Hear Me Now

by Melyssa Winchester

  Half expecting in the moment for him to pull away in disgust, I’m shocked when he presses back harder, his hand which had been holding mine a second before, coming up to rest around my back, pulling me even more into him, a rumbling vibrating from his chest, like a possessive growl escaping from somewhere inside him.

  It’s in the moment, feeling the way his lips are pressed to mine, the way they felt when I ran my finger across them seconds before that I’m reminded again of the question that had almost sent him running and the reality of what’s happening hits and I give into it completely.

  Looks like I’m not the only one that didn’t want to be friends.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Dillon

  What the hell am I doing?

  So much has happened in the last few minutes and I’m having a hard time keeping up. Before I even get a chance to deal with the fact that she spoke to me, I actually heard her voice and what hearing her makes me feel, her hand is locked up in mine and she’s standing in front of me.

  My senses hit overload the minute our eyes meet and not only can I smell her, the scent of some kind of flowers rising between us, but the pink tinge to her ivory colored skin is impossible to look away from. With the way her voice sounded when she said my name, I don’t think I can take much more. I’ve never been so aware of a person before.

  The feel of her hand is more than enough but she doesn’t let it end there. After going back and forth with me about what she’s doing here, what she wants from me, she puts her lips on mine and the loose thread that was keeping what was left of my sanity together breaks and I’m completely lost.

  Jesus. This, kissing her, I’ve never felt anything even remotely close to this with any girl, ever. I don’t even know how to describe what’s happening to me, that’s how completely crazy and unknown this is. I need to pull away, break this spell I seem to be under, but I can’t. I want more. So instead of pulling away the way I probably should, I press my lips harder back into hers and pull her tighter to me.

  She feels so damn good in my arms like this. She fits so perfectly it’s like she belongs there, but I know better. She doesn’t belong with me because despite how right this feels and how badly I want to continue doing it for as long as she’ll let me, I can’t be the person she needs me to be.

  Removing my arms, releasing the hold I have around her, a lot tighter than I realized when I’d done it, I put my hands on her shoulders and attempt to push her backwards in order to give us the space I think we need right now. I feel like shit the minute I do it, but I can’t let the way it feels override what’s right.

  We can’t do this. She’s someone that I want as a friend; despite what just happened and there’s no way in hell I’m going to let whatever this is get in between that. I just broke up with my girlfriend anyway, thinking about kissing another girl should be the last thing on my mind.

  Who the hell am I kidding? This has nothing to do with Amy and our breakup. We weren’t even really together anyway, we were just tolerating each other or at least that’s how it was for me. I kept Amy as close as I did because it was comfortable and as long as I was with her, I didn’t have to worry about getting sidetracked with anyone or anything else. I could treat Amy however I wanted and it didn’t matter.

  It does matter though because I never felt anything remotely close to this with her. I was with the girl for a year and not one second of that time did I feel the way I do with Cadence right now.

  “Dillon…”

  Shit. I need to say something. I’ve just pushed her away and I can see she’s confused, so I need to say something, anything that will stop her from looking at me the way she is.

  “We need to go back. I don’t wanna end up getting both of us in shit.”

  “Wait!” she cries out even though she’s closer than ever to me.

  “What?”

  “Talk to me please.”

  Instead of answering her, I focus on the way her voice sounds. Each word is long and drawn out, low pitched where with most girls it sounds higher. I can see now why she hates talking and why people look at her strange when she does. It’s because it doesn’t sound the way you expect someone to sound when they speak to you. The thing is, she sounds fucking beautiful and I want to tell her that so badly it’s giving me a headache just thinking about it, but I don’t because I can’t lead her on.

  I’m only going to hurt this girl. I hurt everyone I touch. It’s the way I’m wired. I don’t give a shit about anything or anyone and the only real pleasure I get comes when I’m hurting someone else, physically or emotionally. I can’t do that with her. I need to do what I said from the start. I need to be her friend and that’s it.

  The only way that can happen is for me to do the one thing that right now I know is going to rip everything we just shared apart. I need to treat her like shit and push her away.

  “Stop talking Caddy. I can’t stand hearing you anymore.”

  My stomach turns over in protest at how sick I sound and the minute I catch the look on her face, I can see that they’ve done exactly what I needed them to do. The wounded look I saw on Isabelle’s face that day in the parking lot haunts me as I look into Caddy’s eyes now. It’s the same look. I hurt her and any second now, she’s going to break on me.

  Her shoulders slump and she turns from me, heading in the very direction I’d been going when she stopped me. I want to call out as she’s walking, tell her to stop and that I didn’t mean what I said, but as much as I want to, I can’t. It needs to happen this way and she wouldn’t hear me anyway.

  It’s pretty evident the farther away she gets that my big idea of remaining friends with her after this is going to blow up in smoke. There’s no way after telling her to shut up that she’s going look at me the same again. The struggle inside me, it’s even worse now. There’s the part of me that knowing I hurt her, is happy because I’ve broken yet another weakling down and the other part that fights against it, wanting me to run to her, pull her to me and never let go.

