The Woodsman's Nanny - A Single Daddy Romance

by Emerson Rose

  After those dreams, I would spend days feeling conflicted. It’s difficult knowing that it’s my fault a man isn’t walking the earth anymore. It’s hard to accept that.

  He was scum, there’s no doubt about it, and it was him or us, so you wouldn’t think there would be any guilt on my part.

  There is though. Lots of it.

  My therapist, Dr. McGillicutty, says it’s worse for me due to my lingering feelings of guilt over my parents’ death, which he is teaching me to accept as an accident. He diagnosed me with PTSD and put me on Xanax for anxiety and gave me sleeping pills to help me through the nightmares, but I don’t take any of it. I want to feel like me, and when I take those things, I’m not me.

  “What are your plans for today?” Heather asks, coming to my door. She’s holding a dish towel drying her hands after washing the breakfast dishes. “Mandy and Wes are going to the movies with friends, and Carson is going into the office for a few hours, so I’m free if you’re interested in a hike.”

  Mandy and Wes are my cousins. They’re teenagers now, and it’s weird to see them driving around acting like real members of society instead of the menaces they were when I left for college. Uncle Carson is a lawyer, so he’s gone a lot, and Heather is enjoying having someone to occupy her time. The nest is almost empty, and I think she’s sad that no one needs her as much anymore.

  I don’t have the heart to tell her no. Hiking makes me think of Gage and Adley and thinking of them hurts more than my broken nose ever did.

  “Sure, let me find my boots,” I say. Heather’s face brightens. She’s been trying to get me out of this house since we came home from Colorado.

  I haven’t felt like venturing out with my swollen face and my newfound fear of strangers, but Dr. McGillicutty says it’s important for me to get out.

  When we make it to Indian Rock Park, I start feeling that awful pain in my chest that I get whenever I think about Gage and Adley. The rocks remind me of the mountain and the time I spent there with them. It was the happiest time of my life since my parents died.

  Before Dr. McGillicutty, I would have thought my relationship ended because I was happy, and I don’t deserve to be after what I did to my parents. To be honest, I still have to fight that warped logic. He is teaching me to believe that technically it may have been my fault, I did light the matches after all, but I was a child left unattended, and it could have happened to anyone. Beating myself up for their deaths is ruining my life, and if I want to move on, I have to stop.

  Still, I miss them, and this isn’t how things were supposed to end up. It’s almost spring. If Lenny hadn’t come along, Gage, Adley, and I would be trying to find the perfect place for my summer camp. Adley would be wrapping up her first year of online school and preparing for her first year of real school off the mountain.

  We were supposed to go out to dinner since we never got the chance to go on a first date. We talked about going to the movies and shopping, so many normal things that people take for granted. Those were the things we still hadn’t done. Those are the things we will never do now.

  “You okay over there?” Heather asks touching my shoulder.

  I stop and shade my eyes to look up at the trail ahead. “Yeah, it’s hard, ya know? All this,” I spread my arms. “Reminds me of Gage and Adley.”

  “You miss them, don’t you?”

  Placing my hand over my heart, I close my eyes and try not to cry. “More than you can imagine.”

  Heather wraps me in a hug. “I’m sorry, honey. Trauma like that is difficult to overcome.”

  I step out of her arms and murmur, “Mmm hmm.”

  “Let’s enjoy the fresh air, and if you decide you want to talk about it, let me know. I’m always here for you.”

  “Thank you.” We turn back to the trail and make our way to a picnic spot before I decide to talk. I haven’t told her much about Gage and his situation yet, but it’s time.

  We sit opposite one another at a long picnic table, and I tell her about Gage’s life before his wife died, and how he decided to quit the band. I leave out the part about him blaming himself for Constance’s death. I know how she feels about my own blame game, and I don’t feel like a lecture.

  When I’m finished, she blows out a big breath. “Wow, we all have a story to tell, don’t we?”

  “Yes, and I wanted you to understand why I can’t go back there. I need to let them go back to their life before I came along and messed it up.”

  She raises her eyebrows and removes her elbows from the table where she has been resting them. “You messed it up? I’d say that Lenny person did that not you. In fact, I think you were good for them.”

  “What do you mean? I led the public to him and ended up killing a man who was blackmailing him for it. How is that good for them?”

  “You said he was thinking about letting Adley go to summer camp and normal school. Those are moves in the right direction. I’d say you were a positive influence. Not to mention you saved their lives.”

  “Yeah, I don’t know,” I say getting up and starting back toward the trail.

  Heather follows me hustling to catch up. “Don’t know what?”

  “I don’t know if he wanted to give up his life of solitary. I didn’t mean to influence him that way. I didn’t care if we never left his house on the mountain.”

  “Yes, but you made him see how important it was for his little girl to socialize. Children shouldn’t be held hostage in their homes going to school via computer.” She realizes her poor choice in words as soon as they escape her mouth. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…”

  “It’s all right. I know what you meant, and I agree but, she’s not my child to raise, she’s his.” Saying that hurts. I had begun to feel like Adley’s mother as much as Gage’s girlfriend, and I’d hoped to be there with them for a long time.

