Fuzzy Logic

by Susan C. Daffron

  With a smile he said, “Swoosie is a great dog. She’s actually really easy to train, because she loves food.”

  Jan drew her brows together. “Swoosie? You have a dog named Swoosie?”

  “Yeah, like the actress. Swoosie Kurtz.”

  “Oh yes, I think she was in Dangerous Liaisons, wasn’t she?”

  “I guess. I know her from TV. She’s the kind of bitchy sister on that show Sisters. It reminded me of my dog. Independent. Kind of obnoxious. Swoosie is a Samoyed. They’re like that.”

  “I’ve read about that breed. They were originally bred by the nomadic Samoyede tribes in Northeastern Siberia. But I definitely agree with the obnoxious part.”

  Michael shrugged and then turned his head to look around him. “I don’t know about Siberia, but I’ll buy into the nomadic thing. I’ve got to find her. We can go back to my car and get my jacket. Then maybe you can help me look for her.”

  Jan frowned. “I have a big problem with my dress, in case you haven’t noticed. And my hair is a disaster. I can’t go running around looking for your dog. But I’ll take your jacket.”

  Michael turned and began walking back across the grass, “Fine. Let’s go then.”

  Jan stumbled to follow him, tugging on her dress. This was shaping up to be a very long day.

  After collecting the coat from the car, Jan and Michael headed across the lawn back toward the tent. Jan was still hauling her mother’s suitcase full of puppets and Michael was shouting “Swwooooosie” repeatedly. To Jan, it sounded like he was calling for a hooker. She bent her head, hoping no one would notice her with this guy. Of course, since she was wearing an oversized man’s jacket, it was hard to remain inconspicuous. Maybe everyone would think she was part of one of the wedding “routines,” since whatever entertainment her mother had planned was likely to be odd. Jan did look a little like Red Skelton dressed this way. How mortifying.

  A flash of white appeared amid the grove of eucalyptus trees up ahead, and Michael grabbed Jan’s hand. “Let’s go. You have to help me.”

  Reluctantly, Jan let herself be dragged across the lawn. At the trees, Michael released her hand and then reached into his pocket. “Give her this and say ‘treat’ in a sing-song voice. She can’t resist it!”

  Jan put down the suitcase and looked down at the stinky piece of desiccated meat in her hand. “That’s revolting! What is it?”

  “Dehydrated liver. Dogs love it.” He turned toward the trees and called out, “Swoooooooosie. Come get your treat! It’s right here. You know you want it.”

  A white muzzle peered around a tree, and Jan could tell Swoosie was wise to this ruse. If the dog fell for the old get-your-treat ploy, she’d be reattached to her leash and fun-time was over. Michael might have been a little optimistic about his dog’s level of gluttony.

  Undaunted, Michael kept calling the dog and holding out the treat as he approached the copse of trees. Swoosie moved slightly, but she didn’t come toward him. As he drew closer, her body tensed and it looked like she might make a break for it. Jan was struck again by the fact that the dog appeared to be smiling mischievously. In fact, Swoosie looked downright amused by the whole situation. The dog’s normally pointy ears were down against her head, so it looked like Michael was being taunted by an overly cheerful baby harp seal.

  Jan had to admit that the fluffy white dog was cute. Even if she was a furry little twerp. Swoosie looked a bit like the stuffed white rabbit Jan had adored when she was little. Mr. Bunny had been her favorite toy and she’d carried him everywhere. Maybe the dog wasn’t really so bad. Jan reached out her hand with the treat toward the dog. “Hi, Swoosie. I’m Jan. I have a treat for you. Come get your treat. It’s really good.”

  Continuing to smile and wag, Swoosie took a few steps toward Jan. The dog’s fluffy white tail curled up, so as she wagged the feathery tip of the tail dusted the middle of her back. Suddenly, the dog launched off her back feet into the air. Given Swoosie’s earlier behavior, Jan put her hand over her head and ducked away from the flying white ball of fur, dropping the treat on the ground.

  Swoosie pounced on the treat, gulped it down, and spun around on a back paw, heading back toward the sheltering eucalyptus.

