Holding On

by Rachael Brownell

  “I hope you don’t mind coming up here instead of going to a restaurant,” he said.

  When I looked over to him, his face had such a serious look. He was actually concerned that I would have preferred to go somewhere else. I really didn’t. It couldn’t get much better than this for a “first date” of sorts.

  “No, it’s great. The view is spectacular, and the company’s not so bad either,” I said teasingly, trying to lighten his mood. It must have worked because a smile crept across his face, and you could see the tension he was holding in his shoulder lift.

  “Good. This is my favorite place to go when I need to get away from everything. It’s kind of special to me.”

  His words sank in, and I realized that he was trying to show me a part of who he was on the inside.

  We talked for a few minutes, and I started to feel more comfortable the more I learned about him. He had just asked me about my dad. I hesitated for a moment, and as I started to reply, I heard a howling that sounded fairly close to where we were. I sat straight up and started to look around. When my eyes met his, he knew that I was scared, and he helped me down from the wall without a word.

  I jumped in the car and watched him pack up our picnic. Once he put the basket in the backseat and climbed in the car, he turned to face me, instead of starting the car like I thought he would.

  “It was pretty close to where we were, so I can understand why you got scared. Coyotes tend to wander up this way because people leave scraps of food behind,” he explained.

  His statement was simple, like he was used to being interrupted by this. If he came here often after dark, I figured it had happened before.

  “I’m just glad that I didn’t see it, or else I would have really freaked out,” I said. It was the truth. I had remained calmer on the outside than I had been on the inside. The truth was, I was freaking out and didn’t want him to see it. I was still trying to calm down a little if I was being honest with myself. I knew that I was probably safe in the car, but I also knew that if I saw the coyote that I would freak out.

  “Well, do you want to head back down and grab a coffee, or do you want me to take you home?”

  “Are we safe if we sit in your car and talk?” I squeaked. I knew that my voice was giving away the fact that I was scared, but I didn’t care. I didn’t want to go home yet. I really wanted to be alone with him as long as we were safe inside his car.

  “Yeah, we’re safe.” He took a long pause, and I knew that he wanted to say more. “What did you want to talk about because there’s something that I need to get off my chest? I have been trying to figure out how to tell you all night.”

  That sounded bad. It actually sounded very bad. I didn’t know him that well, but I knew enough about guys to know that they didn’t really enjoy talking about their feelings, and if there was something he wanted or needed to tell me, I probably was not going to like to hear it.

  “Okay,” I said, drawing the single word out more than I had anticipated.

  “Well, I know that we haven’t known each other that long and we don’t know each other that well, but there are things about me that I think you need to know.” The way he said it sent shivers to my core. There was no emotion behind his words. They were just words. “I want to make sure that everything is out in the open before we see what this is,” he continued, motioning his hand between us.

  “Okay.” He had reduced me to single-word answers again and not the same way he had before. I preferred the method he had used earlier.

  “Well”—he paused, not seeming overly anxious to tell me anything at that moment—“I sort of have a girlfriend right now.” He said it really fast, and just as fast I felt like he had slapped me across the face. Are you freaking kidding me right now?

  “Really? So does your girlfriend know that you kissed me? Does your girlfriend know where you are right now?” I asked through clenched teeth. I could hear the anger in my words as they came spilling out of my mouth. I could feel the tension build in the car as I turned to face out the front window, arms crossed.

  “She doesn’t know any of that stuff, and she doesn’t need to.”

  Excuse me? I whipped my head back around and just stared at him. I thought that was important information, and I didn’t want to be a part of his lies.

  Before I could tell him any of this, he continued. “We are taking a break right now. We haven’t been together for about a month.”

  “That does not make this right. That does not mean that you can do whatever you want just because you are on a break. That just means that you are not kissing each other right now.” I felt like I was screaming at him and I probably was. “Take me home, please. I need to go home.”

  With that, the conversation ended. He started the car, and we headed down the mountain in complete silence. The drive seemed to take twice as long to get home. The uncomfortable silence didn’t help the situation. Once we pulled onto my street, he pulled the car over about a block away from my house and threw it in Park.

  “I understand why you are upset, but please let me finish,” he pleaded.

  I stared at him with my arms crossed over my chest and nodded slightly for him to continue.

  “I never expected any of this to happen. I never expected to meet anyone and to like them so much. You caught me completely off guard. I watched you serve that first day for what felt like forever before I even had the nerve to approach you. It was like I was drawn to you for some reason.” He paused to take a deep breath before he continued. I could see the strain on his face. He wanted to tell me everything but knew that I didn’t want to hear it. “I broke it off with her, and she convinced me to take a break over the holidays. She wants to get back together, and now I don’t want to. She doesn’t make me feel the way you do, and I just met you. I should feel happy when I’m with her when we go out. I don’t, and I can’t keep lying to myself to make her happy. I don’t want to be with her anymore, I haven’t for a while and should never have let her talk me into taking a break over the holidays. I want to be with you. I told her I didn’t want to be with her anymore the other day, and she flipped out on me.”

