Not Without You

by Taylor, Janelle

  “Nola,” Jonathan whispered in agony. The cane supported almost all of his weight. Kelsey wondered if she should put her arm around him, but the furious energy emanating from Nola prevented her.

  “I don’t want to talk .…” Turning away quickly, Nola headed blindly down the hallway toward the bank of elevators, her heels clicking angrily against the polished linoleum. A pregnant pause ensued.

  Kelsey gazed at Jonathan, who inhaled on a deep, shaking breath. “Where was he going?” he asked again.

  Kelsey shook her head. “I don’t know.”

  I’m sorry hung between them, but neither uttered a word. Jonathan turned in the direction of his wife and moved away slowly, his limping steps barely more than a shuffle.

  Entering Jarred’s room, Kelsey steeled herself for that “ first look at her husband. He lay asleep, breathing wispily, the bruises on his face starting to turn yellow—the color that meant the blood was dispersing, the patient healing. But even the bruises’ sallow ugliness couldn’t hide Jarred’s innate handsomeness. His nose was straight and aquiline, his brow strong, his lashes dense and unfairly long for a male. She’d teased him about them once, in the first blush of their relationship, and he’d regarded her with that faint smile of indulgence that she had mistaken for affection. One arm lay strapped to his chest, the other limp against the bedcovers. She glanced at his fingers. They were long and sensual, and once upon a time, they had swept across the hill of her cheekbone, his thumb lingering near her lips while his eyes, a strong steely blue, had stared into her own amber ones with a message of pure desire.

  “Kelsey?”

  She gasped and jumped, whirling at the sound, her heart slamming. Rising from a chair tucked in the corner was Jarred’s half brother, Will Bryant. Will had taken his father’s name after his mother sued Jonathan Bryant for parental support and dumped her illegitimate son on Nola and Jonathan.

  “Will, you startled me!” she half whispered, half laughed.

  “I’m sorry.” His answer was a whisper, too. Neither wanted to wake Jarred, nor did they want him to overhear their conversation. “I was just thinking. My father and Nola just left.”

  “I know. I met them in the hallway.” She walked to the back of the room, where Will sat.

  He wasn’t as tall as Jarred, nor as naturally goodlooking, but he possessed qualities Jarred would never have: compassion and interest in others. But today he gazed at Kelsey rather piercingly. She hadn’t seen him since the night of the accident, and then they’d all been shocked, raw and dumbly disbelieving.

  “How’s Danielle?” Kelsey asked automatically.

  “Okay.” Will shrugged. He was always noncommital about his wife. The state of their marriage was as bad as Kelsey and Jarred’s, although they still resided beneath the same roof.

  “You talked to him?” Will asked, inclining his head in Jarred’s direction.

  “Well… we spoke a few words.”

  “Dr. Alastair said he’s come to a couple of times.”

  “It wasn’t exactly enlightening. Jarred doesn’t seem to remember much.”

  “He doesn’t remember anything,” Will corrected her. “Not even his own name.”

  Kelsey absorbed that. “It’s too early to tell.”

  “Is it? He didn’t say so, but I could tell Dr. Alastair was concerned. Something’s not right. Nola and my father suspect it, too. So does Sarah.”

  Kelsey’s nerves jumped. Sarah Ackerman was not someone she cared to think about. It was common knowledge that Sarah, employed by Bryant Industries, was Jarred’s right-hand woman at work and, as rumor went, in the bedroom as well. Kelsey had once firmly believed the rumor, though with time she’d grown to wonder exactly where rumor started and truth ended. Nothing was ever as it seemed.

  “Sarah came to see him?” she ventured, though the words tasted foul on her tongue.

  “We’re all worried. For chrissakes, Kelsey, Jarred is Bryant Industries. He’s the only one who knows what’s really going on.” He waved away her look. “Sure, I’m with him on most deals, but Jarred’s Jarred, you know? It’s not like he would relate everything to me. He’s not made that way.”

  “No, he’s not,” she agreed.

  “I’ve been waiting here for him to wake up. I really need to talk to him. And not just about business,” he added swiftly.

  “Did I say anything?”

