To Be Your Last

by Rae Kennedy

  “No choice rule,” Colin cuts in.

  He and Logan face each other, locked in a silent argument.

  “What does that mean?” I whisper to Dean.

  “Usually when we play spin the bottle, the rule is the spinner gets to pick where the other person has to kiss them.”

  My eyes widen. Oh.

  “Fine,” Logan finally agrees after a minute. “Lips only this time. But the bottle rule is still in play. So everyone make sure your drinks are open. You can’t spin it until it’s empty.”

  “Start us off, brother.” Logan says to Dean who immediately starts chugging his beer.

  Oh shit. I better finish mine quick too.

  Dean sets his bottle in the middle of the circle and spins. We’re all smashed tightly together, watching the bottle spin on the ugly carpet, and it’s so quiet I think everyone is holding their breath.

  It slows after several seconds and then comes to a rest, the neck of the bottle pointed squarely at Colin.

  “Ah, spin again,” Boner Two says, waving his beer in the air.

  “That’s not how the game works,” Logan says.

  Three out of Four Boners’ jaws drop.

  “Grow the fuck up,” Colin says, rolling his eyes. Then he leans into the circle as Dean crawls on all fours toward him. “Seriously, though, no tongue this time.”

  “You’re no fun.” Dean sticks his pierced tongue out at him.

  They meet in the middle of the circle and their lips meet for only a second, but the sight of Colin’s pouty pink lips pressed against Dean’s metal lip ring stirs something low in my stomach.

  Dean sits back next to me with a smug smile on his lips. “You’re up,” he says to me.

  I chug the last few gulps of my drink then place the bottle on the floor in what feels like slow-motion. Blood pumping. Hand trembling as I spin it.

  I will the bottle not to stop. I just need it to keep spinning until I can calm down, maybe another twenty minutes or so. But it stops spinning after only about three rotations and lands on one of the groupie chicks. I don’t even know her name.

  We put our hands in the center of the circle and kiss quickly to the appreciative hoots of several of those around us. Her lip gloss tastes like berry-flavored rubber. I guess I can cross kiss a stranger off the Fuck-It list.

  Marnie goes next. Her bottle also points to another girl, but they decide to put on more of a show. Kissing over and over, flashing tongue and touching each other’s arms. Joey’s eyes are wide like a deer in headlights as he watches.

  Jace hollers for them to keep going. He, however, is less enthusiastic when his bottle spin lands on Boner One. They keep their eyes screwed tightly shut as their lips touch for the briefest of moments.

  “Dude, your lips are really soft,” Boner One says.

  “Fuck off.” Jace downs his beer.

  We go around the rest of the circle until the last two spinners are left—Colin and Logan.

  Colin takes his turn and I watch the bottle turn. My pulse is racing so fast, but every time it passes me my heart stops. My breathing is quick and shallow.

  I can’t take it.

  The bottle starts to slow down...slower...slower...and then it’s just about to stop as the neck of the bottle points toward me. It goes just a couple degrees further so it lands between me and Marnie.

  Heat pulses under my skin as all the blood in my body pounds through my veins. That’s definitely closer to me, right?

  I look at Colin. He’s already looking at me. His eyes hooded by his thick, black lashes. His lips are parted and he licks them, his chest rises, his breathing just as fast as mine.

  “Yay!” Marnie moves to the center of the circle, smiling big at Colin.

  His eyes flick to her then back to me. “I don’t think—”

  But she’s already moving on him. She wraps her hand around the back of his neck and plants a kiss right on his closed mouth, holding it for several seconds too long, in my opinion, and ending it with a loud smack of her red lips.

  She has a pleased smile on her face as she retreats to take her spot next to me. After she stole my kiss. Colin is expressionless.

  I don’t even notice when Logan spins the bottle for his turn, but now it’s slowing and when it comes to rest, clearly pointing directly at me, I don’t feel any of the excitement I did a few moments ago.

  Logan’s smile is huge, full of genuine happiness. It lights up his whole face from his puppy dog brown eyes to his adorable chin dimple. I return the smile and Dean whispers, “Go get it girl,” from behind closed teeth with a nudge of his elbow.

