Lyin' Like a Dog, The Yankee Doctor, The Danged Swamp! 3-Volume set

by Richard Mason

  “Dang, John Clayton, I can’t put up with this much longer. I’d just as soon go ahead and do something and get it over with and get sent to reform school. This thing is just hangin’ over our heads.”

  “Yeah, but what in the Sam Hill can we do?”

  “Okay, John Clayton, listen to this: We do know a little more ’bout what them two did in Burlington, so let’s try and get the word out.”

  “Huh? Whata you mean?”

  “Well, we’ll print up some signs and post them round town, and then we’ll send Doctor Carl another letter telling him we know ’bout the dope he was sellin’ in Burlington.”

  Well, we talked about it for a while and then we went home and spent the afternoon printing up posters. They said, in great big black letters:

  Doctor Carl got run out of Burlington for selling dope!

  Then we printed up another letter to Doctor Carl that said:

  We know you got run out of Burlington for selling dope. The police are going to arrest you pretty soon because you’re doing it here.

  Course, they was no way on god’s green earth we was gonna sign our names to that letter. Heck, the letter and posters seemed like a real good idea, and that night we slipped the letter under his door, and then we taped the posters in all the store windows downtown. I couldn’t wait until the next day. We finished up about ten o’clock and I nodded my head to John Clayton, “Shoot, if this doesn’t do it nothin’ will.”

  “Yeah, they’ll probably be gone by morning.”

  I was sitting on the curb downtown, waiting on Doc at five the next morning. Heck, I finished the paper route real quick, and I was just hanging around waiting for people to start coming downtown and see our posters. Boy, was I surprised when Curly walked in with a handful of posters.

  “Boy, do you know anything about these posters?”

  Well, I’m sure not stupid enough to confess to something like that so I said, “What posters?”

  Course, old Curly just went into a little hissy fit and told me that Doctor Carl had come down to his office last night and found the posters, and he’d called Curly to come take ’em all down. Curly ended his yelling at me with: “And listen to me, boy, if I sees another one of these around town, y’all is heading straight to Texarkana and reform school!”

  When I met John Clayton down at the breadbox later I told him the whole story, and I was just finishing when Miss Tina came walking up.

  “If you little delinquents think you’re going to run us out of town doing little kid tricks you’ve got another think coming. Hell, we got a good thing going here and everybody in this town just thinks we’re great. We’re going to get rid of you two―mark my word.”

  We were so upset that we never said a word, but I was thinking all the time Miss Tina was talkin’. Yeah, we gotta do something so bad to them that they’ll never believe it. But what?

  After Miss Tina walked off I looked over at John Clayton and said, “We gotta do something that’s the worst thing you can imagine or they’re gonna either kill us or have us sent to reform school.

  “Yeah, Richard, you’re right, and I’d rather go to reform school for something I did, than to be framed by that sorry Doctor Carl”

  “Well, what’s the worst thing in the whole wide world you can imagine happenin’ to you?”

  “Shoot, that’s easy. Ever since I got bit by that big cottonmouth water moccasin I’ve had nightmares ’bout another snake wrapped round my leg sinkin’ its fangs into my leg.

  “Well, water moccasins is ’bout the scariest things I can think of, and I’ll bet we can catch some down in the swamp, but shoot, what if one of them snakes bite ’em and they dies? Heck, they’d charge us with murder, and instead of reform school we might get the electric chair.”

  “Oh, my gosh! Do you think they electrocute kids?”

  “Maybe, but if they don’t we’ll get put in some cell and fed bread and water for the rest of our lives.”

  “Dang, Richard, count me out! We need to run ’em outta town, but killing ’em is a little too much.”

  “Uh, huh, we can’t put no poisonous snakes in their office or nowheres round ’em, but being Yankees they don’t know the difference between a big, brown water snake and a kill-you-dead cottonmouth.”

  “Naw, they don’t―you got something in mind?”

  “Yep, I sure do.”

  “You know that hornet trick was so good, that we thought they might leave town?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Well, we need to come up with something so bad and horrible that it’ll run ’em clean out of state. Heck, that’s our only chance. It’s gotta be worse that a room full of hornets, or at least they gotta think it is.”

