Getting back to school on Monday helped also. Max seemed to pick up right where they had left off before the holiday break, and she found his eagerness to learn and the pride he took in doing most of the review pages with ease refreshing. He was able to tell her several things he had done during his vacation and list some presents he had gotten for Christmas. When she had first begun working with him back in September, he often had trouble telling her what he had done at recess or in music class when she wasn’t with him.
“I am so proud of you, Max,” she said when he finished copying his spelling words for the week onto his paper. “You did so good today!”
“Yeah,” he said, giggling softly. “I did. Max did good!”
Hearing the uncommon inflection in his voice when he said the word good, she didn’t correct his use of his own name rather than saying, “I”. Instead she hugged him and told him to get his backpack and coat.
After Max and the other children had gone, Lily thought about how she would miss being Max’s aide if she were to leave before the school year ended. She had enjoyed her other years of teaching, but with Max she felt like she’d found what she was meant to do.
Deciding to do something she had thought about several times throughout the day, she stopped by her supervisor’s office on her way out. Sherry welcomed her warmly and asked how things had gone today. She kept up on Max’s progress on a regular basis, and Lily often went to her for advice and ideas on how to best help Max. But today she had something else to inquire about.
“We’ve never talked about this, but there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you.”
Sherry rose from her desk to put away some files. “What’s on your mind?”
“Do you have any plans to switch things around next year and have someone else work with Max, or is this going to be a long-term assignment for me?”
“That depends,” Sherry said.
“On what?”
“Max’s progress, your willingness to continue with him, his parents’ wishes. Based on what I’ve seen and heard thus far, I see no reason to make a change, unless that’s what you want.”
“Oh, no,” she smiled. “I’m happy to continue with Max. I was only curious.”
Sherry took her coat from a peg on the wall and slipped some files into her attaché case. “Since we know change can disrupt Max’s progress, I’d prefer to leave things the way they are. No use wasting his time with someone else having to spend the first month or two of second grade figuring him out when you already know him. Unless something major changes in the next six months, I think it’s safe to say we’ll be leaving things as they are.”
“Thanks, Sherry,” she said, stepping away from the desk. “That’s good to know.”
“Keep up the good work, Lily. The progress Max is making with you is truly phenomenal.”
She smiled and told Sherry good night. Once outside in the chilled winter air, Lily took a deep breath and breathed another prayer. Knowing the Swanson family had been praying for a teacher for their girls had been a small indication God may indeed want her to be in Kenya, but Sherry’s confirmation of what she had already assumed about Max set her right back to where she had started.
Driving to her apartment, she hurried inside to escape the biting wind and greeted Meow and Tweet as usual. After getting some food for her ravenous cat, she went to her bedroom to change and heard her phone ring. Picking up, she said a cheery hello to Rose, but got an uncheery response.
“Hi, Lily,” her sister managed to sputter out before bursting into tears.
“What wrong, Rosie?”
Rose could only cry for several seconds before choking out her words. “Geoffrey and I had a fight. We might not be getting married.”
“Oh, Rosie. What happened?”
Her sister couldn’t reply.
“Where are you?”
“At home.”
“Do you want me to come over?”
“Are you at home? C-Can I come there? I don’t want Mom and Dad to know about this yet.”
“I’m here. Calm down and drive safe, okay? We’ll sort this out. I’m sure it’s not as bad as it seems.”
Clicking off the phone, Lily prayed for wisdom. She had never been good at this sort of thing--comforting those who were hurting. She was a good listener, but she didn’t always know what to say. Taking some confidence in the fact that Rose had called her instead of one of her friends, she finished changing her clothes and went to put the milk on for hot chocolate.
Rose arrived within fifteen minutes, and Lily welcomed her with a long hug at the door. Her sister’s eyes were puffy and red, and Lily wondered what had happened and how long Rose had been upset before calling her.
Lily went to get them some of her homemade hot chocolate and then joined Rose on the couch, ready to listen and help in any way she could. Rose informed her that she had gotten upset this afternoon when she met Geoffrey for lunch. They hadn’t seen each other all weekend because she had to work. They were supposed to have the entire afternoon and evening together, but he said he needed to study. Between school, work, and Geoffrey’s internship at the hospital, they hadn’t had much time together for the last several months.
“I lost it,” Rose said. “I’ve been trying hard to be understanding and remind myself that this is the way it’s going to be for the next few years until med school and his residency are behind us, but lately it’s been too much. I don’t know if I can take it anymore, Lil.”
Not knowing how to respond, Lily took Rose into her arms and let her cry some more. After seeing her sister and Geoffrey together a few times in the last two weeks, she knew Rose loved him and Geoffrey loved her.
“It’s going to be okay, Rosie,” she said. “Don’t give up. All couples have difficult moments. I’m sure the two of you will work this out.”
Rose sniffled and wiped her tears on a tissue. “I don’t know if he can forgive me for some of the things I said. I was awful.”
“What did he say?”