  Logan meets me halfway in the circle, still smiling, still cute. But I can’t help but glance past his shoulder to Colin. His face stony, unreadable, hard.

  Logan leans in and then his lips are on mine. They’re warm, the kiss gentle, his hand lightly on my cheek. Nice. Holding my face, he deepens the kiss, moving his mouth against mine, but he doesn’t try to slip in any tongue.

  Someone whistles and I end the kiss, feeling my face get hot.

  Logan wraps an arm around my shoulder. “Game’s officially over, guys.”

  “Strip club?” Jace asks.

  “Hell, yeah,” yells Boner Four.

  Everyone starts to get up from the circle.

  Logan tilts his head toward me. “Want to hang out with me a little longer?”

  “Sure,” I say, not thinking much of it.

  He steers me toward the door, his arm still slung across my back. We pass Colin, standing with his hands in his pockets, his gaze fixed on me. To anyone else, his expression would look like one of indifference, but being on the other end of his sharp stare, his blue eyes like daggers, I know he’s anything but indifferent.

  * * *

  Apparently “hang out” meant alone, in Logan’s room, sitting on the bed and watching a weird movie together. Logan talks through most of it, though. He asks me questions about growing up and he’s absolutely fascinated with the fact I live on a ranch and know how to saddle a horse and rope calves.

  “Honestly, I don’t do much ranch work. I’m the baby of the family, and by the time I was old enough to work, my brothers were already teenagers and my dad didn’t really need my help. So I tended to help my mom inside more. I liked cooking and especially baking.”

  “So if I visit you on your ranch, you can show me how to ride a horse and bake me a pie.”

  I chuckle. “Yeah, I guess.”

  “Cool.”

  He’s been in a semi-reclined position with his legs crossed a few feet away from me but now he’s sitting up and scooting closer to me. He’s only a few inches away, his arm brushing mine, his body turned toward me, looking at my face, my mouth.

  “So, Gracie...” He swallows, his voice abnormally quiet. “I enjoyed our kiss earlier.”

  “Yeah. Me, too.” For some reason I can’t bring myself to look up from my hands clasped in my lap.

  “Can I kiss you again?”

  “Um—” I look at him, my throat tightening and my pulse quickening. “Yeah, okay.”

  He closes the space between us. The kiss is slow but firm. He slips an arm around my waist as he presses against me, his lips moving more greedily. His tongue invades my mouth and I don’t know what to do with my hands. Where should I put my hands?

  Logan is a good kisser. It’s not too wet or too dry. And he's super cute and super nice. But what the fuck do I do with my hands? I end up sort of clinging to his shoulders while trying not to rub against him with my boobs or let him inadvertently touch the tender spot on my ribs from my tattoo.

  He’s leaning harder into me so I have to push back against him to stay upright. I think he mistakes this for enthusiasm because he tightens his arm around me and lays me down on my back.

  Nope.

  I pop up, eyes wide.

  “You know, my ribs still really hurt. I probably shouldn’t... I’m going to go, I’m sorry—”

  Logan sits up too, running his hand through his hai
r. “No, I’m sorry. That’s totally fine. I didn’t mean to move too fast—”

  “I’m fine. I mean, I’m good. It’s—thanks.”

  “I’ll walk you to your room.”

  “That’s okay. I’m right across the hall.”

  “All right.” Logan nods.

  He gives me a small smile and I awkwardly wave as I walk to the door.

  I close the door behind me and turn toward the hall. Colin is walking by with an ice bucket and our eyes meet as I stand here, my hand still on the door handle to Logan’s room.

  His mouth is tight and then he says, “Might want to fix your shirt.”

  I look down. My shirt is completely askew, the side seam twisted to the front at the bottom, my black bra strap also clearly visible.

  Ohmygod.

  But I can’t move and just watch in horror as Colin walks away, his face still blank.

