Blame It On The Shame Part 2

by Ashley Jade

  Jackson announces that he's going to stay...until he hears Alyssa ask me for a ride and he changes his mind on a dime.

  He's not the only one who appears to have a problem with me giving Alyssa a ride because Ricardo gives me a look that can cut glass.

  Only this time, I don't shrink down like he wants me to, I meet his stare full on before marching out of the waiting room with Alyssa in toe.

  It's mind boggling that he's even upset about me giving her a ride in the first place—considering a few months ago he was tearing me a new one for being mean to her.

  Everything comes rushing back in one big wave and I wish he'd get out of the near vicinity because the more I feel his presence surrounding me...the more I feel like I'm about ready to lose my shit in a way I never have before.

  If I thought I felt anger after Tyrone got stabbed...it's nothing compared to the tsunami of poisonous rage consuming me now.

  Yes, I love him. That's never going to go away. But I also fucking hate the shit out of him.

  "You need a ride back to your apartment, right?" I confirm as we walk out of the elevator and make our way toward the parking garage.

  Fortunately, Ricardo and Jackson were smart enough to go out a different way.

  "Yeah, if you wouldn't mind. I'd really appreciate it," she says.

  "No problem."

  I freeze when I hear footsteps behind us and I know exactly who they belong to. And so does Alyssa because we exchange a glance, both of us wondering the same exact thing.

  Why the fuck are they still following us?

  I glance over my shoulder just as Ricardo tosses his keys to Jackson.

  "Don't wreck my baby," he warns.

  Oh, hell no.

  "I won't. I appreciate the favor."

  "You owe me," he says before he begins walking closer to me at the same time Jackson walks closer to Alyssa.

  "Oh, shit," I whisper as I prepare myself.

  "What?" Alyssa questions.

  I give her the best piece of advice I've got. "Alyssa, I suggest that if you don't want to be manhandled by Jackson—you start running, now."

  She takes off like a bolt of lightning with is rather ironic because it's exactly what I see across the sky before I start running myself.

  Out of the corner of my eye I see Jackson snatch Alyssa up off the ground.

  My heart goes out to her, but I've got my own problems to worry about.

  Fortunately for me, I know the biggest advantage I have and I'm not afraid to use it.

  I start dipping between cars and spaces that are near impossible to fit through, especially for someone as massive as Ricardo.

  There's no point for me to attempt to outrun him when I'm still in his line of vision because he'd catch up to me in a heartbeat.

  My best bet is to keep maneuvering between these tight spaces until I can make it to my car...then I can burn rubber and leave him to choke on my dust.

  I can hear his footsteps behind me and I turn and sneak behind a pillar. I bite back a smile when he walks right past me.

  When he's far enough ahead of me, I turn back around because my cars in the opposite direction. That's when I start running.

  I'm almost to my car and I can taste victory when an arm wraps around my waist and hoists me high into the air. "Give me your fucking keys," he says in a dark tone that sends chills up my spine.

  When I don't comply, he actually flips me until I'm upside down and gives me a shake.

  I attempt to kick him in the face as I hear the sound of my loose change hitting the ground. "You're worse than a freaking bully on the playground."

  "I'm worse than a lot of things," is his gruff response.

  I say a silent prayer that my keys stay in the back pocket of my jeans when he shakes me once more, treating me like I'm a rag doll. I feel the blood begin to rush to my head when I realize the unique predicament I'm in.

  Forget trying to kick his face, my head is right by his crotch.

  The second my keys fall out of my back pocket is the second I ram my head back with as much force as I can before plunging forward.

  "Dammit!" he screams. "You just headbutt my fucking dick."

  "Goddamn right I did," I say as he grunts in pain and I feel him start to drop me.

  On second thought, this was a terrible idea.

  My head's about to hit the concrete when I feel his hand grip the back of my jeans and yank me back.

  He bends down and snatches my keys off the ground. I struggle out of his hold as he continues hanging me in the air by my pants like I'm some kind of cat toy.

  I dig my nails into his thigh as he walks over to the passenger side of my car before tossing me inside.

  He kneels down beside me and stares at me for a beat before he says, "Here's the deal—don't talk to me, don't look at me, and don't attempt to do anything stupid while I'm driving. Got it?"

  I raise my middle finger in response and he slams the car door.

  The sooner he drives us back to the apartment complex the better.

  He sticks the key in the ignition and floors it, muttering something about Ferrari's being stupid under his breath.

  I'm about to tell him to shut up and keep driving but then, 'I'll Stand by You," comes on the radio.

  We both reach for the radio at the same time and pause. We lock eyes and a rush of heat runs through me, bringing along beautiful memories between us that my heart refuses to let me forget.

  "How did we end up here?" I choke out, not realizing I've said the words out loud until it's already too late.

  He swallows hard and shuts the radio off. His hand grazes mine and lingers, his skin sending little bolts of electricity throughout me. Then he pulls his hand back, almost like the contact burned him.

  He steps on the gas until he's flying into the parking lot across the street from the apartment complex.

  When he shuts the car off his jaw locks and he grips the steering wheel.

  His adam’s apple bobs and his stare penetrates me."You know damn well how we ended up here, Lou-Lou."

