Holding On
Page 21
I took a deep breath and took in every word he just said. He chose me. “What about your scholarship?” I closed my eyes, fearing that he gave up a scholarship for me.
“They were one of the three I had to choose from. It’s a full ride.”
I could feel his breath on my neck. I knew that he was going to kiss me before it happened, and I couldn’t suppress the smile that was going to become permanently plastered on my face. I reached out and found his nipple ring and gave it a little tug, knowing that I could get him to moan. It was so soft that I was the only one that could hear it.
I needed to say something before I lost the nerve. I could feel the air rush from my chest as the words slipped past my tongue.
“I love you.”
“I love you too, gorgeous.”
I wasn’t sure if my mom and sister could hear, but at that moment, I really didn’t care. The only thing I cared about was kissing him, so I did.
Our perfect moment was interrupted by the loud ringing coming from my pocket. I pulled back and rested my forehead on his, but I kept my eyes closed. I didn’t need to look at him to know what he was feeling right now—I felt it too.
As soon as my phone stopped, I could hear my mom’s cell start ringing in the other room. My body became immediately alert that something was wrong, and I was looking at my screen as I heard her answer.
Brad’s mom? Oh my god. What’s going on?
I immediately grabbed for my ring, remembering that I took it off to shower this morning and never put it back on.
I looked up to see that my mom had tears in her eyes, and my legs gave out. My senses were overwhelmed, the smell of enchiladas filling the room as my sister walked in with them in her hand. The last thing I saw was Ethan’s face before the world around me went black.
Chapter Twenty-Two
The hours following that horrific phone call were a blur. I remember talking to Brad’s mom. I remember packing a bag and getting on a plane. I don’t remember my flight or my dad picking me up at the airport. By the time I was wrapped up in the arms of Brad’s parents, I was exhausted physically and mentally. I hadn’t slept in over thirty hours, and my body was beginning to shut down. I had cried for almost an hour straight before Ethan was finally able to calm me down. He held me in his arms on the floor of my dining room while my entire body shook.
I could hear someone calling my name. It sounded distant, but I made myself push through the fog and opened my eyes. I didn’t see anyone, but I heard my name again. As I started to lift my head, I realize where I was. I could almost smell the hospital before it registered.
Again, I heard my name, but when I looked up, I was alone in the room, except Brad. He was laying there, perfectly still. They took him off life support, but we still needed him to wake up. With most of the tubes and wires gone, he almost looked like my best friend again, but not exactly. I kept talking to him, telling him to hold on, squeezing his hand to let him know that I was here, waiting for him to wake up. The doctors said that it was good to talk to him. I felt stupid sometimes when the nurses would walk in and I was in the middle of a one-sided conversation, but I was past the point of caring. I was barely holding it together at this point.
It had been four days. It had been the longest four days of my entire life. I was pretty sure that I smelled bad, and I knew for a fact that I look bad. The only thing I had managed to do in the last four days was brush my hair and teeth. I tried to give myself a washcloth bath in the restroom but found that it was harder than it sounded. I basically ended up with damp clothes that smelled of me. I settled for spraying myself with body spray every morning and night. It was Brad’s favorite.
I got up and stretched, knowing that it had been at least three or four hours since I fell asleep next to him. The nurses and doctors had been great, letting me stay overnight and pretty much never making me leave his side. They rolled a cot into the room for me two days ago, but I have yet to use it. Once they took out the major “equipment” that saved his life those first few days, I had managed to get away with sleeping in the bed with him.
I heard my name once more, and it was so faint that I almost wondered if I was dreaming. I looked over at my best friend, and as I brushed my hand across his cheek, I could feel his quick intake of breath. I pulled my hand away and stood there shocked. That was the first time he had had any kind of reaction to anything we’ve tried. I reached forward again and ran my hand down the other side of his face. This time, the quick intake of my own breath matched his.
I needed to get a nurse. I rushed toward the door, but before I could even reach the handle, I heard my name again, and I turned around. That was perfectly clear. I was certain that I heard my name, and I was certain that I was not dreaming. I pinched my arm anyway to make sure I was awake. I was. I reached for the doorknob once more when I heard it.
“Stay.”
Oh my god. His voice brought tears to my eyes, and I didn’t know if I was ready to turn around yet. It had been the most excruciating four days of my life. Hearing his voice again brought back the reality of the situation, and when I closed my eyes, I saw the look on my mother’s face again. I could feel the tears falling, but I kept my eyes closed.
When I turned around and finally opened them, my eyes met his and I practically fell apart on the spot. As I slowly made my way back to his bed, I never took my eyes off of him. He was alive, and that was the only thing I needed to know right now.
As I sat down on the side of his bed, he reached up and touched my cheek, wiping away a few fallen tears. I could feel how shaky his hand was, and it must have been hard for him to lift it. I was at a loss for words right now, so I held his hand to my cheek, trying to take some of the weight from him. I thought I had lost him, and now he was awake, smiling, and his voice was trying to soothe me.
