“What was so important that you just left me?”
I sigh. I’m not sure how to explain Betty and the day that changed my life.
“I told you, I needed something different.”
“It wasn’t me?”
“No.” I shake my head to emphasis my point. “It wasn’t you. It was never you. I hate myself for not taking you with me. I should’ve, but I didn’t think you’d go and I didn’t want you to tell me no.”
“So, you just break my heart and leave me to raise a baby by myself?”
“God damn it, Jojo. If I knew about the baby I would’ve stayed and figured something out. I would’ve married you and gone back to school.”
“But you wouldn’t have been happy?”
I can’t answer her and she knows that. My silence is enough.
Josie takes a deep breath and nods. “So you went to California and became this big-time musician. You know what the funny thing is? I didn’t think you liked the guitar that much. I know you would play while singing to me, but I thought you were always kidding. That sort of makes me a shitty girlfriend.”
“You didn’t think I was good?”
She shakes her head. “No, it’s not that. I just thought it was a joke to you, something you did to irritate your dad.”
“I always played. It made me calm and helped me express what I was feeling. When I went off to college, I played more and more. I went to an open mic night on campus and played. I loved it, loved every damn second of it and I tried to tell you, but you weren’t listening. You just wanted to talk about football and your classes and how Mason and Katelyn were doing. You wouldn’t listen to me when I tried to tell you my head was going to explode and that I woke up each night with my heart racing because I was so freaking lonely and hated school. My three best friends were at a different school and I was states away with no one.”
Josie leans against the counter, watching me. It’s the first time that she’s actually looked at me and not had a scowl on her face. Her tear-streaked face is beautiful. I want to wipe away her tears. I want to take the last ten years and erase them.
I want to start over.
“Look I just came here to discuss Noah, but we got a little off track and I hate to see you cry.”
“You do?” she looks up as if this is some joke for me.
I can’t help but smile at how innocent she looks. “Just because I left that night doesn’t mean things changed for me.”
Surprise rolls over her face. She stares at me, probably wondering if I’m telling the truth. I am, but that is as close as I’m going to get to admitting it.
“I have a gig down at Ralph’s, so I better get going. I’ll see ya later, Jojo.” I hesitate before turning away. I’d give anything to feel her arms around me, to hear her tell me to kick ass just one more time. To have her lips touch mine, even if it’s only for a moment. It would be enough to last me another ten years.
The parking lot is full when I arrive at Ralph’s. We ran into each other the night at the store and he asked me to do him a favor. I couldn’t really say no since he used buy our beer for us. Besides, what’s a little pub time gig amongst friends?
With my guitar strapped on my back, I throw open the door. The crowd is small and perfect. Ralph sees me and comes around the bar to encase me in his large arms.
“Thank you so much, Liam.” He pats me on the back. His grin is thanks enough.
“Anything for you, but uh, didn’t you advertise?”
“Yeah, I did,” he says scratching his head. “But everyone thought I was jerking their chains.”
I start laughing. That’s the funniest shit I’ve heard in a long time. “It’s good. We’ll have a good time.”
I follow Ralph to the bar and enjoy a few legal beers with him for the first time ever. People mill around, ignoring me and I like it. A few stop by and say hi, but they’re talking to Liam Westbury, not Page.
Ralph tells me that he found himself a missus and that he’s all domesticated now. I find that hard to believe but congratulate him. He invites me over for dinner and it hits me that my time here is almost over. I tell him maybe some other time because I’ve got to head back on Monday. His face is pensive, but he tells me he understands with me being a big time musician and all.
I wish I understood.
I finally take to the small stage. Me, my guitar, a stool and a bottle of Bud. There aren’t lights shining in my face. No screaming girls throwing their underwear at me. My band is not behind me complaining about the sound and when I look off to the left of the stage there is no one standing waiting for me to put on the perfect show.
It’s just me, in a pub with a hundred people or so.
Ralph dims the lights and I see a few cameras come out. The flash blinds me, but I’m used to it.
