Lyin' Like a Dog, The Yankee Doctor, The Danged Swamp! 3-Volume set

by Richard Mason

  “Get down, boys! They’re shooting at us!”

  Sergeant Morrison slid the car to a stop, jumped out, and pulled his gun outta his holster. It wasn’t but a few seconds until all the cars had pulled up and the sheriff’s men and the rest of the state troopers headed for the shed we could see on the ridge ahead. Heck, we was so excited that we jumped out and ran along with Sergeant Morrison. That is until the shooting started up again. Wow, we were just hightailing it along when those sorry guys up ahead of us started blasting away, and bullets were tearing up limbs and hitting in the dirt where we were running. Heck, I jumped behind the biggest tree I could find and looked around to see what was happening. Well, a man ahead of us started running back toward the shed, and another man was at the shed with a gun. Both of them were shooting at the state troopers. Gosh, in about two seconds everybody started shooting, and the man that was running screamed and fell. Then the man up by the shed held up his hands, and it was all over.

  The sheriff’s men and the state troopers ran for the shed, and we followed right behind them. There were two other men at the shed holding their hand up when the state troopers ran up. In just a few minutes they had all the men in handcuffs―even the man they had shot, who was only wounded in the leg. I stood there a few minutes and then I noticed the man called Tony wasn’t there. I figured he might be hiding somewhere so I ran over to where Sergeant Morrison was finishing up handcuffing one of the men. I recognized him.

  “Sergeant Morrison, that’s the man that shot Swampy and the other man.” I pointed to the man Sergeant Morrison had just handcuffed. “And the man they called Tony ain’t here, but his car’s over there.”

  Well, that kicked off a search of the building and in a few minutes I heard one of the sheriff’s deputy’s yell, “Here he is!” Sure enough the deputy had found Tony hiding under the desk in the little office shed.

  Gosh, in a few minutes the State Police and the sheriff’s deputies were smashing the still and pouring out all the moonshine. The moonshiners was put in two of the State Police cars, and soon we were all headed to El Dorado.

  “Boys,” said Sergeant Morrison, “I’ll take you back to Norphlet as soon as we get the prisoners delivered to the county jail. I think there might be something good in this for y’all.”

  I looked at John Clayton, and he looked at me.

  It didn’t take but a few minutes to drive the five miles into El Dorado, and soon we were standing out by the side door of the courthouse watching the state trooper bring in the bootleggers. Heck, it was exciting! Newspaper reporters were even taking pictures and interviewing the state troopers. The bootleggers was carried in to see a judge, and I thought we’d be heading back to Norphlet in a few minutes, but then Sergeant Morrison walked over to us.

  “Boys, come inside; the Federal Marshal wants to talk have a word with both of you.”

  “What?” ’Course, just the thought of having a federal marshal talk to us sent chills down my back, but, heck, before I knew it, we were standing there in front of the marshal’s desk.

  “Marshal Perkins, this is Richard Mason and John Clayton Reed from Norphlet. They found the still, and they’re responsible for the arrest of the bootleggers, and the men who we believed committed two murders.”

  The marshal smiled and reached across the desk to shake our hands.

  “Boys, let me congratulate you for one of the most successful raids we’ve carried out in the past ten years. Not only did we apprehend a nest of bootleggers, but―with your help―we solved two murders.”

  ’Course, we were just beaming, and the reporter covering the arrest of the bootleggers came over and took our pictures.

  “Well, if we had more citizens with the courage you boys have, I think our crime rate would go down dramatically.” Then the marshal opened his desk drawer and pulled out a big folder and opened it. “I don’t think you boys know anything about this, but there’s a five-hundred-dollar reward for the arrest of the men who murdered two fellows we found floating in the Ouachita River.”

  “What?” I gasped.

  “Yes, son, the government has authorized me to give a reward for the arrest of the person or persons responsible for the two murders. You boys have probably solved the case, and I’m going to give you each a two-hundred-and-fifty-dollar check right now. Now, what are your names again?”

  Well, we were so shock outta our gourds we could hardly say a word, but we did finally mumble our names and the marshal made out the checks and handed them to us, and the newspaper reporter took our picture.

