Holding On

by Rachael Brownell

“Did you want to stay for breakfast?”

  “Your mom already invited me.”

  I could hear that his voice was closer than before. The hair on the back of my neck stood up, and I felt him standing behind me just as he slipped his arms around my waist.

  “Plus, I am not leaving until we talk,” he said, kissing my neck.

  Crap!

  “Okay. Breakfast first.” I was trying to sound mature about the whole situation, but I knew that in the end I was going to be a flipping mess.

  I tried to wiggle out of his embrace, but he only held me tighter, and I gave up without much of a fight. I removed the pancakes from the griddle and rotate myself in his arms. His eyes were sparkling, and his look was intense. I could feel my legs begin to go weak, and I braced the counter behind me just as his lips met mine. He was gentle, and it only lasted a few seconds, but my entire body responded to him, and all I wanted was more.

  We sat in silence while we ate pancakes with my mom and sister. Amy kept looking at him, then at me, then at him, like she was trying to figure out what was going on. She was incredibly smart for her age, and I knew that if she saw me look at him, she would figure it out. She had seen us asleep on the couch when she came home from the movies with my mom last night. She might only be twelve, but she was incredibly insightful. If she was just a few years older, I would be asking her for advice.

  After breakfast, I took a quick shower and changed into some clean clothes. Once I was presentable, we decided to go for a walk. I grabbed my jacket, and we went out the back door. Our backyard wasn’t anything special, but we did live on the edge of the desert and there was plenty of privacy and plenty of open space to explore. Walking in to the wide, open land behind the house was like walking into the unknown for me.

  “So,” he finally said, breaking the silence after we were about a football field away from the house, “are you gonna hear me out?”

  “Sure. I just can’t make any promises as to where this is going to go.” I was motioning between us with my hand, and he caught it midair and intertwined our fingers. I was so caught off guard that I stopped walking abruptly.

  “Look, I know that this is a messy situation. It never occurred to me that you had no idea who I was dating when we first met, and it never occurred to me that you two were becoming so close. I broke up with her after our ‘date.’” He was using air quotes. “She didn’t take the news as hard as I thought she would, and I think it’s because we had been on such a long break from each other already. If I had thought about it at all, I would have made sure that you knew that we had been seeing each other. I kind of figured she told you. You were with her at my house, after all. What was I supposed to think?”

  “She never said anything about a boyfriend or that she was seeing anyone. When she invited me to the party, she referred to you as ‘he- who-shall-remain-nameless,’ so I still had no clue that I was going to end up at your house.” I paused, not sure of how I wanted to say what was really on my mind, but I knew I needed to get it off my chest. “Look, it’s pretty obvious that I like you, but I just can’t do this. Natalie is my friend. Maybe if we hadn’t become friends, then this could end differently, but I cannot turn my back on her, and I don’t plan to sneak around, either.”

  We turned around and started to walk back toward the house. As it came into view again, I realized that we were still holding hands, and I tried to pull away. He held on tighter, and we stopped walking again. I felt him pull me close to him, but I didn’t have the strength to look up.

  “You and I will be together.” It was a statement, not a question, and he intended it that way. “I know that I won’t be able to stay away from you. You have drawn me in, and I only want to get closer to you. So we will find a way to deal with the Natalie thing. It may take a while, but we will deal with this if you’re willing to try.”

  I looked up at him this time, and he was staring straight into my eyes. I couldn’t help but want to believe him that it could really work, even if it was for just a few minutes. Then he kissed me, and I wanted it to work. I wanted him more than anything I had ever wanted before. I put every emotion that I had behind that kiss, wanting to tell him with without words how I felt. I wanted to show him what I wanted from him. I wanted to show him that I was willing to try. I could have kissed him for the rest of my life, but my phone rang, and the moment was lost. I pulled it out of my pocket and knew that we would never be, no matter how much either of us wanted it.

  Natalie was calling.

  Chapter Nine

  My hands shook as I hit the Ignore button on my cell. I wanted to talk to Natalie, but I wasn’t sure that I knew what to say. Our relationship felt awkward to me with the knowledge I had gained in the last twenty-four hours. Was she even aware of what was going on? Did she know about Ethan and me? There were a million things going through my mind as we finished walking back to my house in silence. I wasn’t sure what to say to him. I knew that I wanted to be with him, but I also knew that I was not willing to risk my friendship with Natalie.

  As we approached the back porch, he kissed my hand and then let go and pulled his keys out of his pocket. I knew that there was still so much to say, so much to talk about, but I wasn’t ready to open myself up to the destruction that was inevitable. Instead, I watched him walk around the side of the house and heard his car start before I went inside, up to my room, and let myself cry.

  I was pulling myself back together when my phone began to ring again. I looked at the caller ID and saw that it was Brad. I could deal with this. Right? My heart couldn’t break any more today if I didn’t let it.

  “Hey,” I said, trying to sound as upbeat as possible.

  “What’s up?” Brad replied.

  “Not much. How’s the snow?”

  “Cold. How’s the weather there? Is it still chilly at night?”

