After I released my juices, I returned the favor to my husband until he burst out of pure ecstasy. Then, we finished what we started back in our room.
* * *
The next day, we were on the beach again and enjoying the sunset. I don’t know what made me think about the crazy shit that went down at our wedding, but I couldn’t block the fact that Lance was a crazy muthafucka from my mind. After I saw him chillin’ in the sanctuary of the church, I couldn’t leave the States quick enough. What the hell was wrong with him? He was psycho for real. What in the world had I gotten myself into?
After we’d connected at the eyes, it felt as if my heart stopped, and I thought I would pass out. But after Steve looked at me with panic in his eyes and asked me what was wrong, I had to straighten up. I didn’t want to destroy what was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives. I inhaled deeply, and then lied and told Steve that I felt light-headed because I was too excited to eat anything. He kissed me on my cheek, picked me up, cradled me in his arms, and walked us out to the black Hummer limo. I didn’t look back. Instead of everyone congratulating us outside of the church after the ceremony, Steve told the pastor to announce to our guests that we would greet everyone at the reception.
Steve told the driver to stop at the corner store. He wanted to run in and get me something to munch on so that I would have enough energy to make it to the reception after we took pictures outside of the Toledo Art Museum. Before we headed to the hall to eat some real food, half of the bridal party got out to purchase their own beverages, even though the limo came with three bottles of wine.
When Steve got out, I panicked as I looked out the window. I wanted to make sure that Lance wasn’t following us. While everyone was dancing, laughing, and drinking as the limo drove around town, I tried to keep a smile on my face. My knees trembled under my dress as I prayed silently that Lance wouldn’t show up at the art museum or reception. He didn’t, and everything went well. My family show up and showed out. I had a ball, and everything was perfect . . . from the gorgeous photo shoot that Melody did, to the beautifully decorated hall where the reception was held. That was a day I would cherish forever.
“Honey, you really look nice in that swimsuit,” Steve said, breaking me from my thoughts. After our swim, we ended up walking to a bar made of straw that was located on the beach. We were sitting at a small round table sipping on frozen daiquiris.
“Thank you,” I blushed.
I had lost about thirty pounds. Steve thought that I lost it for the wedding, but the truth was that I was stressed out. Every day, I thought Lance would get in contact with my husband and fill his head with lies that would destroy what we had. Steve and I were happy, and the children enjoyed having a father at home. He took my oldest son to basketball practice, and we did things together as a family, something that my kids weren’t used to.
I wished I could tell Steve about Lance, but I didn’t know what Lance was capable of doing ever since he drove me off of the road. He could pop up anywhere and harm my family. I wished I could do something that would just get rid of him with the quickness. Every day, I feared for my life, and I didn’t like living like that. I was living a nightmare, and all I wanted to do was wake up and my life would be back to normal—like it was before I bumped into Lance at the meat counter at the supermarket.
31
Sasha
After Lamel and I had crazy sex in the hotel, we slept like we had worked a twelve-hour shift. He was amazing, and he knew it. When I was with him, I felt younger. I was energized and spontaneous, and I loved it. There were no limits to what we did, and I never knew what to expect with him. He was my knight in shining armor, but we weren’t attached at the hips, and that’s the way I liked it. When I wanted to be alone, he wasn’t clingy. He gave me my space.
Lamel had money. He worked at his parents’ law firm, which was one of the best in the state. He was also one of the top lawyers in the company. We met when I was searching for a lawyer to handle my divorce. I was attracted to him because of his confidence, but he was also smart, successful, and handsome with swagger that was on point. Money was never an issue. If one day he wanted to fly me on a private jet or rent a luxury yacht, he would make it happen like it was nothing.
I checked my phone after Lamel dropped me off at home and saw that my mother had called me several times. She had tried to talk to me at the reception, but I acted as if I was too busy entertaining Lamel so she would leave me alone. She left me messages saying that she wanted to talk to me before she left to go back to Michigan.
We had not talked since I left home for college. I wanted to see what excuse she would give me for not wanting to be in my life. But deep down in my heart, I knew she didn’t want me, because if she did, she would’ve never treated me the way that she did while I was growing up. However, it was time to stop running from my past and see what she had to say. I decided to call her back, and I told her that she could come by my apartment so we could talk.
I straightened up to make sure everything looked nice. This was my mom’s first time visiting me after Jonathan and I divorced. As a matter of fact, she never visited the home that he and I shared. I knew the first thing she would want to talk about would be my failed marriage. I was going to tell her what she wanted to know, and I wasn’t going to beat around the bush. After I wiped the glass table with Windex, I heard the doorbell ring. I placed the Windex back in the cabinet under the kitchen sink.
I looked in the large, rectangular mirror that hung over my leather sofa to make sure my hair was in place; then I smoothed out my collar. I don’t know why I was nitpicking and taking my time to answer the door. That woman had not been in my life for years. Why was I worried about what she thought? She wasn’t the least bit worried about me.
Before I walked toward the door to answer it, I looked over the apartment to make sure everything was presentable.
