“What did you say?”
“I told him no. I said this was a tough enough decision for me to make without adding another card to the pile. I don’t want it to be about me deciding between Marty and someone else, I want it to be about Marty. Does that make sense?”
“Yes. I think that is very wise, Lily.”
“Really?”
“Really. In all seriousness, this is a big decision. The less complicated, the better.”
After Lily let Josie go, thanking her for listening, she reminded herself of one more complication she didn’t have to deal with yet but would face next weekend: Devin.
CHAPTER TEN
Marty had a meeting with the pastor of Emmanuel on Tuesday morning and came by her place afterwards. They went for lunch and took a long walk along the waterfront. Lily wanted to know what life as a missionary in Kenya would be like, and Marty was honest with her. He didn’t sugarcoat the hardships and things that would take some getting used to.
He did serve alongside a missionary family, so they wouldn’t be completely on their own. In their late thirties, Keith and Jenny Swanson had been on the field for more than ten years and had two daughters: Alyssa and Heidi.
“Jenny would be thrilled if I brought you back with me. She’s the only American woman in our area right now. There used to be another family, but they left about three years ago, shortly after I came. Jenny reminds me of you in a lot of ways. I’m sure the two of you would get along great.”
“Are they here now too?”
“Yes. Do you want to meet them?”
“Sure.”
“I’ll contact them and try and set up a time.”
“What would I do there?”
“Mostly work alongside Jenny, I imagine. She visits with the women in the village, teaches the children during services, stuff like that. Actually, come to think of it, she would be thrilled to hear you’re a teacher. You were a science major, right?”
“Yes. My first two years.”
“She’s been tutoring her girls all the years they’ve been over there, but Alyssa is fourteen now and some of the subjects like math and science are a bit beyond Jenny’s ability to teach as well as she’d like. They’ve been thinking about sending Alyssa to a missionary school, but I know they don’t want to.”
“You think they’d want me to tutor their girls?”
“I imagine. Would you be willing?”
“Sure, I guess,” she replied. “One of the things I keep thinking about is how much I would miss teaching.”
Marty took her into his arms and held her close. She rested her head on his chest and took a deep breath. “I know this is a big decision, Lily,” he said. “And I only want this if you do too. Don’t marry me otherwise, okay?”
“Okay,” she whispered.
The following day Lily went skiing at Timberline on Mount Hood with her family. They had been going there as a family on New Year’s Eve for as long as she could remember. Over the last few years, various members had been missing, but this year they were all able to be together. Lily may have chosen to forgo the tradition and spent the time with Marty, but she didn’t want to be the only one not there, especially if for the next several years she would be on the other side of the world.
Besides missing her current teaching position as Max’s aide, Lily’s other greatest roadblock to following Marty to the ends of the earth was her family. She would miss them greatly. She still hadn’t told any of them besides Rose about Marty’s proposal. The time on the mountain gave her plenty of time to think: sitting by the fire in the lodge, skiing down the slopes, riding the chair lift. But the more she thought, the more her thoughts disturbed her.
“You okay, Lil?”
Lily lifted her eyes from the orange glow of the fire and saw her older sister take a seat beside her on the plush couch in the mountain lodge.
“Just thinking,” she said. “Where is everybody?”
“Parker took the girls up to the room. I’m not sure where Mom and Dad disappeared to.”
Lily didn’t reply. She didn’t feel like making meaningless conversation right now.
“Lily? What’s up with you?” Camellia pressed. “You haven’t been yourself since we got here. Does this have something to do with Marty?”
Lily’s eyes snapped up. “What did Rose tell you?”
Cami’s brown eyes grew large and her hands flew up defensively. “Whoa! I didn’t know there was anything to be told.”
Lily sighed. “I’m sorry, Cam. I appreciate your concern, but I’d rather not talk about anything right now.”
“Okay,” Cami said. “But you know I’m here for you if you decide you want to.”
She nodded and gave her an appreciative smile. “I know, Cami. Thanks.”
Later that evening she did open up to Rose. Her younger sister wanted to give her a pedicure after they went to their room. Neither of them were tired, and although Lily didn’t care about whether or not her toenails were painted, Rosie was in the mood to pamper her.
“I think I’m going to tell him no,” she said.
Rose looked up, holding the small brush in mid air.
“Marty?”
She nodded. She had been thinking the words all afternoon, but hearing herself say them out loud made her throat constrict and tears well up in her eyes.
“I thought you didn’t have to decide yet.”
“I don’t,” she said. “But if I don’t feel ready to say yes now, I don’t think that will change.”
“Give yourself some space, Lily. Don’t feel like you have to make a decision right now.”
Lily took her sister’s advice and enjoyed the second day with her family more than the first. She had decided to put it out of her mind, and every time she felt the thoughts creeping in, she would say to herself, Not today. There’s nothing I can do about it right now, so I’m not going to let that reel keep spinning around.
