Ben sat up then and laid a kiss against my cheek. He pulled me closer, twisting me in his lap, so I had his support at my back, his arms securely wrapped around my front. He was cosseting me, holding me up. He had my back, he had all of me. I didn't need to do it alone anymore, just like him. I relaxed into his hold, despite the unwanted topic.
I took a deep breath in and continued. "He gloated that there were only three more weeks until my eighteenth birthday. Until I was his. He told me, as of that moment, he was saving himself for me." I stopped for a while and had to swallow hard to work through the bile in my mouth. Ben started rocking me gently. "He said it would make him more eager," my voice became a whisper. "That I'd never forget my first night beneath him." Ben made a sound that should have frightened me, but somehow gave me strength instead. "He told me... things. That he would do to me. He was very explicit."
I stopped talking then, that was entirely too much to get out. I felt sick to my stomach, despite Roan having never gotten the chance to act out his plans. The threat he'd instilled in me that day, has remained for years. It cut deep. It was a part of me now. I wasn't sure I'd ever be rid of it, when right now, it threatened to drown me, suffocate me, break me in half.
"Abi," Ben said, giving me a gentle shake. "Red. Look at me." My eyes came up to the dark chips of Ben's. "Babe, I'm glad you're telling me this, letting me in here," he placed his hand over the side of my temple, then added, "and here," he moved the hand down to over my heart. "But I figure there's a reason why you chose now to divulge."
I nodded, still staring unseeing into his eyes.
"Red. You need to finish this. As of this second, he no longer has any right to be in here," again his hand wrapped around the side of my head, then shifted to over my heart, "or in here. Fuckin' you up for anyone else. You're mine, red. Not his. Not anymore. Let it go."
I took a deep breath in and blinked a few times, bringing myself out of the pit Roan always dragged me into, and back into the fresh air with Ben.
"I asked him, why now?" I said, voice soft and shaken. "Why stop chasing skirt three weeks before I was his. I was young, Ben. I didn't know what I was asking. I didn't know he planned for me to ask that exact thing."
"He was playin' with you, red. A cat with a mouse." I nodded.
"He laughed, said he'd had his fill that morning and then pulled a handful of photos from his pocket and splayed them in front of my face." I stopped, a pure thread of unmitigated anguish washing through me. "I don't make friends. I don't have any. My Dad told me early on it would be better if I kept to myself. I didn't understand until that moment what he meant."
"Ah fuck, Abi," Ben said, feeling my distress with me. "I swear I'm gonna kill him."
"She wasn't really a friend," I continued, feeling a strange sense of delight at his heart felt vow. "But I liked her. And I'd seen her that morning, stopped and talked, shared a joke. Someone must have told Roan. Thought she and I were close. It also didn't help that she looked a little like I did. None of that really matters, because Roan had chosen her because of me."
"I understand," Ben said, pulling me closer. "I understand, red. You don't have to say anything more."
"So, you see," I persisted, but took his advice and didn't say aloud what I had seen in those photos. Ben could join the dots. He didn't need the graphic images. They alone would be my burden to keep. "I know guilt. I know it well. And even that type of guilt has a rightful place. But we have to learn to live with it."
"Or it sucks us down until we are no more," Ben finished for me.
We sat in silence for minutes, that seemed like seconds, but could have been days. Comfort, acceptance and a sense of strength wrapped around me, and I hoped with all my heart, wrapped around him too. I knew Ben Tamati. And he knew me.
It didn't matter that we'd only crossed paths three weeks ago. Well for him, it was three weeks, for me it was subconsciously three weeks, but in reality only a couple of days. Time was irrelevant when you found someone who understood you. Who connected to you despite everything else. I thanked my lucky stars that I chose Auckland. That I chose Abi Merchant. That Ben was charged with shadowing me. I'd never considered myself lucky until this moment, when the reality of my luck in finding Ben, the one person in the world who really got me, sank in.
