We had long since started over on “Just as I Am,” and then it happened! On verse eight somebody was trying to make it to the aisle, and people had to stand up and move outta the way.
“My gosh, John Clayton, it’s Tiny!” I whispered.
We stood there in shock while Tiny waddled down the aisle and took the Preacher’s hand, and Mrs. Smith down front shouted a great big, “Hallelujah!” and Brother Taylor motioned the music director to sing another verse, and on we went to verse nine and then, because the Preacher had to ask Tiny all the salvation questions, we moved right on to verse ten and then eleven.
“This is a record invitation,” I whispered to John Clayton. “Thank goodness Tiny joined, or we might be here all night. It won’t be long now.”
“Somebody else is joinin’.” John Clayton said. We looked down front where two people were making their way down the aisle.
“My gosh, it’s Doctor Carl and his nurse!” I said.
Sure enough they were walking down the aisle, and I thought Brother Taylor was gonna start jumping pews. He dashed up the aisle and grabbed them around their shoulders so excited that he could hardly contain himself. Old Mrs. Smith cut loose with a string of hallelujahs that made my ears ring and Amen’s filled the church.
Well, Doctor Carl took out his handkerchief and started wiping his eyes while the nurse cried all over Brother Taylor’s shoulder. Brother Taylor was just about to go for a world-record number of verses when Sarge Donner, the Chairman of Deacons, shook his head. Finally, Brother Taylor calmed down and closed the invitation. And when he announced to the congregation that these three that had walked the aisle were coming by profession of faith to be baptized, the whole church broke into clapping, hallelujahs, Amen’s, and shouts. Well, boys like Tiny ain’t no big deal, because in a few years all of us will sooner or later walk down the aisle, but two adults, and Yankees to boot, coming on profession of faith? Boy oh boy, in Norphlet that was big, big, big.
Deacon Jones finally dismissed us with the shortest prayer I’ve ever heard, and we headed back to fellowship hall for the pounding. There were two big tables on opposite sides of the room. On one of the tables you were supposed to put your covered disk for the potluck supper, and on the other table you put stuff for the pounding. In a few minutes both table were covered, and the pounding table had so much on it that people had to put stuff on the floor. We’d never seen a pounding to equal it and neither had anybody else. Well, Brother Taylor was just all wound up about the whole evening, and he spent about fifteen minutes repeating what he’d said in the church. Finally, he presented the pounding to Doctor Carl and his nurse assistant and prayed a long, long prayer. Then after the Amen, he announced the start of the potluck supper. Me and John Clayton dashed around a herd of slow old ladies trying to get to the front of the line, but there stood Tiny, already in place, holding his plate.
“Tiny, you cheated! You’re supposed to wait for the Amen and you didn’t. Cheater!”
“Ha, you guys are just slow, and anyway, if we all die tonight, y’all are gonna go straight to hell, and I’m goin’ to heaven.”
“No, we ain’t, Tiny. Richard read it in the Bible that it said we weren’t gonna go to hell until we were fourteen. Didn’t you, Richard?”
I really wish John Clayton hadn’t said that about the Bible because I didn’t have no idea of where I’d come up with that “you’re not accountable until you’re fourteen” business. But there I was, on the spot, so I just had to tell a little white lie, even if I was in the church.
“Yep, sure did. It’s in first John, humm, I believe chapter sixty and verse forty-two.”
“Well, my momma told me she didn’t know where you came up with that fourteen-years-old business,” said Tiny.
“Tiny, just tell your momma to read the verse I gave you.” That finally shut Tiny up, and we pushed him through the line. He had enough food on his plate to feed a pen of hogs.
Me and John Clayton finished filling our plates and walked over to the stairs where we slipped under and out of sight to sit in our special sitting place. We’d just sat down when I looked up, and walking toward the stairs came Doctor Carl and his nurse assistant, who was now being called Miss Tina. They were looking for a place to sit down and eat. Well, all the chairs around the tables were filled so they came over and sat down on the stairs. They couldn’t see us, and I was about to stick my head out and say hello when they started talking.
“How did you like that crying on the Preacher’s shoulder?” asked Miss Tina, with a low snicker.