  Heather lays her hand on my back and moves it up and down lovingly. “If you love him, don’t give up. Do you see any hope of a future with him?”

  “No. His life is about his daughter, and that’s how it should be.”

  “Says who? You? Doesn’t he get a say in all this?”

  “It’s better this way. He will forget about me, and I don’t want to be a constant reminder of what happened.”

  She shakes her head. “I think you’re wrong. If he loved you, he won’t forget and he damn sure won’t forget you saved his and his daughter’s life.”

  I smile a small, weak smile. “He hasn’t tried to call. He sent all my belongings to Freda’s within days of the kidnapping. Those are pretty clear messages.”

  “Maybe he’s confused. Things were left so unfinished. You should call him, see where his head is at. You’ve both had time to think and work on your feelings. I think you owe it to yourself to talk to him one more time, if for nothing else than closure.”

  “Maybe. For closure. I’ll think about it.”

  She pulls me into a side hug, and I rest my head on her shoulder. “There’s no rush. Just think about it.”

  I agree to thinking about it, but only so we can try to enjoy our hike. I’m not calling Gage. My mind is made up, that brief, beautiful part of my life is over now, and I need to start preparing for my future without them.

  “So, do you want to help me look for a spot for my summer camp?” I ask, and Heather’s eyes light up for the second time today.

  “Of course! When can we start?”

  Not soon enough.

  19

  Gage

  “Daddy, do we have to go home?” Adley asks when we walk out of the movie theater squinting in the bright afternoon sunlight.

  “What else do you have in mind? We should probably get home to let Ollie outside.” Adley has hated being in our home since Lenny died there. She will find any excuse possible to come into town.

  We had to move the computer table into the spare bedroom because she couldn’t concentrate sitting in the room where he was killed. She avoids the couches and fireplace like a senator skirt
s an issue. For now, we spend our time sitting at the kitchen island and hanging out in the music room or my bedroom when we want to watch a movie.

  The doctors say it’s very normal after what she went through. One even suggested I sell the house to make things easier for her, and I’ve considered it. I hired a real estate agent, but I haven’t put it up yet. It’s hard to think of living anywhere else when I’ve put so much work into this place. This house was my refuge from the world after Constance died. It’s where Adley had all of her firsts. It’s where I thought I would live forever.

  I wanted to give her some time and see if she felt differently, but it’s been a month, and she’s just as scared as she was thirty days ago.

  She has nightmares, she won’t go outside without me, she won’t do anything without me, not even go to the bathroom. When I go to the clearing to chop wood, she comes with me. The only time she takes her eyes off me is when I use the bathroom or shower, and even then, she sits outside the door and talks to me.

  I’m afraid it’s time for a change.

  Adley sighs heavily. “Okay.”

  I load her up into the truck feeling the eyes of the people in town on me. They’re still surprised to have an ex-celebrity living in their midst, but they’re getting used to it. We come into town for one thing or another every day so Adley can escape the oppressiveness of her environment at home.

  I’m thankful the news coverage about the kidnapping and Lenny’s death was kept local, and interest subsided quickly. Those first two weeks after the murder, Blue Mountain was a beehive of activity. My identity was revealed locally, but the fallout was minimal as it was shadowed by Lenny’s death.

  My mother has been in contact. Needless to say, she’s beyond hurt, and I’m not sure she will ever forgive me for keeping her granddaughter from her. When she’s had more time, I hope to visit her or have her come to us. It’s way past time for Adley to meet her grandma.

  We are bumping along the road back home when Adley pipes up. “I want to call Clover.”

  This is the first she’s spoken of her since the day she left us. “Why’s that?”

  “I want to tell her I miss her, and I want to say thank you for saving us.”

  Valid reasons, but how do I handle this? I don’t know if she remembers how things were when Clover left. After all, she was in shock.

  “Honey, I’m not sure how Clover feels about us anymore.” I believe in honesty, and that’s as honest as it gets. I have no clue how she’s doing or where she is.

  Freda told me she went back to California with her aunt, but strangely enough, I never asked her where in California she’s from. I still have her phone number, but she made it clear when she left that she was done here.

  “She loves us. She was just scared when she had to go to the hospital is all.”

  “Can I ask you a question?”

  “Uh huh.” She pulls her leg up to turn toward me in her seat.

  “Why did you wait until now to ask to call her?”

  “She was sick. So, can I?” she says like that was a stupid question to ask.

  “I don’t know, baby. I think if she wanted to talk, she would have called us by now. It’s been a month.”

  “Oh. Well, I still wanna call her.”

  “Even if she might not want to talk to you?” I ask knowing the question might hurt but better it be me that hurts her than Clover.

  “She wants to talk to me,” she says, and the confidence in her voice surprises me.

  “How do you know?”

  “I just do.”

  “I’ll think about it then.”

  “Thank you, Daddy.”

  “You’re welcome, baby.”

  We pull into the garage, and I can hear Ollie barking from inside the house. He is excited that we’re home, but his barking unnerves Adley. She associates it with him protecting us from Lenny. I have to give her a piggyback ride into the house whenever we get home and check every room before she can fully relax.

