by K. M. Scott
“I never asked to be born. I’m sorry my father wasn’t the kind of man who cared about the women he claimed to love. I’m not like him, though, and when I find Abbi she’ll see that.”
Racing down the stairs, I got to my car and called Abbi, but her phone went directly to voicemail. With her phone off, I couldn’t even try to track her. I didn’t know if she’d ever get my message, but I texted her anyway, desperate for her to know I needed her.
Abbi, don’t do this. Don’t leave me. I need you. I swear I’ll promise you anything if you’ll just tell me where you are so I can bring you home to our little house.
I couldn’t just wait and hope she’d see my message, so I called John Kearney, the private investigator we used at the club. If anyone could help me find her, if was him.
“Kane, I heard you guys were closing up shop, so I’m surprised to hear from you.”
“I need you to find someone for me. I’m in a hurry.”
“Find someone? Who?”
“Her name is Abigail Linde. Goes by the name Abbi. She’s petite, blond with shorter hair but she might be wearing a wig. She’s also pregnant. I need to find her as soon as possible. She might be headed north from Anna Maria Island to her mother’s house in Panama City.”
“She owe you money or something? You sound like you’re a man on a mission here, Kane.”
I slid behind the wheel and took one last look at the house. “Nothing like that. I just need to find her now. Don’t worry about the cost. Price is no object. Spend whatever you have to but find her. I’ll throw in an extra twenty grand if you can find her within the week. Deal?”
John’s breath caught and he said, “I can’t turn that down, so deal. I’ll find your girl. What do you want me to do when I do find her, though?”
“Let me know and I’ll come to you. She’s not to be hurt. Do you understand me, John?”
“I don’t hurt people, Kane. I just find them. I leave the hurting up to the people who want them found.”
His comment made me wince, but I brushed it off. I needed to keep focused. “Call me as soon as you know something.”
“You got it. Stay by your phone.”
I threw my cell on the passenger seat and drove out of there back to my rooms at the club. I couldn’t go back to our house. It just wasn’t the same without Abbi there to share it with me.
With the club closed, I had the entire building to myself, alone with nothing but my thoughts. During the day, I sat in my office and waited to hear from John about where she was hiding, and at night I lay on the floor next to my bed where I held Abbi in my arms that first night. Every minute my mind stayed preoccupied with the real fear that I’d never see the woman I loved again or ever see my child.
That when everything else was stripped away—the money, the club, everything— who I was wasn’t who she wanted. That the man I was made her run away.
Three night later, I lay on the floor of my bedroom in the dark when John called with the news I’d been waiting for. “What did you find out?”
“Kane, was this job some kind of trick or something? You testing me?”
Sitting up, I tried to figure out what he meant. “I told you I needed you to find Abbi Linde. Did you find her?”
“Yeah, but I don’t get why you couldn’t. She’s right there on Anna Maria Island at Cash and Stefan’s mother’s beach house. From what I can figure, she never left there. Why did you send me looking for her if she was right there the whole time?”
Abbi had never left the house. She’d hidden from me and stood by as Alexandria made me believe she wasn’t there. Stunned, I mumbled, “Thanks” and dropped the phone to the floor.
I knew I could go there at that moment and find her, but what good would that do? She didn’t want to be with me now.
* * *
I STOOD on the porch with my heart in my throat as I watched Kane drive away. I’d hidden myself in the next room and listened to everything he’d said to Alexandria as the tears rolled down my cheeks. I knew he loved me, but he deserved better than the life he’d have if he stayed with me.
Alexandria placed her hand on my shoulder. “Did you hear what he said?”
Nodding, I choked back the tears. “Yeah. Everything. Why didn’t you just let me go when I wanted to?”
“I couldn’t let you do that to him. If you did what you planned to, he’d never get over it. You two would never have a chance. I didn’t want to see you do that to him or you.”
I turned around and saw that same sympathetic look she always wore around me. How she could when she knew what I’d wanted to do confused me. “He doesn’t need me or a baby in his life. He deserves to finally be happy, and it’s obvious that can’t happen with me. I just bring misery to him.”
“You underestimate yourself. And him.”
“I still don’t know if I should keep this baby. Nothing’s changed.”
“Abbi, he’s never known love like you gave him.”
“And now because of me he’s killed someone. It was bad enough that he’d hurt others for me, but that…I can’t be the reason someone does that.”
The pain in her expression bothered me. If she felt that way about what I said, what would Kane feel?
“I’m going to let you have some time alone to think about this.”
“Do you hate him like he said?” I asked, needing to know why she would help someone if she didn’t care at all about him.
She smiled and shook her head. “No. Not anymore. I told him the truth. I care about him like I do my own sons.”
“Why?”
Alexandria thought about my question and frowned. “Maybe I think he deserves it. Neither of his parents seemed to care enough about him, so perhaps I should.”
“Is it because he reminds you of Cash since they look so alike?”
“No. He actually looks more like his father than even Cassian does. Maybe that’s why I don’t want to see him lose this chance to be happy. I always did have a soft spot where his father was concerned.”
