Searching Hearts Box Set: Books 1-5

by St. Clair, Ellie

  Daniel did not want to allow any feelings to continue growing for his wife, which meant that the less he saw of her, the better. If she were not in his company, then he would not have to battle the unwanted, unwelcome feelings that had been rising of late. Although he sorely wished her eyes were not such an unusual shade, that they were not so mesmerizing.

  He had always thought, since their first meeting, that Christina was not a particular beauty but, ever since the day he’d seen her step into the church in her wedding finery, he’d struggled not to think of her subdued beauty during quiet moments — and he hated that weakness within him.

  “I understand, Daniel,” Christina said, slowly, her eyes searching his own as her anger seemed to fade away, replaced with a deep sadness that Daniel knew he was responsible for. “I just wondered if we ought to be seen by the ton since we have not been out together yet.”

  He shrugged. “I care very little for the ton and what they think, Lady Christina,” he replied, turning his head away from her so that he could pick up one of the many sheets of paper on his desk, letting his eyes fall on the words but not managing to read it while Christina was in the room with him, distracting him. “Besides, I am sure they will believe us to be enjoying one another’s company, if you get my meaning.”

  He hated the heat that climbed up his spine and rushed into his neck and face as he spoke. He had intended to be matter of fact but now, it appeared, he was embarrassed to be mentioning such a thing to his wife. Slowly, he let his gaze slide from the paper up toward her, only to see that she had dropped her eyes to the carpet, her cheeks a dark pink. Perhaps this would be the end of the matter. Perhaps he had embarrassed her enough that she might take her leave of his company. He could only hope. Alas, Christina was a straightforward sort of woman.

  “And when are you going to enjoy my company, Daniel?”

  Her quiet words stunned him, the paper sliding from his fingers as he stared at her in shock.

  “I have been waiting for you,” she said, frankly. “It has been weeks and you have still not come to consummate our marriage.”

  Daniel felt his mouth go dry as he stared at his wife, seeing the steadiness in her gaze as she spoke. He certainly had never expected her to discuss this with him, and he wasn’t quite sure what to make of it or how to respond.

  “I want you to come to my bed, Daniel — or, if you wish, I will come to yours, you need only ask me.”

  “Why?”

  His voice was hoarse, his palms growing sweaty as he pressed them together under the table. The thought of having Christina in his bed had, of course, occurred to him more than once. He had wanted to go to her, had found himself thinking of her, desiring her, but he had never acted on those thoughts. It would be wrong, he’d told himself, for he was beginning to feel something for her, something he didn’t want to admit. To love her physically would not only draw her closer, but it could push Laura out of his heart entirely.

  Recently his thoughts of her were slowly fading. A couple of days would go by and he’d be sitting by the fire, drinking brandy, only to realize that he couldn’t remember her face anymore and that he’d not had a single thought about her in as many days.

  Shame burned through him.

  “We are husband and wife,” Christina began, spreading her hands as though this ought to be a simple matter for him to understand. “It is something I expect and something I believe you confirmed to me would occur should we marry. How else are you to beget an heir?” She looked at him carefully, her eyes narrowing just a little. “Is there something wrong with me?”

  “No, no,” Daniel exclaimed, his gaze traveling down the length of his wife, taking in her gentle curves and finding himself wondering what she would feel like underneath his hands. “No, it is not you. It is just that I have not wanted to …importune you.”

  Even as he made his excuse, Daniel knew it was a poor one and, from the look in Christina’s eyes, she knew it was a lie.

  “Whatever your reason, Daniel, I would like to have this marriage consummated, so that there can be nothing to separate us. I would … I would like to bear a child.” She gave him a small, shy, imploring smile, her cheeks still reddening as she spoke. “I thought that, perhaps if we spent a little more time together, got to know one another a bit better, you might be more willing to come to my bed.”

