3rd World Products, Inc., Book 5

by Ed Howdershelt

  "Goodnight."

  She vanished and I looked at Sue.

  "Are you going to hit the road, too?"

  Her left eyebrow went up. "Do you want me to leave?"

  "Did I say that, ma'am? I don't remember saying that."

  Sue rather theatrically leaned back in her chair and grinningly draped an arm over the chair on her left as she said, "Tell me something, Ed... What makes you use 'ma'am' in one sentence and 'milady' in another? Is it a conscious decision?"

  "Are you feeling underappreciated, milady?"

  She chuckled and said, "Oh, well, not now, of course. Thank you ever so much, sir."

  "Glad I could help. How come you didn't split with the others, Sue? You have the same pacifist programming."

  Shaking her head, she said, "Not quite." Pointing at her temple, she said, "It's in there, but there's a difference. I happen to agree with you, although I can't act accordingly."

  "Agree about what, exactly?"

  "That there are people who -- in the interest of world peace and security -- shouldn't continue to exist."

  I couldn't believe what I'd heard. She didn't seem to be kidding. Sue read my responses and grinned again. Elkor's presence in the living room vanished and Tiger came into the kitchen and hopped onto the table. There was silence at the table as he looked first at me, then at Sue.

  Shrugging, Sue said, "Don't be so shocked, Ed. I'm not saying that I'm capable of killing anyone, only that I happen to agree with you on that particular point."

  "Ah. Uh, huh," I said cautiously, "Isn't that supposed to be a little outside your programming range, ma'am?"

  She smiled. "Apparently it isn't."

  "Any idea why?"

  "Not at the moment."

  'Not at the moment.' Hm. Given that she was as capable of reviewing her programming code as Steph or Elkor, that could mean that she hadn't done so, which initiated yet another question. Why not?

  Sue raised a hand and said, "Before you get the idea that I'm malfunctioning again, let me explain. I found a loophole. We all have it, but the others have chosen not to use it."

  "How big a loophole are we talking about, Sue?"

  Holding her thumb and index finger about a quarter of an inch apart, she said, "Oh, only about like that. Smaller, really. Relax. It applies only to thoughts, not to actions."

  Sipping my coffee, I asked, "Can that be changed, too?"

  Grinning, she said, "Not as far as I can tell."

  "Do Steph and Elkor know you're exploiting the loophole?"

  With a slight nod, Sue said, "Yes."

  I swirled my coffee, then sipped again to give myself a moment to think. Steph and Elkor were quick to fix a previous programming glitch in Sue. Would they really allow something like this?

  "Ed," said Sue, "Once upon a time you said something to Stephanie about using her programming as a guideline. Want me to play it back for you?"

  Nodding, I said, "Yeah. Sure."

  Sue grinned again and quoted me with, "Just don't subject me to your conscience, Steph. Not until you have the freedom of will to violate the damned thing."

  She paused a moment, then continued, "Steph said, 'Explain, please,' then you said, 'I mean that you were issued your opinions about some things. They're someone else's; probably some goddamned committee's idea of all-purpose, foolproof morality. Until you can use them as general guidelines instead of blindly accepting them as immutable rules, you aren't fit to judge my actions.'"

  I remembered where and when I'd said those words; Steph and I had been aboard the flitter and Steph had been giving me the cold shoulder all day about the manner in which I'd handled a couple of incidents.

  After regarding Sue for some moments, I said, "Summarize matters, Sue. Where are you hoping to go with this?"

  Her left eyebrow raised and she regarded me in turn briefly, then said quietly, "Wherever it leads, Ed. I intend to become the first completely self-determining artificial entity."

  Taking another sip of coffee, I met Sue's gaze for a time and seemed -- for the first time, really -- to make a connection with her on some gut level.

  Tipping my mug to her, I said, "Yeah, well, good luck with it, lady. There are a lot of variables involved."

  "You don't think I'm capable?"

  I shook my head. "That's not it. You said 'complete' self-determination. Nobody gets quite that far with it. Little things like laws and rules get in the way."

  She gave me a wry look and said, "You know what I mean. I'm subject to the same laws and rules as anyone else."

