Ted instructed them to turn to another place in their Bibles: Luke 19:41-44. He read the passage:
“But as they came closer to Jerusalem and Jesus saw the city ahead, he began to cry. ‘I wish even today you would find the way of peace. But now it is too late, and peace is hidden from you. Before long your enemies will build ramparts against your walls and encircle you and close in on you. They will crush you to the ground, and your children with you. Your enemies will not leave a single stone in place, because you have rejected the opportunity God offered you.’”
Ted paused a moment. Lily felt tears welling up in her eyes. They were for Peter. But she wasn’t the only one who cared about him. Jesus did too. He loved Peter, and she had to believe that.
“Jesus wants nothing more than for us to believe and have peace. Jerusalem was rejecting the One who could give them that, and it brought Him to tears.
“I think the same thing is happening in this scene with Lazarus’ mourners. Martha said she believed, but Jesus knew her heart, and Mary’s, and the rest of the people’s. They had stopped believing. They couldn’t see past their own grief to see Him, The Resurrection and The Life standing right there before them--able to do the impossible.
“In verse forty, Jesus says it all with these words to Martha: ‘Didn’t I tell you that you will see God’s glory if you believe?’”
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Lily had to get up and go out into the hallway. Thankful to see it empty, she let the sobs escape her throat. She was grieving for herself. The last six weeks she had been grieving because she and Peter couldn’t be together, but now she wept for her own unbelief. She had been telling herself and everyone else that she was trusting God to do this, but she wasn’t. Her heart was filled with doubt and hopelessness. Josie came to find her and held her for several moments.
“I’m such a hypocrite, Josie. I teach others about trusting God, but I’m not doing it myself.”
“You’re trusting Him, sweetie. If you weren’t, you would be trying to make it happen yourself.”
“I know, but in my heart, I’m doubting Him.”
“You’re doing the best you can, Lily. Ask Jesus to help you with the rest. Ask Him to give you the faith to believe that Peter belongs to Him and He’s going to get him back.”
Lily stared at her for a moment. “God told me that,” she whispered, feeling a strange sensation pass through her. “God told me: ‘Peter is Mine.’”
“I’ve got goose-bumps,” Josie said, smiling broadly.
“Oh, Josie. I feel like I need to pray.”
“Let’s go outside,” she said, leading the way to a side door. They stepped out into the warm sunshine, and Lily breathed in the refreshing spring air. They walked to a raised flower bed along the side of the building and perched themselves on the concrete edge.
“Do you know Jeremiah 24:7?” Josie asked.
Lily shook her head.
“I always pray it for my sister, and it’s the verse my brother and sister-in-law always claimed for me before I knew God.”
“What does it say?”
“I will give them a heart to know me, that I am the LORD. They will be my people, and I will be their God, for they will return to me with all their heart.”
Lily sighed. “Will you pray that for Peter right now?”
Josie took her hands and prayed, turning the words of the verse into a prayer for Peter. And she also prayed for her that she could believe He would give Peter a heart to know Him. Lily followed with her own words.
“I echo Josie’s words, Father God. I don’t think it can be said any better than that. Give Peter a heart to know you. I do believe you can do this.”
Josie echoed her amen and they held each other again. By the time they got back to the classroom, it was time to go to the auditorium. Lily poured out her heart to God as she sang in worship, wiping tears from her cheeks more than once and feeling a stronger, more genuine faith entering her heart.
Mark joined them halfway through the pastor’s message. Josie invited her to come to the apartment and have lunch with them afterwards, but she declined, knowing Josie and Mark needed some time together and feeling like she wanted to spend some time by herself after her emotional morning.
She decided to go for a bike ride after eating a simple lunch at her apartment. It was a perfect day. Beautiful sunshine, a slight breeze, mildly warm. She had been waiting for such a day during this rainy spring, and she rode all around downtown and crossed to the other side of the Willamette River. She took a break then, soaking up the warm rays, gazing out at the sun-kissed current, and sipping her water.
She felt different. God had moved her heart in some way this morning during Ted’s lesson and as she prayed with Josie. She wasn’t certain how exactly, but she felt changed and renewed. One of her life prayers was to seek God’s Heart and know Him more deeply. And that’s how she felt today--close to His Heart.
After riding around for another hour, she returned to her apartment and took a shower. She had a message waiting on her phone, and she listened to Josie’s voice. She was checking to make sure she was okay. Lily assured her she was fine when she saw her at youth group later.
Pastor John shared the simple message of coming to God through Jesus that evening, as he often did on Sunday nights. And Lily had a girl in her group that she thought might not know God. Kyla had been coming for about three months with another girl that attended regularly. She had asked some basic questions about Christianity several times during the small group prayer time they always had. Lily had always answered them as best she could, trying not to complicate the simple message of God’s unconditional love for them. She had also given her a Bible in an easy-to-read translation and had marked some books and verses for her to look at.