  As I finally start moving, her body so far away from me now that I can barely see her at all, I swallow both of them down, desperate to go back to the way things were before I met her when I didn’t feel anything at all. It’s turning myself completely numb that’s going to get me through this.

  I’m doing the right thing. Cadence is too good for someone like me and if it takes walking away completely, even giving up on the hope of a friendship with her, then so be it. There’s no way I would let the way I am touch her.

  She deserves better.

  Cadence

  The minute we get back to school, I escape from the prison that his car has been for the last few minutes and race inside, no real destination in mind, but knowing it has to be somewhere far away from him.

  I thought kissing him would show what my question really meant and when he kissed me back, pulling me to him, I thought he understood and wanted the same thing. I can’t believe I was so stupid. I misread the entire thing.

  He didn’t want me kissing him. The growl I felt had been a figment of my imagination obviously. When he finally backed away from me, it was like he couldn’t get rid of me fast enough and just thinking about the look on his face when he told me to be quiet, I feel like ripping my eyes out. I never want to see a look like that again. I’ve never felt so disgusting in my life.

  I want to cry so badly but the tears won’t come. At first, when I wanted to cry most, I had been in front of him and didn’t want him seeing me break. He’s a bully, so seeing someone break is fun for him and there’s no way I was giving him the satisfaction of seeing it happen with me. Now though, being away from him and able to let it out even though I’m in a hallway filled with people, it still won’t come.

  The stairs that will take me to class and my mom are right in front of me and even though I know I should go to them, head to class and pretend nothing happened during the time I was away, I can’t do it. I can’t face my mom; especially when she asked me what I w
as doing for lunch, I lied right to her face saying I was going to head to the library and read.

  I can’t take the way she’ll look at me when she learns the truth and honestly, with the way I feel right now, there’s no way in hell she won’t be able to tell that I lied or at the very least that something a whole lot bigger than reading happened during the hour I’ve been away from her.

  “Stop talking Caddy. I can’t stand hearing you anymore.”

  Of course he’s going to be like everyone else. He’s worse than the others because with him, I believed in him. The way he responded when I spoke for the first time made me see him differently than every other person I’ve spoken in front of. There was a look in his eyes that had nothing to do with disgust and everything to do with caring. Obviously another way I misread everything.

  I’d become so caught up in him, feeling things, I made myself blind to the reality. I imagined all of it. He was no different than anyone else and he never would be. I should be happy that he reacted this way because he just proved my mom, Eric and every other person that told me about him right, but the last thing I feel about any of this is happy.

  I can’t keep doing this to myself. I’m better than this. I’m better than him and the horrible thing he said to me. That’s what I need to remember. He’s the one that screwed up, not me. The only mistake I made was believing in him. He had done the rest. I can’t let the way he is change me. I’ve spent so long handling my disability with dignity. Dillon Murphy is not going to the one that brings all of that hard work crumbling down.

  That’s going to happen over my dead body.

  I’ve almost got myself believing in it, starting to feel the hurt drain away, but just as I’m about to make my way toward the stairs, prepared to go to class and face down my mom, I feel the first tear fall from my eye, followed quickly by another and another until they’re coming so quickly I can barely even make out the staircase in front of me.

  So much for all that so called strength. I’m exactly what he believed me to be from the start.

  I’m weak.

  Dillon

  Doing the right thing isn’t supposed to hurt this bad.

  When you’re faced with a choice and you choose the right one, there’s supposed to be this big moment of clarity you experience. It’s an overall kind of feeling; where you just know instinctively that the choice you’ve made is right and you move ahead feeling lighter and better than you’ve ever felt because of it.

  There’s no big moment of clarity for me because I didn’t make the right choice. What I did do is choose the coward’s way out.

  Most people when they make the wrong choice or decide to do something that’s not right, they feel sick to their stomach, twisted up in knots because deep down they just know that they’ve taken the wrong step. I’ve never felt good or bad about any decision I’ve made because I’ve spent so long trying not to feel anything at all. Right now though, I’m definitely twisted inside.

  It’s so strong I feel like I’m choking on it.

  This girl, with the eyes that mirror mine in every way; the one that when she looks at me, it feels like she can see right through me, I pushed her away in the worst way possible and there’s not a damn thing I can do to change it. In trying to protect her, keep her at arm’s length so that in the end I wouldn’t be the one to break her apart, I did exactly that.

  What I did, wasn’t just to protect her, but me too. The way I feel when I’m around her, it brings up memories of an easier time; a time that I haven’t lived in so long I wouldn’t have the first clue how if given the chance again. In an effort to protect myself from feeling all of that, I reverted back to the one defense I had. Being a complete dick.

  Watching her as she stands at the door to the stairs, the ones that will take her to our class, the way her body goes from being completely rigid to shaking, the sound of her crying making its way down the hall so that not only can I hear it, but everyone around me can as well, something breaks inside of me. The same way it did when she pressed her lips to mine less than a half hour ago.

