“Yeah, Richard, we don’t have a prayer.”
Daddy was waiting for me on the front porch when me and Sniffer walked up our driveway.
“Richard, what have you and John Clayton been up to now?”
My gosh, when Daddy said that, with a shake of his head, I knew for durn sure we were in trouble, but I started a little whiny begging to try and get out of a switching, “Daddy, we ain’t done one little thing―just playin’ in the old Central Hotel, and that Yankee Doctor Carl turned us in to Curly Sawyer.”
“You know I’ve told you not to go into that old hotel. You could get hurt.”
“Yeah, Daddy, but I don’t think we broke any laws. We didn’t break or enter like a burglar, but that sorry Doctor Carl told Curly we were guilty, and he needed to arrest us.”
“Richard, don’t you talk about Doctor Carl like that. He a fine man and this town is lucky to have him practice medicine here.”
“But Daddy, he’s not a fine man! He a sorry, lyin’ guy… .”
“Richard, cut me a switch!”
Sniffer’s ears perked up when he heard Daddy say the “switch” word, and he started to crawl under the house. Wow, I was desperate now and I started a little crying and whimpering saying, “I didn’t do nothing, and then I decided to tell Daddy all about Doctor Carl and what we heard him say when we were under the stairs.
“Wait a minute, Daddy, I want you to hear something ’bout that Doctor Carl and Miss Tina.” I told Daddy every little detail down to Miss Tina cussing about a roach, but I could tell he wasn’t buying none of it, and I finished with, “I cross my heart and hope to die if that’s not the truth, and on top of that, I swear on a stack of Bibles.”
“Richard, I can’t believe you’d make up some cock-and-bull story about such a fine man and his lovely nurse. Well, I should whip you twice, once for lying and once for breaking into the hotel. Go cut that switch, right now!”
Well, Sniffer let out his first howl, and when I walked to the backyard to get the switch, he picked up the howling. I walked back behind the house and broke off a limb from the willow tree, and stared crying before I even gave Daddy the switch. I was bawling as loud as I could, and Sniffer was howling even before the first lick hit. Heck, I ain’t about to try and act brave when Daddy starts swinging that switch and whacking my bare legs. Holler and cry like you’re a-dying is the only way to take a switching.
Dang, that switching hurt. I’ve had worse, but boy was I mad at that sorry Doctor Carl. After dinner me and Sniffer went back to town and found John Clayton who showed me the stripes on his legs.
“Shoot, Richard, that sorry Yankee doctor sure caused us to get one heck of a switchin’, and for nothin’.”
We were still griping about the switching when Joe Rel and Billy Ray, two of our colored friends, walked up.
“What y’all mouthin’ ’bout now?” said Joe Rel.
“Look at our legs, Joe Rel. We just got the tar beat outta us for nothin’, and I mean nothin’. That sorry Doctor Carl done got us nearly beat to death!”
“The new doctor caused y’all to get a switchin’?” asked Billy Ray.
“Yeah, and let me tell you something ’bout that new doctor,” I said, and then we told ’em every detail about him turning us in and overhearing him talking about people. Joe Rel was nodding his head like he believed us.
“Yeah, Richard, I wouldn’t put nothin’ past that man. He’s mean. Yesterday, me and Billy Ray was a-playin’ on the sidewalk out in front of his office, throwin’ a stick for our dog to go get, when the doctor come outta his office, yelled at us, ran us off, and kicked our dog. We started to leave and he cussed us out. I ain’t never heard a man use such bad language.”
“He kicked Lady? Heck, Joe Rel, Lady is one of the best dogs I’ve ever seen. I can’t believe he’d kick a poor dog. Man, anybody that’ll kick a dog is real sorry.”
Finally, somebody believed us. We’d already told Donnie, Ears, and Tiny but they thought we were just mad because the doctor had turned us in.
I went to bed that night still fuming about getting a switching I didn’t deserve. “By gollee,” I muttered, “he’s not gonna get away with that.” And I drifted off to sleep still mumbling about that sorry Doctor Carl.
