Licentious

by Jen Cousineau

  I glance around the room and realize that I’m still in Eve’s bed. Just the idea of leaving her bed makes my heart ache. I lift my head slightly and peak at the digital clock across the room. 7:32 A.M.

  Normally, Dad has already left for work, but I know he’s put in for FMLA leave temporarily so he can stay home with me. Mom wasn’t home at all yesterday, at least not that I know of. If I were honest, that bitch can stay gone.

  This damn cast is so itchy! I need to find something to stick inside of it to scratch. I can’t wait for this damn thing to be removed. My stomach growls loudly, reminding me that I haven’t eaten since yesterday at breakfast before I was discharged. The idea of leaving Eve’s bed pulls at me inside, as if I’m leaving her. I don’t want to get up, but… I have to pee.

  I slowly peel myself out of bed, feeling stiffness in every bone and muscle in my body. I let out a groan as I reach for my crutches and make my way to the bathroom. As I head back into our bedroom, my digital piano keyboard on the far end of the room against the wall fills my vision. My fingers start to move against the handles of the crutches as if they were stroking the keys of the piano. Music starts to cloud my mind. I close my eyes to hold back the tears that threaten when I think of the last time I played. My dreams killed Eve, whispers in my ear. Opening my eyes, slightly shaking my head to rid myself of the thoughts that occupy me, I exhale as I head out into the hallway.

  Slowly making my way down the stairs, I don’t hear anything. Anything. I’m surprised that I’m the first to wake up. Normally Dad rises with the sun. Finally reaching the bottom of the stairs, I make my way to the ugly sofa to rest for a minute.

  Maybe if I just keep moving, the pain and stiffness will eventually get better. After a minute to rest, I stand up from the couch and go into the kitchen to start a pot of coffee. Nothing beats that first sip of coffee in the morning. I’ve been hooked on it since I was sixteen, despite Dad trying everything he could think of to prevent it from happening.

  As I stand and stare at the coffeemaker waiting for it to finish dripping, my thoughts fall back to my conversation with Aedan last night. I feel horrible that he’s holding all of this guilt on his shoulders. It’s not his fault! I know this is going to be a rough road for him. It’s going to be rough for all of us, but Aedan is the job. He’s not just a cop—he is a cop. He lives it and breathes it. His job consumes him. The fact they pulled him from even going near the case when he feels so much for it has to be killing him. Maybe, I can do something to help. Maybe if I ask him to keep me company, maybe take me somewhere—although I don’t really feel like going out in public just yet. Hmm.

  I peek out the kitchen window, which has a clear view of the back of the driveway, garage, and most of the backyard. Both Mom and Dad’s cars are missing. Where the hell could they be? Maybe they both ended up having to work? I’m surprised Dad’s FMLA hadn’t been approved yet.

  As the coffee finishes brewing, I decide to go wake Aedan’s ass up and see what his plans are for the day. Our house is on the small side. Originally, the upstairs was my parents’ master suite, and Eve and I shared a smaller room as our bedroom with the room directly next to it being a toy room. My Dad had fixed up a portion of the basement so Aedan could have his own space down there. His bedroom and bathroom are completely finished, but the rest of the space hasn’t been touched, leaving open ceilings right to the beams and concrete walls and floors. Once Eve and I grew out of the ‘toy’ stage, somehow, Dad convinced Mom to let him remodel the two smaller rooms into a new master suite for them, allowing Eve and me to claim the upstairs.

  Reaching the bottom of the stairs, I flip the light switch on and turn to the left where the basement opens to the unfinished area. My eyes grow wide in shock, all breath leaving my lungs as if someone sucker-punched me in the chest. Fear and ice rush through me as tears sting my eyes. “Aedan!” I scream as my hand comes up to cover my mouth and I stand there in shock.

  Aedan’s still body hangs from the rafters of the ceiling, a thick rope wrapped around his neck. His lips are blue, his body still, his eyes focused on me.

  I can feel my body shaking vigorously as I drop my crutches and limp-run to where he hangs. Searching around for something to use to get him down, I keep talking to him as if he could actually hear me.