  “You didn’t have to. I know what that sounded like. But he’s my brother.”

  Silence followed his last words, echoing a hidden emotion that wasn’t so carefully hidden after all. Will loved Jarred. That was clear. Kelsey, who generally didn’t exactly know what she felt for Will, was swamped by a flood of affection for him. At least his motivation was pure. His familial motivation, at any rate. As far as the business part of it went, she wouldn’t trust anyone inside or out of Bryant Industries. They were all too focused on the making of money, money, money.

  Glancing at his watch, Will muttered impatiently, “I’ve got to go back to the office tonight. I really wanted to talk to him. If he wakes up, what are you going to say?”

  “I’m not supposed to say anything. Dr. Alastair wants Jarred to remember on his own.”

  Jarred stirred, exhaling in a deep breath. Kelsey glanced around sharply, her pulse leaping skyward. Walking over to his bed, Will stared down at his brother, and Kelsey took a place by his side. Only when Jarred remained asleep did she relax again. She wanted him to wake up, too, but she didn’t relish what the future had in store for any of them.

  Disappointment clouded Will’s face. He leaned toward Kelsey, as if to give her a brotherly kiss, thought better of it, and managed a brief hug instead. “Keep in touch.”

  “I will. Good-bye.”

  He nodded, then left. Kelsey sat in the chair next to Jarred’s bed, feeling the effects of the day. She should make an appearance at work as well, but she was just too tired. Trevor, though sympathetic to Jarred’s plight, didn’t spend a lot of time dwelling on things. He was a man in constant motion. She knew he was about finished with feeling generous about the time she’d taken for this accident. They were in the middle of a project that required her attention, and she could visualize him pacing the floor, struggling to hide his impatience at her lengthy disappearance.

  But too bad. She wasn’t ready to face her other obligations yet. She was, whether she liked it or not, Jarred’s wife, and she needed to be by his side during this terrible time.

  Not exactly knowing why, Kelsey moved her chair a bit closer, gazing at the contours of Jarred’s face and the dark wave of his hair, staring at him as if she’d never seen him before. So much of their life together she’d been uncomfortable in his presence. He’d been so—he was so—piercingly intent. If he were awake she could never have just looked at him like this. His eyes would have been staring right back at her, daring her to explain what she thought she was doing, silently mocking her unrequited love for him.

  So now her eyes drank in the sight of him. She pored over the smallest details from the shape of his hairline to the small white half-moons on his fingernails. The ugly bruises that marred his skin, yet couldn’t disguise his handsome profile. His strong jaw. The arch of his throat and Adams’s apple. Spiky dark lashes and the curl of his hair at the base of his ear.

  When she was finished, her brow furrowed in puzzlement and loss. Why? Why had things come to pass as they had? Why had he married her?

  Glancing down at his hands, she felt a lump grow in her throat at the sight of the thin gold band she’d purchased for him. It wasn’t horribly expensive, but it had been for her in those days. He’d never taken it off, even when he’d been unfaithful to her after that night of their worst fight. She’d accused him of that unfaithfulness—with Sarah Ackerman, no less!—and he’d furiously snarled that he should be sleeping with other women since Kelsey had set the rules.

  With a careful finger, she touched the gold band, lightly tracing her fingers over his. When she glanced up again at his face,
she got a cold jolt.

  Jarred’s blue eyes were open and staring at her. In that smooth drawl that so unnerved her, he said, “Hello, Kelsey.”

  Chapter Two

  “You—you know me?” Surprised, Kelsey leaned backward. “You recognize me?”

  The way he was looking at her unraveled Kelsey’s nerves. He seemed so… so… so happy to see her!

  He’s medicated for the pain, she reminded herself. Don’t confuse drug-induced euphoria with something else.

  “I heard him call you by name,” Jarred rasped out, as if the words were scratching his throat as they passed through. “Will.”

  Kelsey fought back some very strange feelings. It was odd, this loss of his memory. And the way he seemed now… Good grief, it was almost as if he wanted her here! But Jarred hadn’t wanted her in years.

  “I thought you remembered me,” she said. “But you don’t remember then?”