Ben finally broke our silence by saying, "This won't be easy, red." I nodded, I think I knew what he was about to say. "I'm shit at this sort of thing," he added and I just smiled. "Get a woman in my bed and I can say anything. Let them know what I want, how to please me. But the moment I step out of that... scene, I clam up. I avoid emotional confrontation. I can't express myself. Fuck, this is killin' me right now. But I want you to know," - he shifted me so I was facing him, his eyes to my eyes, our hands resting on each others shoulders - "for you I would cut out my tongue if it made me clearer. Fuck," he said throwing his head back with a disgruntled shake. "Even that doesn't make any fuckin' sense."
"Yes it does," I said, reaching up and cupping his stubble-roughened cheek with my palm. "It means you're going to try. And so will I." I smiled up at him, my hand running over the well defined muscles of his chest. For a moment, I lost my train of thought. Too many delightful ridges demanding my undivided attention.
"Red?" he murmured with that smug smile.
I shook my head to clear it. "It won't be easy. But it'll be worth it," I whispered, my voice quite deep and meaningful right then.
"Yeah, red," Ben whispered back. "So, fuckin' worth it."
We stared at each other, losing ourselves in the intense gaze of the person before us, in the moment that we had opened up and let someone else in. Like me, I was sure, Ben was in new territory; a little scared of what was happening, but a whole lot relieved to finally find someone to share our dangerous world with.
Ben's hand came up and cupped my cheek in a move so tender it rocked my soul and cracked open my heart a little further. His thumb brushed my skin gently as his chocolate coloured eyes peered into mine. I breathed out a long puff of air, feeling all the tension of the morning dissipate and relaxing into the sensation of his touch on my cheek.
He had such a way about him. He represented strength and vitality, two qualities I craved with equal desire. But it was more than that, more than what people saw. Ben Tamati also represented love and freedom. Things I never thought I'd ever have.
And here they were. In front of me. Watching me with deep unfathomable eyes.
He was beautiful.
He was perfect.
And I think I could honestly say now, that he was mine.
A smile crept over my face, I could feel my lips stretching, my cheeks lifting. I watched as Ben took the transformation in, his eyes never leaving me, darting from lips to cheek to eyes to hair and back again.
"Worth it," he whispered, voice low and rough.
I nodded. Yes, he was worth it. He was worth everything I had.
I don't know how long we sat there, taking the other person in. Savouring the moment. Breathing. Being alive. It was Ben who broke the glorious spell we were under.
"Pierce is a police detective," he said, and with those few words changed the atmosphere in the room completely. I understood their necessity, but I still hated their invasion. "He's the one who hired ASI, and in particular me, to follow you."
"Why?" I asked.
"Red, you gotta know, I want to tell you. Everything. But I signed a contract and if I break it, I fuck not only myself but Nick and ASI." I nodded, disappointed, but completely aware of why he couldn't say more. "But I will not leave your side in there. And I will not let anything bad happen. I will stand between you and him, lay down my life if I have to. But you are no longer alone. Understand?"
Oh God, did he have any idea what he had just given me? I lifted tear filled eyes to his and saw the answer on his face. Open, honest, and completely connected to me.
"Thank you," I whispered and received one of those soft kisses of his on the lips, and a murmured, "You're mine now."
I had never felt such joy in my life before. Who gave a shit what would happen next, what this Pierce guy would mean for my future. For this moment, in Ben's arms, I would even face off against Roan Fucking McLaren.
"You ready, sunshine?" Ben said, moving toward the door of the room.
I pulled back on his hand and cocked my head. "Sunshine? Why sunshine? Red I understand, even when I was brunette, I kind of understood still. But 'sunshine' I just don't get."
Ben stopped in his tracks and devoted his complete attention to me. "Really?" he asked, voice light and playful. "I thought it was obvious." I shook my head. When he spoke again his tone had deepened, carrying a more significant weight than before. "Because the moment you entered my world, you set it alight. Until there were no more shadows left to hide in."
I stared at the man before me and just breathed.