  The hope in her expression poured guilt onto him in waves. He had neglected her in so many ways but even still, the thought of going to her, to make love to her, terrified him. He didn’t want to feel anything for her, didn’t want to forget Laura or to open himself up to the risk of losing someone he loved again. And yet, she was right in that it was his duty to consummate this marriage and to hopefully conceive an heir.

  He hated the desire that began to pool in him as Christina looked at him with those gentle gray eyes of hers, a few tendrils of her fair hair whisping around her temples as she studied him.

  “Y-yes, well,” he stammered, clearing his throat. “I will certainly think about it.”

  It was clearly not the answer she’d been hoping for, and the light in her eyes faded to nothing.

  “If you will excuse me,” Daniel muttered, leaning forward over his papers and knowing full well that he was pushing her away. “I am sure we can talk another time about these matters, Lady Christina.”

  “Very well, Daniel,” she murmured, turning away from him and making her way toward the door. “As you wish it.”

  “Enjoy your stroll.”

  She paused. “I will, thank you. And, Daniel…”

  There was a pronounced silence and, despite his determination not to do so, Daniel looked up at his bride. She was standing at the door, one hand on the handle and the other loose by her side. There was something like pain burning in her eyes, but also a glint of determination. There was no smile on her lips as she looked at him steadily.

  “You are my husband, Daniel. I will be ‘Christina’ to you, not ‘Lady Christina.’ It is much too formal and certainly not something that I will tolerate any longer. You are trying to keep me at arm’s length, I know, but there is no need for such formality.”

  It was not a question but a statement, and Daniel found himself staring after his wife as the door closed behind her. She knew what he was doing, knew full well that he did not want her company nor her support in his endeavors, and yet she was bearing it with good grace, and quite fairly pushing him for more.

  Guilt rippled through him once more. He ought to have said yes, ought to have stepped away from his desk to take a walk with his wife, even if it were only for half an hour. She was right that they should show the ton that they were wonderfully happy in their hasty marriage, but Daniel found that he wanted to go with her simply to bring a smile to her face.

  “And that is precisely the reason that I will stay where I am,” he said aloud, one hand curling into a fist as he slammed it down, hard, onto the table. “Enough of this nonsense, Daniel. Leave your wife to live her own life, and you concentrate on your own.”

  Frowning, Daniel leaned over his desk and tried to review his documents, only to discover that his eyes would not focus. He could not so much as read a single word, tortured as he was by conflicting thoughts and feelings over his wife.

  Groaning aloud, Daniel set his head down on the desk and squeezed his eyes closed. A familiar vision came to his mind, the vision of Laura walking just ahead of him, laughing softly as she strolled along a path surrounded by bright yellow daffodils.

  Except, when she turned to face him, it was no longer Laura’s face that he saw. It was Christina’s.

  14

  When Daniel thought of all the places in the world he could be at this very moment, a picnic in Hyde Park with his wife, his sister and her husband, and what seemed to be half the ton looking on was near the bottom of his list.

  Had Polly addressed her note to him asking them to attend, he would have refused before he had even reached the end of it. But no, his sister was much smarter than th
at, and instead had sent it to Christina, who very gladly accepted on their behalf. He had told her in no uncertain terms that he would not be attending, but when she told him she would ask Lord Hudson to escort her, and wouldn’t that give the ton something to talk about, he finally resigned himself to the fact that he would be spending a day outdoors with some of the worst people in all of London.

  Though he had to admit, his wife certainly seemed happy. Christina, Polly, and Lady Beatrice were chatting away animatedly in front of him, while Daniel brooded as Hudson and his brother-in-law, Lord Taylor, spoke around him.

  “Ravenhall, it is jolly good to see you out and about,” said Taylor. “We are family, it’s true, and yet I feel as though I hardly know you. Why, Polly says—”

  Daniel shot him a withering glare that quelled any further conversation. He had little interest in what Polly had to say. He knew his sister, the youngest and therefore the one who didn’t even remember Daniel as a child, found him somewhat fascinating, a fact which disconcerted him.