  “Yeah, but what on earth could be worse than a room full of hundreds of hornets?”

  “I think I know just what might make Doctor Carl leave Norphlet. Okay, this is what I’ve been thinkin’. You know how those roaches just drove Miss Tina crazy?”

  “Well, yeah, she still yells ’bout it.”

  “Then the hornets that almost caused Doctor Carl to have a heart attack?”

  “Yeah, yeah, but he’s still round.”

  “I know, I know, but last week someone saw Doctor Carl run outta his yard yellin’, “Snake! Snake! Snake!” And I heard Daddy say that one of the neighbors went over and it was a snake all right, a little foot-long grass snake. They said Doctor Carl is a-scared to death of snakes, and said, he can’t even look at a snake. He’s got some kind of what they call a phobia, whatever that is, but it means he’ll go crazy if he sees a snake. He told that man the most terrible thing in the whole wide world for him is to see a snake, and just the idea that one might bite him was too horrible to even think ’bout. Evidently someone really scared him when he was a little boy, and he ain’t never gotten over it. He said if a snake touched him he’d just die. Just think, if we could have Doctor Carl round some big, brown water snakes, and they bit ’em and got all over him, that might be enough to scare him out of town, and I think we know where there are bunches of water snakes.”

  “Oh, Richard, are you thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’? Snake Ridge?”

  “Yep.”

  Snake Ridge is a long, low ridge in the middle of a huge beaver pond deep in Flat Creek Swamp, and me and John Clayton named it Snake Ridge because snakes are everywhere. Most of them are three- and four-foot-long brown water snakes, which look as mean as all get out, and they ain’t gonna kill you if they do bite. But there are a few cottonmouth moccasins around, and if one of them sinks its fangs in your leg, you’re a goner.

  “Yeah, yeah, just like the roaches and hornets, but this time it’ll be snakes all over the floor. Yes! Yes! Yes! That’s it, and late when the place is full of people!” yelled John Clayton. “This is the perfect plan! We’ll scare that Yankee clean outta town!” Then John Clayton look a little puzzled. “Well, Richard, that’s sounds great, except for a couple of things: We sure can’t pour snakes in the fan, and if we walk in the office with a toe sack full of snakes, somebody’ll see us.”

  “Uh, huh, and maybe snakes on the office floor won’t be a very big deal ’cause Doctor Carl might not even come out into the office when the snakes are there.”

  “Well, if we ain’t gonna put snakes in his office, where are we gonna put ’em?”

  “I don’t know for sure, but it’ll be real close to him. Heck, let’s catch the snakes and take ’em downtown, and see if we can’t figure out how to get ’em right up close to Doctor Carl, and not no one time―a bunch of times. That’ll get him so worked up he’ll be just going crazy, and if he’s a-scared of snakes as Daddy said he is, then he might just pack up and leave.”

  “All right! Let’s go catch some snakes!” John Clayton hooted.

  “Okay, but I’ve been thinking how to really make this trick work, and we need to have Doctor Carl all worked up before he gets up close to them snakes.”

  “Huh? Well, we just can’t walk up and tell him to watch out for snakes
. What would have him all nervous about snakes?”

  “Let’s go get your school tablet and I’ll show you. We’re gonna write Doctor Carl a ‘snakes are gonna get you’ letter.”

  “Yeah, and then he’ll be nervous, and when we he sees a snake, he’ll think they’s cottonmouths and, wow, he’s outta here―gone back to Yankee land.”

  We went over to John Clayton’s house and wrote Doctor Carl a letter.

  Doctor Carl:

  Do you know what it feels like for a mean old cottonmouth to sink its fangs into your leg? Don’t know, do you? Well, you’re going to find out! Watch out because snakes is coming to get you!

  A mad roughneck

  “Dang, Richard, you just know he’s gonna show that letter to Curly, and tell him we wrote it.”

  “Yeah, but they can’t prove nothin’ and since I put down “A mad roughneck” he’s not gonna know for sure it’s us, and, heck, we’re desperate. If we don’t do something we’re gonna be on a bus to Texarkana.”