Returning to Portland on the second of January, Lily remembered that Devin would be returning today. She wondered if he would call her like he said. Part of her hoped he would so she would have a chance to talk to him before Monday, but another part of her hoped he wouldn’t. Not having him be so anxious to talk to her would make it easier for her to tell him about Marty.
She decided that if he called, she would tell him over the phone. And if he didn’t call, she would ask him to call her on Monday, rather than agreeing to go out with him just to tell him she couldn’t see him anymore. She didn’t want this to be about making a decision between Marty and Devin any more than she wanted it to be about making a decision between Marty and Peter. Her only consideration right now was if she loved Marty and wanted to marry him or not, as Peter had bluntly asked her; and she was glad he had, because she wasn’t certain she would be thinking of it that way if he hadn’t.
After putting away her skis in the hall closet beside her mountain bike and unpacking her things, she decided to give her apartment a good cleaning. She dusted the tables and shelves, mopped the kitchen and bathroom floors, cleaned the kitchen thoroughly, and even vacuumed beneath the sofa and chair cushions. She finished up with watering her plants and rearranging a few of them. Her ferns looked like they could use a little more light with the days being so short right now.
Feeling satisfied and realizing the activity had kept her from dwelling on her heavy thoughts, she decided to go take a shower and get into her pajamas. It was only seven-thirty, but feeling tired from skiing, she thought she might sit and read and then go to bed early. Tomorrow morning she would call Marty and see if he wanted to spend the day together. Whether she ended up marrying him or not, she wanted to have some more good days with him. He may not be the one she was meant to spend the rest of her life with, but they had a month together at least, and she decided she wanted to enjoy that time.
With her damp hair wrapped in a towel, she emerged from the bathroom and went to the kitchen to make herself some hot chocolate. Meow came up to rub his soft fur against
her pajama bottoms and gave her the “please sit down and pet me” meow.
“In a minute,” she said. “Go get the couch warm for me.”
Meow remained by her feet, causing her to stumble more than once. When she finally got to the sofa, she set her hot mug on the coaster, and he jumped into her lap before she had the chance to get herself settled.
She had flipped on the television when she heard someone knock. Who could that be? Marty didn’t say he was coming by tonight, did he? Remembering his unexpected visit on Christmas, she supposed it could be him whether he had told her so or not.
Going to the door and checking the peephole, her heart sank. Devin? What on earth are you doing here? Remembering her towel-bound hair and attire sent her into sheer panic. He cannot see me like this! I’ll pretend I’m not here.
She leaned against the door, not knowing what to do. Okay, God. I take back all those prayers I ever prayed about wanting a boyfriend. This dating stuff is way too complicated. Can I please get back to my boring life?
Devin knocked again. He would know she was here. Her lights were on and her front window was visible from the street. Her car was parked right out front--the one time she had gotten a prime space.
Deciding to get this over with, she unlocked the dead bolt and opened the door. Devin looked her over from head to toe and smiled.
“Looks like I should have called first.”
“That’s usually what people do,” she said.
“Well, I would have,” he said, stepping inside without waiting for an invitation, “but I decided to take a chance on you being here since you’re on my way home.”
She could feel her eyes bulging as she realized what he meant. “You came here straight from the airport?”
He smiled again. “If you don’t tell anyone that, I won’t tell anyone I caught you in your pajamas.”
She rolled her eyes. “There’s no comparison, but I’ll hold you to that promise.”
He stepped inside further, and she closed the door behind him. “Let me at least get this turban off my head,” she said, stepping past him and heading for her bedroom. “Meow’s in the mood to snuggle.”
Returning ten minutes later with her hair dried and a baggy sweatshirt covering her pajama top, she found Devin on the couch with her cat asleep and purring on his lap. She sat down beside him, prepared to tell him the words she had been rehearing in the bathroom while drying her hair.
“I’m sorry I dropped in on you like this,” he said, appearing more amused than apologetic.
“No, you’re not,” she said, unable to hold back a smile of her own.
He reached out and touched her hand. “You’re beautiful either way.”
Letting her smile fade, she took a deep breath and pulled her hand away. “There’s something I need to tell you before you say anything else like that.”
At his perplexed expression, she plunged ahead, telling him about Marty’s return and the decision she now had to make. He listened without comment.
“For what it’s worth,” she said when she had finished and he still had no response except an uncomfortable and confused stare. “I have liked you for two years, and having you ask me out was a dream come true. Please believe me when I say how sorry I am.”
Her words relieved some of the tension from his handsome face. “You’ve liked me for two years?”
“Yes. Big time,” she laughed. “Right now I am seriously questioning God’s plan. I think He may have gotten some of His calendars mixed up.” She didn’t bother telling him about Peter, feeling certain he would think she was making it all up.
Devin smiled and took her hand. She didn’t pull it away this time but waited for him to speak.
“Marty is a fortunate man, Lily Sullivan, and I’m not going to make this any harder for you than I’m sure it already is. I haven’t fallen in love with you--at least not yet. Don’t worry about me.”