Chapter 16
As My Body Began To Shake In Fear And Confusion And Dare I Say It, Hope
Interrogation room one was just that. It held a desk with four chairs; two on each side, a microphone in the middle of the table that obviously led to a recording device and cameras mounted in the corners to capture video of the interview. It didn't have one of those one-way mirrored windows, but then I supposed the video footage could be watched somewhere just as easily.
It also held a man. The guy who greeted us with a straight face and hard eyes, was dressed in casual jeans and a polo shirt. His dark brown hair had a slight curl and was long enough to brush the top of his shoulders. The curl made it dishevelled, the length made me think he went undercover a lot. He had a goatee too. I'd never liked beards. Roan had a goatee as well. It made men look sinister, in my eyes.
Something must have shown on my face, I don't think this man missed a thing. I tried to re-school my features, to disguise the instant dislike I felt at his appearance, but his dark eyes narrowed and the intense look of before became menacing instead.
"Take a seat," he instructed. His voice was firm, unyielding. My eyes automatically sought reassurance from Ben. He was staring daggers at the cop. Not an impassive look on his face at all.
I sat numbly in one of the chairs opposite where the cop stood, feeling nothing like numb inside. My heart rate was too fast, my breathing too ragged. Sweat coated my palms. I rubbed them down the skirt I was wearing, over my thighs, feeling increasingly dirtier as the day wore on. Had I only been at work this morning? So much had happened in such a short amount of time.
Ben's hands came down on either side of my shoulders. A move that spoke volumes and made the cop become statue still. His eyes trailed over Ben's fingers as they gently rubbed along my collar bone, then up his strong arms to land on Ben's face. I have no idea what mask Ben wore, the cop was the one looking impassive now.
"Do you know who I am, Ms Monaghan?" he asked, eyes still on Ben.
"I know you're a police detective and your surname is Pierce," I said, my voice sounding way stronger than it felt. I was so very proud of myself right then.
"Ryan Pierce," he said, finally returning his eyes to mine. I wish he hadn't. "And do you know why I am here?" he asked, voice level, devoid of inflection, matching the look on his goatee covered face. My eyes skipped off to the side of the room. I couldn't look at him. He was too much like Roan, but then he was also nothing like him at all.
Roan had a nasal sounding voice, as though he spoke every word through his upper palate. Pierce's was deep. Roan had a hooked nose and black hair. Pierce's nose was perfectly shaped, but nondescript and his hair was a dark brown, not nearly as black. Roan was tall and lean, his strength hidden behind his lanky physique and all the more deathly because of its façade. Pierce was broad in the shoulders, his arms bulged with muscles. His strength was on display for all to see.
Yet right now, he was Roan McLaren to my eyes, despite my head trying to tell me otherwise. I think it was the threat he represented. Roan equalled threat. So did Detective Pierce.
"Well, Ms Monaghan?" he asked, my surname - real surname - emphasised as though making a point. I got it. I disliked him even more.
"You..." I stopped and swallowed painfully past my dry throat. Ben offered a shoulder squeeze as encouragement. Pierce didn't miss the move. "You want something from me," I said, finally finding enough saliva to form the words.
"That's a very general statement," Pierce pointed out.
"Then why don't you clarify it, Detective," I spat back, forcing myself to look the man in the eyes. It was hard, but I've had to do harder things in the past and now was not the time to forget everything my father had taught me.
He stood motionless for several seconds, then pulled a chair out and abruptly sat down. The change in his position, from leaning, towering, over me, to sitting on my level on the other side of the table, was entirely intentional. Everything this man did was planned. Just what did this move mean? Giving me a false sense of security maybe?
"We've been watching you for a while," he said casually. He didn't look at Ben when he said that, his eyes were on me. I forced myself not to show a reaction. I knew Ben had been following me for three weeks, because this man hired him to. His statement wasn't a surprise. I think he was hoping it was, despite Ben's obvious support at my back.
"When did Ben show himself?" Pierce asked, as though he wasn't looking for a reason to have Ben's arse.
I debated lying, but what was the point? My first look at Ben was only a couple of days ago.
