Warriors in Winter

by Michelle Willingham

  He cradled her with one arm, reaching the other hand across her throat, lower, beneath the neckline of her gown. ‘I want to touch you, Adriana,’ he murmured in a low voice, ‘there, if you’ll allow it.’

  To show her what he meant, he slid his hand beneath the wool, finding the silk of her shift. Warm hands covered the curve of her breast, and she closed her eyes against the dark fears returning. As his hand caressed her, she felt the answering ache between her legs.

  The urge to tell him no, to push him back, was at her lips. All she had to do was speak her desire, and he would stop. He would, without question.

  But she hated to deny him this, when he’d kept the boundaries between them for so long. As her intended husband, he had the right to worship her body, and she knew he was trying to kindle her desire.

  He bared her breast, and the nipple tightened in the frigid air before his mouth came down upon it. His tongue swirled across the tight bud, and she couldn’t stop the cry of shock that came from her mouth.

  ‘Am I hurting you?’ he whispered upon her skin.

  ‘No.’ She gripped his head with both hands, torn between the burgeoning sensations and the dark memories that ripped through her. Of being trapped, forced to endure a man’s touch that she didn’t want. Knowing that she’d betrayed the man she loved with all her soul.

  She didn’t deserve to be Liam’s wife. Though she’d tried to justify her actions, he would never understand if he learned the truth. Emotions swelled up inside her, but she pushed them back. She’d earned every nightmare, and no matter how this man might love her, her guilty sins were an acid eating away at her conscience.

  ‘I want to be inside you, Adriana,’ he said, moving his hips against hers so that she felt his arousal intimately. ‘But only when you’re ready.’ His hands moved lower, toward the hem of her skirt, and this time, she stopped him.

  ‘Not here,’ she murmured.

  His expression was torturous, but he drew her bodice higher. ‘I know you’re right.’ He kissed her again as he helped her up. ‘It wasn’t wise of me to start this.’

  She took a breath, brushing off the powdery snow. ‘I do love you, mi vida,’ she said.

  Deep inside, she pushed away the darkness, refusing to let it haunt her. Liam was her future now, and she wanted to be his wife in every way. Even if it meant facing her worst fear of all.

  ‘Tomorrow night, upon the solstice,’ she promised. ‘Find a way for us to be alone.’ The gauntlet was dropped, and she would somehow drive away the demons with the man she loved.

  She had to.

  One day later

  The night of Meán Geimhridh was crisp and cool. Although many had risen at dawn to mark the beginning of the winter solstice, most of the MacEgans preferred to use the long night for their own celebration.

  Liam walked amid friendly faces, accepting the greetings with his own smile. But inwardly, he was eager to be with Adriana. After all the months they’d spent together, he’d already begun to think of her as his wife. Though her parents would come to negotiate the terms of the betrothal, it was inevitable that they would marry. She would live with him and in time, they would have children of their own.

  He craved a normal life, one without the responsibilities of being a king. When he glanced up at his father’s castle, in so many ways the stone walls felt like a prison awaiting him. Upon his skin, the ridged scars prickled at the memory of the last time he’d led a dozen men into battle.

  Every last one of them had died, and he’d been the only survivor. He couldn’t help but wonder, if he’d made different decisions, would they have lived?

  If he led MacEgans into a raid here, the same might happen. Only this time, he’d have to live with the grief of their widows, knowing that he was to blame for their deaths.

  No, he wanted no part of the kingship.

  As he entered the Great Chamber, the noise of music, storytelling, and conversation wove around him. Adriana stood near the dais with her brother, while many of his uncles and aunts gathered around. Platters of fish and roasted fowl filled the air with mouthwatering scents, but every thought fled when he caught a glimpse of his bride.

  She wore a gown of blue silk, a colour that contrasted against her dark hair and olive skin. A sapphire pendant nestled in the hollow of her throat, hanging from a string of pearls. She stood beside her brother, and though she held herself with confidence, he could see beneath her façade to the nervousness beneath it.

