Hear Me Now

by Melyssa Winchester

  She nods as she takes the book back and I press forward the minute I feel her eyes back on me.

  “Didn’t think many girls read science fiction.”

  She pulls the paper out and as much as I don’t wanna do it, I feel the frustration growing watching her write on it. I figured she was like Isabelle with the way she always writes everything out, but I’d been hoping I was wrong and she would open her mouth and speak to me. I know I haven’t exactly earned it, but she’s gotta know by now that anything she did say wouldn’t be a waste of breath like she said the first day.

  As she reaches up to hand the paper out to me, I decide to go for broke and ask her why she won’t speak.

  “Are you planning on speaking to me or are we just gonna do this forever?”

  Bringing the paper back to the desk, she starts writing on it again, obviously answering my question and after a few minutes of her scribbling away on the paper, I’m getting anxious with how badly I want her to finish so I can read it.

  I have no idea what the hell is going on with me lately. I haven’t had any contact with this girl for two days, yet she’s the first thing that comes to mind before I go into the fight from hell and now I’m sitting here practically dying inside to read what she’s writing to me. I shouldn’t give two shits but it seems to be all I care about.

  Getting to know her, it’s supposed to be a game. A way to keep me occupied, but now there’s nothing about it that feels like a game. I want her attention because I actually like the way it feels when I have it.

  You obviously don’t know the right kind of girls.

  We can just not talk at all if you prefer. You’re the one that talked to me. Truth is, I don’t talk much because I don’t like the way my voice sounds.

  Well, if I didn’t already know I was an asshole, her words in response to my question slam the point home. I feel like a dick now. Asking the question was a risk but her answer—damn. She’s telling me the truth, I can tell it by the way her eyes look as she watches me reading. She’s not aware I can see it and right now, I’m thankful. Let her think that her concern over my reaction is her secret.

  I want her to speak even more now. People are always more critical of themselves than they are of other people, so I think in order to know the truth, I need to be the one to hear her. She’s probably just being too hard on herself.

  That’s not what I write back to her though. It should have been what I said because that’s the topic we were on, but with the way she chose to be honest with me even though it was none of my business, I feel the need to do the same.

  I’m sorry. You were right earlier. I got hit by three pretty big trucks.

  Does it hurt?

  Like hell. Maybe worse than hell, IDK.

  Why did you throw yourself in front of them then?

  I can’t help it. When I see her response and the way she’s still pretending I mean actual trucks and not being pummeled by three very big people, I laugh and it comes out a lot louder than I expect it to.

  “Is there something you find funny, Mr. Murphy?”

  Shit. I knew the minute the laugh came out it was going to end up causing something like this to happen, but I’d been hoping that Ms. Taylor would be so absorbed in grading papers or whatever that I would go unnoticed. I’m obviously not that lucky.

  “No, Ms. T.”

  “Well alright. Please refrain from outbursts like that in the future.”

  Nodding my head in acknowledgement, I lower my head back down to the desk again, but not before catching the tiny blue square of paper out of the corner of my eye.

  BUSTED.

  Chapter Six

  Cadence

  I don’t know what I was thinking agreeing to this, but now that I’m here there’s nothing I can do to change it even though I probably should.

  After Dillon got busted for laughing and I held up the sticky note in an attempt to be funny, we went back to relative silence with each other again. He kept his head down on his desk, not looking over at me once and believe me, I was watching for it. Accepting it even though I wanted to continue our conversation, I went back to my book until everyone moving around me signaled that the bell rang.

  Before I get through the door, I felt a hand on my shoulder and freezing in place at the touch, one I don’t recognize, I turn around slowly to find out just who it is that’s stopping me. Coming face to face with Dillon, his familiar smirk in place like always, I allow the slight race in my heart to slow to a dull crawl before dipping my head to the side in confusion.

  “Come to lunch with me? I know it’s probably the last place you want to be, but I think you’ll have a good time with us once they get to know you. So will you do it?”

  Stuck with no alternative other than to grab the notepad from my bag and tell him no, I just nod my head in acceptance and now I’m stuck.

  I’ve been here with them for almost twenty minutes and it’s painfully apparent that none of them, Dillon included, have figured out that I can’t hear a word they’re saying. I’m doing my best with reading lips, but with the girls, it’s hard since they talk so fast. I’m nodding at the right times or at least what I think to be the right times and I’m doing everything I can in order to appear normal, but it’s not easy.

  It doesn’t help that the girl that knocked me to the floor has been shooting looks at me since Dillon and I got here and he introduced me. It’s pretty obvious they’re together and she sees me as a threat. I’m the last person she needs to worry about. I know what Dillon is about and even though I agreed to be here when he asked me, I’m not going to forget it any time soon.

  Watching everyone laughing at something I missed while lost in my own thoughts, my stomach turns over in knots. I should have ignored the touch on my arm earlier and run to meet Eric. Being outside with him, there’s no awkwardness. He knows all about me and my disability and I don’t have to pretend to be something I’m not. I want that now more than anything because it’s obvious I just don’t fit in here at all. I’m nothing like these people and once they find out the truth, they’ll want to get as far away from me as they can get.