  CHAPTER 10

  Me: I made out with Logan

  Kyla: OMG I’ve waited my whole life for this moment tell me everything

  Me: It’s been one week

  Kyla: Right. A lifetime long week. Now. Tell. Me. Everything. When did this happen? Where were you? How was it?

  Me: Last night. In his room. It was nice. He’s a good kisser.

  Kyla: Were you on the bed?

  Me: Yes

  Kyla: Squeeeee!!!!! Please tell me you were wearing the sexy underwear

  Me: It didn’t get that far.

  Kyla: Boo! Why not?

  Me: Let’s just say that when I left the room, my “sexy” underwear was very dry.

  Kyla: I’m deceased.

  Me: What should I do?

  Kyla: Shit, there are like three other guys in the band, right? See if one of them does it for you

  Me: Not helpful. I mean, what do I say to him?

  Kyla: Just be honest, it’s not like you guys were dating and you’ve only known each other for a week, I’m sure he’ll get over it

  Me: But what if it gets awkward now?

  Kyla: If things get weird and you don’t want to be there anymore you march right off that bus and don’t get back on. Send me your GPS location and I will drive through the night to get to you

  Me: Thanks Ky

  Kyla: Love you G.

  Kyla: Srsly tho, sample as much hottie Rockstar dick as you can. It’s basically your duty as my best friend so I can live vicariously through you

  * * *

  We have to check out and be on the bus by eleven to head north to the next show, which is in Salt Lake City. I’ve never been and Logan tells me it’s beautiful there, but everything closes at six pm and the beer tastes like beer-flavored water. As he’s telling me this, we’re sitting at the dinette table on the bus, his arm around my shoulders. It seems his arm has been glued to this spot all day.

  Dean and Colin are napping and Joey is listening to headphones, rocking out on the little couch across from us. He’s impressively skilled at the air drums, air guitar, and lip syncing.

  This would be a good time to tell him, right? I rehearse what I want to say in my head but nothing sounds right.

  I really enjoyed kissing you last night, but I just want to be friends.

  I like you, I just don’t like like you.

  You’re so nice and I can tell you like me, but I think I actually have a thing for the guy who only frowns at me and doesn’t even want me here.

  Oh, boy.

  “Hey, Logan?”

  “Yeah?” He cocks his head toward me with a lopsided smile, his chin dimple out in full force.

  But then Dean walks out, rubbing his eyes and I hastily abort said talk. I slip out from under Logan’s arm and force an unnaturally big smile.

  “I’m actually going to go nap for a bit before the show.” And then I scuttle away to my bunk.

  During the show, Logan keeps glancing back to my spot just offstage. Smiling, winking, waving. He even blows a kiss at one point.

  After the show the Donkey Lips guys complain that there aren’t any bars to go to so they invite us back to their bus to smoke some weed.

  Logan initially accepts their offer, but when I say I’d rather chill on our bus, he says he’ll join me instead.

  The next two days are travel days as we drive to Oregon. I’m literally only feet away from him on the bus at all times. His presence is constant, which means I should have ample opportunity to talk with him. But the other guys are constantly here too, which means Logan hasn’t gotten me alone. Good news: he hasn’t tried to kiss me again. Bad news: I keep putting off the talk. What if, when I tell him, he goes from following me around like a sweet puppy to treating me with cold indifference? The way Colin treats me.

  The longer I don’t have the discussion with Logan, the worse I feel, the bigger it feels, the harder it feels to do. It’s my school situation all over again.

  * * *

  It’s day three after the abruptly ended makeout session. After sleeping all day, we stop to fill up and get some food just before nightfall. I hang back a little as the guys all run ahead into the store. I’ve started to lose my appetite again.

  I make my way slowly to the glass doors when I hear a voice from my left.

  “You should tell him.”

  I glance over and Colin is standing near the corner of the building, almost hidden away.

  “Tell who what?” I walk over to him.

  “Logan. Tell him you’re not interested.”

  “Who says I’m not?”

  He looks at me for minute with hard eyes. “Are you?”

  I hold my head up. “That’s none of your business.”

  “If it has to do with my band or is happening on my bus, it’s my business.”