  It hit me like a ton of bricks that I really liked this guy. He made me feel alive, made me want to come out of my shell. He gave me strength when I felt defeated, especially when it came to tennis. He was supportive and caring. He was amazing. He made me feel like Brad made me feel all those years.

  This was the first time I actually wanted to be in a relationship, and he was taken. I had to keep reminding myself of that, or else I was afraid I would lose sight of it and do something I shouldn’t. Plus, my life was a bit rocky with relationships right now, and I needed time to figure out my own dilemmas before I could move forward.

  “I want you to know I’ve heard everything you said, and as soon as you get your shit together, you can call me, but not until then,” I stated with no emotion in my voice at all.

  I was so proud of myself. I stood up for what I believed in. I was not going to play second fiddle to anyone else, and I was not going to be the reason that someone got their heart broken. Apparently, I was already that person for Claire, and I didn’t plan on adding another girl to that list.

  I opened the door and got out. The cold air nipped at the back of my neck as I made the short trek to my house. After a few minutes, I heard Ethan start his car, but he never drove past. When I reached my driveway, I turned to see that he was still parked in the same spot watching to make sure I got home all right.

  Chapter Seven

  The next few weeks went by without any new drama. My life was finally beginning to feel normal for a change. Brad and I had talked a few times, but neither of us brought up Claire or anything about her or our situation. I knew that he wanted to talk about us, but I couldn’t bring myself to think about it. I had said some seriously rotten things to him. I never apologized, and both of us were acting like the conversation never happened. Fine by me.

  I talked to Emma a few times to
see what the progress was with our plan. I felt like I was spying on Brad. Emma was keeping me posted on everything, from his sullen mood to the girls who were asking him out and how he was refusing all of them. She also kept me posted on Claire. The girl was not giving up on Brad or on me. She took any chance she could to bad-mouth me to her friends, some of which were also my friends. That was a big mistake on her part since they were defending me and she was creating enemies in the process.

  I was also avoiding Ethan for the most part. I avoided him in the halls when I could. Since the night we went out, he seemed to be everywhere all the time. I had never noticed him outside of class before. The one place that I couldn’t avoid him was in class, but I tried to surround myself with other people so that he didn’t have any opportunity to corner me and try to talk about us. Wow! I was in two really messed up “relationships” if you could call either of them that.

  I found that Natalie, Jill, and I made a great team. We worked together on the sports spreads, and by the time those were finished, it felt like we were inseparable. We had bonded over a common interest and found friendship along the way. I was proud of myself for making friends and trying to move forward in this strange new place. It was beginning to feel like home, or at least a place that could one day resemble home for me.

  The Friday before Valentine’s Day, at lunch, the girls were giggling as I walked up to the table. As I sat down, the giggling stops and everyone was looking at me. What a way to make a girl feel welcomed. Were they talking about me? Had I done something wrong that I was unaware of?

  “What?” I asked. Everyone was still staring at me.

  “Well,” Natalie started, “I know we haven’t been able to hang out much, and we were just wondering if you wanted to come to a party with us tonight.”

  I could hear the hesitance in her voice. Did she think I was a prude, or was she just not sure if she wanted to hang out with me? I didn’t really know what to say, so I didn’t say anything. I wanted to go, but I didn’t really feel like she wanted me to, and the last thing I wanted was for things to get awkward between us.

  After a few minutes, Jill added, “It’s at Natalie’s ex-boyfriend’s house, so we are all going in support of her.”

  So that was why she was hesitant. I could support that. I knew that the next time I see Brad, ex-boyfriend or not, I was going to need a little support myself. Plus, I had been using Natalie and Jill as a support system, without them knowing, for weeks now. They have been my “buffer” with Ethan.

  “Sure. My mom should be okay with it. What time?” I asked. A party really did sound great. It would be just what I needed to take my mind off all the boy drama that I had been avoiding. I needed a little girl time. I didn’t even realize it, but I hadn’t had girl time for so long.

  “I’ll pick you up at eight,” Natalie said with a big smile on her face. “Make sure you wear something dressy. It’s a senior party.”

  “Okay.” I drew the word out longer than I had intended. She hadn’t mentioned a boyfriend, or ex-boyfriend, the entire time I had known her. “So you were dating a senior? When did you break up?” I was trying to sound interested, but I really couldn’t care less about her ex-boyfriend. I was just happy that I had friends and that I was not going to be spending yet another Friday night doing homework.

  “He broke up with me a few months ago. He’s a real jerk. I should have known better. A couple of girls warned me that he would string me along and then break my heart.” It sounded like they were pretty serious I guess, if she was talking about him breaking her heart. You could see that there was some serious anger growing inside of her. She was not over this guy yet, and I felt bad for him if he crossed her path tonight.

  “So why are we going to his party tonight if you dislike him so much?”

  “I don’t know. It’s a party, a senior party, and I kind of want to go and see what he’s up to. I have a feeling that he’s started to see someone.”