  “It’s okay, Aedan.” I try to stay calm and clear as I choke through my tears. “I’m going to get you down. I have to get you down.”

  Looking around, I see nothing that will be useful. I move as quickly as I can to the back of the basement where we keep everything for storage. I grab a black metal folding chair and make my way back to Aedan as fast as I can. Unfolding the chair directly next to him, I ignore every pain coursing through me and climb up to try to untie the knotted rope from the ceiling.

  The severe shaking of my hands makes it nearly impossible to get a good grip.

  “It’s okay, it’s okay, Aedan, it’ll be okay,” I repeat over and over as I struggle with the damn rope. “Aedan... somebody help me! Someone! HELP ME!” I begin to yell over and over again. “Dammit, Aedan. God damn you!” I scream at him as the rawness of the rope burn begins to set in against my skin.

  I reluctantly pull my hands away when the realization that what I’m doing isn’t working. My body freezes next to him as I take in the scene in front of me. As I hiccup on the sobs escaping my chest, my hands move to their own accord. I know he’s gone, but I check for his pulse, and his skin was cool to my touch. I pull him to my body and hug him, as I tell him how much I love him. Asking him why, even though I know he won’t answer me back. I tell him that I need him and that he had better take care of Eve. And then I just cry. I cry and cry, and when I think I’m finally done, I cry some more, the entire time, my arms are clasped around him. I don’t want to let go. I know if I do, it’ll be over. I’ll never see him again, except for when we bury him next to Eve in the ground.

  I hesitantly peel myself from his body, and slowly make my way down to sit in the chair I’m standing on. My breathing slows down as I bat away the evidence of tears staining my face. I feel empty inside as I try to grasp what I should be doing right now, my brain fuzzy and dazed. As my eyes dart left, then right, then up—seeing Aedan’s body still hanging, I quickly revert my eyes to the cold concrete floor and see a white envelope lying on the ground, just behind where he is now.

  I can see that the front of the envelope is blank, and I just stare at it. Is it a suicide letter? Is it an empty envelope? Can I handle what it says inside? Taking a deep breath, I slip off my chair and reach for the envelope. Grasping it in my hands, my body begins to shake. I slip the envelope into the waistband of my pajama bottoms, and in a slow, zombie-like daze, I make my way back to my crutches as tears continuously flow down my face. Forcing myself to take deep breaths, I try to think what I should be doing right now as I make my way upstairs. Do I call 911? My brother is dead. The realization hits me hard and my breath leaves my chest causing me to collapse at the top of the stairs. Sobs rack my body, my breathing erratic, causing pain to radiate throughout my ribs.

  “Joey?” I hear a voice call from behind me, but I can’t catch my breath enough to answer. “Jo?” I realize it’s my dad when he turns my head to look at him. His hands frame my face as he squats down next to me. “Sweetie, what’s wrong?”

  “Daddy,” I cry. “Daddy,” I say again as I shake my head. How do I tell him that he lost another child?

  “Jesus, Jo. You’re shaking,” he gasps, his brows pinching together. His thumbs rub softly against my cheeks. “Shh, Jo. Breathe, sweetie. Breathe in and out.” I do as he says a few times to get myself under control.

  Be strong Joey. This is all because of you. You don’t have a right to fall apart. I close my eyes as I take one more big breath. I open my eyes on the exhale, and I see fear in Dad’s eyes, probably wondering what the hell is going on.

  “Daddy,” I whisper, “Aedan,” I pause shaking my head. My eyes avert to the stairway leading down to the basement.
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  “What about Aedan, sweetie?” he asks softly.

  “He’s gone, Daddy. He hung himself,” I barely get out on a whisper. I see the moment realization takes over. Tears cloud his eyes and his hands fall limp from my face.

  I see my dad force himself to pull it together, his jaw clenched. His hands move to my shoulders as he tells me, “I want you to go into the living room and wait there.” We both nod as he helps me stand, handing me my crutches from the floor. I see him pull his cell phone from his back pocket as he races down the stairs.