  Michael yelled, “What did you do that for? You almost had her!”

  Jan straightened, put her arms at her sides and scowled at him. “Self preservation. I didn’t want to get tackled again. I don’t see a dog on the end of that leash you’re holding. Whatever you’re doing certainly isn’t working, either.”

  Michael turned away toward the trees where Swoosie had disappeared, continuing to call her name and trying to lure her with food.

  Jan was sick of trying to catch the wily animal. Clearly, Swoosie had no intention of doing what Michael asked. And Jan had bigger problems. Clutching the top of Michael’s jacket to hold it closed over her chest, she picked up the loathsome suitcase again, turned back toward the parking lot, and sighed. She had to figure out how to fix her wardrobe situation before the wedding. Maybe she could run to a store in the next half hour. Who was she kidding? It had taken her three weeks of shopping angst to settle on her now-shredded dress.

  Jan was disturbed from her thoughts by a howling “roo-roo-ROO!” and then happy yipping noises from the direction of the trees. A few seconds later, she heard Michael whoop, “HA! Gotcha!”

  Michael emerged from the trees with Swoosie on her leash, walking sedately beside him. She looked like a model canine citizen. Jan turned and called out, “How did you do it?”

  Michael grinned, “I never divulge my secrets. But with Swoosie, the key is to make her think whatever you want her to do was actually her idea.”

  Jan waved her hands in exasperation. “I’ve really got to go now. The wedding starts in a half an hour and like I said, I can’t go looking like this. What would people think?”

  “I have an idea. But I don’t think you’re going to like it.”

  “I don’t have a lot of options. Right now, I’m wearing your jacket and I suspect you want it back.”

  “Yes. I have to wear it after my routine with Swoosie. If you agree to participate, I can get you some other clothing. But we have to move fast.”

  “Participate?”

  “Yes, you’d have to be in our routine.”

  “In front of people?”

  “Yes, that’s usually the way a performance works.”

  “I don’t like being the center of attention. That’s always been my mother’s thing. Not mine.”

  Michael surveyed her attire, “If you’re in the routine, I can grab one of the costumes.”

  Jan mentally cringed. “Costumes? What kind of costume? This idea just gets worse and worse. People will think I’m some kind of nut case.”

  He tilted his head. “Look at it this way. If you’re wearing a costume, people will think you’re going to be in a show and the outfit is on purpose. Of course, if you aren’t actually in the show, then they’ll think you’re weird or maybe just a cross-dresser. But worse than that, if you’re half-naked in a torn dress, people will think you’ve got a major problem. Like one of those maybe-I-should-call-911 type of problems.”

  Jan sighed. “I suppose that’s true. I didn’t really think about it that way. And I look like a wreck. Or like I’ve been in a wreck. I guess all those years of suffering through my mother’s shows has made avoiding them a reflex action. I’m not a performer, though. Just the idea of speaking in front of people is terrifying to me.”

  Michael smiled. “Don’t worry. This will be fun. You won’t have to say anything. I promise. All you have to do is follow my lead. Swoosie knows what to do. She’s really cute when she does her thing and everyone will be looking at her, not at you. People love it!”

  “You actually trained her to do something other than run away?”

  “Ha, ha. Very funny. Like I said, Swoosie is extremely trainable when she has the right motivation. Let’s go get the costumes. I need to get her suited up in her ruffles.”r />
  Jan looked at him quickly. “Ruffles?”

  “Yes. Ruffles. You’ll see.”

  Swoosie was looking remarkably composed now that she was all decked out in her costume. Michael hadn’t been kidding about the ruffles. She had a little doggie skirt tied around her waist that was made up of bright red, black, and green ruffles. Meanwhile, Michael had changed into a silky green shirt so he looked like a burly mariachi dancer.

  Michael glanced up from buttoning his shirt to assess Jan’s appearance. “Hey, you look great! I guess the dress is a little small, but it accentuates your, ah, figure.”