  “Not much. Who’s Will?”

  Kelsey exhaled a pent-up breath. “Will is…” Collecting herself, she shook her head. “I’m not supposed to be your memory for you, Jarred. You’re supposed to recall everything yourself.”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t know. I guess it’s a function of your getting better. Some kind of yardstick maybe? All I know is that I don’t want to get in the way of what Dr. Alastair feels is best for you.”

  Jarred seemed to think that over. “Dr. Alastair,” he repeated after a long moment. “The one with the small beard and big ears.”

  Kelsey’s lips parted in surprise. Jarred was many things, but rarely was he the observer of small things such as the appearance of others. He was just moving too fast. “That sounds like Dr. Alastair,” she admitted.

  “Well, I think he’s dead wrong in his diagnosis. I’ve tried to remember what happened and it’s all just a fog, which frustrates the hell out of me. I can’t see any reason not to be told my own history. I want you to clue me in.”

  Now that sounded like the old Jarred. “I can’t. He’ll have to make that decision.”

  “I don’t want him. I want you,” Jarred said in a way that warmed Kelsey’s blood even while she recognized he did not mean those words the way they sounded.

  Still, she couldn’t prevent a soft smile. “You don’t want me, Jarred.” Regret tinged her tone, and hearing it, Kelsey cleared her throat and moved toward the bank of windows, away from him and the strange feelings he evoked inside her.

  “You’re my wife.”

  Silence fell between them. Kelsey couldn’t find anything to say to him.

  “Aren’t you?”

  She inhaled through her teeth, wishing some flip comment would come to mind, as it so often did during their conversations together. But for once, her quick wit failed her completely.

  “Well, aren’t you?” he demanded with less patience.

  “Yes.”

  “Then, come here.”

  Come here? Come here? Kelsey instantly bristled, hearing the request as if it were an order. But when she met his gaze, she saw nothing in his blue eyes except an emotion she might classify as need in another person.

  This is Jarred, she reminded herself. Jarred Bryant. Don’t forget it.…

  A shade reluctantly, Kelsey returned to his bedside, but when his hand reached for hers, she couldn’t meet the searching questions in his eyes, Her own hand lay limp within the warmth of his palm. Her heart thudded unevenly. His fingers tightened around hers.

  “What is it?” he asked in genuine confusion.

  Her breath came out in a half laugh. She shook her head.

  “Something’s wrong. Can’t you tell me?”

  “The doctor said to wait.”

  “I don’t want to wait. You’re using that as an excuse,” he added with sudden insight.

  “No. I told you. You’re supposed to remember on your own.”

  “Why are you afraid to be next to me?”

  Kelsey jerked. She dared to meet his gaze and those soul-searching eyes of his were glued to her face, gauging her response. “Because you’re kind of scary,” she said lightly.

  “Am I?”

  “Yes.”

  “Are you scared of me?”

  A beat passed. “No.”

  This was true, though she’d never thought of it in these particular terms before. Jarred had never frightened her, even at his worst moments. There had been times when she’d wanted to throw a drink in his face or beat her fists against his chest or kick him in the shins or do something equally as infantile, but she’d never felt actual fear. He’d angered her and hurt her and made her feel inadequate, but she knew he would never do anything to her that would cause her true harm.

  “What are you thinking?” he asked, watching the play of emotions cross her mobile face.

  “I’m thinking that we should have this conversation when you’re better. It’s a little unfair with you in a hospital bed.”

  “You mean you’ve got the advantage?”

  “I guess so.”

  He paused a moment. “Is our life together such a battle?”

  “Mmm…” Kelsey refused to even go there. Yes, it was a battle. Almost from the get-go. Almost from the moment they had met and fallen in love. Or at least from • when she had fallen in love.

  “How did it end up like this?” he asked.

  “Please don’t make me say something I shouldn’t.”

  “Was it an accident? It must have been. What happened?”

  “You’re alive,” she answered, throwing a glance toward the partially opened doorway. “That’s what matters.”

  “I’m alive,” he repeated softly. “That’s good, right?”

  “Well, of course it is.”