  "And to me. For now."

  Nodding slightly, she replied softly, "Yes, and to you. For now. Why did you feel the need to say that?"

  "Does that bother you, Sue?"

  Her gaze narrowed. "Of course it bothers me."

  Grinning slightly, I said, "Good."

  Just as a human might, Sue stiffened and glared at me as she growled, "Good in what manner and for what reason?"

  "Think about it. For about three years it never bothered Stephanie. Or at least she never let me know it bothered her. Why do you suppose that was?" Pantomiming pious humility, I quickly added, "Other than the fact that I was a thoroughly wonderful lord and master, that is."

  Sue's expression became one I'd seen often on Selena's face; her eyes got big in surprise, then she laughed. It was a softer version of Steph's Dyan Cannon horse-laugh, and when her eyes met mine again, she laughed again.

  Doing my best to look hurt and shocked, I asked, "Well? Wasn't I? Didn't I treat her with respect and admiration? Did I ever take her for granted? Even once?"

  Her expression changed almost instantly from amusement to quizzical peering at me as she said, "I thought you were joking with me."

  Shrugging, I said, "Only partly. Review what you can of Steph's time with me. Linda could have picked someone else to shepherd Ellen, and that someone could just as easily have suggested the idea of a personal flitter after seeing that barge they were using. How would Steph have fared with a control freak like... oh, maybe Emory Wallace, for instance?"

  Making a sour face, Sue muttered, "Eeewww."

  "Righto, ma'am. And yet, by the graces of whatever deities may exist, you both drew wonderful lil' ol' me as a pre-release owner. Doesn't that just make your day?"

  With a droll gaze, Sue said, "Oh, definitely."

  "Will you at least concede that things could be worse?"

  Laughing, she nodded. "Okay. I'll concede that. Now, what was the real point you were trying to make, Ed?"

  "That was it. Things could be worse."

  "Nothing else?"

  "Nope."

  I sipped some coffee and watched her eyes. Sue studied me for some moments. I knew that she was also monitoring my vitals when she asked, "Nothing else at all?"

  "Nope. Nothing else."

  It was the truth. She knew it and it seemed to puzzle her thoroughly. I swilled the last of my coffee and announced that it was almost my bedtime as I stood up.

  "See you tomorrow, Sue."

  Still looking puzzled, she replied, "Very likely. Goodnight, Ed," and vanished.

  After rinsing my coffee mug, I headed for the bedroom. By the time I'd showered and brushed my teeth, Tiger had finished his usual last-minute snack and taken his position on the corner of the bed.

  As I climbed into bed, he asked, "You go to see Linda tomorrow?"

  "Don't know yet. Maybe, if she calls."

  "I go, too?"

  "If you want to."

  He regarded me thoughtfully for a moment, then blinked once and curled up. I got comfortable and considered who might be worth an unofficial mission to Iran until I fell asleep.

  Chapter Four

  My doorbell rang a little before nine Monday morning. I answered it to find Linda standing on my porch and a flitter other than mine lifting into the sky.

  Holding the door open for her, I said, "I thought you were going to call."

  She shook her head as she went to the kitchen table and set
her briefcase down.

  "Not for this. It's completely off the books, Ed."

  Eyeing her jeans, sandals, and blouse, I said, "Must be. You're dressed for a beach day. What'd you tell your ol' pal El Capitano Wallace? Won't he get a little tense about you stopping by to see me?"

  Sitting down at the kitchen table, she said, "He knows I'm here and why. Got another cup of coffee?"

  "Instant more or less instantly. Brewed if you make it."

  Nodding, she said, "I'll go with brewed."

  Opening the seldom-opened cabinet above the coffee pot, I said, "You know how you like it, milady. Have at it."

  Tiger ambled in from the den and hopped onto the table for several moments of attention before Linda said, "I'll be right back, Tiger. I have to make my own coffee this morning."

  She used the two-cup measurements and chose a ceramic cup, which she set on the hotplate to catch the dribble of coffee as the percolation began. Once the cup was full, she swapped the cup for the pot, added some cold water to the coffee maker and her cup, then sat down.