  Not being able to handle the reaction I know will soon come, I quickly turn and move to the living room. As soon as I reach the sofa, I nearly fall back, the feeling of something poking my waist reminds me of the envelope I found and had placed there earlier. My fingers are cold and my breath grows erratic from the adrenaline and fear of what’s held inside. Slowly opening it, I slip out the folded loose leaf paper and begin to unfold it.

  If you’re reading this, then I’m no longer alive. I’m truly sorry for the heartache I know this is going to cause you. I’m also sorry for whoever is reading this, for you having to see me this way. But trust me, the other alternatives were not as graceful, and sights that no one should have to witness.

  Joey, I love you. And I loved Eve. It’s not fair that you both had to endure the brunt of such an evil and horrifying event so someone could settle a score with me. I wish I could solve that case. I wish I could help, but I went over everything I could and nothing has made itself known as a factor in it. I can never apologize enough for what you both have endured. I can’t take the nightmares that plague you in your sleep away. I can’t fill that hole that is deep inside of you that is slowly consuming and eating away at you. I can’t put the light back in your eyes. I can’t make you love music again. I can’t fix this. It kills me that I can’t and I know I will never be able to forgive myself.

  I’ve always loved the job. I always sniffed in places I probably shouldn’t have. Being a part of so many aspects of the job, I’m not sure if the case is even solvable. This pains me, because I know that you’re never going to feel safe until it’s solved.

  The guilt is something that I can’t endure for a lifetime. I’m going to rest with Eve for a while until the day comes that I am reunited with all of you.

  Mom and Dad—thank you for everything that you have always done for me. Thank you for showing me the type of man that I wanted to become, and thank you for loving me. Please, please don’t hate me for this decision. I know that you understand me when I say that the day Eve died, I died a little inside, too. But the day Joey told me why it happened—that completely destroyed me. It’s better this way, I promise. Please remember happy thoughts when you think of me.

  Mom—go easy on Jo. She’s one of the best people in my life. She’s a remarkable young woman, and I think you’d really like her if you gave her a chance. This is no one’s fault but my own. I’m the cause for all of this, and now I must make a choice. I choose death instead of living a dead life with guilt. Please try to understand that.

  Dad—I love you, man. You are and always have been one of my best friends. Thank you for being such a positive role model in my life. Thank you for always being there for Eve and Jo. I’m relieved to know that Joey will have you to help her through everything. She’s going to need you, Dad.

  Please try to move on from all of this. Even if the case is never solved, move past it. Especially you, Jo. Your music, that’s always been your outlet. Now’s the time that you should rely on it the most. Use it. I love all three of you more than you’ll ever know. I would never have been the same, happy, dedicated person I was before all of this happened. What’s worse than losing someone you love? Having them right next to you, but being completely empty on the inside. That’s why I’m doing this.

  I love you all. Take care of each other.

  Love Always from above with Eve,

  Aedan

  Chapter Ten

  Three Days Later

  After reading Aedan’s letter, I cried. Hard. I remember the letter falling from my hands as I buried my face in them. When my mind allowed me to focus back to what was happening around me, I noticed my dad was standing before me reading it. It seemed as if officers and paramedics took over the house.

  My mind drifted all over the place, memories flooding my mind and creating a larger black hole in my heart. I’ve never been one to talk about my feelings with people. Not in depth anyway. I was always the one to help other people sort out their shit and their problems, but when it came to me unless your name was Eve or Aedan, I became somewhat of an introvert. I think that’s what drew me to music in the first place. There’s always a song to fit your mood. Your situation. There’s always a song to describe how you’re feeling.

  I’ve been obsessed with music since I can remember. Aedan had wanted an electric guitar for his seventeenth birthday, so Dad took Eve and me with him to pick one out for his gift. That’s when I fell in love with the piano. I was awestruck by the beauty of them. Their classic lines, the shine of the wood, the beautiful white and black keys that begged to be touched. When the nice old man who owned the place let me touch the keys, I was mesmerized by the harmonious beauty from the sound that they created. I begged Dad to buy me one or to at least enroll me in lessons, but he just kept saying that he couldn’t. I actually dreamt about having a piano of my own one day. From that day in the music store, I started writing poems, which eventually turned into song lyrics. It was as if that one time at the music store was all it took to unlock a part of me that I never knew existed.

