Holding On

by Rachael Brownell

  I watched the sunset over Lake Michigan for my final time this summer. I knew that I would see it again and that I would probably have the company of most of my friends next time, but it sure made things feel a little final. It felt more like summer was coming to a close than anything else. It felt like we should be going back to school on Monday, instead of me flying away tomorrow.

  I sat alone and watched until darkness fell. I wanted to remember this moment for as long as I could. I was still staring out at the water when I felt Brad come up behind me and sit down. I scooted between his legs and went willingly into his open arms, relaxing my head against his chest. That’s when I started to let the tears fall. I knew that the only reason I was feeling this way was because I was afraid of what would happen after tomorrow.

  I wanted to stay in Michigan. I wanted to start my senior year with my friends. I wanted to watch the sunset over the lake a million more times that summer. Most of all, I wanted to stay wrapped in Brad’s arms. I wanted to feel like I did when his fingers grazed my ring. I wanted to feel like it all had meaning, that I had meaning, that we had meaning.

  As the night started to wind down and everyone started to pull out their sleeping bags, I made sure I placed mine next to

  Brad’s. We had barely spoken since this afternoon other than in passing. With the exception of the sunset, he kept his distance from me, and with only a few more hours to spend together, I was going to make sure that we actually spend it together, not tiptoeing around each other.

  This was my last chance to explain to Brad how I felt. I was a nervous wreck, and the possibilities of how the conversation could go were endless. I wanted once again to tell him the truth about my feelings for him, but I knew that it would only make my decision harder on him and on me. After everything was said and done, he might never want to speak with me again, and just the thought of that scared the hell out of me. I was not willing to lose my best friend.

  Everyone started to settle in for the night, except Brad. I sat up and looked around, but I didn’t see him anywhere. I grabbed the closest sweatshirt, his, and tugged it over my head before I started my trek down the beach. I let the cooling sand slip between my toes, but I made sure to stay away from the water.

  I found him about fifty yards away, lying in the sand, staring up at the stars. As I approached him, I expected him to acknowledge my presence, but he never even stirred. I sat down in the sand and laid my head on his stomach, our bodies forming a T in the sand. I stared up at the stars and started to wonder where it all went wrong. Our relationship was never complicated before I left. It was perfect. It was the kind of friendship everyone dreamed about. We truly made each other happy just by being there for one another. Things were unconditional.

  As I thought more and more about our life before the move, I realized that we were never just friends. Maybe we had started out as just friends but things had definitely changed between us before I moved. We had become a couple. We were in love with each other long before I moved, and neither of us was willing to admit it, so we danced the dance and became everything to one another—everything but the one thing that both of us wanted and were too afraid to take, knowing that we may lose each other if we jumped.

  I finally understood what Claire had been saying the day she called me. I finally understood why she blamed me for taking Brad away from her. I finally understood why she thought that he had broken up with her for me. She was right. I knew it then, but I denied it. Now I know that I was a fool. I had not truly stolen him from her. She never had him completely in the first place. I fell asleep with those as my last thoughts.

  My flight was leaving in three hours. I was literally throwing clothes in my suitcases, and I was pretty sure that some my winter clothes had made it in with my bathing suit. I didn’t really care at the moment. All I cared about was making it to the airport on time so I could get out of this place, so I could get back home to Ethan.

  I had been driving myself crazy the last twelve hours. The only thing I could think about was how I tore apart Claire and Brad’s relationship. Of course, I didn’t do it on purpose. I didn’t even know that I was doing it at the time. Okay, so the kissing before I left was not the brightest thing to do, but if I remember correctly, he started it. Wow! That was incredibly juvenile. This place really was making me crazy.

  I zipped up my suitcase, hoping that I had everything I need, or at least most of it. I know that my tennis bag was waiting by the front door, and that was all that really matters. As I dragged my suitcase down the stairs, I could feel his presence in the house. I knew that he would be here to see me off; he told me that when we woke up this morning tangled up in each other’s arms. Remembering the warmth of his breath on my neck and the sound of his heart beating against my ear sent a shiver down my spine.

  I rounded the corner and almost ran him over. I bumped into the back of him as I came to a stop, and I could see the tension in his body even before he turned to look at me. His eyes told the whole story. He knew that once I left, he would lose me. He would lose the chance of a relationship more than a friendship, which he so desperately wanted.

  “Hey, you’re here already.”

  “I wanted to make sure that you got packed. I see that you did. Want me to take that to the car for you?” He was rambling and speaking faster than normal. Nervousness was not something that easily consumed his body.

  “Sure. Thanks.” I didn’t really know what else to say to him. I wasn’t ready to say good-bye yet, and that was really all I had left to do.

  He grabbed the handle of my suitcase and lifted it off the ground. I had been dragging it behind me, and he was carrying it like it weighed as much as a piece of paper. I followed him to the door and snatched my tennis bag before heading outside. I turned around and scanned the living room one last time. I wasn’t so much looking for anything as I was memorizing what it looked like.