  “Yeah, but it’s getting warmer during the days so it kind of makes up for it.” I could talk about the weather, but I knew we were just talking around bigger things. “So, what else is new?”

  “Not much. I finally got Claire to leave me alone after ignoring her for the last month.”

  I knew what he had been doing, but still hearing it shocked me a little. She deserved a better ending. I had finally come to terms with the fact that he broke up with her because of me, because she wasn’t me, but it still didn’t make me feel any better about the situation.

  “If that’s really what you want, then I’m happy for you.”

  He didn’t respond right away because he knew that I still wouldn’t talk to him about us. The last time we broached the subject a few weeks ago, I had shut him down by telling him that I wouldn’t discuss it. I would love to be able to tell him the truth about how I felt about him, but things couldn’t change between us, so why put that strain on our relationship? It already felt like it was about to break apart at any given moment.

  “So anything exciting happening there?”

  I really wanted to tell him about all the drama that was going on. I knew he would understand the stupid situation that I had been pulled into, but I also didn’t want to talk to him about my relationship with Ethan, or the lack thereof. He was my best friend—he was supposed to be the one I ran to with problems like this. I just couldn’t bring myself to say the words. My situation with him was too much like my situation with Ethan.

  “Nope. Same stuff, different day.” I was at a complete loss for words. I felt like I was lying to him by keeping things from him. “I was thinking about playing tennis this spring. Tryouts are in about a week.”

  “That’s great, Becca. I told you that you would get your game back.

  Have you been practicing a lot lately?”

  I had been practicing almost every day and sometimes on the weekends for a while, but as of recently, I had been avoiding the courts. In truth, I had been avoiding Ethan. I knew that there were other places that I could practice, but I never put the effort into finding them.

  “Not as much as
I want to, and definitely not as much as I should be. I still have some time to get my game back together.” Like a whole week. Crap!

  “Well, you should go out and practice today. Do any of your friends play well enough to volley with you?”

  Only one.

  “No, but they have boards up at the school that I can hit against, and I am still focusing on my serve for the most part. I have about twenty balls in my bag, so I can go for a while, but then I have to chase them all down so I can go again.”

  “Well, when I come out, I will hit with you.”

  Brad was horrible at tennis. He could barely return a soft volley, let alone one of my serves. It took a moment for his words to sink in, and when they did, I was shocked speechless. He was going to come and visit me? His parents said yes? Crap! I was excited and scared.

  “Really?” You could hear the excitement in my voice. I couldn’t contain the joy that I was feeling over just the thought of being able to put my arms around him and breathe his clean, masculine scent. It wasn’t until after we ended our call that the ensuing dread kicked in, and I could feel the bile rise in my throat. I wouldn’t be able to avoid anything if he was here. I was going to have to figure out what I was going to do, and then when he got here, we were going to have to deal with it.

  I made the tennis team with ease. I was nervous during tryouts for the first time in my life, though. There were more girls there than I thought there would be, and the simple fact that it seemed like all of them had played before scared me to death. After I ran my drills and started to watch some of the other girls doing theirs, I mentally thanked my parents for the private lessons and the doctor for insisting I go to physical therapy for my shoulder. I had an edge to my game that I didn’t see any of the other girls had. My training over the past week had paid off, and my shoulder was sore, but I still managed to ace all ten serves to the assistant coach. I was pretty sure he was impressed.

  There were a few girls who were sitting off to the side of the tryouts. They looked to be my age, so I figured they were just watching. When I arrived at my first practice a few days later, I learned that they were the team captains, and by the looks that they gave me, they were not impressed. It made we wonder whose spot I had taken on the team to deserve the evil glares.

  I let it go and worked my butt off the first few weeks. Our first match was coming up, and the coach still had not posted where he wanted us to play. I was hoping for singles since the other girls didn’t really want to have anything to do with me. I had always played the top singles spot back home, but with the smaller size of the school, there was not a lot of competition on the team. I never had to try out after my first year, I was captain the last season, and I had held the same spot since I started playing. Competition within the team was new to me, but I was up for it as long as they understood that I was not going to be backing down.

  Our first match was exactly two weeks before Brad was set to arrive. My mind was wandering from him to Ethan and back again throughout the day. I had yet to talk to Natalie about what had happened at the party a few weeks back. Ben had been calling me every so often to ask me out, but I had been using tennis as an excuse to avoid him. It was all too much to handle at once. I wanted to figure things out for myself before I opened up to anyone else.

  Ethan and I had been texting but not talking. He would ask how I was and vice versa, but we never talked about anything deeper than that. He had been the first person I texted when I found out I made the tennis team, and he was who I was texting right now to tell him I was playing in the two singles spot.

  Ethan: congrats!

  Me: thx. the grl at 1 is rly good i guess

  Ethan: not really. you could take her i bet

  Me: i guess we shall see. r u coming to watch 2day

  Ethan: i wouldnt miss u in that hot little skirt and tight top for anything. you should use ur other racket though

  I glanced down at my outfit; it was pretty form fitting. My gaze shifted then to my right hand. I didn’t even realize that I had grabbed my older racket until I read his text. Huh? My phone tinged again to alert me to a new text message.