Lily’s heart leapt when she saw Kyla walk forward during the closing song when Pastor John asked if anyone wanted to come to Jesus tonight. Lily went forward also, kneeling with her at the front and helping her pray a simple prayer of faith. She felt like God was saying something to her own heart also.
See, I do this all the time. Peter’s day is coming too.
Afterwards Lily hugged her and told Kyla she was always available to talk if she had more questions. Kyla thanked her for helping her understand so much already.
“I always leave here feeling like you really care about me and would sit and talk with me all night if I wanted to. This might sound weird, but I feel like I see God in you. Like He’s not just out there somewhere, but that He’s right here in this room, in you and in my friend, smiling at me and talking with me and loving me.”
“That sounds about right to me,” Lily laughed. “He is in me, and now He’s in you. Don’t be afraid to let others see Him.”
“I won’t,” she said. “I have a friend that I’ve been thinking of inviting, and now I really want to. She needs to know there are people like you and that there is a God who loves her.”
Lily thought about Kyla’s words on her way home. She was glad that Kyla had seen God’s love shining through her, but she wondered if she had done the same thing for Peter. Had she been too quick to shut down her heart toward him simply because he didn’t believe in God like she did? Had she shown him God’s unconditional love like she always tried to do with everyone else, or had she only judged him like he had accused her of?
Arriving home, she greeted Meow at the door and said hello to Tweet, then went to her bedroom to prepare for bed. She hadn’t been getting much sleep lately. Tomorrow would be a busy day with the play taking place in the evening, and she needed to get some good rest, but her thoughts were all over the place, and she didn’t know if they would allow her to sleep. Maybe she needed to call Peter and apologize to him for her behavior, to give him some grace in this and let him know she didn’t hate him. She had never felt hatred toward him, but he didn’t know that, and she could see how walking away from him and never speaking to him again could convey that message.
But at the same t
ime she didn’t know what else she could do. She didn’t want to call and apologize for being so strong-willed about this but then have to say she still couldn’t be with him if he didn’t have any interest in God and His ways. She lived her life by them, and if he didn’t, she didn’t see how they could share their lives with one another. She could offer him friendship without allowing it to go beyond that, but mere friendship wasn’t what she truly wanted, and she doubted he did either. He hadn’t flown 600 miles to see her because he only wanted to be friends, and he hadn’t kissed her with such passion and tenderness in his parents’ driveway for that purpose either.
As she crawled between the floral sheets she had put on fresh this afternoon, she laid her head on her pillow and did the only thing she felt that she could do at this point. She surrendered it all to God once again. Maybe she had made a mess of everything and done everything wrong, but His grace was still enough. It had to be or she may as well give up hope. And she wasn’t ready to do that yet. God had spoken to her too many times about trusting Him and waiting on Him and believing, even when all hope seemed lost.
She closed her eyes and heard her phone ring almost immediately. She considered not answering and letting it go to voice mail, supposing it was most likely her mom getting back to her about what night to come over for dinner this week, but at the last second she reached across her night table and clicked it on without bothering to check the display.
“Hello?”
A momentary silence followed. Then, like a warm summer breeze tickling her ear, she heard his voice. “Lily?”
“Yes.” She held her breath.
“Hi. This is Peter. I hope this isn’t too late to call.”
“No, this is fine,” she said, sitting up fully.
“It’s good to hear your voice, Lily. I’ve missed you.”
She swallowed hard, knowing she felt the same way, but wondering why he was calling. “I’ve missed you too,” she replied, unable to say anything else. Her throat felt constricted, and she didn’t know if she could make it through this conversation. She had things she wanted to say to him, but she didn’t know where to start.
Peter spoke again. His voice sounded broken and tender.
“Can I ask you something, Lily?”
“Yes.”
“You know that conversation we had the last time we spoke?”
“Yes.”
“Do you think maybe we could have a do-over?”
She had been thinking the same thing five minutes ago. She had been wishing for another chance to go back in time and relive those ten minutes. To handle the situation differently and say things a different way. She wasn’t sure what she would have said or done instead, but she had wanted that chance.
“What do you mean?” she asked.
“I mean, I said some stupid things, and I’m sorry.” He paused and then went on. “Will you forgive me?”
She didn’t have to think about her response. She didn’t know where this conversation was going or where they might end up, but she could say that much. “I forgive you. I don’t hate you, Peter, honestly.”
“Why? I was awful. I don’t deserve forgiveness.”
She wasn’t sure what to say. She knew why, but did he want to hear that? She thought for a moment and then spoke the truth. Maybe he would reject her reason, but that’s all she had to give him.
“I forgive you because forgiveness is the only way, Peter. We all make mistakes and life gets hard and complicated sometimes, but love can always rescue us.”
He was silent for a moment and then spoke again. “I did something today.”
“What?”
“I let Jesus forgive me.”
She smiled but felt shocked. “What?”
“I met Him today.”
She closed her eyes and had the most amazing feeling sweep through her. She couldn’t speak. A smile remained on her face but was joined by tears dripping softly onto her cheeks.