“Tina, you should be in Hollywood. Hey, don’t you think it was a good idea to wait until the very last verse to join the church? More dramatic don’t ya think?”
“Yeah, Carl, and I nearly laughed out loud when you started wiping your eyes faking that little crying business.”
“Well, did it look real?”
“Yeah, Carl. If we don’t have these hicks fooled now we never will. Ha, ha. Hey, by the way, that damn preacher rubbed on me until I thought I was getting a massage instead of joining this hick church.”
“Well, Tina, he just might become a paying customer.”
“Oh, Carl, is that all you have on your mind?”
“Of course not, but if we want to set up shop here, we’d better put on a good show, and if that preacher wants to rub on you, just smile.”
“Yeah, Carl, and you need to go around and thank everybody for all the crap they have piled on that table, even if we’re just going to throw it away.”
“Don’t worry, Tina, I know who runs this church and it sure isn’t the preacher or the deacons.”
“Uh, huh, that row of ugly women sitting around the back table sure look in control.”
Well, we could hear every word they said, and before we could move they’d already said a bunch of stuff that sure sounded funny. We couldn’t believe what they was saying about the church and our town, but we wanted to hear everything so we listened up real good. Heck, they kept on a-talking about having to leave some place, and then they said something about starting up again in Norphlet. I don’t know much about grown-ups, but after hearing all that stuff I sure knew these folks weren’t what they was acting like. About that time I heard Miss Tina use a cuss word.
“Oh, Carl, there’s a cockroach! Oh my god, I hate roaches! They’re so dirty and slimy! It gives me the shakes just to see one! I think I would just die if one ran up my leg… . You know what Carl?” I could hear Miss Tina softly giggling. “Roaches are a lot like these southern hicks: low-life scum that just dirty up a place.”
Gosh, when Miss Tina said that, they both laughed so hard the stairs shook. We’d heard every word, and me and John Clayton were just not believing it. However, before we could sneak outta there John Clayton sneezed, and Doctor Carl heard him.
“Hey,” he said as he looked under the stairs, “what are you boys doing under there? Listening to a private conversation?”
“No, sir, we just were sittin’ under here eatin’.”
“I’ll bet you were! Listen to me boys! If you repeat anything you heard I’ll have your hide! Do you hear me?”
Gosh, Doctor Carl sounded so mean we backed up under the stairs as far as we could, and then he and Miss Tina got up and looked back.
“Did you hear me?”
“Yes, sir.”
Gosh, we couldn’t believe he was so upset ’cause we’d heard them talking. We couldn’t wait to get outside. When the pounding finally finished up we stood around out in front of the church and talked.
“My lord, John Clayton, everybody thinks those sorry people are wonderful, but they’re puttin’ on a show. Why are they tryin’ to make people believe they like it here?”
“Heck, I don’t know, Richard, but just look over there at Doctor Carl. He’s talkin’ to all those ladies that brought stuff for the poundin’, and they’re just a-grinnin’ like he’s Jesus or something. I don’t get it; why were they so upset?”
“Well, I don’t know why they said all that
stuff, but if we start tellin’ folks, do you think anyone will believe us?”
“Naw, Richard, you know all the stuff we’ve gotten into over the past couple of years. Who are people gonna believe? You know who, and it sure ain’t us!”
We were still standing in front of the church when some of the men of the church loaded all the pounding stuff in Doctor Carl’s car, and in just a couple of minutes Doctor Carl and Miss Tina walked out. He saw us standing there and as he walked by he whispered, “Boys, just remember what I told you.”
Gosh, you could almost hear him growl he was so mean-sounding. Heck, he didn’t know it, but there wasn’t a soul in Norphlet that would believe us anyway. Me and Sniffer walked home that night, and I thought about Miss Tina talking about roaches, which are just a part of where we live, and, heck, if you keep a clean house they really don’t cause you no trouble. Me and John Clayton sometimes go to the city garbage dump with a paper sack and some wet bread. We leave the bread in the open sack and come back in an hour to find a sack full of roaches that we use for fish bait.
I went to bed still thinking about Miss Tina comparing us to roaches. Boy, that woman is really a-scared of roaches―Why they were so upset that we overheard them talking about fooling the preacher? Shoot, they’s a bunch of folks around here that has been doing that for a long time.