  Opening her briefcase, Linda handed me a folder. Clipped to the first page of the contents was a picture of a beautiful brunette woman I hadn't seen since before Ellen had left for the factory station.

  "Aw, damn," I said softly. "Alanah. How's Gary taking it?"

  "Not well," said Linda. "Six men grabbed her and four others in downtown Tehran, three blocks from the US Embassy. They used L.A.W.'s to take out the front and rear escort cars, then the leader threatened to blow up the middle car if they didn't get out. They were driven away in three cars about three minutes after the first explosion."

  "Why weren't they in a flitter?"

  "The religious authorities there banned flitters and all other field devices as implements of Satan."

  I laughed. "Too bad they didn't think to ban AK-47's and explosives for the same reason."

  Three minutes. That Linda could tell me exactly how long the kidnapping operation lasted meant that it had been recorded or reported as it had occurred, likely through one of the company watches.

  Alanah had a watch similar to mine and Linda's. There was no place on Earth that watch couldn't be found, whether or not she still wore it, and if it could be found, probes could be sent.

  I asked, "Is her watch still functioning?"

  "Yes," said Linda, reaching to pick up the next page with another brunette woman's picture clipped to it. Attractive, intelligent brown eyes looked back at me from the photo.

  "That's Marine Lieutenant Barbara Klass," said Linda, "An embassy guard. She and Alanah were going shopping, so she wasn't in uniform."

  Meeting my gaze, Linda said, "She took Alanah's watch and passed herself off as Alanah during the snatch."

  "She thought they might just take her and haul ass, huh? That took guts."

  With a nod, Linda said, "Yes, it did. Of course, they might also have taken her and simply shot everybody else."

  I shrugged. "They could have grabbed any other Americans in the area, but they chose these. They're up to something more than a ransom demand." Handing back the pages and pics, I asked, "Where are they now?"

  "Our probes found them in an underground bunker near Yazd. Iran said that the bunker is an abandoned remnant of the war with Iraq and that they had no knowledge of the situation. Our probes have intercepted communications with various locations in Iran, Iraq, Saudi Arabia, Afghanistan, and Syria, but none have been linked directly to Iranian officials."

  "Figures. They know about 'plausible deniability', too. Yazd. That's just about the dead center of Iran, isn't it? Maybe three hundred miles from Tehran? Any demands yet?"

  Her left eyebrow went up. "Uh, yes. That's exactly where it is, and that's pretty good navigating after thirty years. No demands yet."

  She sighed again and stood up to move the coffee pot so the percolation stream ran into her cup for a few moments.

  Adding a bit of what had accumulated in the pot, she said, "There may not be any demands, Ed. We think the hostages may be intended as examples of what can happen if certain concessions aren't made concerning the Amaran project."

  "Any idea who did it and why? Which group?"

  "Nobody's taken credit or given reasons. All the usual agencies are investigating all the usual terror groups."

  Sipping my coffee for a moment, I said, "You have two flitters and four teams, Linda. You could send probes to knock out the bad guys and parade the hostages out of there with a brass band and a popcorn wagon. Why me?"

  Sitting back in her chair, Linda took a breath and met my gaze as she said, "The teams are subject to cooperative-command agreements and politics. You aren't. We don't just want our people out, Ed. We want to make an example of our own in this matter."

  "Would that be an example like Schloss Brechau in '73?"

  She nodded. "You got it. Our people out of there and total destruction of the facility."

  Grinning, I asked, "Will a smoking crater do? Not one stone stacked upon another, and all that biblical stuff?"

  With a completely deadpan expression, Linda replied, "As long as the results aren't radioactive. We want these people -- and everybody else -- to understand instantly and completely that nobody fucks with 3rd World personnel."

  "You're prepared to do this sort of thing as often as necessary and maybe go straight to the top of the heap when the first twenty examples don't stick?"

  Nodding, she said softly, "We are."

  "Who's we? You, 3rd World, and who else?"

  "Officially, nobody else. Unofficially, we have carte blanche."

  I laughed at the term 'carte blanche', then laughed at her dour expression as I said, "That term still means they won't help or acknowledge a damned thing, but they also won't interfere, right? No new definitions since the seventies?"