“Not much. I said ‘I don’t know if I want us to get married if this is the way it’s going to be,’ and he said, ‘If that’s the way you feel, maybe we shouldn’t.’ Then he got up and left the cafeteria. That’s what he always does when we have an argument. He doesn’t want to talk about it.”
“That might not be such a bad thing, Rosie. Maybe he doesn’t want to say something he’ll regret.”
“I know. I don’t deserve him, Lil. He’s always good to me, and all I do is complain.” She started crying again, and Lily held her. When all her tears were spent, Lily talked her into going out to get some dinner, and their conversation turned to other things. Lily told her about Devin dropping by unannounced and about some of the things she and Marty had talked about.
Rose was both supportive and amused in response to her uncharacteristic moments. Lily was happy to give her sister something to laugh about. And sharing her thoughts and feelings about Marty helped her gain some perspective.
Rose didn’t feel like going home, and Lily invited her to spend the night with her. After calling Mom and Dad to let them know where she was, Rose turned the conversation back to Geoffrey. She spoke more calmly and rationally than she had before.
“I know I love him, Lil. I know I want to marry him. But how am I supposed to deal with the little bit of time we have together? I don’t know if I can handle this for another four years.”
“I’m certainly no expert, Rosie. Ignore me if this sounds too simplistic, but I think you have to trust love to carry you through. Not seeing him as much as you’d like might be hard, but don’t you think not having Geoffrey at all would be even harder?”
Rose nodded and blinked back tears. “So now what am I supposed to do? What if I drove him away for good this time?”
Lily smiled, thinking of the way she had seen Geoffrey looking at her little sister that day on the beach and when he had given her the engagement ring. “I don’t think he’ll let you get away that easy.”
“I won’t keep you,” Marty said. “I only wanted to hear your voice.”
“Thanks. It’s good to hear yours too.”
“Are we still on for tomorrow night?”
“Yes. I should be home by four-thirty.”
“I’ll be there.”
Lily told him good night and went to find Rose who had disappeared upstairs. She had borrowed some pajamas from her drawer and put them on and gone into the bathroom to wash her face.
“Was that Marty?” she asked after patting her wet skin with a towel.
“Yes,” Lily replied, leaning against the door frame.
“Are you any closer to making a decision?”
She sighed. “No.” Thinking about her talk with Sherry this afternoon, she elaborated. “Every time I think of one reason to go, it seems like I come up with an equal reason to not go.”
Rose hung up her towel and asked if she had an extra toothbrush. Lily opened the drawer where she kept extra tubes of toothpaste and found an unopened brush as well. She handed it to Rose and then went to sit on the end of her bed.
Rose unwrapped the toothbrush and put some paste on the bristles. Turning around to face her, she leaned against the doorway and had that look she always got when an idea or a particular thought came to her.
“What did you say about thinking of reasons to go and not go?”
Lily recalled her words and repeated them. “Every time I think of a reason to go, I think of another not to?”
Rose took a moment to ponder her words once again before responding. “You know, Lily. I can think of a lot of reasons to not marry Geoffrey: His schedule, our disagreements, little things I find annoying, his love for football, his aversion to the ballet, his taste in music...
Rose listed several more things, and Lily began to wonder if she and Geoffrey were compatible after all. Exactly what did they see in each other?
“But you know what?”
“What?”
“Bottom line: I love him. It’s not about reasons to marry him or not marry him. It’s about love. I love him, so I’m willing to put up with his little quirks and not having as much time with him as I’d like. Like you said, I’d rather have what we have than nothing at all.”
Lily understood what she meant. She had been trying to weigh the positives and negatives of marrying Marty, but what she needed to be doing was deciding if she loved him or not. Him. Not the life they would have together, but just him.
“If Geoffrey told you he was going to Africa to be a missionary doctor, would you go with him?”
“Absolutely,” Rose replied. “No doubt in my mind.”
Rose turned back to the sink to brush her teeth, and Lily sat for a moment, pondering her sister’s response before going downstairs to turn off the lights and check the locks. As she turned off the light in the living room, she heard a soft knock. Going to the door, she looked through the peephole and smiled.
She opened the door and let Geoffrey inside.
“Is she here?” he asked.
Lily nodded and pointed toward the bedroom. “Go ahead,” she said.
She hung back, letting Geoffrey go find Rose. Her sister emerged from the bedroom as Geoffrey reached the top of the stairs. Rose lifted her eyes and caught sight of him. A smile slowly spread across her face.
“I’m sorry, baby,” Geoffrey said. “I didn’t mean what I said.”
“Me neither,” Rose replied, stepping into his arms and letting his large frame hold her petite one. “I love you, Geoffrey.”
Lily turned away from the sweet reunion and went to stare out the window. Overlooking the dark street and thinking about what Rose had said a few minutes ago, she knew she needed to figure out if she loved Marty like Rose loved Geoffrey: unconditionally and undeniably.
But how was she supposed to do that?