  “You know what you should do?” I asked with a hint of mischief in my voice. She looked at me and shook her head. I could see the tears she was holding back. “You should find a date for tonight and then show up at his party. Maybe he will realize what he’s missing.”

  “Oh my god. You are a genius!” She was screaming, clapping her hands, and bouncing in her seat. I don’t think she even realized it.

  “Wow. That’s a really great idea,” Jill added. She seemed to be a bit too much of a follower sometimes. They all did. It was like Natalie was up on a pedestal, and all her friends were bowing down at her feet. I was not going to be like that. “Who are you going to ask, Natalie?”

  “I don’t know. I haven’t thought about anyone else for the last year or so, even before he-who-shall-remain-nameless and I started dating.”

  I could hear the anger in her voice when she was talking about him again.

  Jill and Natalie brainstormed about who she should ask for the rest of lunch. I kept out of their conversation since I wasn’t sure who any of the guys were. I felt a little bad for the poor soul who was chosen since it was my idea, and I felt a little bad for her ex, even though I figured he deserved it. Revenge was not my style, but it kind of sounded like she wanted him back, and this would be the best way to make him jealous.

  By the end of lunch, they had picked their “victim” and were setting off to find him. Since Natalie would be riding with

  Morgan if all went well, I was going to be picking Jill up instead since she didn’t have a car. We were going to meet at this guy’s house at eight thirty.

  The rest of the day went by quickly. I was nervous about going to this party but also very excited. It really did sound like fun, and maybe I would be able to make a few more friends, not that I didn’t like the ones I had. I was used to being so busy with tennis that the few close friends that I kept at home were all that I ever needed. Right now, I was anything but busy. Tennis tryouts weren’t for another week, and if I didn’t make the team, then I was going to be really bored here until I went home for the summer.

  Just as the bell rang for school to be over, I found myself alone in the yearbook office, finishing up the advertising letters I had been working on that week. I heard the bell, then I heard the door open and close a bunch of times, and just as I was getting ready to print the final draft that needed to be approved, I heard the door one last time.

  “Ms. Phillips I’m in here,” I called out to her. She had been in a meeting with some of the students for most of the class, trying to finalize the layout of the book. I still needed to get her approval before I could send the letters out. “I need you to approve the final draft so that I can—” I turned around as I was talking to her and stopped midsentence, realizing that she was not the one who had come back in the room.

  “Hey,” he said. There was a long pause, and when I finally got the courage to look up from my shoes, I noticed that he was staring at his. Neither of us felt comfortable around each other apparently or at least we knew we couldn’t make eye contact. “I know you have been avoiding me, but can we talk for a minute?”

  “Um, I really don’t have time. I need to get home.” I was talking fast all the sudden and shoving things in my bag. I grabbed the letter off the printer and put it in Ms. Phillips’s mailbox for editing. As I moved toward him, my feet slowed on their own. I wanted to run, but apparently my legs didn’t agree with me.

  He put his hand on my shoulder and moved in front of me. His hands slid down my arms and ended up on my waist. At that point, I was having a hard time controlling my breathing and was still afraid to look at him. Deep breath in, exhale, repeat.

  When I finally had the courage to look up at him, he was staring right into my eyes, into my soul. I couldn’t look away. I was drawn to him at that moment. I wanted to reach out and run my fingers through his hair, tug on his barbell, pull myself into his arms, and inhale the scent that was only his. I shook the thoughts from my mind and looked away.

  “Will you please take a few minutes
and talk to me?” He sounded like he was begging, and I gave in with the slightest nod of my head. I don’t think that I even realized that I was nodding until it was over and I had agreed.

  We sat on opposite sides of the desk, but the room was small, and suddenly I felt too close to him again. I knew that we needed to have this talk. I had been avoiding this for weeks, and just when I was about to speak up, my phone vibrated in my pocket. I put up my finger to let him know I’ll be a minute, and I walked out of the office to take the phone call, not really caring who it was at that moment.

  “Hello?” I said, the relief apparent in the one word that I spoke.

  “Hey, it’s Natalie. I managed to get a date for me, but he has a friend and since I’m pretty sure you aren’t seeing anyone, I told him we could double.”

  I glanced through the window of the office and felt a bit of relief wash over me for some reason. “Sounds fun,” I replied. “What about Jill, though?”

  “She’ll be fine. We’ll meet up like we planned. You bring Jill to the party, and I’ll bring Ben, your date.”

  “Okay. I’ll see you a little after eight then. Later.”

  After I hung up, I went back into the office and felt a little more confident. I didn’t know who this Ben person was, but I had a date, and I could use that as a way to get out of this conversation, maybe. Did I really want to get out of having the conversation? My body was on high alert being so close to him, and I really just wanted to kiss him. I was standing in the doorway, staring at the back of his neck, watching him intently when I made my decision. I couldn’t let my body dictate this decision.

  “Let’s make this quick,” I started, trying to sound in control, pressed for time, irritated. I knew how I was trying to sound, but as the words vibrated through my ears, I sounded breathless. “I have plans, and I need to get home.” I’m pretty sure that I whispered that last sentence.