“Hey, Sasha,” was what my mother said when I opened the door. She showed no expression, so I gave her none.
“Come in.” I took two steps to the left so she could enter. After she made her way in, I closed the door and walked behind her as she looked around my small apartment. She looked so different from the last time I saw her. Her skin tone was the color of sandpaper; it looked coarse and rough. She was slimmer than before, and the clothes she wore sagged.
When I was at the wedding, I was too busy trying to avoid her, so I really didn’t get a good look at her. We hadn’t seen each other in about fifteen years. That was a long time not to see the person that gave birth to you. But my mother was very cruel to me when I was younger, and I couldn’t wait to get out of her house.
“This a small place you’ve got here.” She flopped down on the red, leather sofa. Then she looked up at the skylight and the fireplace. “But it’s nice though.”
“Thanks. Do you want something to drink?” I huffed as I looked down at her as I stood over her.
“Yeah, what you got?” She pulled her purse strap from her shoulder and set it next to her. “Pepsi, bottled water, and um, Kool-Aid,” I said, trying to think of what I had.
“Pepsi with ice would be good.”
After I got her drink, I got myself a water and sat on the love seat across from her. She took a sip of her Pepsi and said, “So, Sasha, why are you living in this small apartment when I heard you were living large with that man you married?” She said it as if she was scolding me like I was a child.
Wow, is she really coming at me like that?
She had made me mad already, and she had been in my presence not even ten minutes.
“First of all, that man I married wanted to keep the large house that we had. I got this small apartment because it fits my needs. I don’t need a large space; I’m single, and I’m loving it,” I spat back at her. I knew she didn’t think she was going to come to my home and stomp me down in my shit. She was starting already, and I was ready to kick her ass out. She had always been so judgmental and nerve-racking. She said she’d
heard I was living in a large house because that woman never came to visit me. She didn’t even come to my wedding, or for my baby girl’s birth or home-going service. She was only in town because of Asia’s wedding. I was grown now, and I wasn’t going to bite my tongue. I had some stuff that I needed to get off my chest.
“You don’t have to get sassy with me; I’m still yo’ mother.” She sat up as if she would charge at me if she had to. I didn’t flinch a bit; I was ready for whatever. I had lost respect for her the day I left her house.
I rolled my eyes and said, “So, you decided to come by to talk to me now. Why?”
“What do you mean, why? You are my daughter, and I wanted to see you. I haven’t seen you since you left for college and—”
“Yes, fifteen years ago. Now, you want to see me. Why?” I asked again, cutting her off.
“What happened to your marriage?” she asked as she took a sip of her drink like she was unfazed and couldn’t be bothered enough to answer my question.
“You know what happened! I know you talked to Jonathan about what happened. You talked to my ex-husband over the phone more than you ever talked to me. And why does it matter anyway? It’s over. So, it’s really too late to be concerned now.” I looked her dead in the eyes and waited for her to respond.
“Yeah, we talked a few times, but I want to hear from you. You know, it’s always two sides to a story.” She took another sip of her drink. She was talking to me like she was interviewing me, like I was on Oprah or something. Why was she acting like she cared so much?
“Since you ain’t gonna drop it, we got a divorce because he wasn’t satisfying me like I needed him to. He was selfish, and he wanted another baby, and I didn’t,” I said nonchalantly. Then I sat back and crossed my legs.
“Oh, is that what happened?” she asked in shock, as if she heard something different.
“Yup, that’s what happened, and I’m not looking back. So, don’t come up in here telling me that I need to try to work it out because I ain’t,” I barked. I was sick of Melody and everyone else saying that Jonathan was the best thing that ever happened to me, and I should have made it work between us.
“Gal, you sho’ got a lot of anger in you. I just wanted to make sure I heard yo’ side. Yo’ ex called me on the phone and told me that you was the selfish one and that you didn’t respect him as yo’ husband or the man of the house. He also said that you kept a secret from him that you were on birth control when you knew he wanted a baby.” She looked at me with raised eyebrows, waiting to hear what I had to say.
“Well, he’s a liar. I told him that I didn’t want any more babies, and he just didn’t know how to respect my needs,” I huffed. I took a sip from my water. I was getting heated and ready to end the conversation. Why in the hell were we talking about a man I was no longer involved with? Why in the hell was she coming at me, questioning me over some nonexistent shit?
“But why don’t you want more children, Sasha?” she asked with a concerned expression on her face.
Is she serious? Is she really asking me that dumb-ass question?
“I didn’t want to have kids because I didn’t want to end up being a horrible mother like you.” I shifted in my seat. Oh, I was pissed. I was also hurting inside, but I wasn’t going to let her see my pain.
“What do you mean you didn’t want to be a horrible mother like me?” Her face was filled with confusion at first, and then anger washed over her.
“What, now you’ve got amnesia? Don’t sit here and act like you don’t remember locking me in closets and keeping me there for hours.”
Her mouth dropped open, and her eyes popped out of their sockets from shock. “Oh my God! Please say it ain’t so.”