  He hoped it was only her uncertainty around strangers and not her fear of the coming night. Now that they were home, he longed to hold her in his arms at night, to soothe her nightmares until she finally felt safe again.

  Liam crossed through the crowd of people, plucking a sprig of white berries from a garland of greenery. ‘You look beautiful,’ he greeted Adriana, leaning in to kiss her cheek. Her brother nodded a greeting and wisely departed to leave them alone. ‘Are you enjoying yourself?’

  ‘I’ve never seen so many people in one place,’ she admitted. ‘It’s overwhelming.’

  ‘I’ve a gift for you.’ He pressed the berries into her palm.

  ‘Mistletoe?’ she queried.

  ‘In case you need a reason to kiss me.’

  He almost got a laugh from her at that, but her brown eyes held merriment. ‘Do you think I’ll need a reason?’

  ‘It’s possible. It’s always a good idea to be prepared.’

  She took the mistletoe and tucked it into her hair, leaning forward to kiss him. Liam then led her up the stairs to sit beside his mother, Isabel. Although she gave them both a warm smile, he noticed that the queen was picking at her food, and her face held a wan quality he hadn’t seen before.

  ‘Are you feeling all right?’ he asked.

  ‘You needn’t worry,’ Isabel answered. ‘I’ve been tired over the past few weeks, that’s all.’

  But when Liam glanced across at his father, there was a new worry lurking behind the king’s eyes. Something else was wrong, though Patrick hadn’t spoken of it.

  * * *

  The festivities continued and after they ate, Liam led Adriana over to listen to Trahern telling stories. His uncle was taller than his other brothers, nearly a giant among them. But he was a gifted bard, and he lifted his youngest son upon his knee as he wove a tale about a brave knight.

  ‘The evil spirits clouded his judgement,’ Trahern said, ‘and he could not see that those he loved were trying to protect him. He picked up an enchanted sword and raised it against his own blood.’

  ‘Did he kill them?’ the young boy asked, his eyes wide.

  ‘He nearly slew his own beloved wife. But with her voice, she spoke to him, reminding him of her love. She wove her own spell and broke through his darkness. The sword fell from his hands and disappeared into a wisp of smoke.’ Trahern reached down to take his wife’s hand, smiling at her. ‘The enchantment was broken, and they lived and grew old together.’

  ‘Just as we will,’ Liam whispered, squeezing Adriana’s hand. But instead of returning his smile, her expression held uncertainty. He dismissed it, telling himself that it was only the exhaustion haunting her and not a fear of their life together.

  As the celebration continued, it was time for the women’s competition. His aunts took Adriana among them, but Liam noticed the absence of his mother. Isabel sat beside Patrick, and though she normally would have participated with the others, it was the first time he’d seen her refuse.

  He was so distracted by it, he didn’t notice the women pairing off. Each would fight an opponent for the right to choose one of the men. And before long, he saw Adriana in front of a fair-haired woman. She glanced at her adversary, as if uncertain of what to do.

  Liam hid his smile. He knew, full well, what she was up to. Adriana would hide her skill in an effort to find the other woman’s weakness. And just as he’d predicted, when the woman tried to grab Adriana, she avoided her, lifting her skirts slightly. The young woman grinned, winking at Adriana’s brother
. No doubt she believed the win would come easily.

  But when she dived at Adriana, his bride seized the woman’s hair and jerked it back, taking command of the fight. She stood there, her expression calm as she used her strength to hold her opponent helpless.

  ‘She’s good,’ Ewan remarked, moving closer. ‘I like her.’

  ‘So do I. And it’s good that you’re already married, Uncle.’

  The older man grinned, crossing his arms. ‘Honora would kill any woman who dared to look my way. I suspect your bride would do the same.’

  Liam didn’t answer, for he was concentrating on the fight. The fair-haired woman was struggling hard to free herself, but Adriana pinned her to the ground while the others cheered. At last she was declared the winner, and she rose with the calmness of a lady instead of a fighter.

  Although another fight began, Liam only had eyes for his bride. He’d promised to find a way for them to be alone...and tonight, he wanted no one but Adriana.