  Sergeant Morrison drove us home, and all the way back to Norphlet we laughed and talked about what we were going to do with all that money. Heck, the upside-down funny book mess, all them bee stings, and Uncle Hugh’s funeral just went right outta our minds.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  Getting Even

  The next day was Saturday and I couldn’t wait to deliver them papers. I ran into Doc’s newsstand a little before five and grabbed up a paper.

  “Look at this, Doc! Me and John Clayton’s picture is right on the front page!”

  “Richard, that’s just great, but you boys aren’t going to get grown if you don’t stay out of trouble. What if those bootleggers had seen you? They might have just shot you like they did those other two men.”

  “Heck, Doc, me and John Clayton are just like two Indian scouts. They’d have never seen or heard us.”

  Well, Doc just shook his head like he always did when we got into stuff, and threw the bundle of papers over to me.

  Shoot, I was just skipping along, throwing them papers and having the best time thinking about what I was gonna do with more money than I’d ever had in my whole entire life. Heck, all kinda things popped into my brain; a new bicycle was sure first on the list so I wouldn’t hafta walk the paper route. Well, everything was going just perfect, and I was so excited that I ran the whole danged paper route because I sure couldn’t wait to walk on the schoolyard and see everybody. I especially wanted to snub that stuck-up Rosalie, who’d dropped me as her boyfriend after the upside-down funny book turned out to be worth nothing.

  Well, I finished the route in nearly record time, and I was just skipping along the road walking back to my house still thinking about stuck-up Rosalie and having the last laugh. Heck, I know getting even ain’t really church-like, but sometimes it really feels good. I had my mind on everything but where I was walking when I glanced down.

  “Ah! A danged snake!”

  Well, my foot was coming down on that snake when I saw it, and I jumped at least three feet. Heck, I knew it was a copperhead in a second, and I started looking for a stick to pound it. Then I noticed it wasn’t moving, and I took a closer look.

  “The danged thing’s dead,” I mumbled. A car had run over its head and smashed it, but other than that the snake looked just like it was alive. I turned it over and held it up by its tail.

  Sometimes I get thoughts that I know are straight from the devil because while I was holding that snake up, I thought about Rosalie and getting even. Then I had the plan in my mind. I guess I’m trying to say I ain’t really that bad, but I just can’t help myself when I think of a real good trick. Heck, everybody in our class knows Rosalie is so a-sacred of snakes she won’t even open the World Book to a picture of a snake. I looked around until I found a paper sack and then I put the snake in the sack and headed home.

  Since I’d run the paper route, I was early going to school, and I slipped into our classroom before anyone arrived. I sat down at my desk and pulled out my Big Chief Tablet, tore off a sheet, and wrapped the snake in a neat little sack-like holder. I took some paste and glued the sides together and wrote “Surprise!” on the front. Then I went to Rosalie’s desk, opened the top, and placed the sack on top of her history book. Well, yeah, I did have second thoughts, but then I thought about how she’d dropped me and was just being nice to me because she thought we were gonna be rich, and then I got mad all over again. I closed Rosalie’s desk, ki
nda grinned, and headed for the schoolyard.

  Well, ’course, me and John Clayton were strutting around like real big shots, and I saw Rosalie walking toward me just smiling up a storm. I tuned my back on her and walked over to Connie.

  “Richard, that was great what you and John Clayton did. I’m so proud of you.”

  ‘Well, thanks, Connie.”

  The bell rang, and, I’d been so busy talking to Connie, that I’d almost forgotten about the snake in Rosalie’s desk. We walked into class and as I stood there I knew right then and there I’d done too much. Heck, I started feeling sweat pop out on my forehead, and I was about to try and stop the trick from happening, but then Mrs. Smith said, “Class be seated, and take out your history books.”

  I sat down and was about to raise my hand. Heck, the snake trick was a real bad

  idea, but before I could get Mrs. Smith’s attention, I saw Rosalie raise her desk, look at the sack marked “Surprise,” take it out of her desk, and start to pull it open. Heck, I stopped breathing and I was praying Rosalie would just yell and throw the snake on the floor.

  Oh, God, please! I prayed, but God must have been busy or something ’cause He didn’t answer that prayer. No, not even close.