  Taylor forged on. “Yes. Well, that is to say—”

  “If you will excuse me, gentlemen, I must speak with my wife.”

  Daniel increased his speed, quickly reaching the women, and he leaned down to speak into Christina’s ear.

  “Lady Ravenhall, would you allow me to escort you the rest of the way?” he asked, gesturing down the path they were to travel to reach the picnic destination.

  Her eyes widened, and he realized she had never known the Daniel who could flirt, who enjoyed the small, trivial things that seemed to matter to his peers.

  “Of course,” she responded, her hand coming to his arm as they broke away slightly from the other women.

  “Thank you for agreeing to come,” she said, though he knew she was fully aware he had no intentions of attending until she had forced his hand. “I do appreciate the opportunity to better get to know your family and to spend more time at events.”

  “Yes. Well,” he shrugged. “This will not be a typical occurrence, you do understand? At some point, I will be returning to the country. Though if you would like to stay in London, I suppose it could be arranged.”

  She turned her serene stare upon him and shook her head. “No, Daniel, I think it is better that we reside together.”

  “Very well,” he said with a shrug, though why she was adamant about this, he wasn’t sure. “Once this threat is gone, then we will return to the country. You’ll like my estate, I think. It’s fairly peaceful, and the villagers are welcoming. Hopefully, you shouldn’t be bored.”

  “No,” she said with a shake of her head. “I enjoy taking care of a household and living in the country. I look forward to it.”

  “Good,” he said, before lapsing into silence, unsure of what else to say to her.

  “Daniel,” she began, and he nearly groaned aloud. This was why he kept his distance. While she was practical, she also liked to put everything out into the open between them, while he preferred to tamp down whatever he was feeling. But, fortunately, she kept emotions out of this particular conversation. “Tell me more of your ... work. I mean, I know that you have these houses for women and children, but what else do you do?”

  He sighed, wondering how much to tell her, but, seeing she was truly interested, he began.

  “You know the circumstances that began my interest in seeing others find justice,” he said, his face grim. “It began when I was … at a low point, and leaving a club in St. Giles one night. It was shortly after Laura’s death, and I didn’t know what to do, where to go. So for a time I did what most men did, drowned myself in drink. Although I was on the hunt for Northcliffe, he seemingly had disappeared. Anyway, I walked out into the street and there was a young woman carrying a child, running as though her life depended on getting away. Which it did.”

  He cleared his throat, feeling the intensity of Christina’s captivated stare.

  “Her husband was chasing her, and he had nearly caught her, but I stumbled into his path accidentally. He ran into me and we both fell in the mud. He was momentarily stunned, and I picked up the woman and lifted her and the child into my waiting carriage so they could escape him. But when I asked her where to go, she gave her home address — right back to where the bastard lived. You see, she hadn’t anywhere else to go. He drank too much, he was abusive, but if she left him, she would starve. So I allowed her to come back to my townhouse. Gave them both something to eat and told her she couldn’t go back, couldn’t allow her child to be raised in such a house. But then I faced the dilemma of what to do with her. And so—” He raised his hands in front of him. “That’s how it began. Typically, it’s women and children. Sometimes orphans, sometimes entire families who need shelter, or anyone who needs someone to help them out of their current situations. And then I keep them from ever being hurt by the same person again if required. If they have been wronged, I make things right.”

  She turned sharply to look at him but didn’t ask any questions, apparently not wanting to know any more, which he was happy about. Somehow, telling her and her good soul about his darkness in the brilliant light of the day seemed wrong.

  Christina was quiet for a moment, and he wondered what she was thinking of him and his work. Would she judge him for it? Did she think him too high a peer for doing what he did? Could she—?

  “I think what you do for those people is admirable,” she said, looking at him with wonder. “Not many people would give their time or their wealth to such a cause.”

  “Hudson does most of the work,” he said with a shrug, not wanting her praise. He helped others, sure, but he did it to help himself feel better.