CHAPTER THREE
Trouble
That next morning I jerked opened the door of the newsstand and dashed in justbefore the hand on Doc’s big clock on the wall moved to make me ten minutes late. I smiled a little “I made it!” smile and Doc grumbled something about being “willing to bet I’d be late for my own funeral.” Me and Sniffer ran most of the route and made it back to Doc’s in almost record time, which provoked a, “Richard, you either didn’t throw all those damn papers, or I’m sure as hell paying you way too much.”
“Heck, Doc, I ran the route. I betcha you can’t find another paper boy in the whole, entire world who’d do that.”
Doc grumbled about me getting rich delivering papers. Ha, at three-fifty a week? But me and Sniffer was headed for home before he could say anything else. Momma had my breakfast ready, and after I fed the mules and ate me and Sniffer ran downtown to find John Clayton. Sure enough, he was sitting on the breadbox reading a funny book. I joined him, and heck, we were just sitting there minding our own danged business when Miss Tina walked across the street from the doctor’s office heading for the grocery store. She acted kinda funny, and then she looked around to be sure nobody was around, and said, “Remember what Doctor Carl said, boys.”
Shoot, I guess that woman had practiced them hard looks because she just looked at us so mean I couldn’t believe it. Heck, I just froze, but John Clayton is a smart aleck, and he’s gotten himself in more trouble by smarting off than you’d believe. Well, he kinda wiggled around on that breadbox and said, “Just call us ‘roaches,’ Miss Tina.”
Wooo, that was the wrong thing to say, because Miss Tina just wheeled around and pointed one of them long fingernails at John Clayton and said, “Damn, you! One more comment about our private conversation, and I’ll have you punished! Do you hear me?”
Well, I poked John Clayton before he could say anything else. Dang, the woman was mad as an old setting hen. Thank goodness someone started out of the store and she stopped talking and went in.
“For cryin’ out loud, John Clayton, are you tryin’ to get us in trouble?”
“Naw, I’m not, but shoot, Richard, those people are real sorry and they’re tryin’ to be real sneaky ’bout it. Something ain’t right.”
“Yeah, nobody should get that worked up ’cause someone heard ’em sayin’ a bunch of bad stuff.”
Well, we talked about Miss Tina and Doctor Carl for a few more minutes, and then we started trying to come up with something to do.
“Come on, John Clayton, let’s go play war games in the hotel.”
John Clayton thought that was a good idea, and we went over to the alley behind the old abandoned Central Hotel to climb in the back window. We were gonna play Army Scouts down on the first floor where the refinery stores cases of empty motor oil cans.
“Sniffer, sit, stay!” Sniffer lay down by the window to wait on us, and we climbed through the window and into the hotel.
I’ll tell you one thing for danged sure: We were just minding our own business, and not doing one darn thing that would bother nobody. We’d been in the old hotel about an hour when we heard somebody yelling at us from the window in the alley.
“Y’all boys, come outta there! You’re under arrest! Come on out, right now!”
It was the town constable, Curly Sawyer.
I looked at John Clayton and shook my head. “What’s got into Curly? He’s never cared if we played in here.”
“Heck, Richard, he’s probably just drunk again and thinks we’re hobos or something, and he’s gonna run us outta town. Let’s go check it out.”
We climbed out the window, and sure enough Curly was standing there with Sniffer, and right beside him was Doctor Carl.
“Boys, y’all done been broke and entered, uh, what was that again, Doctor?”
“Breaking and entering. It’s a felony in Vermont,” said Doctor Carl. “Yes, those are the boys I saw climbing in through the window, and it’s a clear violation of the law. I know you will want to reprimand them to juvenile authorities.”
“You bet, Doctor Carl, I’ll sure reprimand … uh, what? To where?”
“Arrest them, Constable!”
“Boys, y’all is under arrest!”
“What?” I said, “Curly, we were just playin’ like we do ’most every day in this old hotel. We weren’t doing nothin’ wrong, and we didn’t break a dang thing.”
“Boys, y’all done broke the law, accordin’ to the good doctor.”
“Heck, Curly, this ain’t Vermont,” said John Clayton. “It’s Norphlet, Arkansas, and in Norphlet it’s not against the law to play in this old hotel.”