“So, I’m Liam Page.” The crowd was quiet until I spoke. A few of the patrons cat call, others whistle and this reminds me why I get up on stage night after night. I love this feeling. I love the moment when my finger strums my guitar for the first chord on a song that I wrote and the crowd goes wild. I love looking out and seeing people sing my songs as if they were their own.
As I play, people pair off and dance. This is the first time in years that I’ve done a solo set in a pub and I remember why I like it so much. The fans are involved; they’re part of the show. The longer my set, the more show up. Ralph is doing a great business tonight and is keeping me supplied with a steady amount of beer even though he’s taking away half-empty bottles.
Someone yells that she loves me; I say ‘thanks’. Never will I or have I told fans that I love them, even with something as innocent as this. I’ve only loved one person in my life and those words are saved for my girl and now my son.
Sitting up here I realize I want to be a dad to Noah. I want him to see me like this and know there’s more to life than just football. He can be an artist, a musician or even live under a bridge and I’d still support his decision, if he’ll let me.
When I look up, Ralph is hugging someone and standing next to them is the red head I saw Josie with at her shop the other day. When Ralph moves back, it’s Josie that he’s hugging. She stays in the back, I can barely make her out in the darkness, but I can feel her. She lives in my skin.
“This song, I just wrote it so you guys are the first ones to hear it. I apologize if it’s a little rough.”
I look out, hoping she’ll show her face to me. I sing the first verse in her direction, my eyes trained on the last location that I saw her. My second verse rips through me, opening so many wounds.
“Arms of a stranger, a warm blooded kiss, trying to fill the void, of the one that I miss.
Perfume whispers, lashes and lace, but I can only hear your voice, I’m so out of place.
All these painkillers, that’s all they are.
Painkillers.”
I finish the last riff, unable to look at the back of the room to see if she’s still standing there. This song was for her, a way for me to tell her without having to say the words what I am without her.
I went to see Liam sing at the pub two nights ago. Two nights, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him. Listening to him sing, even if the words were telling me about his life, made me want to rush the stage and pull him tight in my arms, but the song wasn’t for me. He was performing for his fans, giving them the Liam Page that they love. On that stage, that wasn’t my Liam. He was someone I don’t know.
I did the unthinkable after seeing him play; I downloaded his albums and listened to them straight through. Some songs made my cry, some made me laugh, a few of them made me so angry. Listening to him sing about lost love, the love that he threw away like it meant nothing. He had no right telling the world about us. It’s like he was telling me he’s sorry without having to look me in the face.
I’ll see him today and I don’t know what to say or how to act. Do I pretend that I wasn’t at his show on Friday, act like I don’t care or will he know? Did Ralph t
ell him? I’m confident that he didn’t see me since I stayed in the back with Jenna. We listened to two songs before I had had enough and needed to leave.
I couldn’t watch him up there. I couldn’t pretend that he didn’t affect me. And worst of all, Jenna knew. She looked at me with such sad eyes and held my hand as we walked out of the pub. She didn’t ask, all she said was Noah’s name and I broke down.
I miss Liam and I don’t want to. I’m with Nick. He loves me. We’re going to get married and maybe have a baby together. That’s the plan. We live together, even though I never asked him to move in. He sort of stopped staying at his own place. We didn’t discuss it. I was afraid if I said something he’d leave me like Liam did.
So why is my heart telling me to give Liam a chance?
I rest my head on the window as we drive to Katelyn’s. She asked that we all come over and treat this Sunday the same as we always have. Last week we didn’t watch football, we mourned. Honestly I’m in no mood to celebrate with stupid touchdown dances and cocktail weenies.
Nick drives with one hand and slips his other into mine, his thumb caressing mine. For a fleeting moment I remember what it was like when Liam held my hand.
Yesterday, Liam Westbury, asked me to Homecoming. He said he’d call me last night, but he didn’t. I’m prepared for him to tell me he’s joking or that he decided to go with Candy Appleton because she’ll put out. I mean that’s what boys want, right? They’re looking for something easy so they can say they did it.