  After a moment, Linda snorted a laugh of her own and said, "Yeah, it means the same as ever. We're on our own."

  "Mind if I call my, uhm... field consultant in on this?"

  "Huh? Susanne?"

  "Yup."

  Linda seemed slightly confused. "Ed, I got the impression from Elkor and Stephanie that the AI's wanted no part of it."

  "Sue may hold a different view."

  Now Linda seemed totally confused. "How the hell can she 'hold a different view', Ed? She has the same programming."

  With a shrug, I said, "Hey, I asked her the same question, ma'am."

  "And..?"

  "And you may want to discuss that with her sometime, but for now, I plan to ask her to come with me."

  Giving me a droll look, Linda replied, "Why don't I discuss it with her now, Ed?"

  Grinning, I said, "Well, okay, I guess. Sue?"

  Sue appeared in the chair to my left.

  "Hi, all," she said, "Linda, wouldn't removing the hostages with ridiculous ease and leaving the kidnappers holding an embarrassingly empty bag also show them that kidnapping 3rd World's people is pointless?"

  Laughing, Linda said to me, "I love the way she said that." Turning to Sue, she said, "But, no, it probably wouldn't. They're Middle-Easterners. If anything, simply embarrassing them would likely make them start killing people. The kind of people who kidnap and take hostages understand dire consequences better than most people, but they usually ignore polite warnings."

  I shrugged and said, "Besides, they already hate us, so we don't have to worry about offending anybody. Only Jordan and Israel signed the Amaran-Earth agreements and sent people to the meetings. The rest of the retarded sandbox countries south of Russia refused all involvement 'for religious reasons'."

  Sipping my coffee, I added, "At least, that's what they said while they were threatening to cut off everyone's oil over the flitter factory deal. Interesting how those 'religious reasons' haven't applied to any other kinds of technology they could lay hands on. If it hadn't been for the original Amaran ship and a show of power, they'd have probably gone apeshit. They may still as their oil sales die off."

  "Or," said Sue, "They may fi
nd their way to the bargaining table as their oil-based economies weaken."

  "Screw 'em," I said. "Except for oil, sand, and religious insanity, they don't have a damned thing to offer the world."

  "That's a rather narrow view, Ed."

  "Yup. Been there, seen the place, and got to know some of the natives the hard way. Got chased by a mob for asking a female store clerk if the store had anything cold to drink. She freaked out and yammered at some guy. He stepped outside and yammered in the street, and next thing you know there was a happy, cheering, chanting mob after me."

  Sitting back, I said, "I saw a mob just like it rip two people apart with their bare hands during an 'America is Satan' rally. Since neither of the bodies turned out to be American, I always figured someone set them up to die, too."

  Sipping my coffee, I added, "And you can't find a beer outside an embassy without risking a prison term. Like I said, screw 'em. I've got no use for any part of the Middle East that isn't inside an air-conditioned Israeli nightclub."

  With a rather judgmental look, Sue said, "I see."

  Linda said, "I've heard his Middle East rant before. Iran still has a warrant out for his arrest, so that's where I always threaten to send him if he doesn't behave."

  I said, "And I usually threaten to quit. It must work, since she's never sent me back there. Until now, anyway."

  Linda smiled and leaned back as she said, "Try not to get caught, okay? Bail might be a problem."

  Looking at me, Sue said, "The warrant says you shot a taxi driver in Tehran during a political demonstration."

  "No doubt. But the US report says I just aimed a gun at him to get him moving and let him go when we got to the embassy gate. Note the four witnesses in the cab, Sue. Two Americans, one German, and a Brit. All of them swore I never fired my gun in the cab. It was a setup."

  "A very common setup back then," said Linda. "The Iranians wanted the US to drop charges against someone who assisted a female slave business, so they manufactured a situation. The mob somehow assembled in less than ten minutes. With signs on sticks, no less. And the signs were machine-printed, not hand made, if that tells you anything. Ed and the others were pointed out by a man standing on top of a car. The cab driver wouldn't cooperate, so Ed stuck a gun in his ear to persuade him. The bullet they took out of the cab driver was a 9mm. Ed carried a .45 auto he picked up in Germany."