  Jan looked down at the low-cut neckline and hoped all of her assets remained inside the dress. She could barely breathe, and because the top was backless, she had to go without her cute lacy bra, which was worrisome. Although the top was clearly way too small, the skirt was too large. It was like Goldilocks had had a major wardrobe failure. However, strategically placed safety pins were doing their part to keep the flowing flamenco skirt up around her waist. At the bottom, the skirt sported festive ruffles that matched the ones Swoosie was wearing. Jan wasn’t entirely sure this outfit was any better than the shredded dress. Her stomach was doing back flips and her hands were shaking. It would be so humiliating if she actually fainted. Or threw up. She closed her eyes and tried to will her stomach to settle down.

  Jan tugged on one of the shoulders of the blouse and then bent down to pet Swoosie’s head. “Hi Swoosie. Nice outfit. You have to be good now.”

  Swoosie wagged and sat down expectantly. Michael was still fussing with a button and Jan asked, “So what am I supposed to do?”

  “Just follow behind us. Put your hands over your head and clap to the beat of the music. Oh, and try to look happy. Like I said, everyone will be watching Swoosie, so it’s easy. Hey, the intro music is starting up. That’s our cue!”

  The muscles in Jan’s body clenched in fear. “But I’m not ready!”

  “You are now. Come on Swoosie!” Michael waved a treat in Swoosie’s direction and the dog followed him toward the entry to the garden area where wedding guests were gathering. Michael whistled loudly and the group parted to let him through. Swoosie sat down in front of him and he bent down and whispered something in the dog’s ear.

  Boisterous merengue music flooded the area and Swoosie hopped up on her hind legs. She took a few steps in front of Michael, her ruffles swaying merrily. He raised his hands over his head and clapped to the beat of the music, turning in front of Swoosie. Still on her hind legs, Swoosie followed him and when he moved forward, she stepped backward, so it looked like they were dancing. Michael looked over his shoulder at Jan, raised his eyebrows meaningfully, and waved slightly at her with one of his upraised hands.

  Startled into motion, Jan tried not to think about all the eyes in the crowd and stepped out into the walkway to follow the dancing pair. She did as instructed and walked behind them clapping as the dog performed. It was remarkable that this was the same obnoxious animal that had played keep-away in the trees. The little white dog was being so cute. And as Michael had predicted, the audience adored her.

  Swoosie sat, presumably to rest her legs, and Michael put his hand on her head and danced around the dog in a circle. Then Swoosie got up on her hind feet again and Michael took one of her front paws, spinning around her. The routine went on with more spinning and dancing as the audience clapped and cheered them on all the way down the aisle.

  For the big finish, Swoosie hopped behind Michael up to the floral awning where the ceremony was to be held. Michael pulled a little bag that contained the wedding rings out of his pocket with a flourish. He hung the bag around Swoosie’s neck and the dog sat quietly next to him, panting and smiling as the music faded. The wedding crowd was still cheering and Michael motioned to Swoosie, who stood up and then stretched deeply, bowing to her legion of adoring fans. Jan sidled up next to the pair and took a deep breath. It was over at last. And apparently she was now part of the wedding party.

  Michael grinned at her and whispered, “See, that wasn’t so bad, was it?”

  Jan shrugged, hoping the panicky feeling in her chest would go away soon. Her mother probably wouldn’t appreciate it if she had a heart attack in the middle of the ceremony. “At least my dress didn’t fall off. But Swoosie was amazing. I can’t believe you taught her to do that.”

  Michael wiggled his eyebrows. “I have hidden talents.”

  “You mean other than being an irresponsible pet owner and leering at little girls?”

  Michael made a mock serious face and put both hands over his heart as if he were being stabbed, “You’re killing me here. I’m not really that bad once you get to know me.”

  Swoosie’s wasn’t the only performance at the wedding. The canine dance routine was just the beginning. Jan suffered through her mother’s sock puppet show for perhaps the 7,000th time and a skit parodying one of the old Toilet King ads. After all of the acts were over, she patiently stood next to Michael and Swoosie and watched as her mother promised to love yet another person for the rest of her life. On a positive note, the Toilet King had opted against wearing his blue jumpsuit and his hair was a distinguished salt-and-pepper, rather than purple spikes. He looked downright normal and even somewhat handsome in his jacket and tie.

