“I mean, I’ll respect whatever you want to do,” he breathed. “But if we can’t take it any farther, we have to stop now. Because if we don’t, I don’t know if I’ll be able to stop later.”
“Oh,” I said as I removed myself from his lap. “Okay.”
I sat on the opposite end of the couch and tied my hair into a ponytail with the hair-tie from my wrist. I took the popcorn bowl off the end table and began to crunch on the contents while I stared at the TV. After he found his shirt and put it back on, I felt his eyes on me. When I looked at him, he was shaking his head at me with a smirk.
I rolled my eyes. “I’m not having sex with you. You have a girlfriend.”
But that wasn’t the only reason. The truth was that I wasn’t going to give up my virginity to someone who didn’t really care about me, or for someone who I had no interest in. Sure, Evan and I were friends, and he’d help me if I were ever in a bind, but he would never go out of his way for me. And the feeling was mutual. Maybe it was the bug thing, but I couldn’t see myself doing anything other than kissing with him.
“I told you, we have an open relationship.” He explained for the thousandth time. “I’ve talked about it with her, and she’s okay with it.”
“Okay, for one thing, that’s weird. And secondly, that doesn’t change the fact that you do have a girlfriend. And thirdly, I’m not going to be someone’s secret mistress.” Without a care, I stuffed another bunch of popcorn into my mouth and focused on the movie.
“But you’re not a secret!”
I looked at him, grinning at how riled up he was getting. He let out a defeated chuckle and shook his head at me again. Then he put his coat on and came over to me, leaning his face into my neck. The wetness of his tongue behind my ear tickled, and I let out a giggle.
“Whoever lands you is going to be one lucky bastard.”
I threw popcorn at him. “Hey! Be nice!”
He laughed as he walked toward the door. “See ya later, Liv.”
Now Evan was here at my house, leaning on the railing of my balcony, waiting for me at the worst possible moment.
“Let me take a guess at what he’s here for,” Logan said sarcastically.
“Logan, I had no idea he would be here. I’m sorry.”
“You know what?” he said as he all but shoved me off of him. “Go. Enjoy yourself. I guess as your friend, I’ll have to get used to this at some point.”
“I don’t want to.”
“You don’t want to what? Go and have some fun? Well, you can’t stay here in this cab all night.”
If I left this cab and went to Evan, it would put a barrier between Logan and me that could never be broken. I couldn’t let that happen. “Come with me.”
His confused face glared at me. “I’m not sure what you want here, but I’m not into dudes. Two girls is fine, but…”
“No! Oh my God. I’m not going to have any ‘fun’ with anybody.” I used my fingers as quotations. “Logan, come with me. Stay with me tonight. I’m going to tell Evan to leave.”
He stayed silent for a moment. “What about your parents?”
“They won’t know. I’ll lock my door. You need someone to take you to get your car in the morning anyway.”
The cab driver grew impatient. “Let’s go! Clock is ticking!”
“Give us a minute!” Logan and I responded together.
Logan glanced out the window at Evan, then back at me. “Liv, I want to. Trust me, it’s all I want to do right now. I just don’t think it’s a good idea.”
My heart stopped. Why? Maybe this was his way of keeping his distance. Of not getting too close. Of not confusing things more than they already are. Then I realized he was right. He was doing what was right for our friendship.
“Okay," I whispered. "I understand."
His jaw clenched. The conflict in his eyes was apparent. He looked out at Evan again and shook his head slightly.
I reached over and embraced him. "Bye, Logan."
He didn't say anything when I let go of him, but his afflicted eyes stayed focused on me. I looked down to break the stare and stepped out of the cab, into the cold, closing the door gently behind me.
Evan had already climbed down from the balcony and stood waiting for me by the front door. I heard the cab drive away as I approached him.
“Evan, what are you doing here?” I asked.
He looked at me apprehensively. “I see my timing sucks right now. Sorry.” He squinted at me. “What happened to your face?”