  Rosalie pulled off the last of the paper and reached in to pull out what was inside. She looked kinda funny, and then, wow!!

  “Ahaaaaaaa! Eyeeeeeeeee! Eeeeeeeeee! Eeeeeeeeeee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee!

  I’ve heard a lot of people scream before, but in my whole entire life I’ve never heard nothing that loud. Well, as she screamed and jumped up from her desk, Rosalie threw the snake straight up, and before Naomi could move, it landed in her lap. Well, Naomi ain’t a-scared of snakes, but she danged sure didn’t want a snake in her lap, so she just said, “Yuck!” and gave that snake a sling.

  Rosalie was still just hysterical, dancing around screaming and yelling like it was the end of the world, but the whole danged mess wasn’t near over, and I’m telling ya, believe it or not, when Naomi slung that snake, it looked like it had eyes because it headed straight for Mrs. Smith. ’Course, I was just petrified at everything that was happening, but John Clayton and the rest of the class were just outta their minds laughing.

  Well, Mrs. Smith saw the snake coming, and I saw her jaw drop. That snake hit her right below her chin and for just a second she had a snake necklace. ’Course, the snake didn’t stay around her neck; it slid down across her bosoms, and then, whoa, look out! Heck, an eleven-year-old girl might let out one loud scream, but you ain’t heard nothing until you’ve heard a big lady who sings in the church choir let loose.

  “Eyeeeeeeeeeeeee! Eyeeeeeeeeeee! Ahaaaaaaaaaaa!”

  She was so loud that the class just leaned back in their chairs like a big wind was blowing. Shoot, I wanted to run, but then I thought, No evidence; they can’t prove nothin’. I’ll never in a million, million years admit I did that.

  Well, it took a few minutes for Rosalie and Mrs. Smith to calm down, and Rosalie gave me one of them hard looks that if looks could kill I’d be dead as that snake. Heck, I just shook my head and shrugged my shoulders like I had no idea what or who did that. They can’t prove nothin’. It’s the perfect crime. Yeah, I was feeling a little better because John Clayton kinda nodded and grinned like he thought it was a real good trick, and he knew I’d done it.

  “Somebody get rid of that snake!” said Mrs. Smith in a real shaky voice.

  I jumped up, grabbed the snake by the tail, and dropped it in the wastebasket by the door.

  “Class, I want the person who put the snake in Rosalie’s desk to come with me to the office!”

  Well, there weren’t no way on god’s green earth I was gonna just stand up and confess. Heck, a trip to the principal’s office would be an automatic paddling, and I’d probably be sent home. I’ll never confess and she can’t prove nothin’, I thought.

  ’Course, Mrs. Smith knew her students, and she eliminated most of ’em real quick, especially the girls, and then it was down to me, John Clayton, and Ears. You know, I guess when you’re innocent, you can answer all them questions a lot easier than if you know you’re lyin’ like a dog. After about five minutes of Mrs. Smith’s questions, I knew she had me. Heck, I know she could see “liar, liar, liar,” all over me, and after Ears and John Clayton promised on a stack of Bibles that they didn’t have nothing to do with the trick, she really lit into me. Gosh, after about another two minutes of that everybody in the class was sure I did it, and Rosalie looked back at me, nodding her head like “You’re gonna get it now.” I was just about to break down and confess when Mrs. Smith said, “Just a minute, Richard; I’ll get back to you.”

  Then Mrs. Smith walked back to where Connie was sitting.

  “Connie, you were the only person in the classroom when I came to school this morning. Did you see anyone, or have anything to do with the snake in Rosalie’s desk?”

  ’Course, I knew Connie didn’t have nothing to do with that danged snake trick, and I figured she’d be just like John Clayton and Ears and deny everything, but she was real quiet and didn’t answer Mrs. Smith.

  “Connie, answer me!” Mrs. Smith said real sternly.

  Connie still didn’t say a word, and I wondered what in the heck was going on. Shoot, I figured maybe she did see me and just didn’t wanna tell Mrs. Smith.

  Well, the class was buzzing now, and Mrs. Smith started really honing in on Connie, who now had dropped her head and wouldn’t even look at Mrs. Smith.

  Then, I heard Connie say, “Yes, I did it.”