  She sent him a tentative smile, raising her arms around his neck to mark him as her choice. Liam claimed her mouth in a kiss while around them, the others shouted their approval.

  He took her hand in his, while inwardly, he was nervous about the approaching night. He’d touched women before, but never had he made love to one. Adriana’s decision to be with him tonight was one that had surprised him. But he wasn’t about to turn her away, not as badly as he wanted her. There were still ways to make it appear that she was a virgin upon their wedding night.

  He led her up the winding stone staircase to the chamber he’d shared with the other men. When he closed the door behind them, Adriana eyed the space. ‘Will they return?’

  ‘I bribed them to find beds elsewhere.’ And the men hadn’t minded, for they had hoped to be with their own women this night. His bride sent him a faltering smile, but there was nothing but fear upon her face.

  ‘Are you certain you want to do this?’ he asked her with concern.

  * * *

  No. No, she wasn’t at all ready to lie with him. But it was the only way Adriana could think of to permanently seal away the past. She didn’t at all want to ruin their wedding night by panicking. If there was any way at all to overcome her fears, she would do it.

  ‘Sí,’ she whispered, offering an assent she didn’t truly feel. Inside, her heart was bruised and burdened with guilt over what she’d done in the past. But he need never know it.

  Without a hearth in this room, it was cold. There was a stone oil lamp in one corner offering a little light, but most of the room was darkened in shadows. The wind rattled against the shutters, and Adriana moved forward to adjust them. Outside, she glimpsed the softly falling snow. Liam came up behind her, wrapping his arms around her shoulders. Against her ear lobe, he murmured, ‘I’ll make you happy, Adriana. I promise you that.’

  ‘You already do.’

  His hands moved down to her waist, while he kissed the side of her throat. Adriana closed the shutters and then leaned back against Liam, allowing him to touch her as he wanted to.

  He turned her to kiss him, and she surrendered to the familiar embrace, trying to still the rapid beating of her heart. But when his kiss deepened, his tongue sliding inside her mouth, she felt herself freezing up. It was as if she were standing outside herself, a shell of a woman with no ability to feel anything.

  Liam led her to the single bed within the room. He removed his tunic, and in the dim light of the oil lamp, she saw the scars lining his back. Though she’d seen them before, it still hurt to look at them.

  ‘I want you to lie down first,’ she bade him, rising to her feet. ‘Let me touch you.’

  It was easier this way, for she was not at all afraid of showing him her love. Adriana guided him to rest on his stomach, and she sat beside him on the narrow bed, her hands moving to his neck. She massaged the tension, moving down to his shoulders. Though it had been over a year since his torture, the scars were still red, angry ridges that covered his back.

  ‘Am I hurting you?’

  ‘No.’ He lay motionless as she touched the healed wounds, replacing her fingers with her mouth to kiss him. With each touch of her lips, it was a plea for forgiveness, to somehow let go of the guilt and find her own redemption.

  ‘Te amo,’ she whispered. For she did love him, no matter what had happened.

  Liam turned at that, and sat up. In his grey eyes, she saw the primal need. ‘Your turn.’

  He stood and she acquiesced, allowing him to unlace her gown. Adriana’s breath caught as he lowered it down her shoulders, then her shift, until she lay bared from the waist up. She lay upon the coverlet, hiding her breasts from view, but when his hands moved to her back, she bit her lip against his sensual touch.

  Gather your wits, she ordered herself. Liam was only trying to do the same for her that she’d done for him. As his hands caressed her skin, he kissed her shoulders, his mouth travelling down her spine.

  ‘I want you like nothing I’ve ever wanted this badly in my life,’ he admitted. He turned her to the side, his body pressed against her back. When his palm covered her bare breast, she inhaled a gasp. Immediately, her mind filled up with the horrors of that night. Of being forced against her will, of a man touching her in a way she didn’t want him to. All to save Liam’s life.

  You had no choice, her conscience reminded her. She prayed that was true. Every memory of that terrible night burned within her.