  Once the laughing dies down, I watch as Amy starts to speak and this time, she goes slowly enough for me to catch every word she’s saying.

  “So why did you bring one of them to lunch, Dill? It’s pretty obvious she’s mute.”

  Preparing myself to stand and get the hell out of here, not wanting to read any more lips since it’s obvious it’s all going to be an attack, I pull my knees up, ready to push up and off the floor. It’s only when I read Dillon’s lips as he answers that I stop myself.

  “She can talk, Ames. She just needs to feel comfortable. Considering what you did, can you blame her?”

  It’s the nicest thing I’ve heard him say in the last four days and I’m pretty surprised by it. With the way he’s answering his girlfriend, I gotta figure I was right about him from the start. There’s more to him than just being an asshole. Maybe I’ll finally get a chance to see it.

  “She earned that shit, attacking you the way she did. No one’s allowed to put their hands on you while I’m around, not even some stupid mute bitch that likes retards.”

  I flinch from the hate in her words and again prepare myself to get the hell out of here. I don’t have to listen to this. No one is gonna sit here and disrespect me or my friends. Getting to my feet, I sling my bag back over my shoulder and turn to go, resisting the urge the entire time to turn around and give Amy the finger. I might not want them to hear my voice, but that doesn’t mean I can’t find other ways to get my point across.

  Starting off down the hallway, thankful again that I can’t hear any of them, I feel the knot in my stomach start to loosen. No matter what Dillon says, the people he hangs out with will never accept me and I was stupid for even believing for a second that anything he said about them was right.

  I am never going near those people ever again.

  Dillon

  Shit. That didn�
�t go the way I wanted it to.

  When I saw her leaving class earlier, another opportunity to ask her to hang out about to pass me by, I jumped out of my seat in an effort to reach her before she ducked out on me again. Despite knowing that she’s friends with Eric and she spends her time at lunch with him and the others, I wasn’t gonna let the chance to further my plan slip out of my hands.

  What better way is there for this girl to warm up to me than having her hang with me and my friends instead of outside under that nasty tree with the others like her?

  It’s about more than that. Even though I’m going back and forth about what I set out to do, I still wanted to be around her. I’ve never had this kind of conflict before. Things are usually so cut and dry with me. I either want to screw with this girls head or I genuinely want her to like me. There’s no in between.

  With Cadence though, it’s all just in between and back and forth. Nothing is clear.

  I get her to finally agree, bring her around my friends and of course it all has to get blown to shit because my girlfriend can’t tame the fucking jealousy. If Amy would just open her eyes, she’d see that this has nothing to do with Cadence having a thing for me. It’s about getting her away from the freaks and continuing on with the plan I told them all about the first day.

  That’s not how it works though. Amy instantly goes on the defensive, not trusting the girl and now Cadence is walking down the hall and I’m doing everything I can not to jump up and go after her.

  “Finally! Good riddance.” Amy mutters under her breath the minute Cadence is completely out of earshot and I resist the urge to smack her. I know that her attitude is half the reason I like her, but shit, even to me right now she’s taking it too far.

  “Do you always have to be such a bitch?”

  “What the hell did you expect? Bringing one of them to lunch? Was I just supposed to jump up and hug her or something?”

  “I expected that you’d at least pretend to be nice.”

  She laughs and again, I feel the urge to slap her rising to the surface. I hate when people laugh at me, absolutely despise it and even though it’s my girlfriend laughing and she’s not doing it at me but about what I said, I still wanna unload on her.

  “Since when are we nice to retards? I know you got this whole plan thing mapped out about what you want to do to her and I agreed, but that doesn’t mean I have to act the same.”

  “She’s not a retard, Ames.”

  “Says you. She’s in that class with you and she didn’t say a fucking word the entire time she was here. If she’s not one of them, she’s trying awfully hard to look like she is.”

  “Did she not try with all of you while she was here? That’s more than a so called retard would do. You didn’t have to be such a bitch to her. You running her off isn’t gonna make this shit work.”

  “The only reason the girl came with you is because she’s got a thing for you. I saw it in her eyes.”

  It always comes back to this. Every girl that looks at me has a thing for me. This is the part of being with Amy that I hate. Her jealousy is huge and it makes interacting with her absolutely impossible. I won’t get through to her no matter what I say. She’s got it in her head that Cadence has a thing for me and nothing will deter her. She’s completely lost her mind. If anything Cadence hates my guts and only tolerates me because I annoy her when we’re in class, but Amy won’t wanna hear that. She’ll just find a way to turn it around again.

  Right when I go to respond, she starts up again and I feel whatever patience I had slipping away.

  “Maybe you can’t see it because you’ve got a thing for the little retard too. Is that it, Dill? Maybe you don’t wanna play a game with her after all. Maybe you wanna get into the mute girls pants?”

  Yeah, that’s it. I’m done with this bullshit. I knew I should have gotten up and walked away from her when she said that shit with Cadence sitting right here and I know it even more now. She’s full of nothing but venom and I want no part of it. Let her think whatever the fuck she wants. I’m done.