  Even though his tone is laced with malice, his eyes are full of hurt and betrayal.

  "I—" I start, even though I have no idea what I'm going to say. Because there's nothing I can say. At least, not right now.

  "Don't you dare," he says. "Don't you fucking sit there and try to say some shit to make me feel bad for you. Because I'm telling you right now...it's not going to work this time."

  I feel as though I've been slapped in the face. "Is that what you think I did? You think I confided in you back then to make you feel bad for me?"

  For a moment he almost looks like he wants to take it back but that only makes me even angrier. "You think I told you things about myself and exposed all the ugly parts in order to get your pity? To get one over on you?"

  His turns in his seat to face me. "I don't know. Did you? Because it fucking worked."

  "Fuck you," I shout. "I hate you."

  He slams the steering wheel. "I know you do!" he roars. "You made that pretty fucking clear the moment you smashed my heart into a thousand fucking pieces and married him!" His face twists in pain as he continues, "You fucking married him and you—" He clenches his fist. "Agreed to go along with a plan to kill me."

  He slams the steering wheel again. "So if you really want to know how we ended up here...look in the fucking mirror."

  He leans back in his seat and rubs his face. "I have been wracking my fucking brain trying to figure out what I did to you...why my love wasn't enough for you."

  He bows his head and I feel what's left of my heart fold in on itself. "I thought I could mend you, show you what it was like to be loved the right way...but I couldn't," he says, his voice barely above a whisper. "But, God...I wanted to."

  His words cut me open and I want to tell him that his love was the best thing that ever happened to me...but his expression turns tense and his body goes rigid before he says, "But none of that matters anymore. The only thing that matte
rs right now is that someone I consider my brother is lying in a hospital bed."

  He leans in close to my face. "And If I find out you had anything to do with what happened to Tyrone tonight—or if you knew something was going down and you didn't tell me—"

  A tsunami of guilt barrels into me right before I blurt out, "I think it was my fault."

  He grabs both my wrists so tight I hiss. "What?" he roars so loud I'm surprised my ears don't start bleeding. "What the fuck did you do?"

  "I—" I gulp back tears. "He came over to my apartment the other day. And um—I ended up falling asleep for a short while and my phone rang."

  He lets go of my wrists. "And? Spit it out, Lou-Lou!"

  "DeLuca called multiple times and Tyrone ended up seeing a text from him where he called me his wife."

  "Shit," he mutters.

  "Yeah...he obviously got spooked and started freaking out. And I—"

  "You what?" he grits through his teeth.

  "I kind of ended up spilling the beans about DeLuca sending me here to purposely seduce you all. But I also told him that you protected him...without revealing your identity to him. And before he left, I swore to him that he was off DeLuca's radar now and he was safe," I finish without stopping for air.

  "You fucking bitch," he screams and I gape at him. "Were you trying to purposely screw with his head by telling him that he was once on DeLuca's radar in the first place?"

  He punches the window and it spiderwebs. "You were setting him up to get killed! Weren't you?"

  I shake my head. "What? No—"

  "Just like you set me up ," he continues as I sit there appalled.

  "Look I care about Tyrone," I interject.

  "Just like you care about me?"

  "Yes," I admit. "I—"

  He laughs so low and deadly it gives me goosebumps. "Jesus Christ, you're a warped fucking mess," he says cutting me off. "I hope you never end up becoming a mother because knowing you...you'll set your own kid up to get killed one day."

  My heart stops, everything freezes, and I feel the pressure start to rise...right before something deep within me cracks.

  Chapter 41 (Ricardo)

  A sound so gut-wrenching, so guttural, and so utterly heartbreaking escapes from her mouth. The sound is so deafening, I can feel it down to my vital organs, vibrating through me.

  I open my mouth to tell her that the last few things I said were strictly out of anger and despite their last conversation she wasn't the cause of Tyrone's stabbing, because I am...but I can't because she opens the car door and takes off running.

  I chase after her, assuming she's heading for the apartment but I'm wrong.

  The pavement is slick due to the rain now coming down in buckets but she continues sprinting down the block like a bat out of hell. She's running so fast it's almost hard for me to keep up with her.

  She makes a sharp turn at the end of the block, heading for the church on the corner. A sick feeling washes over me when I catch up to her.

  "It's locked," she says while banging her forehead against the wooden door. "It's never locked."

  I take a step forward, intending to tell her it's not the end of the world and I'm sure it will be open tomorrow, but she collapses against the door in a fit of violent sobs.

  "I'm sorry." She sobs so hard she stops breathing. "I'm so sorry, Thumper."

  I don't know who Thumper is or why she's hysterically apologizing, but I need to find out.

  I reach for her arm and gently turn her around as I kneel down in front of her. My chest clenches as I take in her tear stained face and the way she's trembling. "Lou-Lou," I whisper, feeling like the fog I've been seeing her through for the last few months has been lifted. I cradle her face in my hands, desperate to know what's going on. "Give me a truth."

  She falls back against the door and her sobs get louder.

  I know that whatever she's about to say is going to rip my foundation out from under me and nothing will ever be the same.