Before I realized what’s happening, I was curled up in his arms, and he was rubbing small circular patterns down my back. I hugged him as tightly as I thought I should, not very tight at all, and began to shake.
“We need to call the doctor. I promised I would if you woke up.” I barely choke the words out above a whisper.
“Just give me one more minute with you. I need to know that you’re really here, that I’m really here,” Brad replied, pulling me tighter into his side.
“Trust me, I’m here, and you can probably smell that.” I let out a small laugh to lighten the mood, and I tried to pull back just a little, but he held me firmly in place. As bad as his accident was, he was still stronger than me. “Do you want to tell me what the hell happened?”
“I don’t really know what happened. I remember being in my car talking on the phone to you, and then my mind goes blank.”
I pulled back just a little, and he was staring straight into my eyes. I can see the wheels turning. I can see that he’s trying hard to remember what happened. He breaks eye contact with me before continuing. “The next thing I remember is smelling peaches and apples, hearing your voice telling me to keep holding on and then calling your name but not being able to get to you. When I opened my eyes, and you were here, I thought I was dreaming.”
“You are not dreaming—I’m here. I’ve been here since about eight hours after the accident, and I haven’t left your side since they put you in this room.”
“Tell me, Becca. Tell me what I don’t remember, please.”
I could hear the pleading in his voice. He wanted the details. I had them, but I wasn’t sure I was ready to talk about it yet.
“Let’s have the doctor check you out first, and then I will tell you. Deal?”
He gave me his “knowing” look. I was stalling, and he was right.
“I’m gonna grab the doctor and I’ll be right back,” I said breaking eye contact.
I slipped out of the bed, and when I reached the door, it opened for me. Stepping back to let them in, I inhaled sharply when his scent reached me. I pulled hard on the door and found Ethan standing on the other side. What was he doing here?
“He’s awake,” I choked out. “He just woke up, and I…I have to get the doctor.” When our eyes met, he knew what I was saying. He reached for my hand and intertwined our fingers, holding me tightly and pulling me toward the nurses’ station. His presence calmed me in a way that no one else’s could. It gave me strength, and from that strength, I knew that I was going to make it through this, Brad was going to make it through this, and everything was going to be all right.
We informed the nurses that he was awake, and a mixture of shock and excitement flooded their faces. We were asked to wait in the waiting room so that he could be checked out. I popped my head back in the room to let Brad know what was going on and told him I would be back as soon as the doctor said I could.
I made my way to the waiting room and called Brad’s parents. They had been at the hospital longer than I had when I sent them home last night. I told them to get some sleep and promised to call if anything changed. The panic in his mom’s voice when she answered told me just how scared she still was.
Two little words set her into a downward spiral like no other. When Mike, Brad father, grabbed the phone in a state of panic, I told him the same thing. “He’s awake.” I heard a lot of crying in the background, and I think I heard Brad’s mom start to pray.
“When?” Mike was on the line again, more composed this time.
I took a deep breath and held it for a second before I started to speak. “He woke up about fifteen minutes ago. The doctors are with him right now.” I paused because I knew that I had to tell him he was asking questions. “He wants to know what happened. The last thing he remembers is talking to me on the phone in his car. That was about ten minutes before the crash.”
“He needs to talk to the police first. If he doesn’t remember by the time he talks to them, then I will tell him what we know.” Mike said. His voice was firm. He knew that this was how things had to be. He said that they would head right to the hospital and that Mike would call the detective on the way in.
I was sitting on Ethan’s lap, cuddled up to his chest, when the doctor came to get me.
“Well, young lady, I’m not sure what kind of miracle you performed, but that boy is very lucky. We were not expecting him to wake up anytime soon, let alone be doing this well,” the doctor said with a smile on his face.
I drew in a deep breath, being reminded of how severe the situation had been. If the doctor was impressed with his condition, then his body must be recovering better than most.
“You can go back and see him now if you like. Are his parents on their way?
“They should be here soon.”
I turned to Ethan as the doctor walked away. I knew that he would want to come in with me, but I didn’t think that I could handle that right now. As if reading my mind, he nodded his head in agreement and motioned with his eyes for me to go.
“I’ll be back in a minute. I want to go get a real shower and lie on a real bed now that I know he’s going to be fine.” I said reassuringly.
“Okay. When his parents get here, why don’t I take you to your dad’s so you can clean up?” Ethan suggested.
“That sounds perfect.” I started to walk away when the reality of the situation hit me. I turned around and found his eyes watching me. When they finally met mine, they were filled with nothing but love. “Thank you. I don’t know why you would want to be here for this, but thank you. It means a lot to me.”
“I will always be here for you, Becca. You’re my world.”
“And you’re mine. I’ll be right back.”
I walked into Brad’s room to find him standing beside his bed holding on for dear life. I rushed over and took a hold of him at the hips. I knew that if he fell I would probably go down with him, but I didn’t really know what else to do.
“What the hell are you doing out of bed?” I screamed, surprised to find him up and moving around.
“They took the catheter out, and I really need to go to the bathroom all of the sudden,” Brad replied, wincing in pain each time he moved. He looked sad because he knew he couldn’t do it alone. “Will you help me to the bathroom?”
