Bullied

by Patrick Connolly

  She became my best friend and the most important person in my life. The way I felt about her was that the love in my body was deeper than the Grand Canyon or the Atlantic Ocean. These feelings overpowered every single part of my mind and body, and not just in those areas below the waist. There was no end to those feelings and I would do anything in my power to make her happy.

  She was, and would remain forever, the love of my life. I was so lucky not to have ended my life by suicide, committing murder or life imprisonment. To me, the struggle of my entire life up to the age of sixteen was about building enough personal determination to get through that pure hell, no matter what. More than that, however, I was fortunate to have built some powerful rules into my mind to guide my behavior. These rules came from my Catholic teachings and especially the Ten Commandments. Without the knowledge of these standards for behavior, I am certain I would have already killed one or more of my antagonists. I had practiced skills in fighting and killing and I knew I could do it easily and probably without regret. Fortunately, I had also developed other moral disciplines in addition to the fighting techniques I learned in the basement of my New York home.

  Without the understanding that I gained from certain Sisters of Charity that I did possess personal abilities that I could draw on later in life, I would not have seen there was any possibility that things could get better. The future would have looked as black and unpromising as the past. Especially at fourteen and fifteen, only months from my rescue to Massachusetts, I was beginning to open up to the possibility of extreme violence with knives and firearms.

  Since I was three years old and found my Father dead of a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head, I have always felt alone, with no one on the planet that I could trust to confide in. I could never trust anyone in my family for that guidance because I knew, from the age of three, that they all lied to me about many things. I had to go through my entire life up until almost the end of my teenage years without meeting anyone I could really trust to be honest, and help me make sense of the many things in the world that I did not understand. I had always desperately wanted a friend like Barbara. She seemed so genuine and trustworthy even after our first meeting that I wanted nothing more than to be with her constantly. If there were any rewards for surviving what I had gone through since the age of three, the event of finding love was the best one I could imagine.

  For the first time, the puzzle of life seemed to make sense, now that I finally was, free of the daily fear and anger from violence, had a more comfortable school environment, a sense of independence from my job and car, and of course, finding my best friend and the love of my life. Above all, that love I feel is the most powerful emotion that could ever exist within me and I finally know why I am alive.

  Chapter X – Our USA Culture, Discrimination and Bullying

  What is it about our society that encourages bullying? We realize the laws of our society follow the concept that “all men are created equal”, but we also know that the United States culture is full of everyday prejudice, and not just racial. This prejudice includes personal image, height, age, weight, handsome or homely, economic class, skin color, complexion, language, and many other personal factors. How close the person measures up to the “ideal” image and appearance generally determines whether he or she is a “winner” or a “loser”. Very few authors and others seem to discuss this subject openly but we all know that a person’s “image” can determine their success or failure in our society. Society considers the right to discriminate as normal and encourages this activity to shape behavior and appearance to resemble the ideal “professional”.

  For example, there is currently an advertisement running in the media regarding a provider of Credit Scores on line. Depicting the three credit reporting agencies are three men dressed in tight dark blue uniforms. Two tall and handsome men show scores in the 700 – 800 range, one short person, overweight and obnoxiously picking his ear, shows a score in the 500 range. This is supposed to be funny but it shows the way our culture focuses on appearance and applies a winning or losing score to every individual, and not just based on their credit score. We all easily understand the meaning of the advertisement, and so do our children.

  In addition, many forms of “action” entertainment stress violence and our heroes who usually vanquish the “bad guys”, constantly stressing the victory of the masculine hero. A desire to be a “winner” and beat the “losers” is one of the most obvious motivators of children as they attempt to dominate others. Unfortunately, in many cases, insecure males in our culture hold on to this concept well into their later years and seem to need constant reassurance of their manhood.

  After graduating from ASU, going on to a career in Sales and Consulting, I did run into one issue with workplace bullying, but not until I was over 55 years old. After that, about the time my hair started to grey I ran into some financial difficulties and began to share a house with the owner and one other tenant.

  I left the home about 4PM to do some shopping and attend a movie. The movie was over about 9:15 and I arrived at my home at about 9:30 PM. After seeing lights on in the front of the house, I assumed one of the roommates who generally enters and leaves by the back door was home. Entering the home, I locked the back door. At about 10 PM the roommate came home and began banging loudly on the back door. He then went around to the front door and entered the home.