The next morning me and John Clayton were back downtown trying to forget about that stupid Yankee doctor. We were playing pitch with an old softball and we’d moved around beside the Central Hotel (because it was in the shade) just before John Clayton threw a hard overhanded pitch that bounced up, rolled down the sidewalk and hit the bottom of Doctor Carl’s door. It didn’t hurt a danged thing, and I ran over to pick up the ball when the door opened. It was Doctor Carl.
“Well, if it isn’t the little juvenile delinquents. Throwing rocks at my office, huh?”
“No sir. Our ball just rolled down the sidewalk and hit the bottom of your door.”
“Ha, well, if you think I’m going to let you off you have another think coming. You stay right here. And, boy,” he waved at John Clayton, “you come here and sit down with your little criminal friend.”
“What? Wait, sir, we really didn’t do nothin’, I promise,” said John Clayton.
“Don’t give me that, boy. To stamp out juvenile delinquency you can’t allow young people to get away with anything. You’ll thank me for this some day. Now, sit right here while I go get the constable.”
Well, we were so shocked that we just looked at each other not knowing what to do. Finally, I said, “Heck, I don’t care what anybody says, we haven’t done a danged thing, and that doctor ain’t God. Even old drunk Curly ain’t gonna get us for a ball rolling up and hitting the doctor’s door.”
“Yeah, Richard, I’ll bet Curly will just laugh when Doctor Carl tells him.”
But, no, when the doctor came back with Curly he was walking along waving his hands and pointing to some rocks, and then I heard him say, “Constable, we’ve got to put a stop to lawlessness, because these boys will end up in jail unless we crack down on this behavior. Throwing rocks at my office could have easily been a felony if they’d hit a window.”
Well, old Curly was weaving along nodding his head like he thought we might have been throwing bombs at Doctor Carl’s office. Curly walked up shaking his finger at us, mumbling something I couldn’t understand, but then he said, “You boys done at it again, ain’t ya?”
“No, Curly, we ain’t done a thing, not one little thing,” said John Clayton.
“Now, boys, it’s gonna be a lot harder on y’all if y’all tries to call the good doctor a liar. He done seen you.”
“No, Curly, I promise we didn’t do one dang thing,” I said. Shoot, I was getting a sick feeling ’cause I could tell we could have told Curly that Jesus was a-comin’ and he’d have just ignored us.
“Constable, I want you to write up a full report and put it in your file. If they’re involved in any more vandalize or breaking and entering, the judge will need a record in order to send them to reform school.”
“What?” I said, looking at John Clayton.
“Reform school is a kid’s jail,” whispered John Clayton.
Well, Doctor Carl heard him, nodded, and said, “That’s right, son, and if I catch you doing one more thing, I’ll see that you’re sent there.”
Well, old Curly drug us off to Peg’s place and made another phone call to our daddies. Oh, my gosh, that switching was even worse than the last.
I lay there in bed that night thinking about getting switched twice for not doing one dang little thing. Did it have to do with me and John Clayton overhearing ’em at church? Why else would they be tryin’ to get us in trouble? Are they tryin’ to get us sent to reform school? Why? Why? Maybe they want to get us out of town.
“Well, I went to sleep thinking about it because I just couldn’t figure it out.”
CHAPTER FOUR
Miss Tina, Old Man Odom…and a Bunch of Roaches
That next morning when I got up, my legs were still hurting from t
he switching. I called Sniffer and headed downtown. Me and Sniffer trotted down to the newsstand, and Sniffer plopped down on the sidewalk to wait for me to pick up the papers. Heck, I was still grumbling when I walked into the newsstand a little late, but not late enough for a scolding. I’d decided to tell Doc all about the trouble we were having with Doctor Carl. I figured old Doc just might believe me.
“Doc, you’re not gonna believe in a million years what happened to me and John Clayton yesterday.”
Doc put down his paper and wheeled his chair over to where I was rolling papers. Since Doc knew us really well, he always got a kick out of the stuff we get into.
“What now?”
“Well, Doc, you know that new Doctor Carl?” … and on and on I went telling Doc everything, even the part about overhearing them talk about the church and comparing us to roaches. I could tell Doc wanted to believe me, but the story was just to wild for him, and by the time I finished he was just like Daddy, shaking his head.