“But?” she asked, sensing he had something else to say.
“But since I have to see you every day, don’t expect me to never talk to you. I’d like us to be friends--whether you stay or you go, whether something awaits us in the future or all I got was one dinner with you; please don’t avoid me, okay? I really hate that. For now we are friends, nothing more and nothing less. Deal?”
“Deal,” she said and had this thought: Maybe like Peter helped me to ask myself the right question, Devin can somehow help me to know what that answer is.
He smiled at her and gently lifted Meow from his lap to set him down and then stood to his feet. She rose as well and followed him to the door.
“And just so you know,” he said, turning back to face her. “If you don’t fly off to Kenya, I won’t wait another two years, Lily. I may be slow, but I’m not stupid. And I think you’re an amazing person. Beautiful and amazing, and I won’t let that slip through my fingers if I don’t have to.”
CHAPTER ELEVEN
After Devin left, Lily felt relieved he had shown up unexpectedly. Now she didn’t have to spend the weekend wondering when and if he would call, or be dreading Monday. She only had to think about Marty, and she had a month to make her decision without any other distractions to consume her thoughts.
She spent most of Saturday with him. He called her in the morning, as she had been planning to do, and they had a good day together. He told her more about living in Kenya and the family they would be working alongside. He had arranged for them to get together with the Swanson’s the following Saturday, and Lily said that would work for her.
After having a simple lunch at her place, they drove up the Columbia River Gorge and stopped at Multnomah Falls. It was too cold and windy to get out and walk up to the bridge spanning the outflow of the upper falls, but they sat in the car and talked, facing the magnificent sight and enjoying the view. Something about the majestic waterfall always gave her a sense of peace and made the troubles of life seem less urgent.
“I was thinking about something while you were gone this week,” Marty said after they had been talking for quite some time. “And I hope this won’t upset you, but I think it would be best.”
“What’s that?”
“I don’t think I should kiss you anymore.”
She wasn’t sure how she felt about that and didn’t reply.
“You’re mad.”
“No,” she said quickly. “Surprised, maybe. But I think I understand where you’re coming from on that.”
“I love kissing you, Lily. Too much. I start and don’t want to stop, and if we end up not getting married, I don’t want either of us to have any regrets about our time together.”
“I understand,” she said. “I enjoy your kisses too, but they make me feel nineteen again and could have an effect on the decision I make.”
He smiled and looked like he wanted to break his vow right then and there, but he didn’t. “Come on, let’s go into the gift shop and see if I can get around to buying you a Christmas present.”
They hurried across the parking lot through the cold wind and ducked into the warm shop. After browsing around for a bit, Lily spotted something she would like to have and pointed the leather-bound journal out to Marty. It wasn’t too expensive, but enough to make Marty feel that he had gotten her something special. The soft brown cover had a delicate arrangement of flowers burned into the leather.
“Is this for your poetry?”
She nodded, not surprised he had remembered that about her. She had written tons back in college while they were dating, but not as much lately. Her current circumstances were bound to provide some moments of inspiration, and she decided to start writing again, feeling determined to fill the blank pages with her creative thoughts and tender messages from her heart.
It wasn’t until that evening when Marty told her good night at the door that she wavered about his decision to not kiss her being a good one. He seemed to have an equally hard time, but once she stepped inside and closed the door behind her, she knew it was for the best. If she deci
ded to marry him, she would have the rest of her life to enjoy his kisses, but if she chose to let him go, their restraint would benefit any future relationships either of them had, and possibly make it easier to say good-bye.
The following afternoon Lily needed to review the Bible study materials Pastor John had given her that morning at church. She had agreed to lead one of the small groups for the youth Bible studies, something she had done in the past and looked forward to doing again. She had taken a break over the summer and this fall because she had been doing it for a couple of years and was starting to feel burned out.
Looking over the first lesson, Lily felt the bug coming over her once again. She loved teaching high school girls about God, sharing the excitement of the wonderful plans He had for them and encouraging them to seek Him with all of their heart. This study looked especially good for that particular message she felt was crucial for young people to grasp before they became entrenched in the trials and hardships of the adult world. She knew her own relationship with God during those formative years had been such a help to her as she faced decisions about college, dating, and seeking the life God had for her.
The study was based on one particular verse tucked away in the Bible that she wasn’t certain she had ever taken notice of before. Isaiah 43:10 read: “But you are my witnesses, O Israel!” says the LORD. “And you are my servant. You have been chosen to know me, believe in me, and understand that I alone am God. There is no other God; there never has been and never will be.”
The first lesson, the one they would be going over this Wednesday, was a general overview of the words God speaks in Isaiah, pointing out that God has a purpose for His people, a plan for each life He created, and His desire to have everyone know Him.
Looking over the lesson and jotting down her thoughts for each of the questions, Lily felt a peace settle over her heart, being reminded that God had a plan for her. She may not know what that was at this point, but she knew He did, and that brought her tremendous comfort.
Lily Fields (Garden of Love 1) Page 9