  Yelling loudly for me as he entered the home, I opened the door to my bedroom to see him standing there in a threatening position. He yelled and swung a right punch. Blocking the punch, I assumed a defensive stance in my doorway. After shaking his fist from the pain encountered from the blocked punch, he tried the “big man little man intimidation” where the taller person moves close to and looks down at the shorter one to make him fear an encounter. Being well familiar with this strategy, I pushed him back with my two clenched fists striking his chest and kept them in a defensive position as I had trained myself to do many years ago. He then began threatening me to "kick my ass" if I locked the back door again, preferring to have it unlocked all night. I said, "Let's do it now”. "No threats! Kick my ass right now, if you can!” He continued to threaten me with a glaring expression. He will "punch me out and kick my ass", or so he says.

  This person is 6' 4" tall, Caucasian, approximately 230 - 240 pounds, in his forties. As you know, I was 5' 6" tall and 66 years old. I never started a fight in my life but I have finished a few. Somehow, I knew I could finish this one, and possibly kill him, if I wanted to.

  I called the Landlord and told him of the incident. The property owner had already received a call from the tenant who said he "could not get into the house". He lied about this because his room is next to this front entrance, which was unlocked. Unable to enter via the back door, he simply entered with the front entrance with his key.

  This kind of activity is reminiscent of pack hound activity in simply asserting his position of power above the pack. He expected that I would fear him and quietly obey his commands. Little did he know that, as an ex wrestler from my college days, I knew how to take him to the floor and apply a chokehold, if necessary. He also did not expect my determination that this bigger person could not dominate me. In truth, I was much more afraid about what I would do to him than what he could do to me. I was very surprised at my response at my age and the biggest surprise of all was that, when I awoke the next morning that pain in the center of me was back. Until that event, I had forgotten about that pain that stayed with me for ten years, until I was fifteen.

  This incident was a reminder of my thought patterns and strategies used when dealing with this type of person whose mental processes and insecurities had not changed throughout his forty something years. We know, as young male children view films where the heroes are victorious, they are motivated to look for ways to link their manhood with showing their superiority over others. Violence and bullying is one way that boys learn to demonstrate their masculinity over victims that may be socially or phys
ically vulnerable. When they attack their victims, the bullies use every method available in order to show their superiority to the normal bystanders, and more importantly to themselves.

  In addition, currently, as fifty years ago, there is no more powerful negative stigma than for a bully to label his victim as “gay”, as a justification for his actions. To the Bully, it does not matter whether his assertion is true or not, he simply wants assurance of his superiority, so many young children are labeled “queer” or “fag”, as I was, before they even understand what heterosexual relations are all about. As a matter of note, the word “gay” is now an informal but often used term for any form of social or athletic incompetence.

  The number one stigma that bullies use is the LGBT designations applied to both male and female victims. Other justification for the bullying may be the victims’ appearance due to hair color, skin color, race, dress, size or weight. Depending on the socio economic status of the bully, he or she may use names dealing with the victims’ appearance, weight, wealth, religion, or any other factor.

  As the author experienced, adults play a very important part, through their example, in contributing to the harassment laden social system of youth culture. One way that was very visible to the author as a child was the family members’ obvious struggle for rank and authority in their group. Another was the active participation of adult family members in bullying activities of the younger children. In addition, some adults may also continually encourage children to assert their status or authority in their own social groups in order for them to promote their superiority or masculinity. Adolescent social hierarchies gain reinforcement by these adults and due to the local popularity of school sports, the school itself may be a focal point of community life.

  In all parts of youth, adult and corporate culture, a persons’ appearance is paramount, along with their physical attractiveness. In reinforcing a person’s status, other signs also count, such as the quality of their clothing, cars and other possessions that are obvious indicators of wealth and success. We are all aware that the laws of the United States prohibit discrimination based on race and religion but not on other factors such as age, height, weight, dress and physical appearance. People discriminate daily in the selection of their friends, corporate associates in hiring, and all individuals with whom they have any relationship. Discrimination, in the opinion of the author, is widely based on many different issues, and is, unfortunately, a central part of our culture and society. When we discuss this discrimination, however, we refer to it using different terminology, such as hiring “selectively” and choosing our friends “carefully”. It is still discrimination.

  Children, growing up and witnessing discrimination by adults, adopt their own methods for this process, usually focused on eliminating any child that appears “different”. Bullying in some children comes from emulating their family and other adults who are models for this behavior. These adults may pride themselves in their ability to make careful choices in their associates and business partners. In fact, nowhere is the process of discrimination and authority more obvious than in our corporate culture.

  In the Corporate environment, the image and ranking of the presenter, or in the case of our politicians, their “visible impact” is always more important than the content of the presentation or experience with the subject. Especially in the last forty years, the importance of “management by committee” is paramount. During this interactive process, the trend toward major management decisions has more to do with appearance and political correctness. The demise of many large corporations such as Sun Microsystems, Enron, Warehouse Entertainment and others, in the opinion of the author who did consulting projects for these companies, may have a great deal to do with this cultural phenomenon.