CHAPTER TWELVE
Taking her Bible, notebook, and study sheets from the front seat of her car, Lily was glad she had found a parking space in the church’s small lot and made a mad dash through the rain to a side door of the building. She made a quick stop in the ladies’ room to check her hair and tuck some windblown copper strands into their proper place before proceeding to the youth room where the Wednesday night program was held. After hanging up her coat, she found an open chair next to one of the girls she had in her group and felt prepared for the evening ahead.
Last week’s lesson had gone well, and Lily had gone home feeling glad she had agreed to be a small group leader once again. As she gathered with the roomful of teenagers to sing and pray before separating into their small groups, Lily found herself praying for direction concerning Marty. She only had another two and a half weeks to make her decision.
Going to the classroom with her girls, she let them chat for a few minutes while she laid out her notes and erased the white-board, then got underway. The title of tonight’s study was, “To Know Him.”
Lily had already gone over the scripture passages and questions at home and felt anxious to share with her group of girls the importance of getting to know God. After going over several of the questions about why we need to get to know God on a personal level, to “get close to His Heart” as the lesson put it, she went on to the question she had placed a star by, reminding herself to drive home this point.
“If you want to know God better, what are some practical ways you can do that?”
Several answers came from the students. Praying, reading the Bible, going to church. Lily agreed with them and asked if they could think of anything else.
“Asking Him to reveal Himself to you?” one girl in the group suggested.
Lily smiled. That had been the answer she had been waiting for. “Yes. We should ask Him to make Himself real to us. Sometimes we go looking for God and when we don’t find Him, we think He’s far away or ignoring us. But that’s usually because we’re not looking for the right things. We’re looking for answers, not for Him. We’re looking for head-knowledge instead of seeking His Heart.”
Lily went on to ask how many of them currently did any of the things they had listed. Most said they went to church, some said they prayed and read their Bible sometimes, and none of them had ever asked God to reveal Himself to them. She challenged them to do that.
She finished up the lesson by explaining how getting to know God is like getting to know a friend. “Spending time with the person is crucial. You can’t get to know them if you never see them or talk to them. The same is true with God.”
On the drive home Lily remembered how she had reacted to the lesson when she had gone over it by herself before this evening. She had realized that’s what she needed to do with Marty. She had to get to know him for who he was now, not who he had been at nineteen. Since Sunday, she had either called him or seen him every day, and she planned to call him tonight when she got home. She may have less than three weeks to make her decision, but she planned to use every single one of those days.
After talking to Marty for an hour, Lily got ready for bed and took out her journal to write her thoughts before going to sleep. Lying on her yellow flannel sheets with a pillow tucked under her chest, she wrote a poem about Marty:
He makes me laugh; He makes me smile
Without even trying, it seems.
Like a gentle rain, or the morning sun
His friendship refreshes me.
I loved him once, I love him now.
And I feel free to fall in love
But Marty, my friend, I still don’t know
Are you the one for me?
Two weeks later, Lily reread those words, added two more verses, and softly cried herself to sleep. Despite talking to Marty every day, spending several days with him, and giving herself the freedom to fall in love, it hadn’t happened. She had been in love with Marty once, and she still
cared for him immensely, but she didn’t think they were meant to share their lives together.
God’s peace accompanied her decision. She didn’t understand why God had brought Marty back into her life, but she could not ignore what her heart was telling her.
That Saturday, she told Marty how she felt. She knew Marty was disappointed and didn’t understand, but she hoped the poem she placed in his hand before they parted would help him to let her go.
The following morning, Lily went to church and told Josie about the decision she had made. Josie invited her over to her apartment for the afternoon, and they watched a tear-jerker movie together. Josie was right about it being the perfect remedy.
“I’m actually okay,” she told Josie after the movie ended. “I know I made the right decision. There’s no doubt in my mind about that. But I’m hoping Marty will be all right. I don’t understand why he still feels the same way about me as he did in college, but I don’t.”
Josie said something that surprised her. “I’m starting to get that feeling about Mark and me.”
“What? You don’t think he has those kinds of feelings for you?”
“The other way around.”
“Oh,” Lily replied, unsure of what else to say. She hadn’t sensed anything between Mark and Josie that indicated a problem.
“It may be too soon to know,” Josie said. “He’s said some things that make me believe he sees us as something serious, but it may take me more time to get to that point. Trusting men isn’t one of my strengths.”
“That’s understandable,” Lily said, knowing that Tommy’s father had turned away from her in college when Josie had gotten pregnant. “Don’t feel rushed into getting serious because Mark may be feeling that way. From now on I plan to take any relationship I get involved in very slow. I never want to have to decide something so major in a short amount of time.”
“I’m not giving up on us yet,” Josie said. “Love progresses at different paces for different people. Mark’s not pressuring me or anything, but he’s certainly not hiding how he feels about me. Sometimes I feel bad when I can’t say the things in return that he’s saying, but I think he understands.”
Lily Fields (Garden of Love 1) Page 10