  “Connie, I’m surprised you’d do such a thing. Come with me, we’re going to the principal’s office.”

  I was beginning to just choke. Heck, I knew durn well I had to do something. Finally, I stood up just as Mrs. Smith and Connie were about to leave the class.

  “Wait, Mrs. Smith.”

  Mrs. Smith and Connie stopped in the doorway and I took a deep breath. Heck, I was about to do something that I thought I’d never do―confess.

  “Connie didn’t do it; I did.”

  Mrs. Smith looked real puzzled because now she had two kids that had confessed to the same trick.

  I reached down and pulled my Big Chief Tablet outta of my desk and held it up for Mrs. Smith to see.

  “See this ragged edge where I tore a sheet out? That’ll match the page the snake was wrapped in.”

  Mrs. Smith walked over to where Rosalie had slung the paper, picked it up, and took the tablet outta my hand. ’Course, it matched perfectly.

  “Connie, go sit back down. I don’t know what to make of this.”

  But then she grabbed me by the shoulder, “Richard, follow me to the principal’s office.”

  Well, let me tell you something right now. That walk to the principal’s office is kinda like the one them criminals on death row have to take in the picture shows. Shoot, I was not breathing, sweat was popping out on my forehead, and my knees was shaking so badly I could hardly walk.

  Soon we were standing in Mr. Freeman’s office and Mrs. Smith was telling him about the snake trick. I thought I caught a hint of a smile from Mr. Freeman and that made me feel a little better, ’cause I figured Mr. Freeman had been a boy a long time ago, and he’d have thought that snake trick was pretty good. Well, Mr. Freeman said, “Mrs. Smith, you may return to your classroom. I’ll take care of this matter.”

  Well, that’s what Mr. Freeman always says right before he pulls out that big paddle, and I was kinda resigned to a small paddling ’cause now Mr. Freeman was kinda kidding around about the trick like it really was funny. Then he grinned and said, “What girl’s desk did you put the snake in?”

  Well, that question just threw me into a panic because Rosalie’s daddy is president of the school board.

  Heck, I mumbled something like, “A girl sittin’ up front.”

  “What girl? What’s her name?”

  “Uh, well, uh…”

  “Richard! What’s her name?”

  “Rosalie.”


  “Not Rosalie Davis?”

  You know, I’ve said “Yes, sir” so many times, but getting a “Yes, sir” outta my mouth right then was more than I could do. Well, Mr. Freeman knew for danged sure it was Rosalie Davis now, and I could see fire in his eyes.

  “The president of the school board’s daughter! You put a snake in the desk of the president’s daughter?”

  Heck, none of them questions needed an answer, so I knew, unless Jesus decided to come right then and there, I was gonna hear Mr. Freeman say, “Bend over and grab your ankles!” and he did, and then he whacked me so hard with that paddle I could see stars, but that weren’t all.

  “I’m sending you home for the day with this note to your dad. Be sure he gets it.”

  Mr. Freeman put down a few comments about the snake trick…you know enough to get me trashed again when I got home and handed me the note, and I started walking home.

  Yeah, just like I figured, I handed Daddy the note and then went to cut him a switch. After the switching, I had to go work in the barn, and then Daddy left at two- thirty for the evening shift at the refinery, and Momma went to town for groceries. Shoot, I was outta that yard and headed for the school at a trot. There was someone I had to talk to.

  I stood at the gate to the schoolyard, and in a few minutes I heard the bell ring. ’Course, all the guys were out first, and then John Clayton and Ears came up and yelled and laughed about the snake trick, but I wasn’t there to talk to them. Finally, I saw Connie crossing schoolyard, and I ran over to talk to her.

  “Connie, why did you tell Mrs. Smith you did the snake trick?”

  Connie kinda hung her head, blushed a little bit, and then looked up at me.

  “Richard, I knew, after Mrs. Smith zeroed in on you, that you’d put the snake in Rosalie’s desk. Heck, Rosalie deserved it the way she treated you, and then I thought about how hard Mr. Freeman would be on you. I just hated to see you paddled like that after all you’ve been through, and I figured Mr. Freeman would be a lot easier on me, since I’m a girl. And we’re friends and friends are supposed to help friends.”