  After Doctor Carl closed his office for the day, we slipped the letter under his door, and then went to over to my house where we fixed our snake-catching gear. The next morning we decided to wait until that afternoon to catch the snakes, and we were just walking around downtown when Doctor Carl came running up to us waving our letter. Heck, I’d figured he’d be kinda upset, but, whoa, hold your horses, look out Trigger! He was shaking so bad the letter was a-waving like some flag, and he was hollering at us before he even got to us.

  “You’ve gone too far now you little criminals! This letter is a threat to kill me!”

  “Uh, what letter Doctor Carl?”

  “You know what letter, you worthless little brats! Just because you signed it like it was some roughneck doesn’t fool me! I know you boys put that letter under my door, and I want to tell you something: I’m under the care of a noted physician because of my fear of snakes, and any contact with one could cause irreparable physiological damage! So I’m warning you―do not even think of bringing a snake to my office, because I would have a drastic attack of amphifobia!”

  “Huh? Uh, well, you don’t hafta worry none ’bout us, Doctor Carl. I promise and cross my heart we won’t bring no snakes to your office.”

  “You had better not!”

  With that, Doctor Carl stomped off and John Clayton looked at me. “You promised not to bring snakes to his office?”

  “Yeah, we’re gonna get ’em a lot closer to him than just in his office.”

  John Clayton smiled and we headed for Snake Ridge, and by around eleven we’d caught eight big water snakes, and one of them was the granddaddy of all water snakes. My gosh, when I held it up, it was as long as me. We put the sack of eight snakes on the end of a pole and headed for downtown Norphlet. It was almost noon when we trudged down by First Baptist Church, and as we passed the church I pointed to a big white house across the street.

  “Well, there’s Doctor Carl’s big house. Wonder if he’s home?”

  “Naw, you know he ain’t; he’s in his office working.”

  “Yeah, and the house is empty. Oh my gosh,” Wow, I had a real good idea right then and I grabbed John Clayton’s arm. “Come on John Clayton let’s check the back door and see if it’s locked.”

  “Dang, Richard, you know we ain’t supposed to go in a house without someone being home.”

  “I know it, but we ain’t gonna steal nothin’. Heck, we’re just gonna leave ’em a present.” I pointed to the bag of snakes and John Clayton kinda giggled and followed me around to the back of Doctor Carl’s house.

  “Yeah, just as I thought; the back door ain’t locked. Come on! Let’s find a good place to leave a couple of snakes.”

  We checked out the house, and when we got back to Doctor Carl’s fancy bathroom, we found a good spot for one of the snakes―the bathtub. Heck, it was one of them big old tubs with slick sides and a snake couldn’t get out no matter how hard it tried. After leaving a pretty good size snake in the bathtub, we walked back through the kitchen and I spotted another good place to leave a snake.

  “Gimmie a snake and hold open this breadbox,” I said.

  John Clayton opened the sack just a little bit and one of the snakes stuck its head out. I grabbed it right behind his head and after a little struggle, I stuck it in the breadbox, slammed the little door down, and we slipped out the kitchen door and headed for downtown.

  “Two down and six to go,” I said as we walked along. “Shoot, Doctor Carl gonna be thinking every snake he sees is a cottonmouth, and when we get all these snakes and Doctor Carl together that dang, sorry Yankee doctor is gonna have one of them phobia kinda fits and leave Norphlet so fast it’ll make your head swim.”

  “Yeah, Richard, if we can get the rest of them snakes up close to Doctor Carl, we have that sorry doctor so shook up he won’t even be able to even talk.”

  We got back downtown just about the time folks were going for lunch, and as we passed Camell Dry Goods, I looked down the block just as a man in a long white doctor’s coat carrying a little black suitcase started across the street to Echols Grocery. It was Doctor Carl. Then we had some really good luck because when he passed the breadbox he set his black bag down on the top of the breadbox and walked in the store. We saw him say hello to Mrs. Echols, and then they both walked to the back of the store. Wow, then another real good plan to me.

  “Get a snake out, John Clayton and hurry! Come on!”

  We ran across the street, I yanked open the little black bag and John Clayton opened the snake bag. Whoa, the big granddaddy of all water snakes struck its head out, I grabbed it, and after a struggle, I stuffed that big snake in Doctor Carl’s black bag.