Well, I’m not going to do it with Liam Westbury so if that’s why he asked me, he’s got another thing coming.
I take deep, calming breaths. I’m going to be late for homeroom but I don’t care. Liam is in there and I don’t really want to see him right now. My mom was right; a boy like Liam Westbury wants nothing to do with a girl like me. I’m from the wrong side of Beaumont.
I slam my locker shut and turn, smashing right into a wall of body. I step back and look up. Liam’s peering down at me, his eyes full of life. He pulls my hand into his and leads us to the double doors. I’m no longer going to be late. I’m officially skipping my first class so Liam can break my heart. At least I technically only had half a day to get used to the idea of dancing with him.
Liam pushes the heavy metal doors open, his grip on my hand tightening. He takes us to the football field. Oh god, he wants to make out under the bleachers. Do I want this? If I don’t, maybe he’ll tell me he can’t go to the dance with me. I wish I had talked to Katelyn about this before she ran off with Mason. I know they are close to doing it. She talks about it all the time, but I don’t think I want to do it just yet.
We bypass the football field and head toward the baseball field. He wants to do it in the dugout. I guess that’s better than behind the bleachers because at least there’s a bench I can lay on.
He pulls us around the back of the dugout, away from view of the school. I know what he wants now. I look down and wonder if I’ll get grass stains on my knees.
His free hand cups my face and I guess I should be happy he wants to at least kiss me first, or maybe this is some type of tongue test. Oh, how I wish I could call Katelyn right now.
“Why are you hiding?”
I shake my head, pushing my face into his hand more. He’s still holding my other hand, probably trying to prevent me from leaving.
“You’re too beautiful to hide, Josie.”
“I’m not ready,” I blurt out. I cover my mouth as my eyes go wide. He’s confused by my outburst and shakes his head.
“I just want to talk,” he says. “I’m sorry for not calling last night, my father was on my case and by the time he was done and I finished my homework it was after nine and I didn’t want to disturb your parents if they were sleeping.”
I think I’m in love.
“If I knew all I had to do was hold your hand to make you smile, I would’ve done this yesterday.” I didn’t mean to smile but thinking about how awkward I was with Liam, I can’t help it. He was so understanding and caring.
I sit up straight and give Nick my best reassuring smile. I’m not going to be able to blame my mood on Mason for much longer. Sooner or later he’s going to start asking questions.
Questions that lead to answers that I’m not ready to hear or accept.
When we pull into Katelyn’s driveway, Liam’s motorcycle sits in the carport. I close my eyes and wonder what it would be like to get on the back, to lean forward and press my chest against him and wrap my arms around his waist.
A knock on the window startles me. “You comin’ in?” Nick asks before I can open the door. When I step out, he pulls my hand into his. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I say as I lead us into the house.
I’m not prepared for what I find inside. Noah runs past me, my son who hasn’t spoken to me since Friday, right up to Liam and shows him his Sports Illustrated. The sight of Liam sitting there on the couch, dressed in a football jersey with Peyton next him, and my son standing there eager to show him something in a magazine is nothing compared to Liam leaning forward and forgetting about the game just so he can talk to Noah.
I run off to the bathroom before Nick can see my tears. I’m not being fair to him. Never have I complained about Liam not being in Noah’s life and now that he’s here, I want it. I want to see Noah happy and be able to say he has a dad, but I also know Nick wants that title. He might deserve the role, but maybe I owe Liam the opportunity to let Noah make that choice.
When I come back to the living room, the scene is comical. Liam has all the kids around him and Nick is sitting by himself. I try not to laugh as I take a seat next to Nick. Liam watches me out of the corner of his eye and smirks when Nick puts his arm around me. He full out smiles when he sees Nick pulling me close and I know Nick is wondering why I’m rigid and didn’t just fall into the crook of his arm.