I stepped past him and began to unlock the door. “Nothing, I’m fine. My parents will be home soon, so you can’t stay.”
“I know. Can I come in for a minute? Just one minute. There’s something I want to tell you.”
The anxiety in his voice caught me off guard. He was normally so calm. “Yeah. Sure. Come on in.”
After taking my coat off and downing two Tylenols with a full glass of water, I took a seat on the couch next to him. It was then that I saw the dark circles under his eyes and the look of sadness in his face.
“Are you okay, Evan?” I asked.
He turned to face me. “My grandmother passed away today.”
“Holy shit, I’m so sorry.” I immediately reached out and pulled him into a tight hug. The tension he was holding relaxed almost instantly.
“It’s okay. It’s for the best,” he said as he released me. “She’s been suffering for a long time. She’s in a better place now.” Seeing the quizzical look in my face, he continued, “She’s the reason I’m here Liv. When I told you I was here helping my family, I meant her. She’s been on hospice for months. My mom couldn’t do it on her own, so I came back to help. Now that she’s gone…”
“You’re leaving,” I finished.
He looked at me and nodded. “I just wanted to say goodbye. Cassie’s flight arrives tomorrow morning. She’ll be here until the funeral, then we’re going back to Denver together. This was the only chance I had to see you.” His expression turned nervous again. “I know it’s shitty timing. Did I fuck things up for you? I saw Logan out in the cab.”
I shifted in my seat. I wasn’t sure this was something I wanted to discuss with Evan. “I don’t know. Some crazy stuff happened tonight with us. He told me things.”
He gave me a knowing look. “He loves you, you know. I can tell by the way he looks at you. And not that I’m complaining because I’ve enjoyed every moment that I’ve spent with you, but I’ve always wondered why you weren’t with him.”
His statement surprised me. “He’s my friend. I’m not going to ruin that.” This conversation was getting way too personal. He nodded, appearing to want to say something else, but decided against it. I stood up from the couch and smiled. “I’m gonna miss you, Evan. Take care, okay?”
He stood and took me by the waist, embracing me tightly. “Take care, Liv.”
Chapter Seventeen
With my eyes wide open, I stared at my alarm clock. An hour had passed since I came to bed, and I had grown frustrated that I couldn’t fall asleep. All I could think about were the events of this night and the things that Logan said to me. I heard the front door open downstairs. Mom and Jeff were home from the pub. After some clinking of dishes for their after-work snack and the sounds of the bathroom medicine cabinet opening and closing, all was silent again. Still, my eyes stayed open.
Another hour passed. I pictured Logan at his apartment. Was he able to fall asleep easily after everything that happened tonight? The look of pain in his face when I left the cab to go to Evan caused a lump in my throat that wouldn’t go away. I wondered what he thought happened between Evan and me tonight.
After another half hour and not an ounce of sleepiness in my system, I sat up in my bed. I needed to do something to stop this gut-wrenching, gnawing sensation in my stomach. So I put my shoes and coat on, grabbed my keys, and walked out of my house.
*
I hesitated before ringing the doorbell of Logan’s apartment. What if he wa
sn’t alone? What if he needed something, or someone, to take away whatever it was he was feeling? I braced myself for what I might see and pushed the button. A loud, irritating, buzzing noise resulted.
A few moments later, the lock unlatched, and the door opened. Logan stood with his hand on the door, and his tired, annoyed look melted when he saw me.
“Hey,” he breathed with relief.
He was shirtless, wearing only sweatpants that hung just low enough to see the V of his lower abdomen. I wanted to run my fingers through his perfectly messed-up hair. The way he squinted at me from the light in the hallway created an expression that was irresistible.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
I nodded. “I couldn’t sleep.”
He continued to stare into my eyes, the way he does, keeping his distance with his hand holding the door and his expression not changing. I hadn’t planned what I would say and now I wish I had because I was drawing a complete blank.