She was dead serious; she didn’t remember what she had done to me. “Mom, are you sitting here telling me that you don’t remember locking me in the closet while you sat nearby on the sofa and watched TV? I could hear you laughing and talking to the TV. I would be in the closet for hours, and you told me that the reason why you did what you did was because you didn’t want the ‘bad people’ to get me. I would scream and cry and beg you to let me out. But the more I beat on the door and called out for you, the more you ignored me.”
I looked at my mother, and her face was drenched in tears. I was now the one confused. I got up and gave her a Kleenex that I got from my purse because there was snot running in her mouth. I had a weak stomach, and I didn’t want to see that shit. Her hand shook as she grabbed the tissue.
“Baby, I’m so sorry. I had no clue why you carried so much anger toward me when you were young. All this time, I just figured you didn’t want to be bothered with me because maybe you were going through a phase that teens went through. I would try to ask yo’ aunties what I should do to bring you around. They told me that you never gave them any problems when you went to their homes to stay with Asia and Melody. You always seemed to want to get away from home and stay with them. Now I know why.” She took the Kleenex and wiped her nose; then she continued. “Please, tell me you’re not making this up. Please tell me that I didn’t do those horrible things that you said I did,” she pleaded.
I had begun to cry because she truly didn’t remember. “Mom, are you telling me that you also don’t remember telling me that the devil was in my soul? Then you tried to shake it out of me. You shook and yanked on me so hard that you fractured my arm. You made me sleep in agonizing pain because you didn’t want to take me to the doctor. You thought that the bad people would take me from you.” Tears continued to fall from my eyes, and I looked at her expression. She was shaking her head no as if she was having a seizure.
“No, no, no! I couldn’t have done that to you!” she sobbed. Then she put her head down and said, “So, the doctor was right. I thought that doctor was making it up. I thought that doctor was using me as a guinea pig when he told me that he wanted to test me. No one had ever told me that I did strange things like what you are telling me, so I didn’t believe him when he told me that I was diagnosed with schizophrenia.”
I gaped in stunned silence as my jaw dropped. Jonathan and Melody were right. All this time I thought that my mother didn’t want me, she was ill. She was schizophrenic.
32
Melody
Rodney didn’t show up like he said he would last night. I was tempted to go over to his house, but I didn’t. I got up out of the bed and saw Rayn off to school. Then I decided that I was going to have a worry-free day. I knew that all the stress I was going through was not good for the baby.
I had made an appointment to get my hair done. I needed some me time, and I was tired of walking around looking ugly. If my mom was here, she would’ve let me have it because I wasn’t keeping myself up. She always told me I should look my best, even if I was only going to the corner store. If she would’ve seen me at that moment, she would’ve had a heart attack. My hair was dry, dirty, and I was way overdue for a steam treatment. The back of my head looked like a Brillo Pad. I was trying my best to keep my hair natural, but it was a lot of work to keep it up. I was two steps away from going back to getting a relaxer. We naturals called it the creamy crack for the hair.
I searched my walk-in closet for something comfortable to wear. My belly was poking out a little, and I needed to go shopping for bigger clothes. I found a pair of pink jogging pants that I got from Pink, and then found the shirt to match it. I walked out of the closet and stood in the mirror and lifted my shirt to see my belly bump. I shook my head at the fact that I had a baby growing inside of me and no one knew. They didn’t know because I was too ashamed to tell them. I promised myself and my family that I wouldn’t have another baby out of wedlock, and look at me—pregnant again. And my baby’s daddy wasn’t ready to be in a committed relationship. A single tear fell from my eyes because of the situation I was in.
I took a shower to relax my body. I let the pellets from the lukewarm water soothe my burning soul. After I got out of the shower, I put on my clothes and took another look in the
mirror. When I had clothes on, you couldn’t even tell I was pregnant, so I guessed that would give me more time to kill before I told my family. As soon as I saw Rodney, though, I was gonna let him know.
I walked into Genesis Hair Salon, and before I took a seat, I walked over to my hairstylist’s booth and waved at her to let her know I had arrived.
“Hey, boo. I’ll be right with you as soon as I wrap her and put her under the dryer,” my beautician, Deedee, announced. I walked back over to the waiting area and sat down. The area was very small; it was located by the front entrance. The one thing I hated about sitting in the front was that the customers had to get buzzed in before they could enter. Every time I went to get my hair done, someone would ring the bell, and it would take forever for one of the beauticians to buzz them in. Then when they finally were able to enter, they glared at the people that were seated and gave us a look that read you know you could have opened that damn door.
I sat there patiently waiting for Deedee to call my name as I looked at this little girl. She had to be about six years old. I assumed she must have been waiting for her mother to finish getting her hair done. Her hair was freshly done with small French braids plaited into two ponytails. As I admired her hair, I thought about Rayn when she was that age. Boy, how time flies. My baby was turning thirteen. I was blessed to have such a smart, athletic, and respectful daughter. I just prayed that she didn’t follow my path and end up dealing with good-for-nothing-not-knowing-what-they-wanted men. The doorbell ringing pulled me out of my thoughts. When they finally buzzed the person in after about three minutes and four rings, I was shocked to see the face that entered into the building.
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