  He had already put my bag in the trunk, and I could see that my sister was strapped in and ready to go. My dad was standing by the trunk, waiting for me to put my bag in, when he saw the look on my face and decided that it was best to get in the car as well. Bless him for letting me do this with a little bit of privacy.

  I slowly made my way to the back of the car and tossed my tennis bag in, but I made no move to shut the trunk. Brad inched closer to me and pulled me into a hug. With the trunk shielding us from my dad and sisters view, he held me for what felt like forever but not long enough at the same time.

  When he finally pulled away, he kissed the top of my head and started to walk away. I couldn’t let things end like this. It didn’t feel right. I had a similar feeling when I took him to the airport after he visited, but this was multiplied by ten, at least. It actually felt like we were saying our final good-byes to each other, but neither of us had actually spoken the words.

  I put my hand over my heart and spoke with true conviction in my voice. My words stopped him in his tracks. “You live here. You will always live here.”

  He slowly turned, and when his eyes met mine, I could see the fires blazing. The ten steps he had taken away from me only took him five to get back before I knew what was happening, I was off the ground and his body was molded to mine. As he swung me around, the hug that he was giving me felt final. He was squeezing me so tight I wasn’t sure I was able to breathe.

  As he set me back down, he leaned in and kissed me softly on my lips. “You cannot use my words against me like that. It’s not fair.”

  “Well, fair or not, I meant them. You will always have a place in my heart, a piece of my heart.”

  “I sure hope he takes care of you because if he slips, I will be there to catch you and I’ll never let you go.”

  “I know.” With that, I kissed him just as softly as he had kissed me, and I got in the car. He was still standing on the sidewalk, staring at me as we drove away.

  Chapter Eighteen

  The air smelled different. The woodsy smell of Michigan was long gone and had been r
eplaced with the warm smells of the desert. It was also about twenty degrees warmer here if not more. It was hard to tell how warm it was because it was so dry. It was so sticky and humid in Michigan compared to here. They say that it rains a lot at the end of July, beginning of August. I guess I’ll find out here in about a month.

  I probably should have planned better for the change in weather. I was only wearing jeans and a t-shirt, but it felt like too much, and I knew that I would be sweating the second we left the air-conditioned airport. Maybe I’d get lucky, and it won’t be that hot outside today. With my luck, probably not.

  That first step I took off the plane was the hardest. I was excited to be back, excited to see Ethan, and yet very nervous about seeing him at the same time. The things that had happened over the past few weeks had led to me think and rethink just about every decision I had made. The biggest decision was leaving Brad behind. The fact was that I kept telling myself that I was leaving him behind, but in actuality, he was still right here with me in my heart. He’d always be, and I don’t think I would be able to change that. Ever. I could still smell him on my shirt from our hug hours ago. His scent was lingering, toying with my emotions. It was almost like he sprayed my shirt with whatever scent he wore before I put it on that morning. I knew it wasn’t true, but his smell was intoxicating, and with every deep inhale I took, it was all I could smell. My head was filled with so many thoughts of him that I could almost feel his arms around me.

  Rounding the corner to head past the security checkpoint and to the baggage claim, I could see his familiar face come into view. With one last deep breath, I tugged on my sister’s hand and weaved through the mass of people that were headed in the same direction, only slower than I want to go. My tennis bag was slapping against my hip as I rounded the glass security wall and slammed my body into his.

  He pulled me in as close as possible and held me tight. I could feel his warmth seeping into me through his clothes. I closed my eyes, let my hands roam, and took in all of the wonderful things that are pure Ethan. I loved the way he smells, the feel of his muscles as they move under my roaming fingertips, and finally, his nipple piercing. Once I found it, I gave it a little tug and felt him flex under my hands.

  Pulling out of our embrace before things go beyond a little PDA, Ethan gave me a quick kiss to the lips, and we headed to baggage claim hand in hand. The unspoken hellos were given as he squeezed my hand and I squeezed back. I could feel my sister eyeing me from behind and wondered exactly what was going through her mind.

  “Glad to be home, Amy?” Ethan asked sounding overly excited. The sound of his voice radiated through me. It had only been hours since I had spoken with him, but it felt like there was a filter on my phone compared to being next to him. I’m pretty sure I gave a little sigh at that moment.

  “Yep. Can’t wait to sleep in my own bed for a change. When’s Mom going to be home?” Amy asked sounding annoyed.

  “She’s there right now,” I said. This means that my sister would move a little faster. “She worked last night so she should be up by the time we get there, but she has to go back in tonight, so she needed to sleep. Ethan was nice enough to pick us up.”

  “Cool. I need to use the bathroom. Can you grab my bag for me?” Amy replied still sounding annoyed. Without waiting for an answer, she headed off in the direction I assumed the bathroom was in. I didn’t care. This gave me a moment alone with my boyfriend, and I hadn’t had one of those in weeks.

  “So did you miss me?” I asked. It was supposed to be a rhetorical question, and I was hoping that the playful tone in my voice gave that away.