“Me neither.” He mumbled as if he were saying it to himself. He looked down at what I was wearing and the corners of his mouth turned up slightly. I hadn’t thought about changing into clothes before I left my house. I was still in my pajamas. “Spur of the moment decision, huh?”
I shrugged.
He opened the door a little farther and motioned for me to come in. He followed me up the stairs and into his apartment. The stove light from the kitchen and the streetlights coming through the window in the living room were the only things illuminating the space. I took my coat off and placed it on the arm of the couch as he closed the door, then he walked toward me, stopping a foot in front of me. We stared at each other for a moment.
“Nothing happened with Evan,” I blurted out.
His eyebrows pulled together. “Okay.”
“I don’t know why I’m here,” I confessed. “I guess I just felt like I needed to be here right now.”
He took a breath. “Okay.”
It took all my strength to muster up the courage to say the next thing. “I don’t want to lose you. If things change. If we change…” Tears welled in my eyes at the thought of that very thing occurring. “It just can’t happen, Logan.” Being this close to him, and seeing the way he was looking at me, I could no longer control the fear inside of me, and I began to tremble. I had been able to hold myself together rather well until now. Something about being near him caused my strength to crumble. My head dropped as tears trickled out of my eyes.
He pulled me into his arms and held me while I let out everything I had been holding in. After a few moments, he released me and cupped my cheeks with both hands, bringing my gaze back to his. His eyes glossed over as his thumbs wiped my tears away. “Don’t cry,” he whispered. “It kills me to see you cry.” He leaned down and kissed my forehead, lingering there for a moment. Then, he gently kissed my eyelids, one after the other. My tears ceased, and my breathing became shallow. His touch felt amazing.
He pulled away and looked at me with a compassionate smile when he saw that I had stopped. “Let’s talk later. You’re exhausted. You need some sleep.”
He took my hand and led me to his bedroom. Music played through the speaker on his bedside table. He sat me down on the bed, then lifted my foot, removed my shoe, and repeated the process with the other foot.
“This song is beautiful,” I said.
He hesitated. “It makes me think of you.” I couldn’t hold back the grin that formed on my face from his words. When he saw my expression, he relaxed. “I’d do anything for that smile.” He pulled down the bedding. “Lay down. Get some rest.” He rose up and began walking towards the door, turning to face me just before he exited the room. “I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Where are you gonna sleep?” I asked, confused.
“The couch. It’s fine. I don’t mind.”
I knew how selfish I was for what I would say next but I couldn’t help it. I needed him. “Please stay here.”
His expression became apprehensive. “I shouldn’t.” He sighed and bowed his head, shaking it slightly. “But I can’t seem to say no to you.” He looked back into my eyes. “I don’t want to say no.”
“So say yes,” I pleaded.
As I stared into his brooding eyes and waited for his answer, the song repeated from the beginning and the lyrics shouted an unspoken question. It asked about the future. It asked about belonging. It spoke of everything in the world going away, and finding solace in the person you love.
His expression turned decisive, and he walked back to the bed. He slowly pulled the covers up and slid under them, next to me. I nuzzled my head in the soft spot between his chest and shoulder and placed my arm around his middle, sticking my cold hand between his warm body and the mattress.
His heart pounded hard in my ear as his arms folded over me. Being this close to him…touching him exhilarated me, while at the same time, I became immersed in a feeling of tranquility. His warmth comforted me and within minutes, I drifted to sleep.
*
“Liv, wake up,” Logan whispered softly. A hum came out of my throat as I shifted off his shoulder and turned away from him, burrowing my face in the cool pillow beside us. The soft fabric smelled like Logan. I took one more deep, heavenly breath in. How long had I been asleep? Based on my current comatose state, not long. His hand casually brushed up and down my arm. “You’ve got to see this.”
Intrigued, my eyes cracked open, just enough to see the blurry orange and purple hues reflect on the bare walls of Logan’s bedroom. His fingers brushed my hair off my face and behind my ear.