  Ethan: two oclock

  I looked slightly to my right where I thought two o’clock would be, and I saw him. He was standing just outside the fence by a tree. I waved and then shot him a text, thanking him for coming to watch me play. When my phone started to ding before I could send his text, I almost dropped it.

  Brad: good luck! do i get 2 see u play while im there

  Leave it to Brad to make sure he wished me good luck. He would only get to see me play once, but I knew he really wanted to be there to support me making my “comeback,” as he liked to call it. I wanted to prove to him that I really was back to being 100 percent next week.

  I sent the original text to Ethan and then dropped a quick text to Brad before swapping out for my better racket and heading onto the courts to stretch. I was one of the first matches that would be played today, so I only had about ten minutes before we were to get started. Let my comeback begin!

  The girl I played was extremely talented. She had a kick-ass forehand but not much of a serve, and she had a really hard time returning a few of my serves. I ended up winning, by quite a bit, but I found it hard to be excited at that moment. I wanted to play against their best player, not their second best. I was used to being at the top, playing the best available, and winning. I couldn’t even begin to describe what it felt like to not be the top contender.

  Brit, the girl who was playing one singles that day, ended up losing to her opponent. I was one of only three people who ended up winning. Our team was strong, but obviously not strong enough. It wasn’t until I met up with Ethan after the matches were over that I learned that most of the other team had gone on to play at state last year, including the girl I had beaten. I felt a little better after learning that little tidbit of knowledge and went home with my head held a little bit higher.

  The weeks went by faster than I thought they would in anticipation of Brad’s arrival. I spent most of the afternoon Thursday cleaning out the guest room and getting it ready for him. Natalie had insisted that she got to meet my best friend— she could not get over that it was a guy after she saw the picture of us that Brad had given me with my ring. I think it had more to do with how Brad looked and less to do with him being my best friend. He was intoxicatingly good-looking after all.

  She had been dating Morgan for a little over a month now officially. It seemed like they were truly happy, and it made me wonder if I even wanted to bring up the whole Ethan thing with her. She never mentioned him anymore, and I thought that maybe that was my all clear of sorts to go ahead and pursue something with him if I wanted to. Did I want to?

  She had caught me staring at him a few weeks ago during class. I lied to her and told her that I was just lost in thought, and she bought it the first time. After she caught me again, I confessed that I thought he was cute. She never mentioned that she used to date him, so neither did I. She told me that he was a player and that I was better suited for someone like Ben if I was looking for a boyfriend. She didn’t forbid me to date him. It kind of came across as a warning to be careful, more than anything else. I should have taken that moment to tell her, but I chickened out and knew that I would never be able to.

  So as the final hour approached to leave for the airport to pick up Brad, I started to panic. Natalie was having a “thing” at her house tonight to welcome Brad to Tucson. I thought it was unnecessary, but she insisted, especially since her parents had taken off for some sort of third honeymoon. I didn’t know who was invited, but I saw her talking to a bunch of people in class, and I knew that Jill would be there. I assumed Morgan and Ben would be in attendance, but other than that, I wasn’t in the loop. She could invite anyone she wanted; it was her house after all. I was just a guest at this party.

  I found Ethan waiting for me by my locker as I approached. He was smiling at me—that full-megawatt dimple-showing smile that I loved
so much. His eyes were sparkling like they had been that morning we had breakfast together. I was caught up in a trance again as I walked toward him. I wanted to put my hands in his hair, tug him toward me, and kiss him with every bit of passion I had in my body. I didn’t, of course. We were in the middle of the hallway, at school, and Natalie could be lurking anywhere.

  “Hey,” I said as I finally reached my locker.

  “Hey. Are you headed straight to the airport, or do you have time to grab a coffee before you have to pick him up?” The way he said him made me straighten my back a little and take notice of his tone. He was jealous.

  “I have time for coffee, but only if you are going to behave yourself.” I was teasing him, and I know that he could hear that in my voice.

  “I’ll meet you at the Bean in about twenty?”

  “Sound good.”

  I shut my locker, but before I could walk away, he had me pinned against it and was kissing me deeply. I forgot all about being in a public place. I forgot all about Natalie being around somewhere. I completely let my mind shut down.

  He pulled away, just as quickly as he had attacked me, breathless. “Now I can promise to behave.” He said this with a smile as he turned and walked away, leaving me stunned and staring at his fabulous behind.

  I pulled myself together and headed to my car. There was no time to swing home now if I was going to have coffee with Ethan before picking up Brad. I could still feel his lips on mine as I drove out of the parking lot. My phone chimed with an incoming text, but I ignored it. I would check my phone once my head was screwed back on straight.

  I pull into the Bean and noticed that Ethan was already here. He must have come straight from school as well. I grabbed my purse and my phone. I checked to see who sent me a text, and it was Ben. I don’t really want to deal with him right now, but I open it anyway to see what he wants.