  After the bride and groom scuttled down the aisle, Jan followed Michael toward the tent where the reception was being held. Her heart had finally stopped racing and she was starting to feel almost normal again. At least it was over and no clothes had fallen off. Maybe she should thank Michael for getting her the costume, but she really wanted to get out of it so she could breathe again. The idea of eating and then having even less room in her precariously tight blouse didn’t hold much appeal.

  The tent was filled with people milling around talking. The guests all seemed to know each other, except for Jan. That was the downside of moving around so much when she was young. Even though she had lived in San Diego for quite a while when her mother was doing local TV, they never stayed in one place for long, so she didn’t know anyone at the wedding.

  Michael didn’t seem to be having the same problem. He had an infectious smile and as Jan followed him through the crowd, it seemed like everyone knew him and wanted to say hello. He stopped at the buffet table and was laughing with someone who appeared to be a long-lost friend. Swoosie was standing next to him also enjoying herself, surveying the vast array of food displayed on the table. As a waiter walked by, Swoosie followed his movements, her white muzzle pointed directly at the tray of prime rib he was carrying, much like a compass homing in on due north.

  Michael turned away from his conversation to look back at her. “Jan, come meet my old buddy Bob.”

  Bob was a slightly balding man with short legs. He looked like a former linebacker who had been tackled a few too many times. His hazel eyes were fixating on Jan’s blouse, never moving from her cleavage as she walked over to join them. Jan looked down hurriedly to verify that all of her body parts were still inside her blouse.

  She reached out her hand to introduce herself. “Hi Bob. My name is Jan.”

  “I liked the dance you did. So are you a stripper or something?”

  Jan shook her head. It seemed Bob had already discovered the open bar and spent some serious time there. “No. I wasn’t really dancing. Just walking and clapping my hands. Swoosie and Michael were doing the dancing. It was a modified version of the merengue in fact, which is a type of music and dance from the Dominican Republic. Professionally speaking, I’m a librarian.”

  “Wow, that’s a great shtick. Do you wear big horn-rimmed glasses and then take them off and let down your hair? I have fantasies like that all the time. Brainy chicks wearing glasses are hot.”

  Jan pulled her hand away from his clammy grip. “No. I mean I really am a librarian. I have a master’s degree in library science and I work at the library in Alpine Grove. And I don’t wear glasses.”

  Bob expression fell as his illusions of scantily clad
librarians were shattered for the moment. Jan looked down at her ruffles. Did this guy ever actually look at the face of any woman, or was it just this outfit that made her bust line uniquely intriguing?

  Bob looked over at Michael. “Hey man, I’m heading back to the bar. Do you want anything?”

  Michael looked up from handing Swoosie a potato chip. “No thanks, Bob. It was good to see you again.”

  He turned to Jan. “I didn’t know you were a librarian. That’s interesting. I mean what little kid thinks, ‘Hey, I wanna grow up to be a librarian’?”

  Jan’s lips tightened. “I did. When I was in junior high school, my mom was married to a guy named Tony for a while. I didn’t like him and there was a library that I could walk to from our house. There was an ad on the bulletin board that said they were looking for people to shelve books, but you had to be fourteen. I was there almost every day anyway, and on my fourteenth birthday I asked about the job. Because of child labor laws, I could only work a certain number of hours per week, but I loved being there. It was much better than being at home.”

  Michael shrugged and popped a potato chip into his mouth. “I guess I was out playing sports when I was that age. I don’t really remember anymore.” He looked around. “So are we supposed to be getting a dinner here or just the buffet? I’m hungry.”

  Although Michael was certainly nice to look at, eye candy didn’t make up for the fact that he obviously had the sensitivity of a tree stump. Why had she even bothered explaining anything to him? It was well past time to be rid of him and his obnoxious dog whose nose was perilously close to the buffet tabletop. As Jan looked on, Swoosie silently and carefully slipped a piece of bread off a tray with her tongue and snuffled it down. It was hard to believe a dog could eat so quickly and quietly. Jan turned back to Michael. “I think I’ll skip the food. Do you know where my dress is?”