“Was your husband like him—I mean with the demons like Kane has?” I asked, wanting to know more about his background he’d never really wanted to talk about with me.
“The demons in Kane come from his mother,” Alexandria said sharply as she walked away.
There alone on the porch I looked off in the distance, wanting to see Kane’s car. Had I made a mistake? No, I couldn’t let him stay with me just because of the baby. He deserved the happiness he gave me, and I couldn’t give that to him.
It was better this way.
The first letter came four days later. Alexandria brought it to me as I lay in bed crying with Angel. I knew the minute she held out the envelope that he’d found out where I was. But why hadn’t he come to get me?
She left me alone and with trembling hands, I opened the letter and read the words as the tears rolled down my cheeks.
Angel,
I can’t go on without you. Whatever I need to do to convince you I love you, I’ll do it.
Kane
I wanted to believe I wouldn’t ruin his life, but I couldn’t help thinking I was what brought out those demons in him. Naturally protective, he’d only find more battles to fight with me. I couldn’t do that to him. He deserved to be happy.
That night I cried myself to sleep with Angel cuddled next to me, and the next morning when I awoke there was another letter on my nightstand. I knew he’d been there. Maybe he’d even come to my room while I slept. That he knew where I was and wasn’t coming to get me made me think I was right, no matter what his letter said.
I held the second envelope in my hand, wondering if I should read it at all. What good would any of this do when being with me would only hurt him? I thought of how happy he’d looked that day he showed me our little house, and as my heart broke at how much I missed him and our life, I read his letter.
Angel,
I’m lost without you. Don’t leave me to live this life alone.
Kan
e
I wanted to write back and tell him I was lost without him. I wanted to tell him how I spent every minute of my days missing how it felt when he held me in his arms and protected me from the world and every night I lay in my bed alone wishing he was next to me.
His third letter was waiting for me when I awoke the next day, and I didn’t know how I would go on if he kept breaking my heart. With every word he wrote me, I was beginning to think I’d made a mistake hiding from him.
Abbi,
I can’t go on like this. I know about the baby, but maybe it’s better he or she never knows what I am. I’m sorry.
Kane
Oh, God! How could I spend the rest of my life without him? I turned on my phone to call him and saw dozens of texts, all from him. I read each and every one of them and sobbed as I realized how much he was hurting. I could only hope that it wasn’t too late.
I sat there in bed listening to his phone ring once, twice, three times. Had I waited too long and he’d realized what I’d feared all along? I held my breath as my heart slammed in my chest at the thought that I’d lost him, but finally he answered.
“I miss you, Kane.”
Like hearing my voice was all he needed to be happy, he said quietly, “Abbi…”
I wanted to be next to him, to have his arms around me. “I’m sorry for everything. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just didn’t want to ruin your life.”
“Angel, you could never ruin my life. You are my life.”
My words caught in my throat as I sobbed. “I want to go home to our little house with the squeaky screen door, Kane. Come take me home.”
“Abbi, I’m no good. You don’t need someone like me.”
“Don’t say that! I do! Our baby needs you. I can’t do this without you.”
“What child wants a father like me? Like the kind of man I am?”
The tears streamed down my face as the real fear that I was losing him settled into my heart. “Kane, don’t leave me here all alone without you. I want to come home. Please take me back to our little house.”
The phone stayed silent for so long I wasn’t even sure he was still there, but then he said the words that made me happier than I thought I could ever be again.
“Okay, angel. I’ll take you home.”
Alexandria held my hand as I stood on the front porch waiting for Kane. She hadn’t said anything when I told her it was time for me to go home, but I had a sense that my decision had made her happy. At the sight of Kane’s black Mustang coming down the road toward the house, I squeezed her hand tightly and held Angel to me, suddenly worried about seeing the man I loved again.
“It’s okay, Abbi. He loves you. There’s no reason to be scared.”
I turned to look at her and saw the same sympathy in her dark brown eyes that I’d seen since the night I arrived here. It had been a source of comfort in all the time I stayed at this house, and now it calmed me when I needed it most.
“What if nothing has changed and everything I fear comes true?”
She cradled my cheek and smiled. “Do you love him?”
“I do. I’m only happy when I know he’s happy. That’s love, isn’t it?”
“It is. So if you love him and you’ve accepted who he is, there’s nothing to fear. Once you truly accept who the man you love is, you can handle anything that comes your way.”
“I don’t want to mess this up. Kane’s the best thing to come into my life in a long, long time.”
Alexandria smiled and pulled me close to hug me. “Just be yourself. He loves you, so take one day at a time and stand with him against his demons.”
I could do that.
Straightening my clothes, I watched as the car stopped but Kane wasn’t driving. Stefan got out of the car and walked toward us wearing an expression that told me something was very wrong.
“Why isn’t Kane here? What happened?” I asked frantically.
Alexandria took my hand in hers to calm me, but even she was frightened. “Stefan, why you here?”