  “Come on run! Lets get outta here!” I whispered. We ran down to the end of the block and got around the corner of Roy Boynton’s Hardware store where we could peek around and see the breadbox. Shoot, for a few minutes that danged black bag just shook as that big snake jerked around, but after a couple of minutes the snake got still and outside of looking kinda thick and full the black bag looked just like Doctor Carl had left it. We stood there a few minutes waiting, and I just happen to look around. Would you believe it? There was Doctor Carl’s big Buick parked over behind the hardware store in the shade.

  “Come on, John Clayton and bring the rest of them snakes!” I whispered. We ran over to Doctor Carl’s car, opened the door, and dumped the remaining five snakes out on the floorboard of the car. We slammed the car door as the snakes scattered, mostly going under the seat.

  “Richard ain’t five snakes in the front of a car gonna cause a lot of trouble? Shoot, what would you do if you was driving and snakes started coming out from under the seat?”

  “Listen to me, John Clayton. Don’t you remember saying, ‘It’s either them or us’? Heck, maybe this is a little much, but reform school is a lot worser. Come on let’s go watch Doctor Carl and his black bag.”

  Well, we stood there around the corner, peeking out every few minutes to check on the breadbox, and finally Doctor Carl opened the grocery store door, gave his little Jesus-like wave and a little bow to Mrs. Echols and reached over and picked up his black bag. He gave a funny look, like he thought the bag was a little heavy, but he just shook his head and started walking across the street. Then, when he was about halfway across the street the snake must have started moving again, because the bag started swaying back and forth and Doctor Carl stopped and set the bag down.

  Well, we were holding our breath, wondering if he was gonna open it, when he grabbed both of the handles and pulled the bag wide open. Gosh, we watched as that big water snake just flew straight up outta that bag and hit Doctor Carl right in his face. Course, the snake was just trying to get away, but when it zipped outta that little bag it sent Doctor Carl falling back with the snake right on top of him. Heck, we were holding our mouths just to keep from hee-hawing, when Doctor Carl let out a “Whooooooo! Oh god , no! Ahaaaaaaaa! Ahaaaaaaaa!” and on and on as he rolled on the ground trying to get away from tha
t big snake. Well, the snake hightailed it outta there as fast as it could slither, and Doctor Carl jumped up waving his hands over his head yelling, “Whoooooo! Whooooo!” He ran like a scalded dog straight for his office just as old man Odom turned the corner and “Crunch”. He ran right over that little black bag with his front tire and then finished it off with the one in the rear. Dang, that black bag was flat as a flitter and doctor stuff was scattered all over the street, but the thing wasn’t over, not by a long shot. According to Lonnie Henley, who was in Doctor Carl’s waiting room, Doctor Carl ran in the door still yelling, waved to Miss Tina to come with him, and they went into his back office. Mr. Henley said all he could hear was Doctor Carl yelling for Miss Tina to give him a shot, and she was a-saying, “Carl! Carl! What happened?” Evidently, Miss Tina must have given Doctor Carl a shot ’cause in about five minutes he and Miss Tina came outta the back room and told Mr. Henley that Doctor Carl couldn’t see him today, ’cause he had gotten real upset and was going to have to go home and rest. Well, we were about to go back to my house when Doctor Carl and Miss Tina walked out and headed for Doctor Carl’s car.

  “Hold it, John Clayton, and stay outta sight. This is gonna be good."

  Miss Tina was kinda holding Doctor Carl’s arm to steady him and with the other hand he was still waving it every now and then and giving out a little “Whoooo!” I guess Miss Tina figured Doctor Carl wasn’t in no shape to drive because she led him around to the passenger’s side of the car and helped him sit down. Then she hopped in the driver’s seat, started the big Buick, and put her in low. The car lurched forward and chugged along for a few feet until Miss Tina gave it the gas and then it roared forward and spun its wheels. It was just about that time when we noticed something funny started happening—Miss Tina began to swerve the car from one side of the road to the other, and she’d gun it for about two seconds and then slam on the brakes. I guess them snakes had been kinda excited when Miss Tina roared off, and they decided it was time to get out from under the seat.