“Open your eyes, baby. It’s beautiful.”
He called me baby.
I turned to face him as I opened my eyes, confused and unexpectedly delighted by his term of endearment. When my eyes finally focused and saw his beautiful face lit up by the colors of the sunrise, my bewilderment grew incredibly. His eyes glowed as he studied me. I had never seen him look this peaceful and content. He smiled at my expression then huffed out a single laugh.
“It slipped,” he said as if he read my mind. “Get over it.”
He moved off the bed and leisurely walked to the window, placing his wrist on the window frame above his head and his other hand on his hip, as he gazed out with a more contemplative expression. Then he turned to face me and the corners of his mouth turned up slightly. He extended his hand, motioning for me to join him.
I didn’t need to see the sunrise. The beautiful man that stood before me, bare chested and painted in colors was enough. I couldn’t take my eyes off him. His smile faded as he dropped his arm to his side, and he stared at me for a moment. Slowly, as the melancholy grew in his eyes, his breathing became heavier. “I don’t know what the hell to think when you look at me like that, Liv. Everything about that look says you want me. That you need me, like I need you. But something tells me you’d freak if I tried anything with you right now. I’ve never been so fucking confused in my life.”
Shit. I tried to snap myself out if it, but I still couldn’t look away. I was being unfair to him. He deserved so much better than me, so much more. He deserved the world. He deserved something I couldn’t give him. I sat up with my feet dropping down to the floor. He deserved an explanation.
I stood and walked towards him, resisting the urge to throw my arms around him and give in to the passion he ignited in me. Instead, my fingers found his, and we laced them together. “There are no happy endings, Logan. Someone always gets hurt. It’s inevitable.” I fought the lump in my throat with an artificial smile. “The only way to prevent the hurt…is by not starting. It can’t end if it doesn’t start, right?”
His fingers grazed my cheek, “Don’t you think it’s too late for that? It already started, Liv. It started the day I laid eyes on you. How can you not see that?”
Tears welled in my eyes. When he saw my expression, he dropped his hand to his side and let out a breath through his nose. “I would love to get my hands on the asshole that hurt you.”
I fin
ally gazed out the window. I had never seen a sunrise like this one before. It was magical. The blue shade of the industrial buildings contrasted the orange sun peeking out above them. The orange was surrounded by a dark pink dome, with a deep purple sky above.
I gazed up at him. "This is perfect,” I breathed. “Please tell me it won't end. Promise me." I knew I was forcing him to make a promise he couldn't keep. I didn't care. I wanted to hear it.
"What are you talking about? Promise you what won't end?"
"This…us…Just promise me it will stay like this."
I saw the resistance in his eyes. He took my face in his hands. "I promise I will do anything to make you happy, Liv."
"This makes me happy. The way we are right now."
The distress in his face intensified. After a moment, he pulled me to him, enveloping me in his arms. He kissed the top of my head. "Then yes, I promise, it won't end."
I knew it was a lie. Everything ends in one way or another, but I didn't think he knew it yet. It didn't matter because right now, at this very moment, it was what I needed to hear, in exactly the way I needed to hear it.
Chapter Eighteen
The door chimed as I entered the coffee shop down the road from school. I hadn’t gotten much sleep lately, and I needed the caffeine to get me going this morning. It had been a few days since the night I stayed with Logan, and although we still talked every day, I couldn’t help but feel there was something missing. There was an obscure distance between us that we couldn’t seem to shake.
In a zombie-like state, I wandered to the end of the line to wait for my turn. I vaguely noticed the man ahead of me move forward a step, and I instinctively followed. The door chimed again. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed the man in front of me turn around to peer at the door. Then, I felt his eyes on me.
My gaze traveled from his dark tailored pants, up to his black wool button down coat. A white collar and tie stuck out the top. Then I noticed a familiar white dimpled smile and light brown hair tucked behind his ears.
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