  Pushing her away was supposed to be the right move, but it’s not and just like yesterday when I found out what Amy did to her, the urge to make everything right with her takes over and before I know it, my feet are moving forward, no longer focused on the people around me, but on one person in particular.

  Grabbing her by the arm and turning back the way I came, I pull her down the hall until I see the door to the bathroom. The one room in the entire school right now that will give me the privacy I need and get her away from all of the other eyes that are now watching us as I take off with her in tow.

  The minute I push my way through the door, dragging her in and waiting as it slams shut from the impact behind me, I stop and lock it before putting my focus back on her. She might hate me and she has every reason to after what I said, but being in here, locked in with me, it’s where she needs to be until the sobbing I heard in the hall can pass and she can get herself together.

  For the first time since everything happened, I finally feel the peace that comes from making the right decision. I finally got something right even if it had taken a million wrong turns to get me here.

  “Let me go.”

  “You’re not going anywhere.”

  Her body tenses and I’ve never wanted to kick myself as hard as I do right now. The way I sound, how clipped my tone is, there’s only one way that it could appear to her reading my lips the way she is. She thinks I brought in here to finish what the girls started yesterday.

  The last thing I want to do.

  “What I mean is, I need to say something to you. I need you to hear me.”

  If I hoped to stop the tears, I failed because it’s obvious that my choice of words only makes everything that much worse even though I didn’t mean it the way it sounds.

  “I can’t hear you remember? I’m deaf.”

  “I didn’t mean it like that. Cadence…”

  “Let me go, Dillon.”

  “I can’t. Not until you hear me out.”

  “No.”

  There’s something in the way she says no that drives me crazy and before I know it, my hands are around her and I’m swinging her around, pushing her backwards until she’s completely blocked in against the wall, her face raised up and meeting my eyes, a look of complete fear reflected back at me.

  Shit. This is not going at all the way I wanted it to when I made the decision to pull her in here. That moment of peace, the feeling of doing the right thing is gone and it’s replaced with the gut wrenching agony that comes when you completely screw everything up.

  “This isn’t the way it’s supposed to be.”

  She’s staring right at me so I know she saw what I said, but where I expect her to answer, to question me in some way, she does the complete opposite and before I know it she’s shoving her hands into me until there’s a gap of space between us and she can move herself off the wall.

  “You were supposed to hate me. Come back after what I said at the ravine, ignore me, not care that I even exist at all. Go back to your life. You weren’t supposed to fucking cry Caddy!”

  “What does that even mean?” she asks, not making any motion to come near me, but also not making any effort to leave either. She’s standing completely in place, a few steps away from the wall, her arms now crossed across her chest, foot tapping as she waits for me to respond.

  “It means that I screwed up!”

  “Yes, you did.”

  Her feet start moving forward and I know what’s coming. She’s going to walk straight out the door if I don’t do something right now; something big to stop her.

  Reaching out and grabbing her hand, I lock my fingers in hers, not willing to let her leave, not until I’ve said what I need to say. If she wants to walk out after that, I can’t stop her but I can’t let her leave like this. Not yet.

  “Cadence…”

  “What Dillon?”

  The right thing. It’s th
ere in the way she says my name. It’s music. She has no idea how perfect it is because I made her believe that it wasn’t. I did the one thing that makes me no better than any other person she’s spoken to before. I made her feel like less when the truth is, she’s more. So much more.

  “Did you mean it?”

  “Mean what?”

  “What you said to me the first day. What you believe about me. Did you mean it? Is that how you see me?”

  She nods and I resist the urge to pull her to me. There’s still something I need to know and I can’t take a step like that with her again until she gives me the answer. No matter how badly I want to. What she tells me when I ask her this question, it’s going to determine where I go from here and exactly what I do next. It’s going to be the answer that determines everything.

  “After what you went through yesterday; everything you’ve seen me do and be a part of, do you still see me that way?”

  “Yes.”

  For the first time in five days, I’ve got everything I need in order to do the right thing. Not the same tired stuff I’ve been doing for the past four years, but what I should have been doing from the start. In order to do the right thing, we’ve got to start over, from the very beginning.

  It’s time for Cadence to meet the real me.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Cadence

  When Dillon told me on Friday he wanted to start over with me; that he wanted to do things differently this time around because the way we met and everything that happened after wasn’t the way he wanted to remember our time together, I didn’t believe it.

  Not believing him, it has nothing to do with the things he’s done before and what he would probably do again in the future. It was because words are too easy to come by.

  It’s easy to tell someone something you know they want to hear. What’s not so easy is following up on those easy words and making what you said come to life. It’s in taking the words and turning them into actions where most people give up and bail out. This is what I see happening with Dillon, which is why I don’t give much thought to his words even though the minute we’re back out of the bathroom he starts putting them in motion.