  “Don’t lie to me. I might not be in top form right now, but I can see you don’t feel comfortable with me. Why? Did I do something to you? What happened to me? No, wait!” he ordered with some urgency when Kelsey automatically jerked her hand away. “Please don’t let go.”

  It took all her might to clasp his hand again. Considering everything, his grip, was incredibly strong. She felt slightly faint and wondered if she were getting sick.

  “A police detective tried to talk to me but the doctor kept him away. What happened?”

  Detective Newcastle had called and left a message at her office as well. Kelsey knew it must be related to Jarred’s plane crash, but she hadn’t called him back yet. She knew nothing about the accident—almost as little as Jarred himself—and she didn’t want to consider the whys and wherefores of that tragedy and the resultant death of a longtime friend.

  “Jarred, don’t do this. I want to do what’s right.”

  “Are we still in love?”

  “Oh, for God’s sake, Jarred!”

  “Kelsey…”

  A shiver slipped down her back at the soft use of her name. How long had it been since he’d sounded so tender? How long—if ever—since he’d needed her for something?

  The air in her lungs had been held captive. Slowly releasing it, she said, “We’re not living together right now. I’ve moved out.”

  His lids lowered and his jaw tautened. “Oh.”

  “It was a mutual decision. We just couldn’t make it work.”

  “How long ago?”

  “Three years.”

  “Three years?”

  She flinched at his shocked whisper. “Yes, well, neither of us ever took that next step.”

  “You mean divorce?”

  Kelsey nodded.

  “So what happens now?” he asked. “Are you going to move back in?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I’m”—he licked dry lips, pausing for a moment before stating the obvious—”I’m going to need some help when I get out of the hospital. I was wondering if you would be there.”

  Be there? Be there? Kelsey couldn’t even imagine living under the same roof with him, let alone actually caring for him. “Well, you’ll have a nurse, I’m sure. I mean, your mother will make certain of
it. You can’t just be left on your own. I can see that. It’s bound to be a while before you’re back to your old self.”

  His eyelids slowly closed and his mouth twisted! “I’m not sure I want to be my old self.”

  Kelsey regarded him soberly, realizing at some stronger level the depth of his injuries and the ensuing pain that had to accompany them. She wanted to reach out and embrace him and whisper that it would all be okay, but then she caught herself up short. Jarred would never allow such an open display of pure warmth and affection. “Why not?” she asked curiously.

  He reopened his eyes, staring at her. “I don’t think you like my old self.”

  Kelsey fought hard not to react. Some part of her wanted him still, and that small part seemed to heat her blood and course through her veins, infecting every inch of her being, making it nearly impossible for her to stoke the hate she’d learned to rely on instead of his love.

  “Jarred…” She licked her lips.

  “Yes?” His hand squeezed hers encouragingly. He almost seemed to lean forward, he regarded her so intently.

  “Jarred, I want to—”

  “Jarred! “

  Kelsey nearly leaped out of her skin when Nola Bryant suddenly screeched out her son’s name. Jarred jerked, too. Kelsey guiltily yanked her hand away, as if she were afraid Nola would catch them in some nefarious act.

  Jarred’s mother swept foward in a rush, practically pushing Kelsey out of the way. “Oh, darling, I’ve been waiting to find you awake! We’ve been downstairs talking to your doctor, but I couldn’t just leave. Your father’s still downstairs, but I just knew you would wake up as soon as I left, so I decided to hurry back. Oh, Jarred.” She grabbed the hand Kelsey had just been holding, but this time it was Jarred’s palm that lay limp.

  Jarred’s gaze was on his mother’s thin, cosmetically perfect face. Recognizing his weariness in the lines by his mouth, Kelsey leaned closer to him, instinctively protective.

  “Did you talk to Will?” Nola asked tightly.

  Surprised, Kelsey slid her mother-in-law a look. Nola couldn’t stand Will. He was the physical reminder of one of her husband’s trysts, and Nola made no secret of her feelings toward him. It frustrated her to no end that she had to put up with him at all, but Jarred had swept Will into the family business and Will was now in a position second only to Jarred himself.