  “All aboard,” I say opening her door. She crawls on my back, and we proceed into the kitchen where we are met by an overly excited Ollie. “Hey, boy, how’s my favorite dog?” He jumps up planting his paws on my abs, and I scratch his ears while Adley slides down.

  “Ready?” she says taking my hand to lead me around the house. We check each room by going in and looking around. At least we aren’t checking closets and under the bed anymore. Her therapist has convinced her that’s not necessary, which is a good thing because it took a good forty-five minutes to sweep the house every day when we were doing that.

  I had a new security system installed. Not that the old one had anything to do with the kidnapping. We weren’t even using it when she was taken. That’s not how we operate anymore. Doors are locked at all times, and the security system is always set.

  “Now what? Do you want to play a game?” I ask.

  “I want to call Clover.”

  “I’m still thinking about it, baby. You just asked me five minutes ago.”

  She shrugs her shoulder as if to say, oh well, I had to try. “Okay, what game?”

  “Well, we don’t have enough to play Spades so how about Rummy?”

  “I’ll get the cards.”

  I sit at the island in the kitchen staring at my phone on the counter. Should I just let her call Clover and get it over with? I know she’s not going to let this go. It’s not in her nature to give up. Part of me wants her to do it because despite the way she left, I miss the shit out of her.

  Everywhere I look, there are memories. Kissing her, holding her hand, talking for hours, learning what an exceptional person she is, how much she loved music, my music in particular.

  If there were ever a perfect match for me, it was Clover. Maybe I should have fought harder for her? I could have ignored her request to go to the hospital alone. I could have been pushy and arrogant and insisted she stay in our lives. Why didn’t I?

  Because she pushed me away. I could make the excuse that Adley needed me more, but that would be a lie. They both needed me, and I failed Clover.

  I failed Clover. The words roll around in my head like towels in the dryer, and I stare out the floor-to-ceiling windows in the living room out over the mountainside. I failed Constance when she was alive, and now she’s gone forever. There’s no way to make that right. I can’t let that happen again.

  I’m going to let Adley call Clover when she comes back downstairs. No, I’m going to call Freda and find out where she lives, and I’m going to take Adley to talk to Clover in person. I’m going to fight for what I want instead of letting it float away. I’m done hiding. I’m going to make her understand just how much I love and care for her.

  I walk into my office and close the door halfway to call Freda. She answers on the first ring.

  “What’s up, sexy mountain man?” she says as a greeting, and I chuckle.

  “Freda, I need you to tell me where Clover is staying with her aunt.”

  “Why?”

  “I’m going to tell her I love her.”

  “It’s ‘bout time, ya fool. She’s in Berkeley. She never told ya where she was from?”

  “No, she said California, but the town never came up in conversation.”

  She scoffs and clucks her tongue. “Well, it shoulda, those are the kind of things people should know about.”

  “You’re right. There are a lot of things we need to talk through.”

  “I’ll text you her address.”

  “Thank you, Freda.”

  “Don’t be thankin’ me. Go get that girl and tell her ya love her cuz if you hurt her, I’ll chop your…”

  “I get it, I get it, no need for that. I swear on my crown jewels I’m not going to hurt her.”

  “Good boy, now go.” She disconnects the call, and I hold the phone away from me chuckling. That woman is bat-shit crazy for sure.

  “Daddy?” Adley says from the door.

  “Yeah, baby?”

  “Are we playing or not?�
��

  “Not.” Her face falls, and I feel bad for teasing her. “We’re going on a trip instead.”

  Her eyes pop, and the smile that spreads across her face could light the world. “Where?”

  “To California to see Clover.” I wait for the explosion of excitement but not for long.

  “We get to see her? Are we gonna bring her home with us? Are we going on a plane?” She squeals jumping up and down clapping her hands.

  “Yes, I don’t know, and yes to your questions. She doesn’t know we’re coming, and as I said before, I don’t know how she feels about us anymore, but I think it’s important to go and find out face to face.”

  “What ‘bout people seeing you and stuff?”

  “I don’t care anymore, baby. It’s time to come out of hiding and see what the world has to say about it.”

  She tucks her chin down and raises her eyebrows. “Really?”

  “Yep, really. Let’s go get packed.”

  “I don’t have a suitcase.”

  “You don’t need one, rock stars pack duffle bags.”

  “I’m not a rock star, silly.”

  “No, but you’re the daughter of one, and you’re going to be one someday, so you might as well know how to pack like one.”

  “You’re going to let me play the guitar now, too?”

  I shrug. Why keep fighting the inevitable? She’s got more talent in her pinky finger than most musicians today and making it forbidden suddenly seems unimportant. “Yep, but I don’t want you to give up on the piano, okay?”

  “Okay!” She rushes me and squeezes my legs tight. I smooth her hair back when she looks up at me.

  “Hurry now, I’m going to book us a flight and see if Jerry can watch after Ollie while we’re gone.”

  She takes off up the stairs, and I smile feeling like this is the first thing I’ve done since the kidnapping that’s really right.

  And then I head upstairs to find my beard clippers and prepare to do something that’s long overdue. If I’m going to out myself, I may as well do it right and shave off this mask I’ve been hiding behind for six long years.