He didn’t have drinks with clients, of course. No, like a loser he went to a sports bar alone and sat there watching a baseball game while he nursed a beer. His mood got darker and darker, and he caught the bartender’s eye.
“Shot of JD, please.” Without a word, the bartender poured the shot. Len downed it. “Another.”
Now the man glanced at him with that patented “sympathetic bartender” look. “Bad day, bud?”
“You could say that.” He pounded the second shot and reached for his beer to chase it down. While the guy probably would be sympathetic—it was practically in his job description—Len wasn’t about to go telling some stranger he hadn’t been able to perform. And maybe it was a one-time deal. He’d been telling himself that very thing all day, but his stupid brain kept arguing it wasn’t.
The other man nodded and gestured with the bottle in his hand. “Want another one?”
“Nah, I’m good for now.”
“Might wanna eat something.”
Len grunted and the man replaced the bottle on the shelf behind the bar before moving away to take care of other customers. Eating would defeat the purpose of slamming two shots in a row. He was in the mood to get a good drunk on and he wasn’t about to let food destroy that.
He had one more beer and two more shots and knew he shouldn’t be driving home. Looking at his watch, he saw it was almost eleven. Too late to call Cissy to come pick him up.
“Hey, man,” he addressed the bartender with the universal greeting for dudes he didn’t know, “could you call me a cab?”
“Sure thing.” The guy made the call and then cashed Len out. “Cab’ll be here in a few minutes.”
“Thanks.”
“Sorry you had a bad day. That sucks. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.” Len snorted and the bartender gave him a small smile. “Well, if not, I’ll be here then too.”
The cabbie honked his horn outside and Len sent the bartender a brief salute as he left. On his way home, he debated what to say to Cissy. He could hardly tell her the truth he wasn’t even willing to admit to himself.
By the time the cab pulled into his driveway, Len was no closer to figuring out a good way to approach his wife. When Cissy opened the door before he even reached the porch, a strange look playing across her features, he stumbled and she darted out to grab him.
“You took a cab home?”
“Yeah.”
She studied his face and Len resisted the urge to squirm. “How much did you guys have to drink?”
Len jerked away from her. “Does it matter? I was a good boy. I didn’t drive.”
“What’s going on? Are you angry about something?”
He’d made it halfway across the room and was about to mount the stairs, but he pivoted, grabbing the railing for support. “I don’t have to explain myself to you. I’m the man of this house and I can do what I want.” Len knew he sounded like a petulant child, but between the alcohol and his general state of mind, he wasn’t in the mood to be quizzed.
“Where is this coming from?”
“You wanna control me.” When Cissy’s face went blank he plowed on. “Yeah, I found those websites you’ve been looking at. Giving me all those sexual favors is your way of controlling me, your way of getting me to do what you want. Well, fuck that. I’m the man, not you.”
“Oh you’re the man all right,” she answered with deadly calm. An alarm went off in the back of his head but he was too fuzzy to pay it much heed. “You’re the man, and you do what you want. That’s true enough. But there are two of us here, Len. Two of us in this marriage, and I’m tired of being the one who’s expected to not only work full-time but also to do most of the housework, the grocery shopping and the laundry. I’m not your maid, I’m your wife, and it’s time I got the respect I deserve. So yeah, I was trying to reward you for doing stuff for me in order to encourage you. How is that a bad thing? We both get something we want.”
“I don’t want to be controlled!”
Her voice remained quiet, but the color was high in her cheeks. “I’ve tried a million times to ask you to do more around the house, to cajole you, even to nag you. None of it worked, so I took more drastic measures. And it’s not just about the housework. That’s what I started with because it seemed like the easiest thing to fix.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
She gestured toward him. “This. I’m talking about this. The swearing. The disrespect. Did you ever notice that when we have sex—on your timeframe, I might add, not mine—I hardly ever come? I give you a blowjob almost every time, but you almost never go down on me. Then when you get ready to go, you rut on me like a bull on a cow. Have you even noticed I haven’t had an orgasm during sex in years?”
