by Jaime Reese
"Then I'll stay. If I don't understand something, you make me understand," Julian said desperately.
Matt grabbed a handful of Julian's damp shirt and pulled him close for a demanding, all-consuming kiss. Julian immediately responded and wrapped one hand around Matt's waist, the other gripping the hair at the back of his head. He devoured Matt's mouth, taking with desperation while giving every ounce of passion, need, and love he felt. He pulled Matt's quivering body closer when he felt a moan of need rumble in his throat.
Matt pulled away, gasping for air with his hands still gripping Julian's head. "You need to get these wet clothes off. You're too cold," he said nervously.
Julian nodded, trying to ignore the shivers that traveled his body.
He took Matt's extended hand and was led into their bedroom. They undressed and Julian toweled off the excess wetness. Matt lifted the comforter and took his side of the bed as Julian immediately joined him and nestled under the warm covers. They faced each other, heads resting on their pillows with their hands tucked underneath.
"I don't know where to start," Matt said, breaking the silence.
"Just tell me whatever you're ready to tell me. I can't do the sharing thing anymore tonight," he added weakly.
Matt's eyebrows lowered. "The sharing thing?"
"You talk, I'll listen. I can't…" He took a deep breath, waiting for the right phrase to come. He didn't want to seem selfish, but he couldn't handle another my daddy was an asshole session.
Matt reached out and placed his hand on Julian's hip. "I get it."
Julian absently nodded, thankful Matt wasn't pushing.
"My parents," Matt said with a sigh. "I guess that's a good place to start. My father runs the family textiles business. I hated it but they expected me to take it over someday. I worked there for years while I went to school. When I finished, I went against their wishes and used my finance degree to work in a trading company. I've always worked for my money. I don't have a family trust or inheritance or anything like that. I got a paycheck just like everyone else while I was there. My dad said it built character," he said the last words mimicking a serious monotone voice.
"My mom, well, I'm sure she was just happy to have more money available," he said sadly, shaking his head. "Anyways, I wanted to do something I actually enjoyed. I moved out and got my own place. I felt free for the first time in my life. I didn't have to fake so much all the time. I was even able to go out with guys."
Julian cleared his throat. "You said before, that your mom would disown you if she knew you were gay. So no one knows?" Julian asked, hoping to steer the conversation away from any ex-boyfriend related discussions. He couldn't handle jealousy right now.
"My parents don't know. My mother pushes me all the time to settle down, get married, have kids," Matt responded as he rolled his eyes then sighed.
"So you had no one?"
Matt smiled fondly. "I had an aunt, my father's older sister. She was always there for me. I'd go to her house all the time, which seemed to work out for my mom since I was out of her hair and she could socialize with her high society friends," Matt said, imitating a stuffy tone of arrogance.
"When I was a kid, she would always make the time to sit and play board games with me. As I grew up, she'd be my go-to person—I could talk to her about anything. Somehow, it seemed as if she had an answer to every single question I could ever think to ask. I loved her so much. She was everything my mother wasn't. I'd talk to her about school, friends, everything and anything, and she was always understanding and supportive. She listened, never got angry, and never judged. I knew I was gay when I was sixteen, and she was the first person I told." Matt smiled fondly. The love he felt for his aunt was obvious in the soft tone and subtle smiles as he spoke.
"What did she say?"
"She hugged me and said I was lucky that I knew who I was so early in life. Then she cracked some joke about how long it was taking my mom to figure out how much of a pain in the ass she was." He huffed a quiet laugh then looked at Julian intently. "This house is my aunt's legacy."
"Was it her idea?" Julian asked.
Matt shook his head. "It started off as Liam's idea. He was my cellmate and my only friend while in prison. I don't want to talk about him tonight," he finished sadly.
"Okay," Julian said and reached up to stroke the side of Matt's face.
"He was only a friend, J. But I think it might trigger a memory for you so I don't want to go there tonight," Matt added.