  “Did you go somewhere?” Ethan asked, trying to sound confused. He was grinning from ear to ear when I looked up at him with my most offended expression. His eyes were sparkling against the horrible lighting, and as I started to speak, my mouth went dry. He has stolen my breath away with his beauty. “I missed you.”

  That time, his tone was light, and although I heard him perfectly, no one else heard him at all. Those words were just for me. The hint of desire in his voice was just for me. The story his eyes were telling was just for me. No one else existed in that moment except for me and Ethan.

  I reached up and put a hand on either of his cheeks. I caught a glimpse of my ring, and with it so close to his eyes, I could see no difference in the color of the two. “I missed you too.”

  That was all I was able to say before I cover his lips with mine. The kiss might have looked innocent, but it felt incredibly different. It was passionate and intense, and when we finally pulled apart, you could see the lust in our eyes. It was everything we had kept bottled up for the past three weeks. I felt like I was going to burst. It was good to be home.

  The next few weeks went by quickly. I knew that time was going to fly by because more than anything, I wanted it to go slow. Ethan was leaving for college at the end of August, and I wanted to savor every moment with him.

  He had made his decision but was not sharing with me. It bothered me a little at first, but I figured he would tell me when he was ready. Plus, the last thing I wanted was to fight with him when we only had a limited amount of time to spend together. If I knew how far away he would be in a couple of months, it would consume all my thoughts, and I would probably pout the entire summer. I wanted to enjoy the next few weeks, not dread them ending.

  Toward the end of July, as we were playing on the courts at the high school, I noticed that someone was watching us. The man stood off in the distance for a while, but as he came closer, I got butterflies in my stomach and started to feel like I was going to vomit. I knew who he was. I had seen him around since the start of my tennis season. He had come to watch a few of the home matches, and I had always wondered who he was keeping his eye on.

  I was so distracted at that very moment that I missed the ball and sliced the air with my racket. The look on my face must have told Ethan the whole story because he turned to see that the man was now standing just outside the fencing of the courts. He was definitely watching us.

  As Ethan turned back around, a small smile started to spread across his lips. “You know that I’m spoken for, so he must be here to see you. That was a hell of a way to impress a scout.” He was referring to my complete miss moments earlier. I smiled at his comment as I felt the pink flush my cheeks.

  I walked over to the gate and let myself out. Ethan was right behind me as I approached the man with as much confidence as I could muster at the moment. As he turned toward me, I could see the schools emblem stitched over the breast pocket of his crisp white polo shirt.

  “Rebecca Blake,” I said with my hand held out to him. He shook it and nodded his head in acknowledgment.

  “I know who you are, Miss Blake. I watched you destroy a young lady the first match you played here. I was impressed then, and I’m impressed now.” He was smiling at me. He really came here to watch me? That’s un-freaking-believable! “I’m Scott Jones. I’m the assistant coach for the men’s and women’s tennis teams at the U.”

  “It’s nice to meet you. Mr. Jones, this is my boyfriend, Ethan Green.” I motioned to where Ethan stood behind me.

  “Nice to see you again, Mr. Green.”

  Again? Had Ethan been looking at the U as a possibility? Had they offered him a scholarship? I turned to Ethan to ask him all these things when I was cut off.

  “Well, Miss Blake, the reason I’m here is because we have a program that I thought you might be interested in that starts here in a couple of weeks. We are starting a small women’s tennis competition within the state of Arizona for high-school senior tennis players. Only high-school senior girls with potential to play in college are being invited to join.”

  “I don’t understand. I would be playing for the university?”

  “Yes and no. You would not be a part of the U’s team, but you would be representing the U in a way. The program is designed to bring together all the top-performing senior tennis players in the state for scouting purposes. All the scouts
would be able to watch you girls play each other twice a month, and you would have the opportunity to showcase your talent with the possibility to snag an available scholarship.”

  “Wow! It sounds like a great opportunity. What do I need to do?”

  “Well, I need your parents to sign these.” He pulled a stack of papers out of his bag. The stack was about as thick as a DVD. Obviously, I would be reading this tonight. “Then if they agree to everything, you would need to enroll in one class at the U. You will get dual credit for this class with the high school and the U, and because it will be classified as dual enrollment, it won’t cost you a thing.”

  I took the stack of papers and stared at them. I could feel Ethan behind me; he had moved a little closer. He reached around me and took the stack of papers. I could hear him flipping through them, probably skimming the “fine print.”

  “When do you need an answer?” I asked.

  “As soon as you make a decision would be great. Each team only has seven spots. We showcase three singles players and two doubles teams. I have filled five spots so far. I would like for you to play one singles for us and see what possibilities are out there for you.”

  One singles? Did he really just ask me to play one singles for the U? I felt my heart beginning to race, my legs starting to tremble, and before I even realized that they were going to give out, Ethan’s arms were around my waist, holding me up.

  “She’ll get back with you tomorrow,” Ethan stated firmly from behind me.