Len was stunned into silence even as his mouth hung open.
Cissy wasn’t done. Her tone turned vicious and he felt about two inches tall. “The look on your face tells me everything I need to know. So yes, I tried to control you. I did it to save our marriage. I can’t go on like this. I feel like I’m down around number five or six on your priority list.” Her hand slashed the air when he tried to speak. “I thought maybe if we started with something that was easily fixable we could move on to the harder stuff. But right now I’m tired and I’m going to bed. I have to work tomorrow. If you think you’re going to puke you’d better get a pan to put by the bed.”
She rushed past him and up the stairs before he could unlock his jaw. Was it really as bad as Cissy said? Was their marriage in trouble? He’d always taken it for granted Cissy would be with him forever. She was one of the only women he’d ever dated, and the only one he’d ever wanted to stay with.
Len actually smacked himself upside the head. Then, as the realization of exactly how much he’d had to drink dawned on him, he swayed. Yeah, he’d taken her for granted, all right. What had he been thinking? Through his own fucking stupidity he was throwing away the best thing that had ever happened to him. He guessed he’d figured she’d always be there, no matter what.
He followed Cissy up the stairs slowly, his tread heavy. Len was exhausted, but surprisingly sober. Hearing Cissy go off on him had shaken off the alcohol buzz pretty quickly. She was already in bed, her back turned to him. When he came around the end of the bed and spotted the tears tracking down her face, he sobered even more.
Dropping to his knees, he crooned, “Cissy, baby.” Len gently pushed her hair out of her face. “Don’t cry. I’m an ass. Or, well, a jerk.” She sniffled but didn’t contradict him. “We’ll work this out. Don’t give up on me. Can you take tomorrow off?”
She nodded and he leaned forward to kiss her head. Cissy grabbed the back of his neck and held his lips to hers. “I love you,” she choked out.
“Oh honey, I love you too. And I’m so sorry. We’ll figure this out. I promise.” Pulling the thin coverlet up, he tucked it around her. ”Get some sleep. We’ll call in sick in the morning and then talk as long as we need to, okay?”
“Yeah.”
Satisfied the crisis was at least temporarily averted, Len went into the bathroom, exiting a few moments later and climbing into bed next to his wife. He had to fix this. He had to. Life without Cissy was just too horrible to contemplate.
* * * * *
Cissy lay awake for a long time, listening to Len’s slow, even breathing. No doubt the alcohol was helping him sleep. She had no such luck. Could she believe Len was sorry and wanted to fix things? It felt as if their entire marriage predicated on what happened in the morning.
When that morning came, Cissy gave up on sleep and rose, padding into the bathroom to shower. That task completed, she stepped into the bedroom to get dressed and call in sick to work, expecting to see Len still sound asleep, but the bed was empty. Turning toward the door, she sniffed. Coffee and something else. Was Len making breakfast? The mind boggled.
Throwing on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, Cissy then walked downstairs, not sure what she’d find. She nearly fell over when she took in
Len with an apron over his bare chest and a pair of shorts, turning eggs in a pan. Cissy couldn’t remember the last time he’d made breakfast. Had he ever made breakfast?
“Hey. Did you call in yet?”
“N-no. I’ll go right now.”
“Don’t take too long. I’ve got bacon too and the eggs are almost ready.”
Who are you and what have you done with my husband? And when did you learn how to cook breakfast?
“I’ll hurry.” In a daze she walked out of the kitchen. She couldn’t get over it. Len had made breakfast. Of his own volition.
Maybe he was serious about trying to fix their marriage.
A spark of hope rose within her, but she forced herself to tamp it down. Unless and until Len proved to her he was serious, that this wasn’t a one-time thing because he felt guilty about drinking too much the night before, she couldn’t put too much stock in it.