Julian wasn't exactly sure what that meant or which memory, but he wasn't going to question it. He couldn't handle being ripped open and gutted twice in one night. He nodded and lowered his hand to Matt's waist and pulled him a little closer.
"What happened, why the prison time?" Julian asked.
"After I left the family business, my brother wanted to escape as well. I took him under my wing, helped him with school, got him a job at the same company where I worked. We even shared an apartment. Aside from my aunt, he's the only other person who knew I was gay. It didn't bother him at all. He had so much potential, and I kept pushing him, driving him to learn and do more. I didn't get the support or motivation from home I wanted and I assumed he wanted the same. So I pushed it on him, but I ended up smothering him and I think that's what drove him away. He started drinking heavily and doing who knows what else. He made some bad decisions. It was my fault."
"What your brother chose to do with himself was not your fault."
Matt shook his head. "It was. I was the big brother. I should have been there to guide rather than push him. He had questions about some deals and was too afraid to come to me so he took advice from others and made some bad decisions. I was in my own world and didn't double check things and I just signed off on the trades. If I would have taken the time to look more closely, I would have known it was going to be a problem with the deals." He closed his eyes and pushed his head farther into the pillow then sighed.
"So the time you served was because of those bad deals?" Julian asked, encouraging him to continue.
Matt opened his eyes again. "Yeah," he said quietly. "White collar crimes and a lot of people lost money in their trades so someone had to pay. It was my signature on those documents so it was me. I was charged with insider trading and embezzlement."
"So you took the fall for him. I'm surprised the company or your lawyer didn't go back to the paperwork and see his name and figure it out."
Matt looked away, trying to hide his face in the pillow.
"Matt?"
Matt glanced at Julian then looked away again. "I went back and changed the documents so his name didn't appear on the transactions."
"Matt," he said softly. He couldn't imagine the guilt Matt felt thinking his brother may have served time for what he perceived to be his own negligence.
"Don't hate me," he said weakly. "I couldn't let him go to prison, he wouldn't have made it. I barely made it and I'm tougher than him."
Julian half smiled.
"Now you're just mocking me," Matt said with a hint of a pout.
"Keep on talking tough guy."
Matt snorted a laugh. "Smart-ass."
"Tough guy."
Matt smiled, his eyes sending an unmistakable message of relief. He looked away briefly before continuing. "The lawyers only expected a year or two tops since it was my first offense. He even thought I might just have an extended probationary period since there was no actual money exchanged. Everything was tied up in trades and paper transactions. The judge disagreed and got really pissed off. Implied I thought I would get off easy because of my family so he made me an example. I got seven years but Sam pushed to get me out early on good behavior. I was out in five."
"So I'm guessing I should thank Sam the next time I see him."
"You seem to enjoy giving him the evil eye when you think no one's looking."
Julian grunted. Giving Sam a glare was much tamer than beating the perky personality out of him. He got off easy as far as
Julian was concerned.
"So Sam was like your counselor or something?"
"Something like that. He was there for me."
He was happy Matt had some support when he needed it, but he couldn't focus on Sam right now. "What happened with your family when you got out? I take it that didn't get better from what I heard earlier."
"It's been hell. My brother feels guilty and he's trying to get back on track. He stopped drinking and he's engaged now but the guilt is driving him crazy. He's trying but I can't handle him, and Mom and her lectures, and all the paperwork I need to do for the halfway house, and—"
"Breathe," Julian said, bringing his hand up again to stroke Matt's hair.
Matt sighed at the touch. "You're the one steady thing in my life, J. I can't lose you," he said on a shaky whisper.
Rather than spoon Matt as he usually did before falling asleep, Julian nudged Matt to lie on his back then Julian rested his head on Matt's chest.
"No more talking for today," he said, his shaky breath whispering across Matt's skin. He was exhausted, physically, mentally, and emotionally. He closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around Matt, holding him close, feeling the heat of Matt's skin warm his cool body. Julian could hear Matt's heart beat rapidly, much faster and harder than the norm. Matt wrapped his arms around Julian tighter than usual, almost protectively. Julian sighed, taking comfort in knowing he was in Matt's arms after everything that had happened that night. Matt's fingers slowly traced Julian's skin, soothing and caressing. Julian felt himself begin to settle and start to drift away.