“Of course. Hold onto me, and we’ll take it slow, okay?”
Five minutes later, I was sitting him down in the tiny little bathroom and letting myself out. I waited for him to call for me so that I could help him back up. When I faintly heard my name, I was reminded of an hour earlier when I was pulled from sleep by that very sound. I pushed back the tears as I opened the door and helped him up.
Once we made it back to the bed, I told him that his parents were on their way. I also told him that Ethan was in the waiting room. I expected his face to show some sort of discomfort, but it didn’t. His smile widened, and he wrapped his hands around mine.
“I’m so happy for you. I knew that I was leaving you in good hands.” Brad said.
His words brought tears to my eyes again, and I was surprised that I still had any left after how many I had shed the last few days.
“I am in good hands,” I replied firmly. I was smiling now too as the tears made their way to my chin, and one dropped on our hands that were still locked together, holding on as if we feared something would tear us apart again. “We’re going to head to my dad’s so that I can change and shower, but then we’ll be back.”
“You sound like you need a nap too. Why don’t you rest and eat something—I know you haven’t—then come back if you want. I’m probably not going to be released for at least another couple of days depending on how I feel. The doctor wants to observe me.”
“I can go without a nap. Do you want me to bring you something to eat?”
He stared at me with his “I know you better than that” look and waited for me to tell him the truth. I was not going to back down this time.
“The nurses told me that you’ve been here almost as long as I have and that you refused to leave my side. I want you to get something to eat and don’t come back until you do.” His voice was stern, but you could hear the concern as well. He sounded like his father had on the phone when we were talking about keeping the details of the accident from him. “If you think you can stay awake, fine, but I still think you should take a nap too.”
“Fine.” I was grumbling, but I was smiling at the same time. He was still trying to take care of me when he was the one who needed it right now.
“Go. My parents will be here soon, and you need to get out of here. I’ll still be here when you get back. Promise.”
We said our good-byes. I tried not to get emotional but failed miserably. I was sobbing like a baby by the time I reached Ethan in the waiting room. He stood and brought me to his chest in a big hug. We must have stood there for a few minutes because when I heard Mike’s voice behind me, I realized that I was being held up by Ethan. Had I fallen asleep in his arms?
I introduced Ethan to Brad’s parents, and we excused ourselves to leave. Before we could go, Brad’s mom pulled me aside into a tight hug. I thought she was never going to let go until I heard her mumble her thanks in my ear and pulled back with tears in her eyes. I watched them walk toward Brad’s room hand in hand and realized what a sense of relief they must feel right now. What I was feeling was nothing compared to what they must be feeling, knowing that they had not lost their child after all.
I helped Ethan navigate to my dad’s house. Giving him directions was about the only thing keeping me awake at that point. We passed the road to Brad’s, and I shed a tear. We passed the high school, and I shed another. When we drove right past my dad’s house, I regained my composure and turned us around.
One hot shower later and I was ready for a nap. When I walked downstairs, I found my dad and Ethan in the kitchen cooking me breakfast, even though it was well past lunch time. They forced m
e to eat everything on my plate, and then Ethan carried me up to my room, dropped me on my bed, and tucked me in. He promised to wake me up in a few hours so that we could go back up to the hospital. I closed my eyes and was asleep before I heard the door close.
ChapterTwenty-Three
I awoke with a start. Visions of Brad’s totaled car running through my mind. The television had shown the aftermath of the accident. I couldn’t seem to get rid of that visual. I was extremely grateful that he was alive and healing, but I was still scared that I was going to lose him. I heard the door open, and Ethan walked in. It was dark outside, and I had slept longer than I had intended to. He had promised to wake me up. Why hadn’t he?
“Are you okay?” Ethan asked. His voice was barely above a whisper as he sat down on the bed next to me.
“Yeah. Fine. Let me change, and we can go back up to the hospital,” I said. I was talking faster than normal and I could still feel the rapids beat of my heart.
“Becca, it’s two in the morning. Why don’t you go back to sleep, and we’ll head up there first thing tomorrow?”
“What?” I was wide awake now and screaming. “Why did you let me sleep that long? You promised to wake me up!”
“I tried, gorgeous.” He was still whispering and being that it was 2:00 a.m. I realized why now. “I had to check for a pulse to make sure you were still alive. You wouldn’t wake up, so we decided to let you sleep and face the consequences later.” He was giving me the look that says he was facing those consequences right now.
I pulled back the covers and scooted over. The look he was giving me said that he was uncomfortable with this, but he crawled in anyway. I cuddled up to his chest and felt his hand rubbing up and down my back, staying as far away from the bottom hem of my shirt as possible. One touch of bare skin and we were both goners.
I woke up in Ethan’s arms, and a small smile crept across my face. He was already awake and was staring deep into my eyes. I felt completely refreshed, and I was ready to go back to the hospital until Ethan leaned down and kissed me. Now all I wanted to do was rip his clothes off and stay in bed all day.