"Three days ago," I said testily.
"You don't seem surprised that he's been following you, so I assume someone let it slip before then."
He wasn't happy. It made me feel angrier for some reason.
"I've known I was being watched for almost three weeks now. I never saw him, until he saved me from being hit by a car three days ago. I recognised his cologne when he grabbed me from the road where I had fallen. I had smelled it the first time I felt the itch."
Pierce looked at me for a suspended moment, clearly taking that all in.
"I'm a very observant person, Detective Pierce. I've had to be."
"What's the itch?" he asked, shifting forward in his seat.
I shrugged my shoulders, feeling the weight of Ben's hands still resting there. It gave me such an unfamiliar sense of comfort. Reminding me I wasn't alone in this, even if Ben hadn't said a single word.
"I get an itch between my shoulder blades when I think someone's getting close. It's like a bullseye is being painted on my back. I know then it's time to leave. To move on and hide again."
Pierce's eyes flicked up to Ben's. It was quick. Unplanned. A reaction he failed to hide. I had no idea what it meant.
He cleared his throat and shuffled some papers on the table top in front of him. They'd been inside a nondescript brown manila folder. He picked one sheet out and briefly scanned it, then turned it around to face me, letting it rest in the space between us. I kept my eyes on him. He was the threat, not the paper.
"We've been following you for longer than three weeks, Ms Monaghan," Pierce admitted, with a hint of smugness tainting his words.
I forced myself not to show a reaction, but inside my heart had started pounding, making it difficult to hear his next words.
"Dunedin was when you were first brought to our attention," Pierce was saying, my brain trying frantically to piece the puzzle back together. Otago University had been the next location I'd gone to after Christchurch. I'd poured coffee there, at the University Cafeteria. I'd lasted eight months.
I left because I felt my cover had been blown. I thought it had been blown by Roan, not the police.
"Then you popped up in Kaikoura," Pierce said, sliding a second sheaf of paper on top of the last.
I still hadn't looked at them, I had no idea what they meant, my eyes were all for the fierce gaze of the detective before me, as he slowly, calculatedly, pulled apart the past five years of my life.
"Then again in Cardrona," he added, another sheaf of paper joining the first two. Then another on t
op of that as he said, "A station in the High Country near Geraldine." And another piece of paper got added to the pile. "Then an orchard in the Hawkes Bay near Hastings."
My work history, save for the time I spent with the Devil's Henchmen in Christchurch, laid out before me with casual ease. I'd tried so hard to hide. And I had obviously failed.
"Do you deny being in any of these locations?" the detective asked.
"No," I said, not willing to give anything further away. There was no point in lying, but expanding on that statement right now would have been a mistake. I was being interrogated, Pierce was not here to help, he was after something. That much was clear.
I held his intense gaze with a neutral one of my own. I refused to crumble under his scrutiny.
"You've led us on a very long and criminal chase," Pierce said, my face almost giving away my surprise at his choice of words.
It hadn't occurred to me that I would get arrested for my fake IDs. I should have considered that, but somehow I'd thought the cops would have more pressing cases to pursue, than one stray woman using false identification in order to hide from a drug lord.
Pierce picked up the sheets of papers again and splayed them out across the table between us. My eyes remained on his.
"Take a look," he instructed.
I blinked, felt Ben squeeze my shoulders in support, and lowered my eyes to the documents. They were police reports of some description. It took me several seconds to comprehend what it was I was reading. In Dunedin an armed robbery of a pharmacy on the corner of Cumberland Street and Saint David Street had been attributed to one Sarah Monaghan. Pseudoephedrine used in the manufacture of Methamphetamine drugs had been taken. Drugs Roan made and sold. I leaned forward and shifted the report closer to me.
Security footage of a girl matching my description had been given as evidence. A grainy still from the video was included in the report. Short black hair, temporary tattoos and leather clothing. I hadn't worn my previous Christchurch disguise in Dunedin. I'd worn grunge clothes, had slightly longer mousy brown hair and an earring in my nose.
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