“Richard, you boys better not keep telling that story around town. Let me tell you something, that Doctor Carl has ‘hung the moon’ as far as everybody in this town is concerned, and you two boys are the only people that have had a bad word to say about him, and Richard, you know better than to play in the old Central Hotel. Y’all probably deserved that switching, and I’d be willing to bet y’all were throwing rocks.”
“Aw, Doc, I’m tellin’ the truth! The honest to god’s truth! Every little thing is the whole truth!” But I could see old Doc didn’t buy the story, and with the reputation me and John Clayton have, I guess I can’t blame him. I picked up my paper bag and headed out the door.
“Okay, Sniffer, let’s go.” I gave a little whistle to wake him up and we headed down Front Street at a trot. After the papers were thrown, me and Sniffer met John Clayton down at the breadbox, and we talked about the switchings again and how we dang sure didn’t deserve them.
“Heck, Richard, that sorry Doctor Carl has got everybody in town fooled, and now he’s gotten us switched twice for something we didn’t do, while he sits in his office making money hand over fist, and he’s probably foolin’ round with that nurse assistant, Miss Tina.”
“Whata you mean ‘foolin’ round with’?
“Well, I’m not sure, but I overheard my Daddy say that to Momma, and Momma yelled at him to hush, so I’m not sure what it means.”
“Listen, John Clayton, something’s funny ’bout the way they’re tryin’ to get us in trouble. Heck, do you think they’re tryin’ to get us out of town by gettin’ us sent to reform school ’cause we know what sorry people they are?”
“Shoot, Richard, I don’t know, but that’s ’bout the only thing it could be.” Then John Clayton kinda had a puzzled look and said, “Unless it’s something they’re doin’ that we don’t know ’bout. Heck, I wouldn’t put nothin’ past that sorry bunch.”
“Me neither! Dang, I’ve been whipped twice ’cause of them sorry people, and I’m really mad. Heck, I think we need to get even.”
“Ha, yeah, me too, but they’re grownups, so just how in the heck are we gonna get even?”
“Maybe we could put Vaseline on Doctor Carl’s office doorknob, or maybe tie a tin can on the bumper of his car,” I suggested.
“Nahaa, that’s little kid stuff. We gotta come up with something a whole lot better'n that.”
About that time Miss Tina came sashaying by, and she gave us a little sneer as she went into the grocery store. In a couple of minutes she came back out, and as she stood there unwrapping a package of cigarettes she started talking to us. Heck, it wasn’t just talking, she was telling us how the cow ate the cabbage. You know, just threatening us like we’d done committed a major crime.
“Huh,” she started off saying, “well, if it ain’t the little juvenile delinquents. Have you learned your lesson?”
Well, she didn’t even give us time to say nothing because she just kept a-talking.
“Probably not; you’re going to end up in reform school, mark my word.”On and on she went until I finally got in a word and I said, “Miss Tina we didn’t do a thing to get switched for.” Shoot, before them words were even outta my mouth, she stuck that long bony finger with bright red nails right in my face.
“Are you calling Doctor Carl a liar?”
“Uh, well, no, ma’am, but we really didn’t do nothin’.”
Miss Tina gave us a real hard look, lit a cigarette, and clamped it down between her teeth and just kept saying bad things about us. Then the worst bad luck you can ever imagine happened: Old Curly staggered up and Miss Tina said, “Constable, these little ruffians just called Doctor Carl a liar. I think you should call their parents and inform them.”
Curly was smelling like a walking beer truck, and his eyes were so red I’ll swear they was bleeding, but he kinda pulled his belt up over his big belly and tried to act important and said, “I’ll get right on it, Miss Tina.”
Good lord almighty, when Curly said that I nearly dropped dead because the first thing that crossed my mind was another switching.
“Oh my gosh, no, Curly, please don’t!” I begged. Heck, it seemed like bad luck was just a-hanging over us, because when we scooted off the breadbox, it jerked and slid a little bit, and a couple of big roaches zipped out from under it. Course, that ain’t no big deal since we live in Arkansas, but evidently Yankees thinks roaches are straight from the pits of hell. Well, these roaches were big, dark brown ones about two inches long, which some people call waterbugs, but heck, those folks just don’t wanta admit they got roaches in their house. Waterbugs sound a lot better than roaches. I guess some people think roaches are nasty, but shoot, they ain’t much different than crickets, and those big roaches are great fish bait. A big, old goggle eye will really snap up a fat roach. Well, evidently Miss Tina has had some really bad dreams about roaches because one of them roaches just zinged over toward her and ran over her shoe, and she went plumb crazy,
“Ahaaaaaaa, a roach, a roach, ahaaaaaa! It touched my shoe! Oh, help! Do something, Constable!”