“Abbi, I need you to come with me. I’ll tell you everything, but we need to go.”
I read the fear in his eyes and panicked. “What’s happened? Is he alright?”
Stefan forced a smile and nodded. “He’ll be fine. We’ll make sure everything’s taken care of, but for now, I need you to come with me.”
Turning, I looked at Alexandria, my eyes pleading with her to make Stefan answer my questions. She understood instantly, and said, “Stefan, you need to tell her what happened now. She deserves to know.”
He took a deep breath and held out an envelope. “Here. This is for you.”
As Alexandria demanded to know what was going on, I walked away with what I knew was a letter from Kane. My hands trembling, I opened the envelope and began to read his words, my heart breaking with each one.
Dear Abbi,
I wanted to come get you and take you home to our little house, but you and our child are better off without me. That first night we were together I told you I’d hurt you because I hurt everyone. All my life I’ve known I was born to hurt. I can’t change, no matter how much I wish I could.
I’m no good, and you and our child deserve better. I thought life had given me you to show me I wasn’t supposed to be alone, but I messed everything up and that will never change. I’m a murderer. A killer who can’t even say he feels bad about the men he’s killed.
I love you. I never meant to hurt you. It’s just who I am. I’m sorry.
Kane
“Abbi? What is it?” Alexandria asked as I stood stunned by Kane’s goodbye.
“He’s not coming.” I let the letter drop from my hand and covered my face as I sobbed the truth.
“He’s not coming for me.”
“Stefan, what’s going on?”
“I don’t know. All I know is that Cash found that letter under his door at the condo and told me
to come get Abbi and get her back to the house as soon as possible.”
“Where’s Kane?”
“We don’t know. His rooms at the club are locked up. I banged on the door, but got no answer.”
“I want to go there,” I said as I scooped Angel up into my arms. “He’s there and he’s hiding
away from the world. I need to go to him, Stefan.”
“The club is closed, Abbi. The place is just an empty building now.”
“He’s there. I know it. I need to go there.”
I kissed Alexandria goodbye and as I rode off to find the man I loved, I silently promised Kane
I’d be the one person in his life who’d prove to him love didn’t have to hurt.
* * *
I SAT staring at the white cinder block walls of my rooms as the alcohol finally began to take effect after nearly a bottle of whiskey and prayed for some release from my mind’s racing about Abbi and the baby we were having. A tiny voice in my head screamed for me to go to her, but I knew better.
She didn’t need someone like me. I only brought pain, and she didn’t deserve that. And no child deserved a man like me for a father.
Not that I had any real frame of reference for what a good father was. Cassian March III wasn’t exactly the kind of role model a man wanted. A selfish bastard, his claim to fame seemed to be his skill in getting women to fall for his game. I never wanted to be like him.
All I wanted at that moment was to black out so at least I wouldn’t have to feel the pain of not having Abbi by my side or think about all the shit my mind wanted to use to fuck with me tonight. I didn’t need to beat myself up again over the mess my parents had been and why I was like I was. Closing my eyes, I especially tried not to think of my father, but the few memories I had of us together had different ideas about how I should spend my time drunk off my ass.
He stood by a black Mercedes dressed in a grey three piece suit that likely cost more than what my mother made in a month at the diner. Tall with black hair and blue eyes just like me, he’d likely have a hard time conv
incing anyone he and I weren’t father and son.
“Kane,” he said in a deep voice as he waved me toward him.
I didn’t know what to call him. Father sounded wrong, as did dad. Dads tossed baseballs around with their sons in the backyard on sunny Saturday afternoons and taught them how to ride a bike and how to swim. Dads sat at the head of the table for dinnertime and stopped in as you were falling asleep to check up on you.
Cassian March III had never done any of those things with me. He’d never done anything with me in the seventeen years I’d been alive.
I stopped about three feet from him and stood silently, unsure why I was even there with him. We were strangers, brought together by my conviction and my mother’s impending death. Neither was a good reason to start any kind of relationship since neither would lead to anything. For the next four years, I’d be locked up and the woman he’d once loved enough to have a child with would be dead.
Maybe he was hoping for me to say thank you for paying for my lawyer. I had to admit the guy was good. Four years for premeditated murder. I wondered what he’d gotten Cassian March out of if he could do that for me.
“Kane, I’m glad you came, son.”
I felt my eyes grow big at that word. Son. I was that, not that he’d ever noticed much.
“What did you want to see me for?”
My terse answer surprised him, and like mine always did, his eyes grew big for a moment before he regained his composure. “I’m sorry to hear about your mother. I hope she’s not suffering.”
“They have her on strong drugs, so she’s not much of anything anymore.”
His blue eyes so much like mine stared at me, and for a second, I was struck by how much he reminded me of myself. Did my eyes ever look that cold?
“Well, I’m sorry. We may not have been on good terms for a long time, but…”
His sentence faded off, and I couldn’t stop myself from asking, “But what? You loved her? If that was the case, I think you would have wanted to see me before this, or is it that you loved her but didn’t want anything to do with me?”