She called her office and then returned to the kitchen just as Len was setting two laden plates down on the table. He’d already fixed her coffee, and when she took a sip she was surprised he’d gotten the proportions right.
He cocked a brow at her. “You think after, what, fifteen years with you I didn’t know you take your coffee with a lot of half-n-half and a little bit of sugar?” Cissy blushed and Len smiled. “Sit and eat before it gets cold.”
“It looks great,” she ventured, still not sure what to make of this man. Maybe he’d been abducted by aliens during the middle of the night. Aliens who, instead of doing gross tests on his person, taught him to be respectful and thoughtful. If she found out that was the case she’d probably kiss the poor things no matter what they looked like.
They ate in silence, each of them probably waiting for the other to start what might very well be an uncomfortable discussion. When he finished, Len stood and began to clean up and Cissy continued to eat, watching him in silence. By the time she took her last sip of coffee, Len was drying the frying pan from the eggs.
After putting it back in the drawer with the other pans, he leaned on the counter. “Want to talk outside?”
“Sure.” Together they went out onto their back deck, an area Cissy loved and one of the reasons she’d wanted to buy this house. They’d always known they weren’t going to have children, but Cissy had fallen in love with the large stamped-concrete patio that led into a landscaped yard, complete with perennial beds bursting with flowers. People said she was crazy, but Cissy found pulling weeds and tending to her beds very therapeutic.
“Sit with me.” Len indicated the porch swing and Cissy sank into it, grateful they could be close without having to look at each other. After her husband sat and began gently rocking them with one foot, he said, “I think we’ve both made mistakes, but I want to fix our marriage. You’re the most important thing in the world to me, and if I’ve made you feel any other way I’m sorry. I could make excuses, but I’m not going to. I do think both of us are lying to the other. Lying about what’s going on inside our heads, what we want and what we need.”
“Okay…” Cissy drew the word out, not sure where Len was going with this.
“I think if we’re going to move forward, we both have to be totally honest, no matter how stupid or embarrassed either of us feels.” He took a deep breath and Cissy chanced a glance at him. His face was red and he was rubbing his palms up and down the front of his shorts. “Here goes…I lied last night. About a lot of stuff.”
Bile rose in Cissy’s throat. “Lied?” The word came out as little more than a squeak.
“Yes.” He must’ve looked at her, because he rushed on. “But probably not what you think. I’m not cheating or anything.”
Cissy let out an audible breath. “Go on.”
“I didn’t go out with clients last night. I went to a sports bar by myself and drank myself silly.”
“Why?”
“Because I was totally freaked out. We had sex yesterday morning and I couldn’t finish.”
That’s what all this was about? Cissy wanted to laugh and scream in turn.
“That happens to everyone, hon. We were in a hurry—”
“That’s not why it happened.”
“Then why?”
His next words came out in a rush and she had to concentrate to understand him. “I think it was because I want to be tied up in bed. I don’t…I don’t want control in bed. Or maybe even out of it. And yesterday I was on top, I was the dominant one, and it just didn’t work.” Len swore softly, but it hardly registered. “I feel like such a wimp.”
She turned to face him. “You’re not a wimp.”
“Easy for you to say,” he grumbled, raking his hands through his hair. “You’re not the one who wants your wife to tie you up and blindfold you and spank—” He swore again and Cissy knew her eyes were practically bugging out of her head, but try as she might to school her expression, there was just too much information coming at her to properly process everything.
She latched on to his last word. “Spank?”
“Okay, so I said we needed to be honest, and I’m going to be. Please don’t laugh at me.”
“I would never—”
“I know, it’s just…it’s weird.”
“Tell me.”
He finally looked up from the spot he was boring into the patio. “I went out to lunch with the guys and one of them was talking about this porno he’d watched. It was some sort of gang-bang or something, and the guys were taking turns with the girl, not just having sex with her, but spanking her too. All the other guys were talking about how sexy it would be to fuck the girl tag-team style and stuff like that, but the images flooding my mind were of me being the one there, having a bunch of women spank me and take advantage of me. I tried, Cissy, I tried to forget it, but I couldn’t.”