“Well, I hate to break up this party, but I promised Miss Peyton we’d watch at least one game downstairs,” Liam says causing Peyton to jump and Noah’s face to fall. Liam leans over and whispers something into Noah’s ear and he smiles.
Seeing Noah’s face light-up, I realize that I need to put my anger aside and do what’s right for my son and give Liam a chance. My decision will hurt Nick, but it’s something that I need to do for Noah.
Peyton and I watch an action-packed game that goes into overtime. I still can’t get over the fact she knows the calls better than half of the officials. She has me cracking up; she’s extremely vocal and holds her position well.
“Are you going to play football?” I ask her, curious whether this is something she and Mason discussed.
“Well, I’m not going to be a cheerleader like my mama was.”
Her response effectively shuts my mouth. Mason loved having Katelyn on the sidelines for his games and I admit it was sweet pleasure having my girl cheer for me. The best part was the away games. The cheerleaders would ride back with us. Josie and I always sat in back where it was darkest. My lips never left a part of her body until we pulled into the school parking lot.
Elle comes down, dressed the exact opposite of her sister. These girls are a spitting image of their parents.
“Mommy says it’s time for lunch.” She turns and runs up the stairs, not waiting for an answer.
“What do you think? Should we head up for some grub?”
Peyton climbs onto my back. I hoist her up and run around their basement like a crazed man just so I can listen to her laugh.
“Can we do this again next Sunday?”
I stop running and pull her around to rest on my hip. “I gotta head back to work, but maybe we can watch the game together on the computer.”
“I don’t have a computer.” I’m not going to let that stop me. I kiss her cheek and tell her not to worry about it.
When we get upstairs, everyone has congregated in the living room for lunch. Katelyn made just about every football food known to man. Peyton and I fix our plates and join every
one for the next game.
Noah’s sitting on the floor so I sit down next to him. I notice that he smiles, but I’m not going to call attention to it. I told him after I watched the game with Peyton we’d go out back and work on his pass route timing. I’d like to find a way to prolong my day with him, but I know Josie isn’t going to let me. I still need to sit down and talk to her about Noah and some type of visitation. Maybe we start with phone calls every few nights and I can come back to see him every month.
More importantly we need to tell him that I’m his dad, whether Josie wants to or not. I can imagine he’s going to be hurt and probably hate my guts, but I’ll do whatever I can to make it up to him. Not being a part of his life is not an option for me.
Noah’s plate is empty, so I take mine and his into the kitchen to throw them away. Josie comes in behind me, her perfume weaving its way into my senses. I hate that she can smell so fucking good at Sunday football and I can’t touch her.
“Hey,” she says, shocking me. I thought for sure we were playing the avoidance game.
“Hi,” I reply, barely looking at her. I pretend to clean, the ultimate chick move in avoiding an awkward conversation.
She just stares at me, her hands pulling desperately at her belt loops. I can’t stand here and look at her so I call for Noah and ask if he’s ready to go outside. He runs up to me, football in hand and races me to the door. I take one last look at her, her head down, teeth pushing a deep dent in her bottom lip, before heading outside.
I teach Noah everything I know. I’m surprised I even remember half of this shit, but it all comes back to me with each question he asks. I realize how lucky Nick is, living the life that should’ve been mine. He’s got my girl and my boy and there isn’t jack shit I can do about it except watch from the sidelines.
“Can you come to my game on Friday?” Noah asks with such hope in his voice. Just looking at him tears my heart into pieces.
“Let’s go sit down,” I say as I set my hand on his shoulder and bring him over to the picnic bench. “You know that I live in Los Angeles, right?” Noah nods. “Well I have to go back to work, I have deadlines and people are depending on me. I was supposed to just be here for the funeral and leave the next day, but then I met you and I really like hanging out with you and Peyton asked me to watch football so I stayed. I tell myself I’m leaving tomorrow and I need to do something first, but then I gotta head back to my cat, ya know, because he misses me.”
Liam's Journey Page 33