mrs. Parks collapsed into Caulder’s arms.

  It was done. There was nothing else to see or do. Nothing to be said or heard. Words couldn’t fix this. Nothing could. There was no reason for me to be there, anymore. I couldn’t. I couldn’t stay and watch his family fall apart. I couldn’t impose on their grief with my own.

  “Jade!” I heard Caulder calling my name as I headed numbly toward the elevator.

  The ride down felt like it was taking me straight to hell. I hurt. Everywhere. Inside and out. My head spun so fast I couldn’t latch on to a single thought, for which I was grateful because anyone of them would be filled with suffering. All I wanted was to be home.

  A chime sounded and a big letter L flashed in red lights above the doors. As they slid open, I stumbled out, right into the arms of . . . “Mom?”

  “Jade?”

  “Oh, Mom.” That was it. The self-preservation of detachment lost, it all crashed into me at once. And I crashed into her.

  “Oh, no.” Her arms slid around me, offering much needed support. “I’m sorry, Jade. I’m so sorry.”

  I hadn’t even realized she’d been leading me out of the building until the cold air hit me. Wind whipped through my hair, threatening to freeze my tears to my face, and I clung to her with all my might.

  “Let’s get out of here. Let’s go home.” Mom’s fragile embrace was the only thing keeping me from falling to pieces. As she lowered me into the passenger seat, I marveled through my sorrow at the fact that I had a real home to go to. A place I could find comfort in. And a mother to take me there.

  The saying goes that people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I’d hoped and prayed that Kiernan would be with me for a lifetime, but in the end it was for a reason that he was sent to me. Kiernan changed my life. He changed me. He showed me that there was more to life than existing. Taught me how to live it, how to experience it, how to treasure it. He gave me hope, and love, and family. But above all, Kiernan Parks taught me how not to be afraid.

  And that was a lesson, for better or worse, that I had a lifetime ahead of me to be grateful for.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  Writing has been an amazing ride. The past year-and-a-half there have been ups, downs, and inside outs. And I’ve loved every single second of it. The encouragement I’ve found both in and out of the writing community has been astounding. I couldn’t imagine surrounding myself with a better group of people.

  A gigantic thank you to my family for all of their support. To the hubs for reading every single word I’ve ever written (even the ‘girly’ ones). To the kiddos who get just as giddy as I do every time we see a new proof in the mail (even if they’re not actually old enough to read any of them yet).

  To all of the amazing authors I’ve found inspiration in. Cindy Bennett, Sherry Gammon, Micalea Smeltzer, just to name a few. And the awesomesauce bloggers who have been supporting me since the very beginning. You know who you are.

  And to the spectacular cover artist, Kelsey Keeton, for bringing Jade to life through the gorgeous images of cover model, Cameo Yvette.

  I love you all! And I cannot thank you enough.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Jamie Canosa is a full time author of YA/NA literature, which she absolutely loves. When she’s not writing or spending time with her family, she can usually be found with her nose in a book. She currently resides in Upstate NY with her husband, and their three crazy kids . . . plus the cat, the bird, and the rabbit.

  Learn more about Jamie at:

  http://jamiecanosa.blogspot.com/

  https://www.facebook.com/AuthorJamieCanosa

  Love Caulder?

  Keep an eye out

  for the Pieces novella,

  Angel,

  featuring Cal.

  And don’t miss book 2

  in the Pieces series.

  Jade’s story isn’t over yet.