It had been a rough few hours for the both of them and they obviously hadn't come out of it unscathed, but they did come out of it together, and that was what mattered most. Julian loved this man who held him so tightly and everything about him—the way he felt, the way he kissed, the way he made him feel wanted, the way his heartbeat seemed to calm the longer he held him. He hoped that he was Matt's anchor as much as Matt had become his.
"I love you," Matt said almost in a whisper. His voice shook with a hint of nervousness.
Julian tightened his hold further, softly kissed Matt's chest and quietly responded, "I love you more." The statement was truer tonight more than ever.
Matt's body relaxed in his hold and he heard his heartbeat spike for a moment then settle to its usual rhythm. Julian sighed with relief and nuzzled closer to Matt. He was at peace. Whatever happened from this moment, they'd try to work through it together. He had Matt's love and trust, and that was the best Christmas present he could ever hope to receive.
Chapter 15
February
"Mmmm…that feels good," Matt moaned and stroked the back of Julian's head. He loved the way Julian made love to him this way most mornings. Slowly taking him to the edge then bringing him back only to push him further until he exploded was exquisite torture. Julian said it was the best way to start the day and Matt wasn't going to argue. Nearly every morning, Matt would wake to Julian's mouth, working a trail down his neck. Damn Julian for discovering that sensitive spot. Other mornings, he'd wake to the warmth of Julian's mouth wrapped around his length, slowly, torturously working him to the point where he sounded as if he were speaking in tongues.
"J," Matt panted as he watched.
Julian lazily looked up and half smiled. He stuck out his tongue and slowly swiped Matt's slit without breaking eye contact. Fucking tease. Julian knew Matt, had figured out those minute indicators of when was the right time to pull back, where, when, and how to touch him, kiss him, lick him, and tease him. Before Matt could curse Julian for taking so damn long to finish, he wrapped his hot mouth tightly around Matt again and began to rapidly suck and pull just the way Matt liked moments before reaching that precipice.
Matt moaned incoherently and threw his head back. So close. Julian tightened his grip and sped up further, pushing Matt off that edge. A sharp current traveled up Matt's body, numbing every limb until he finally yelled his release.
After a few moments, Julian slowly released him and began kissing a trail up Matt's stomach. Slow, soft kisses, not like the ones Julian gave when he wanted to tease. These were the slow lazy kisses after those three words were exchanged. The ones that let Matt know Julian cherished him, wanted him more than anything else. Matt loved that about him. Julian could say he wasn't good at expressing himself, but Matt knew better. This last month had proven that Julian's mother, even after her death, had far more influence over her son than any memories of the asshole father who had tried to break him.
Matt caressed the back of Julian's head as he reached the middle of his chest. Julian looked up and smiled then dove again to kiss Matt's neck. Fucker. Matt couldn't help but moan.
Julian kissed his way along Matt's jawline until he was finally face to face with him.
They smiled.
"Happy Valentine's Day," Matt whispered.
"Happy Valentine's Day," Julian repeated before lazily kissing him.
Matt enjoyed every single kiss he shared with Julian, but there was something special about kissing him immediately after. The different taste in Julian's kiss was his own release. Although primitive, he was happy to know he had marked Julian as his. Matt craved more, needed to feel a closer connection with Julian, wanted to know what it felt like to be buried inside him. He just didn't know how to broach the subject.
When they finally broke the kiss, Julian positioned himself back up on the bed, pulled Matt over onto his chest and wrapped his arms around him. Matt immediately felt Julian's body heat envelop him as he eased back into sleep, forgetting anything else he wanted from him.
* * * *
"That's your phone," Julian mumbled behind Matt's ear.
Matt battled with what to do—answer the annoying phone or stay exactly where he was as Julian nuzzled him and pressed himself against Matt's back.
Ring. Vibrate. Ring. Vibrate.