  “Even still,” she said with a smile and patted his hand. “You’re a good person, Daniel.”

  “I wish you wouldn’t say that to me,” he said, grimacing, hoping to keep her from furthering the subject.

  “Truly,” she said. “I know there is some darkness inside you, but nothing that can’t be recovered from.”

  He sighed as he looked around, glad when he realized they’d reached the picnic site. His sister came bounding up behind them, her smile alighting on Christina.

  “We have the perfect place for ourselves,” she said with a grin and led them over to where her maid was laying out a blanket. Polly sat next to her husband, and Daniel led Christina over to occupy space next to Lady Beatrice.

  “No,” she whispered to him. “Allow Lord Hudson to sit next to her.”

  He was taken aback by her comment, but he looked up to see Hudson sending a wink his way, and suddenly he was aware of the way the two of them stared at one another. Well, well, it seemed Hudson was smitten with the Lady Beatrice. She was a stunning woman, to be sure, tiny, with dark, good looks, but Daniel found no attraction to her whatsoever. No, it seemed he now preferred women with sandy blonde hair that glowed in the sun, who had curves that fit beautifully into his hands. He wanted Christina. The thought punched him in the gut, and when he looked down at her, he felt a stirring within him.

  No, Daniel, he warned himself, pushing the lust back, and sat down next to her for the lunch.

  Alas, it was torture. She was so near him, and she kept leaning over his lap for various dainties and sandwiches. A couple of times, he nearly groaned aloud. When he saw Hudson give him a knowing look, he frowned at him, causing his friend to laugh.

  “What is it?” Lady Beatrice asked, to which Hudson shook his head.

  “Nothing at all,” he said. “Just having a bit of fun at my friend, here.”

  “At Daniel?” Polly said, wide-eyed. “Daniel never has fun.”

  “Hush, love,” said Taylor, to Daniel’s great relief.

  Taking note that they had finished their food, Daniel stood and announced he was going for a walk to further explore these particular gardens.

  “I’ll accompany you,” Christina said, beginning to rise, but Daniel held up a hand.

  “I’m fine alone,” he said, but when he felt five pairs of accusing eyes trained on him,
he nodded in agreement.

  “It is lovely here, isn’t it?” Christina asked as they began.

  He nodded again, rather stupidly. Her close proximately wasn’t helping matters, as he was trying to thrust her and her luscious body from his thoughts.

  “I suppose,” he finally answered, as they pushed deeper into the trees, away from the eyes of society. He didn’t want to be under scrutiny as he spoke to his wife. But now that they were well away, completely alone under the canopy of trees, he realized he had no desire to talk. No, he wanted to do far more than that.

  Turning so suddenly that Christina let out a gasp, he pulled her to him, his hands cradling her face and tilting her chin up toward him. His lips met hers hurriedly, and she gave a slight moan of pleasure that sent heat streaking through him.

  “Christina,” he murmured, his hands roaming over her, seeking out satiny, velvety skin that seemed to be calling to him. Her hands came to his elbows, pulling him closer, her lips and tongue, while inexperienced, drawing him in further to her depths. He felt her ample chest against him, and he wanted to release her breasts and see how they would look in the sunlight.

  This pleasure could be had all the time, a little voice told him, but he tried to shut that voice away and concentrate on the moment itself. He deepened the kiss, suddenly taking control as he swept his tongue over hers. So many nights the thought of Christina in her bed just down the hallway tortured him, and now that the door had opened, all of the pent-up passion he had restrained came pouring out into the kiss. He had known he wanted Christina, he just didn't realize how badly he did.

  Suddenly nearby laughter broke through his consciousness, and the realization of where they were came rushing back. Good Lord, he’d just about taken his wife here in the middle of Hyde Park.

  “Christina, I am so sorry,” he said, raking a hand through his hair.

  “There are many things to be sorry for,” she said quietly. “But that is not one of them. Come to my bed, Daniel,” she whispered, and before he could say anything in response, she was gone.