  He doesn’t want you here.

  I cross my arms, and when I don’t reply, he continues, “You went back to his room with him the other night—”

  “I’m an adult, not a child. I can do whatever or whoever I want.” My face feels hot, my heart is beating a hundred miles a minute, and I have no idea how he managed to get me so worked up so fast.

  Colin, on the other hand, is still calm, completely unaffected. “I think I already told you I don’t give a shit about what you do. You can do whatever you want.”

  Guess he wasn’t jealous about me kissing Logan. Just despises me.

  Colin lowers his eyes to me, his dark lashes casting shadows on his cheekbones and he says, quieter, “He didn’t try to get you to do something you didn’t want to do, did he?”

  It takes me a moment to register what he’s insinuating. “What? No! We just kissed.” It comes out all in a rush. “What would make you think that?”

  “You haven’t been yourself since. You haven’t been eating or talking much. You haven’t smiled.”

  He’s noticed I haven’t smiled?

  “It’s nothing like that.”

  “Good.” He steps closer and I have to look up as his tall figure looms above. “Now tell him you don’t want to do it again.”

  I swallow hard. “Why would I do that?”

  His voice is a hoarse whisper. “Because it’s true.”

  “Fine. But I was going to talk to him, anyway. I’m not doing it just because you told me to.” There. Take that.

  Shit, I do sound like a defiant child.

  Colin’s lips don’t move but somehow it still looks like he’s smirking at me. “You’re stressing yourself out over it—you don’t need to. Logan will be just fine, trust me.”

  And then he walks past me toward the doors without a glance back.

  Shit. Now I’ve really got to do this.

  * * *

  I buy a bottle of water and some apple juice. The idea of eating any food right now makes my stomach turn.

  “Hey Logan.”

  He stops in front of the bus and turns around to me. The other guys all climb on, carrying their bags of snacks and drinks.

  “Can I talk to you for a second?”

  “That sounds serious.” He sets his bag down on the grou
nd and follows me around the back of the bus. “What’s up?”

  “Uh.” Deep breaths, deep breaths. “I just...it’s just that... There’s no privacy on the bus so I haven’t had the chance... I wanted to talk about the other night...after spin the bottle...”

  Bah, take a breath.

  Logan nods along with me, but the little crease forming between his brows definitely means he’s either confused or concerned or both.

  Gracie, strap on your lady balls and say it already! I pause for a second then finally push it all out in one breath. “Logan, I really like you, but, like, as a friend, and I really want to just stay friends, if that’s okay with you.”

  I finally let out a breath and his face breaks into a wide grin as he chuckles.

  “Yeah, sure, that’s cool with me.”

  That’s it? “Yeah?”

  He laughs a little harder. “Of course. I’m a little bummed. I think you’re super hot. But I also think you’re pretty awesome and fun to hang out with and I’m glad to have you as a friend.”

  He gives me a playful elbow nudge and his easy-going smile as we get on the bus. And true to his word, he doesn’t treat me like anything less than a cherished friend after the talk. Logan decides we should play poker and breaks out the cards. We start with five card draw. Dean is amazing at shuffling and dealing. Joey can’t bluff for shit—even I can tell he’s lying when his forehead immediately starts to sweat. Apparently, Logan never folds. Even when he really, really should. And Colin is just stupid good at poker. I don’t know why that would be surprising—he only practices his poker face every day of his life.

  They teach me how to play Texas Hold ‘Em and I get by mostly on beginner’s luck. We laugh and joke, and Joey and Logan share their stash of junk food with me, which I happily dive into, my appetite finally returning.

  After the show the next night, we decide to go out and eat our weight in seven different kinds of chicken wings rather than to the club where the Donkey Lips guys are going. And while plenty of beers are consumed, it’s nice to just hang out with my four guys doing something low-key and laughing until my stomach hurts.

  The next afternoon, before the second Oregon show, my stomach legitimately hurts. Sonofabitch, I’m not prepared for this. Literally—I only have two tampons. How the hell did I forget to pack tampons?