  When his fingers plucked her nipple, drawing out sensations of arousal, her body tightened with fear. Her eyes filled up with tears, but she tried to steady her feelings.

  It had been so dark that night, so many months ago. She hadn’t seen the king’s face, for he’d come to her in the shadowed tent. There had been another man there, possibly a guard or a witness.

  The shame broke through her, and oh, God, she didn’t want to remember this. Her eyes blurred, and the more Liam touched her with love, the more she hated herself. Inside, she was suffocating, not gaining any pleasure at all from the man she cared about.

  She needed him to finish it, and she would simply endure it. Holding back the tears, she rolled to her back. ‘Come inside me,’ she whispered.

  Instead, he stopped and demanded, ‘Adriana, look into my eyes.’

  She took long, slow breaths until she was able to do so without crying. Though she was exposed to him, he no longer touched her. Instead, there was an expression she’d never seen before in his eyes.

  Suspicion.

  ‘That’s not the sort of man I am, Adriana. You know this.’

  Through glassy eyes, she took another breath and tried to smile. He bent down, taking her into his arms until her breasts were pressed against his chest. ‘Do you think I don’t see your fear?’

  His hands came to her face, and at his kindness, she couldn’t stop the tears from escaping. A sob broke forth, and she drew her knees in, unable to face him.

  Though he tried to comfort her, she broke free of his arms and stood up. Unable to speak, she fumbled with her clothes, trying to dress herself again. ‘I’m sorry. I thought I could, but—’

  He grew quiet as he helped her draw the laces tight. ‘It’s all right. We’ll wait.’

  She reached out to him, burying her face against his chest while he held her. For a long time, he said nothing at all, merely stroking her hair back.

  But she could feel his qualms rising. And there were no words to dispel them.

  Chapter Two

  Early the next morning, Liam walked alone in the castle grounds. The faintness of smoke clung to the air, while men and women slept within their homes. He didn’t doubt that for many of the couples, new children would be born next autumn.

  But not for himself or Adriana. He’d thought about it all last night, unable to sleep. She’d asked him to arrange the time alone, only to start crying when he’d touched her as a lover would. It had startled him when she’d asked him to take her, as if he were nothing but an animal with no concern at all for her pleas
ure.

  As if she’d not wanted to feel any sort of desire.

  It made little sense at all. He paced across the training ground, needing the physical exertion to take his mind off the sense that something was wrong. Had he done something to hurt her without meaning to?

  At the far end of the inner bailey, he spied his Uncle Trahern and his wife, Morren, approaching. The pair of them were smiling at one another, while Morren held their sleeping four-year-old son in her arms.

  The fist of longing gripped him in the heart, for this was the way he wanted it to be with Adriana. The two of them, sharing the joy of being together as a family.

  Trahern greeted him with a warm smile. ‘It’s early, Liam. Shouldn’t you be with your bride?’

  He didn’t know how to respond to that, but gave a shrug. Trahern kissed his wife and whispered to her a moment before Morren departed with their son. ‘Come and walk with me, lad.’

  Though he hadn’t been a lad in many years, Liam followed his uncle. ‘You’re looking restless, as if you want to spar. Am I right?’

  ‘I wouldn’t mind it.’ He faced off against the older man and drew his sword. Though Trahern’s height towered over him by a full head, the man’s Viking heritage was to blame for it. His uncle circled him slowly, eyeing him with interest.

  ‘Did you learn anything in the Holy Land? I’ve heard the Saracens are strong fighters.’

  ‘So they are. I was lucky to come home alive.’

  ‘And we were glad of it as well. Your mother especially.’ Trahern thrust the weapon toward him, and Liam parried it with a strong block. ‘But war changes you, doesn’t it?’

  He could only nod, swinging his sword as Trahern raised his own weapon in defence. The months he’d spent in the Holy Land had not been like anything he’d expected. ‘It was like fighting within fire,’ he admitted. ‘The sand would sting my eyes, and the heat burned my armour. Even with the padding, the metal burned all of us.’

  ‘And what of your lady? What brought her on Crusade?’