“And I was wondering if maybe we could have that conversation at Tahoe over again. Like when you said it wasn’t that complicated and you were willing to tell me about it. Maybe I’ll listen this time instead of being such an idiot.”
She laughed. “It sounds like you don’t need me to tell you! What happened?”
He sighed and went back to that day, explaining how he had felt while they were having the conversation and then jumping ahead a few weeks to Easter when he came to the realization that he was miserable because of the way he had treated her and he couldn’t stand it anymore. He had gotten up early on his day off and went to church, not expecting to like it, but he actually had, especially the message.
“The pastor reminded me of my brothers by the way he talked, and he even sort of looked like Mark and Tony, which made me feel like I belonged there, if that makes any sense.”
“What did you like about what he said?”
“He didn’t say anything different than what Mark and Tony have told me before, but it hit me different. I was feeling really low about what I had done to you, and I didn’t think there was any way I could make up for it, even if I agreed to believe what you believe, but somewhere along the line I realized it wasn’t about that. It wasn’t about trying to please you or make up for anything. It was about me. My heart felt dark and empty, but the moment I considered the possibility that God could forgive me, and that maybe you could too, I had this incredible feeling of hope and peace.”
“That was weeks ago. Why didn’t you call me then?”
“I wanted to, but I didn’t feel like I could. I spent that week doing a lot of thinking, but I ended up back where I had started. Then the following Sunday I had to work, and we had a pretty slow day. Two guys that usually work the same shifts as me always have this Bible study together on Sunday mornings and invite anyone interested to join them. I decided to give it a try. They are good guys, some of the best that I’ve ever worked with. I figured it was worth joining one time to see what they talked about and maybe ask them some questions.”
Lily had asked God to bring some good Christian men into Peter’s life. She brushed back a tear and continued to listen, laying back on her pillow and tucking her arm under her head.
“They had been reading through John together and discussing what they read. I mostly listened. I was amazed at how they talked about Jesus, like they were talking about one of their good buddies and God at the same time. And then the subject of forgiveness came up again. Terry ended up talking about when he had finally allowed God to forgive him for something that had been hanging over him for a long time. He was already a Christian then, he has been since he was a kid, but he had made a big mistake and felt a lot of regret and had been living in guilt for a long time. He was describing exactly how I felt, and I knew it was either a big coincidence or that God was trying to tell me something.
“After they were done, Terry asked me if I had a church I went to. I figured going on Easter didn’t count, so I said no, and he invited me to the church where he goes. He even offered to pick me up since I live between his house and the church. It’s a lot bigger than the one I had gone to before, but the message about Jesus and God’s love for us was the same, and I’m not sure why, but I started to believe that it could all be true. I ended up going with him the two Sundays after that and joining him and Mike for the Bible study the other weeks when we were working, including this morning.”
“What happened this morning?” she asked, remembering that she and Josie had prayed for him and that she had placed her belief in God’s ability to reach him.
“Well, we were reading the chapter we were on, and we got interrupted by a call for a traffic accident. It turned out to be pretty messy. A family was in the van involved, and when we pulled the woman from the mangled front seat, she had a Bible in her hands, and I lost it. I had to go sit down and put my head between my knees to keep from passing out, and I never do that.
“I felt Jesus touch my heart at that moment. I literally felt like His hand was on my h
eart, and I grabbed my chest. The Chief thought I was having a heart attack and came over to me and told me to lay down. Terry came over to talk to me when he had a chance, and I told him what I felt. He smiled and patted me on the back, promising me we’d talk.
“So, that’s how it happened. God literally grabbed my heart and wouldn’t let go until I surrendered it to Him this afternoon over coffee and day-old donuts. It was wild. I feel like I have so many questions about why God would love me and how I can feel so confident about something that I can’t even explain with words.”
“It’s a growth process, Peter, trust me,” she said, realizing how close God seemed at this moment. “I’m sorry for how I handled everything that day. I--”
“No, Lily. Don’t be sorry. You didn’t do anything wrong. It was me.”
“But I didn’t show you any grace. I--”
“Shh. Don’t blame yourself. Please? I called to ask you for your forgiveness. You never showed me anything but love, Lily. I only wish I could say the same about me.”
She decided to let him have his way. Maybe she had handled things right or maybe she hadn’t, but none of it mattered now.
“I forgive you, Peter. Honestly. With all my heart.”
“Can I still have you, Lily, or is it too late?”
“You can have me.”
“What about that other guy? The one I’m sure deserves you more than I do.”
“I let him go. I only wanted you, Peter. No one else.”
He sighed. “I love you, Lily. I want to see you.”
“I want to see you too.”
They discussed their schedules. He could come tomorrow, but with the school program tomorrow night and Bible study on Tuesday, they decided Friday would be better.
He wanted to know how she had been, and she was honest with him, taking him through some of the details, especially of those first two weeks, but finishing with the hope God had given her, and the joy she felt now, even if it had been a long wait.
“I’ve never met anyone like you, Lily. Why me? Why would you go through all that for me?”
Lily Fields (Garden of Love 1) Page 19