  “You know what Ames? Come find me when you pull the stick out of your ass. You’re delusional and I’m over it.”

  I meant what I said. I think she’s being irrational, but there’s a part of me, despite what I believe that knows there’s a least a little truth in what she said even though it’s the last thing I’m going to admit to. Despite all of this starting out as a game, I do like her and I’m pretty damn pissed with the way everything just went down.

  Shit. I’m obviously losing my mind too. I need to get my head on straight. Cadence is just another retard and I gotta remember that.

  Getting up from the floor, flinching in pain as I stretch muscles that want no part of moving, I turn and start heading down the hall, picking up speed the further I go, determined to get as far away as I can from Amy and her bullshit. As I round the corner that will take me to the stairs, determined to just head up and wait until class starts, I run into the last person I want to see with everything I just dealt with.

  Kayden’s blocking my way and he looks pissed.

  Chapter Seven

  Cadence

  Why didn’t I fight my mom on this? Why did I have to come here knowing that this is the kind of crap I was going to deal with?

  All of these kids are what the world deems normal. There is no room for people with disabilities and definitely not any room for people like Eric, Isabelle and the others. We’re all just a bunch of deaf mute freaks that give these so called normal people hours of entertainment to get them through the day.

  It doesn’t matter to them that we didn’t ask to be the way we are; that some of us were born this way and we’re only trying to get along and survive like everyone else. No, instead they’ve got to go out of their way to call attention to the things that set us apart from them instead of embracing the ways we’re the same. Not every person here is like that, I mean I’ve seen people that aren’t, but finding someone like that is rare.

  Taking off from the group and stuck with only two options, both of which I’m not really in the mood for, I veer off in the direction of a third option. A place where no one will come looking for me. Not Dillon and his stupid friends and definitely not Eric and the others. The place I should have gone the first day.

  Pushing my way through the turnstiles and smiling weakly at Ms. Reid as I pass by her, I head into the stacks of books that no student would ever be caught dead in. History texts might be needed sometimes, but it’s the one place no matter what library you find yourself in that’s almost always barren. No one goes out of their way to go there unless they’re doing what I am now and trying to find a place to hide out and escape.

  I’ve been different my entire life. I’ve had people treat me like a leper for as long as I can remember and despite all of it, I managed to develop a pretty thick skin. It’s the reason I could do what Eric couldn’t that day in the hall. I could stand up to Dillon, his girlfriend and that other guy easily because there’s nothing they can say or do that I haven’t already experienced. I’m used to all of it and in coming to terms with the knowledge that the majority of the world are jerks and there’s not a whole lot you can do to change it, I’ve been able to push ahead and rise above it, doing whatever I have to in order to prevent it from happening to other people.

  The deaf girl sticking up for the special needs kids. It’s a running joke for the idiots I just wasted twenty minutes of my life on for sure.

  Despite my thick skin, I’m not immune to it. It wears on me the same way it would anyone that goes through it. It’s why I’m hiding out in the library right now, wanting nothing more than a few minutes of peace in order to calm myself. As hard as I try to not let their words, insults and even assumptions get to me, I’m only human and what just happened, it’s definitely eating at me.

  It’s been a really long time since I wished I was normal. Wished that I wasn’t deaf. I came to terms with my disability years ago, but right now, I would giv
e anything to go back out there, sit with those people that I can’t even stand and interact with them the way a normal person would. It’s half the reason my mom tried every single hearing aid on the market when I was little. She knew I would struggle with this and wanted to make it as easy on me as possible. Problem is, there isn’t a hearing aid strong enough. I’m doomed to spend my life, at least here, on the outside looking in.

  I want to go back to my school now. I don’t even care that the place is flooded. I would gladly sit in a desk full of water, rain boots on my feet and a slicker over me while it poured from the ceiling if it meant that the way I feel right now could end. Maybe it’s time I talk to my mom and beg her to let me stay home for the next week and a half. It would be preferable to this. She would never agree, but at this point I’m willing to try anything.

  This, the pity party I’m giving myself because I’m not like everyone else, I need to stop it. It’s not getting me anywhere. I haven’t done anything like this since I was six. I’m better than this and I need to remember that and not let what just happened change me. Remembering Isabelle’s words from the other day at lunch, I realize I do have an escape.

  Reaching around to my backpack, sliding it down until I can unzip it far enough to grab the phone inside, I pull it out and scroll through the contacts looking for her name. Finding it, I bring up the message screen and begin typing. I’m not sure what I want to come from it but with the way things already are, I figure it can’t get much worse.

  Her response is instant and seeing the words on the screen, I brighten for the first time since Mom caught Dillon laughing in class.

  I’m outside. Kayden took off somewhere and Eric never showed. Could use the company.

  There’s something about the happy emote on my screen that pushes me off the floor and out the door just as quickly as I came in. It’s inviting and right now with as alone as I feel, I can use all of that particular feeling as I can get. Making my way toward the front door of the school, more than ready to meet her, I don’t notice the shadows that come to a full stop until it’s too late and I’ve run into one of them. Hard.