  The elite people at the top rungs of our society who attended Harvard and other prestige schools, have a great deal of money and look down on the “little people” just like they did when they were bullies in elementary and high school. In the authors’ opinion, many references to “little people” constantly occur in discussions among politicians that routinely misrepresent their intentions so they can maintain control over our wealth and corporation oriented government.

  The obvious impact of insurance companies paying politicians so they may continue to enhance their profitability is another form of this sanctioned bullying. As we all know, political relationships with banks and other financial institutions are the same because of the fact that, “they have the gold, so they make the rules”, but they do so in impossible to read fine grey print in the agreements they make us approve for their high priced services.

  What is it about our school systems that encourage the belittling, humiliation, intimidation and alienation of one fifth of the school population that reportedly endures frequent bullying? In an attempt to answer that question, we must look at the culture of the school itself, as well as the local society that supports it.

  Attending the same parochial school for eleven years made me very familiar with the ranking concept in place there. At the top of the pyramid were the socially popular or athletic, status oriented people. They seemed to foster and conduct most of the bullying in the school and seemed to perceive themselves as defending the social structure of the school, and acting with the will of the high-ranking students. From their view, it was morally right to treat with bias those “different” from the norm. Fights among children are such normal behavior that no person seems to notice. Observers, such as adults and teachers think it is non-productive effort to get involved when “kids are being kids”. Parents and other teachers approve this attitude by their knowledge that they noted this behavior but did not intervene and this, alone, validates these actions.

  At Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado, the social system was three tiered with jocks on top, most of the rest of the students in the middle, and the “losers” at the bottom. The most popular kids, the athletes, were at the top due to athletic prowess, physical attractiveness and economic status. When some students were the victims of bullying by jocks, other bystander students followed the example of the faculty and teachers by ignoring it. A good portion of the students thought the “losers” deserved this abuse and for this reason, bullying thrives in local cultures that tolerate or encourage it. Everyone in the school knows in which group a particular child belongs and where he or she stands in the social authority and pecking order.

  Telling my story of enduring the cruelty of bullying for many years and the gradual devastating negative impact it had on my mental processes and attitude toward life is unique based on the few books I can find written by victims of bullying. I realize that many children endure similar abuse today. Based on known statistics and researching this issue, I know that many male and female children endure violent and non-violent humiliation and intimidation throughout the United States. Many of these stories end in the suicide of the victim or` in school shootings where the victim acts out in desperation.

  According to the Center for Disease Control Website, www.cdc.gov:

  In 2007, 5,764 young people ages 10 to 24 were murdered—an average of 16 each day. Incidentally, this number is much higher than the 4000 young lives lost in ten years of fighting in Iraq.

  Homicide was the second leading cause of death for young people ages 10 to 24 years old

  Among 10 to 24 year-olds, 86% (4,973) of victims were male and 14% (791) female

  In a 2009, national representative sample of youth in grades 9-12: 9.9% reported they were the victims of bullying at their school in the last 12 months

  What this means is that approximately one out of every five students endures some form of bullying on school property every year and that this may lead to the deaths of approximately 5700 students in the United States every year. This is obviously a big problem and threat to the lives of one fifth of parents with children between the ages of ten through twenty-four years of age.

  We, as parents must know as much as we can about why this
threat exists for our children and what we can do about it. The last chapter of this book will give you a long list of “red flags” based on my personal experiences as a bullied child. These indications from your child’s behavior can alert you as a parent that he or she may be a victim of bullying.

  The first question a parent may have about this dangerous situation for our children is why this violence, especially school shootings, happens. According to research on the subject, the school shooters are sending us a message that they are in overwhelming pain that they cannot stand it any longer. They kill because of daily mistreatment and act in this manner because they consider it a courageous way to end their miserable lives. In my opinion, this act is a final scream in agony after suffering all their lives without the love and assistance they so desperately need.

  This phenomenon may be the nation’s number one public health problem. In 1982, 390 teenagers arrested for homicide were between 13 to 15 years of age. In 1992, that number was 740, nearly double that number. This indicates a growing problem.

  We might expect that most of these killings probably happen in poor neighborhoods, but, to our surprise, many come from affluent neighborhoods such as Littleton, Colorado or Springfield, Oregon. The perpetrators of these violent acts on our children also come in all colors, classes and locations. Why this is happening is that kids kill when they feel alienated, abused, helpless, in terror, and in pain. From the point of view of the author as a child, growing up in the town where Tom Watson started IBM, it was a struggle just to survive. In a world where survival seemed impossible and not worth the effort, to continue to live through each violent day was a personal nightmare of abuse and terror.