  However, nothing could have ever prepared me for what happens next.

  She curls her arms around herself and screams, "I want my baby."

  I have to put my shock on the back burner because she's shaking so hard, for a moment, I think she's having a seizure. I gather her in my arms and cradle her to my chest.

  "Is that who Thumper is?" I ask softly while rocking her in my arms like I used to when she was upset.

  "Was," she chokes out and my stomach twists into the most painful knot. "I didn't protect my baby like I should have. It's all my fault."

  I feel her entire body tense and she shoots me such a vile look before she bites out, "Because I chose you."

  My head pounds, my vision blurs, and I have to look down because the impact of her statement hurts so much I'm positive I must have a physical wound from it.

  "You were pregnant?" I question, my voice shaking. "Our baby is g—"

  I pause as Tyrone's words echo in my head. He was right...she's been grieving all these months.

  She's been grieving something that no woman should ever have to go through because the loss is so profound.

  I hold her tighter to me. "It's not your fault, Lou-Lou."

  She shakes her head profusely and rolls out of my arms. "DeLuca found out I was pregnant and when he confronted me I said it was Luke's," she rasps between sobs. "So you see? It's all my fault because I chose you instead of my baby."

  I'm torn in two because I want to continue consoling her as she's falling apart...but I also want to—no need to—get my ass on the next plane to Italy so I can murder him in cold blood.

  I reach for her but she swats me away. "I hate you," she wails. "If I didn't love you...if I didn't choose you...then my baby would be safe."

  I close my eyes as a rush of emotions hit me. "It's all my fault," she finishes. Her voice is so hoarse I can barely even hear her.

  I take off my sweatshirt and put it on her before I lift her into my arms and start walking back to the apartment.

  All while she continues crying her heart out as the rain pours down on us both.

  For months I've done nothing but blame, accuse, and threaten her.

  All while she's been suffering in silence...just like she's been forced to do for most of her life.

  All while she continued to protect me...in order to save my life.

  All while she was ripping my heart out...just to show me how black it was.

  When we reach the complex I head straight for my apartment. As soon as I'm in I grab a few towels and walk into my bedroom.

  She's still shaking and crying and it's breaking my fucking heart all over again.

  I put her down and begin drying her off. We're both soaking wet but I couldn't give a fuck about me right now.

  I have a million questions for her—questions like, 'why didn't she tell me she was pregnant with our baby?' but she's not in the state to give me answers at the moment.

  I bring the towel over her arm and the glint from her wedding ring catches my eye. On impulse, I reach for her finger to take it off.

  She's never going near him again...I'll make sure of it.

  She looks down at me with those glassy doe eyes so full of heartache and despair and my insides shred.

  I did that. I'm the reason for that soul-crushing, haunting look behind those big brown eyes now.

  I was supposed to save her, fix her, and protect her. But I didn't. Instead, I let DeLuca ruin her.

  I feel the simmering rage inside me begin to rise. I drop the towel on the floor and stand up. There's only one thing on my mind right now. Wiping DeLuca's face off the planet for once and all.

  I don't give a fuck about the council or the repercussions. All I want— is to see him fighting for his last breath while I continue torturing the living shit out of him—doing things that nightmares are made of and making him beg for mercy.

  I want him to pay for every single fucking thing he ever did to me...to her.

  I make my way over to my clos
et, grab a bag, and start filling it with various weapons.

  I don't have a game plan, other than making him suffer before I kill him, but I don't need one.

  Lou-Lou stares at me wide-eyed. "W-what are you doing?"

  I drop my shoulders and look down, every time I look at her, all I feel is shame. "I'll be back in a couple of days. Don't leave this apartment. I'll have Jackson check on you in a few hours."

  She walks over to the door, purposely blocking it. "No."

  "Lou-Lou—" I start to say until her loud sobs cut me off. "I hate you, but I can't lose you."

  Her words make my chest ache for multiple reasons. I sling the bag over my shoulder and walk over to where she's standing. "This ends tonight." He ends tonight.

  "You can't, Ricardo."

  "Give me one good reason."

  I barely have time to catch her when she jumps into my arms. "Because I need you." She slides down my body, wraps her arms around my waist, and buries her head in my chest. "Don't leave me tonight."

  Every muscle in my body strains, not only because I feel myself cave, but because I missed her touch more than I ever thought I would.

  No one touches me like she does...no one ever will.

  I don't protest when she takes my hand and leads me to the bed before she sits down.

  When I drop down beside her she throws her arms around my neck and sinks against me. "I need you." Her voice catches as her sobs pick up again. "I need you to make it all go away, even if it's only for a little while. Please, just take it all away."

  Her breath hitches when I cup her jaw and lean down. I study every feature of her perfect face, even though I've never forgotten a single detail of it.

  I brush her tears away, but fresh ones fall. Each and every one of them burn me, but I deserve it. "I hate you," she says as she lifts my shirt and I raise my arms for her.

  She stands up and begins removing her clothes. "I chose you."

  I follow suit but make no move to take it further until she does.

  I'll do anything to take away her pain and give her what she needs.

  And what she needs right now is to hate me...she needs to blame me for what happened. And I have to let her.