Well, old Curly didn’t know what to say about that, and he mumbled something to Doctor Carl who whispered back to Curly. Curly walked back over to us, put his hands on his hips, and said, “Boys y’all is citizens of this here United States, and what’s the law in Vermont is the law right here in Norphlet, Arkansas. So come ’long with me, y’all is under arrest.”
“Wait a minute Curly,” said John Clayton. “Where are you takin’ us? There ain’t no jail in Norphlet.”
I knew it was a cinch Curly wasn’t gonna take us to El Dorado, since Curly didn’t have a car, and even if he had one he was always too drunk to drive.
“Boys, just follow me. I’ll take care of this matter.” Curly walked out of the alley with us following him, and in a couple of minutes he’d turned the corner and we were at Peg’s place, a pool hall beside the Red Star Drug Store. Peg’s Pool Hall is run by Peg Ellenberger who somehow lost a leg and now has a peg leg just like some old pirate. Peg’s a good friend of mine, and since Daddy spends a lot of time and money in Peg’s place, I figured, if Peg was gonna be involved, then maybe he’d talk Curly out of doing whatever he’d thought up as punishment.
“You boys and y’all’s dog sit right here against the buildin’,” said Curly as he walked through the swinging doors into Peg’s. We sat down with Sniffer between us, leaning up against the brick wall of the pool hall, where we could hear Curly and Peg talking about what all we’d done, and in a minute Peg stuck his head out the swinging saloon doors and looked over at us.
“Richard, Curly’s tellin’ me some story ’bout you boys breakin’ into something and entering whatever that means. What have y’all been up to now?”
“Oh, Peg, it’s nothin’. We were just playin’ in the old Central Hotel, and that stupid, new Doctor Carl got Curly and had us arrested for breakin’ and enterin’, and Peg, I promise, we didn’t break a danged thing.”
“Humm, well hell, boys, y’all been goin’ in that old hotel for several years now, I can’t see how that’d be a problem.
”
“Yeah, Peg,” said John Clayton, “you need to tell Curly to let us go, ’cause we ain’t done one thing. It’s that Yankee Doctor Carl tellin’ Peg it’s against the law in Vermont.”
As John Clayton was finishing, Curly walked out of Peg’s with a glass of beer in his hand, and Peg turned around and said, “Curly you better have paid for that damn beer. I ain’t carrying you no more, and by the way these boys ain’t done a thing. They just been playin’.”
Curly didn’t pay any attention about paying for his beer, and he looked at Peg as he gulped the last sip.
“Hell, Peg, how we gonna look to that fancy Yankee Doctor Carl if we tell him we don’t keep the law here in Norphlet? We gonna look like a bunch of hicks. Let me use your telephone, and I’ll tend to these boys.”
Well, Peg shook his head, but Curly had made a point, and even though Peg knew we hadn’t done nothing, he didn’t want it to look like he was trying to get around the law, even if it was stupid.
“Okay, Curly, come on in. Who are you gonna call?”
“Hell, Peg, I’m gonna call Jack Mason and Joe Reeves, and I just bet you that when I tell ’em the new doctor caught these boys breakin’ and enterin’, they’ll tend to ’em.”
I took a deep breath and looked over at John Clayton, who’d turned white as a sheet. Being turned in for doing something by Curly was one thing, but that dang new Doctor Carl had everybody so fooled that they thought he was God or something, and I just knew our daddies were gonna believe whatever that danged doctor said, even if it was the stupidest thing on earth.
“This is gettin’ worse by the minute,” I whispered to John Clayton.
Curly came back outta the pool hall finishing off yet another beer and looked down at us sitting there against the wall.
“Boys, y’all’s daddies said to come straight home. They’s a-waitin’ fur you.” Curly let out a big laugh and a gigantic burp and walked off leaving us there just so upset we could hardly stand it.
“Oh for cryin’ out loud,” I yelled, “that sorry, Yankee Doctor Carl is gonna get the heck switched outta us, and we ain’t done a stinkin’ thing!”
Lyin' Like a Dog, The Yankee Doctor, The Danged Swamp! 3-Volume set Page 21