Her heart was beating a staccato in her chest. Who knew Len had desires like this? And could she fulfill them?
“Keep going.”
“So I went back to the office, found a bathroom on an abandoned floor and jerked off. I blew in about ten seconds and I’m pretty sure I lost consciousness, I came that hard.” He looked away, staring out over the lawn. “I’m not supposed to feel like this.”
“Like what?”
Len threw his hands up. “Like I want this stuff.”
“What’s wrong with wanting sex a certain way?”
“Because I’m the man. I’m supposed to be in control, be the one on top. I’m not supposed to need my wife to cuff my freaking hands to the bed to get off.”
“Who says? And anyway, you mentioned you’d been to those websites. Did you see how many other guys are like you?”
“Yeah, but—”
“But nothing. There’s no reason to feel ashamed.”
“So, what, you want to spank me now?” It was hard to tell if his tone was excited or wary.
He’d been honest, and she owed it to him to be honest back. “Yeah, a couple of times when I was on those websites and reading about those men, I wanted to spank you. But I don’t know if I’m dominant like those women are.”
“And I have no idea if it’s just the idea of you spanking me that gets me so hot or if I’d freak out if it really happened.” He shifted and Cissy saw his cock had hardened inside his shorts. “I do know that I want you to control me, to take me in hand.” Her eyebrows rose and he gave her a half smile. “Yeah, I saw those websites too. Anyway, I want you to keep giving me rewards when I do stuff around the house, and if I piss you off, like if I swear like I know you hate, I want you to take away my reward. Maybe even spank me. I don’t know. That would certainly be considered taking me in hand.”
She counted to ten before speaking. It was important to get this next part right. “What do you truly want? You have to tell me what you want and need from me. I need to hear the words directly from you.”
Cissy was pretty sure her heart was now beating out of her chest like one of those cartoons when the boy cartoon sees the girl cartoon. It had taken an extraordinary amount of courage
for Len to admit all this.
“I need to think about things for a little while.”
“That’s fair.”
“You scared the shit out of me last night. When I realized what you were saying and what was actually happening in our marriage—” He broke off and Cissy pushed her hand into his as he swiped at a tear. “I’m so sorry. I really didn’t know. I feel like such an idiot.” Len bent his leg, pivoting to fully face her on the swing. “I love you. I don’t ever want you to doubt that, and if you do, just remind me I’m being an ass.”
She couldn’t help her burst of laughter. “I’ll try.”
“Just one more thing. I think one of the reasons this happened is because I always figured you were so competent and I didn’t know how to do anything. I didn’t want to screw everything up just because I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing. Because of the way my mom was I don’t have much experience doing things like managing a household. And you did it so well that I just let you. It wasn’t fair, and I know that now.”
“That’s the important thing.”
“Okay, I’m gonna do some stuff out here and think.”
“I’ll get some things done inside. Come in whenever. We have some cold cuts for lunch whenever you’re hungry.”
Len leaned in and kissed her with a gentle brush of his lips as if he was afraid his advance would be unwelcome. Cissy remembered he wanted to be controlled and grabbed the back of his neck, pulling him closer. He let out an unintelligible grunt but readily opened his mouth. She dove inside, dueling with Len’s tongue. It was so strange to be the one doing the kissing rather than the one being kissed and she wasn’t sure how she felt about it. That was one thing she’d have to think about today.
After a few moments she let Len up for air. His erection was tenting the front of his shorts, but he made no motion to do anything about it, and with a smile, she went inside. Turning, she watched as he adjusted himself, briefly palming and squeezing his dick, but he went no further. Instead, he rose and made his way to the shed in the back corner of the yard, and she continued inside to assess the house.
Unexpected Top (Ball & Chain) Page 5