Well, she danced a little jig, screaming like a wild woman while we watched, and then, well, I told you it was bad luck, we messed up again―we laughed. Heck, we didn’t just laugh, you know, kinda snickered, naw, we hee-hawed like a couple of old mules, while John Clayton pointed at Miss Tina and let out that funny little laugh of his that sounds like a chicken having a heart attack: “Eeeeeeee! Heeeeeeee! Haaaaaaaaa! Ooooooooo! Aaaaaaaaaa!” Dang, that was a big mistake because now Miss Tina flung them cigarettes straight up, hopped around on one leg, and yelled like the devil had a-holt of her, until Curly managed to step on the roach that had Miss Tina cornered. The rest of the roaches finally ran off, and Miss Tina stopped trembling and got down and started picking up her cigarettes. Course, Curly bent over to help, but, shoot, being somewhere near drunk as a skunk, he just toppled over and crushed about half of them. We had to grab onto the breadbox we were laughing so hard. Well, Miss Tina finally stood up and, wow, she was shaking all over, just a-waving her hands. Then she yelled out in one of them high-pitched Yankee squeals: “You two, little ruffians are on your way to reform school! Constable, call their parents, and tell them that those two put a roach on me, and be sure to tell them they called Doctor Carl a liar!”
Well, old Curly pulled himself up, and he had kinda been laughing at the roaches, but when Miss Tina started yelling at him he backed away saying, “Yes, ma’am, I gonna get right on it.”
Miss Tina headed back to the doctor’s office puffing on that cigarette, and Curly went to call our daddies. Course we were nearly in shock at what had happened. Just sitting on the breadbox doing nothing, and now we were probably gonna get the tar beat outta us again.
“Dang, Richard, we’re gonna get beat to death ’cause of them two!”
“Yeah, we are, if we don’t get sent to reform school first. Why in the heck, do they keep talking ’bout reform school every time they’re ’round us?”
“I don’
t know, but it looks like they’re tryin’ to get rid of us.”
Well, we sat there dreading to have Curly come back and tell us he’d talked to our daddies, but in ten minutes he was back at the breadbox shaking his finger at us.
“Your daddies, done got real upset with my call, and they said for y’all to head home at a run. They’s had it boys, and so have I. Y’all better straighten up and fly right, or y’all gonna be in more trouble than you can imagine.”
Shoot, you wouldn’t believe the switching we got when we got home. Heck, we were about to be switched to death because of them two sorry people.
For the next few days we tried to stay outta Doctor Carl and Miss Tina’s way, but Norphlet is a little town, and trying to dodge them two was hard. Heck, they was even at church, sitting down front, and Doctor Carl had started to Amen the preacher, which just got old Brother Taylor all fired up, and the danged services were lasting a whole bunch longer.
We were sitting on the breadbox talking about having to high-tail it every time them two came up when John Clayton started talking about getting even again. Well, nothing came to mind and after an hour or so just sitting there talking we got up to go home for dinner. Shoot, you wouldn’t believe it, but just as soon as we scooted the breadbox another bunch of roaches shot out. Heck, it must have been roach city under that breadbox.
“Step on that roach, John Clayton! Get ’em, Sniffer!”
Sniffer snapped up one of the big roaches and John Clayton did a little hop and a real quick stomp and got the other.
Splat.
“Hey, that was good.”
“Yeah, but look at the bottom of my foot.”
John Clayton went over to some grass and rubbed his bare foot to get the roach gunk off, and we started to head for home. Then a great get-even plan came to me: “Hey, I’ve got it! Listen to this.” Well, let me admit something right now; it weren’t the smartest thing I’ve ever thought of because we overdid it. Yeah, and you won’t believe what happened in a million, million years.
Lyin' Like a Dog, The Yankee Doctor, The Danged Swamp! 3-Volume set Page 22