  After Aedan had learned the basics of how to play his guitar from the lessons Mom paid for, we started writing together. I would share my lyrics with him and tell him what style of music I heard in my head when I wrote them, and he would create it on his guitar. Later that year, Dad surprised me with an electric piano keyboard for my tenth birthday. I was in heaven. I didn’t know how to play, but I didn’t care. I was determined to figure it out, even if I had to teach myself.

  I begged for lessons, but Mom refused to spend the money on them. I heard my parents arguing about it numerous times, and then one day, Aedan took me back to that nice old man to teach me how to play. Later on, when I begged him to tell me how he got Mom to agree to the piano lessons, Aedan confessed that he told Mom to stop his lessons so she could afford to put me in piano lessons. Reluctantly, she agreed. Aedan then taught me how to play guitar, and I taught him the piano. We wrote music together from that point forward. It was a hobby for Aedan, but for me, music was my life. I can’t help but smile at the memory, even though my heart only feels empty now.

  Pulling myself back from memory land, looking out the window of the backseat of Dads RAV4, I see the houses on my street going by. Almost home. As much as I hate being home now more than ever, I can’t wait to climb into bed and forget the world around me. I’m tired of people hovering over me, of all my friends badgering me with their condolences. It’s appreciated, but I just want to be left the hell alone.

  “Josephine,” Mom says stiffly, “before you head back to your cave,” she sneers at the word cave, “I have some chores that I need you to do. The list will be on the kitchen table for you.”

  Of course, she does. I can’t help but roll my eyes. All day today at Aedan’s services, she did nothing but act overly sweet toward me as she played up the ‘poor Mom who just lost two kids’ card. In reality, the act was pure bullshit. I have no doubt that the emotions were real for the loss of Aedan, but only for Aedan. She’s never given two shits about Eve or me. That was purely for attention. Bitch.

  “Did you hear me, young lady?” she snaps.

  “Yes,” I mutter.

  “Yes, ma’am,” she corrects.

  “Ye—”

  “Stop it, Alannah! That’s enough,” Dad intervenes. “Joey, you don’t have to do any chores. You need to rest,” he says as he pulls into our driveway.

  “Aedan! Don’t undermine my parenting�
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  “Enough! Alannah, Joey—”

  “Josephine,” she sneers.

  “Josephine,” he sighs, “is our daughter. Try treating her like one.” Putting the car into park and cutting the engine, he wildly opens his car door and steps out. Following his lead, I do the same and follow him into the house. Turning back toward the car, Mom stares at the two of us with her mouth wide open. I turn my attention back in front of me and head to my cave.

  As soon as I make it to my bed and ease myself down, I hear the front door open before slamming shut. I bet Eve is laughing at me right now for having to be stuck here to deal with her.

  “How dare you!” I hear Mom screech.

  Not wanting to listen to anymore, I pull my iPod and earbuds off my nightstand and turn them on full volume to drown out the fighting floating in the air. I put my music on shuffle, close my eyes, and pretend that nothing else matters. Inside, a little more of me dies.

  After about the fourth song, I feel like someone is watching me. Opening my eyes, my mother is standing at the foot of my bed. Her hands resting on her hips, dark coffee eyes narrowed and small but full lips pursed. I turn my iPod off, remove the buds from my ears, and slowly move myself to a sitting position, wincing as sharp pains spread, reminding me of everything that’s happened. As if I need a reminder.

  “Are you satisfied with yourself?” she whispers harshly, her tears betraying her.

  “What? Satisfied with what?” I ask confused. What the hell is she talking about now?

  “This is all your fault!” she yells. “You killed my baby!” she cries as her verbal vomit smacks me in the face.

  “Don’t you mean babies? Or are you only concerned about Aedan?” I snap. “Let me remind you that Eve did exist. You gave birth to her! To us! She’s gone, too!” Fighting with her is useless. It’s not going to change her perception or feelings of any of this, but the anger rushing through me makes it hard to ignore.