"Aren't you gonna get that?" Julian whispered with a soft chuckle in Matt's ear as he released the earlobe he was worrying with his teeth.
Ring. Vibrate. Ring. Vibrate.
Reluctantly, Matt detached himself from Julian and reached for the phone. After reading the display, he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and answered.
"Hey, Sam."
"This is your ten-minute warning call that I'm on my way there," Sam said with a laugh. "At least it would have been ten if you had answered with the first ring. It's closer to five now."
"Um, okay," Matt said. He looked back at Julian who could easily overhear the tinny voice. Julian kissed his shoulder and got out of bed.
Sam went on. "I've got some info on the new guy I was telling you about so I wanted to chat with you for a few."
"Yeah, yeah, that's fine," Matt said as he stretched.
Julian grabbed the jeans he'd laid out on the chair and started dressing. Matt heard Sam talking, but he was so focused on watching Julian's arms and legs as he pulled the jeans up, he couldn't follow the conversation.
"You're not even listening to me, are you?" Sam asked.
"Uh…yeah, of course I am."
"Uh-huh. I'll be there in three. At least make sure you're dressed please." Sam laughed before ending the call.
Julian turned to see Matt staring at him and smiled. Matt couldn't move. He couldn't believe he was here. Sometimes it was like a dream. When Matt's gaze slipped southward, Julian grabbed the other pair of jeans on the chair and tossed them over to Matt.
"Get dressed please. I don't want Sam seeing that perfect ass of yours."
Matt beamed as he started to dress. Julian thought he had a perfect ass? Had Julian looked in a mirror recently? Matt couldn't stop admiring Julian. He'd changed in the last month, in so many ways. There was a level of ease between them now. Regardless of whatever it was that was happening to either one of them, they made the effort to talk and get through it together. Matt had his off days, normally whenever his mom was involved, but Julian was always patient with him.
Julian became a bit more open wit
h each passing day. There was a different strength in his eyes that hadn't been there when they first met. His gaze was as firm and powerful as ever, but it no longer intimidated Matt or made him look away. Rather, Julian's green eyes pulled him in and awakened a desire in Matt to explore further. He often wanted to simply turn his back on everything and everyone else just to be able to look into those eyes and peer into that secret door Julian kept locked to everyone but him.
Julian grabbed a shirt from the closet and walked over to Matt. He softly kissed him as he handed over the T-shirt. "We can pick this up where we left off after he leaves."
"Promise?" Matt asked as he slowly pulled the shirt over his head.
"Today, all day—I'm all yours."
"Just today?" Matt teased as he wrapped his arms around Julian's neck.
"I'm yours every day." Julian snaked his arms around Matt's waist. "But today there won't be a hammer or paint brush in the way. Unless you'd like that of course," he said, waggling his eyebrows.
Matt couldn't help but laugh and tighten his hold on Julian. He was glad to see Julian's playfulness still intact despite the whole emotional crisis on Christmas. Matt had feared Julian would retreat into his shell rather than try to explore deepening the relationship. True to Julian's word, he was trying his damned hardest to open up.
"If you need to get some work done, J, it's okay."
"Nope, it's Valentine's Day," Julian said firmly. He paused for a moment and rubbed his shaved head. "Isn't spending time with the person you love what people are supposed to do?"
Supposed to do?
"What did you normally do on Valentine's with old boyfriends?" Matt cautiously asked. Maybe there was something Matt was doing wrong here?
Julian shrugged. "Nothing."
"What do you mean 'nothing'?" Matt asked as he stroked the back of Julian's neck. He knew the rhythmic stroking settled him.
After a few moments, Julian finally answered. "Never been with someone long enough to have a Valentine's," Julian said as he buried his head in the crook of Matt's neck. Julian was trying to open up in his own way. Matt recognized it in his body language, the way he said things, the hesitation, then the mild worry that he had somehow said something wrong. The words weren't full of self-pity but then Julian didn't really sign up for that particular emotion. They were simply words that were heavy with something. Loneliness maybe?