Searching Hearts Box Set: Books 1-5

by St. Clair, Ellie

  “He knew who I was and where to find me,” Christina continued softly. “He — he frightened me.”

  Daniel swallowed hard, fear and anger fighting to take control of him, but he knew it was more important to be there for Christina.

  “He said to tell you that he had been called away from London for a time on business, but that he has returned again with no intention of leaving, despite your threats.” Christina lifted her head and looked up at him, and Daniel saw how she tried valiantly to keep her chin from quivering as her eyes searched his for reassurance. “How did he know who I was?”

  Drawing in a long breath, Daniel let it out slowly as he tried to stay as calm as he could. “He will have made it his business to find out. Lord Northcliffe and I … we have been something of competitors since our school days as boys. We were consistently besting one another. When I fell for Laura, I didn’t know that he had already developed affections for her. Apparently, that was just more than he could take. Anyway, I’m not sure what further I can do to keep him away until I can prove to the rest of society what he has done.”

  “I — I was afraid of him,” Christina admitted, biting her lip. “I didn’t know what to do, but luckily Lady Beatrice arrived and Lord Northcliffe seemed to vanish.”

  “Why did you not speak of this before now?” he asked, confused now. “Lord Hudson knows Lord Northcliffe, and he would have understood your need to tell me everything.”

  She shook her head, her eyes drifting closed. “I did not want him to see me upset,” she replied, her head now leaning on his shoulder again, her breath whispering across his neck. “I wanted only to speak to you.”

  There was such vulnerability in her words, in her openness, that Daniel could not help but respond, and warmth spread through his body in the knowledge that he was the one she trusted. His arms tightened around her in a sudden, fierce possessiveness, his eyes closing as he battled the emotions running wild through him. There rose in him such a ruthless protectiveness that he felt as though it might take charge of him completely, in his anger that Northcliffe had chosen to frighten Christina as a way to get at Daniel.

  “This is not your fault,” Christina whispered, her hands reaching up to slide around his neck, her fingers threading through his hair. “Do not blame yourself, Daniel.”

  He couldn’t speak for a moment, his blood pounding wildly as he fought the furious desire rushing through him, the desire that swept all other emotions away. He wanted to remain angry with Lord Northcliffe, wanted to stay enraged with him what he had done, but all he could think was just how much he wanted his wife.

  She stilled in his arms as he lowered his head, brushing her temple with his lips while inwardly cursing himself. He knew he had to bed her, but this was not how he’d intended to do it. There had been the thought that he’d remain entirely aloof, as though he’d be able to separate his heart from his body as he lay with her, but he couldn’t ignore the deep, unquenchable emotion that filled him. He was fond of his wife, he realized, otherwise he would not be so upset by what she had told him. He was angry that Lord Northcliffe had frightened Christina, that he’d used her as a pawn in whatever cruel game he was playing — but the urge to protect Christina, to reassure her and take away her fear, grew with every second that he held her in his arms and became more important than any vengeance.

  He stepped away, suddenly desperate to break their connection. He couldn’t do this. Not now, not when he had lost all control over his emotions.

  Christina looked up at him, her face filled with confusion, her arms falling to her sides. She swallowed hard, her lips trembling as a sheen came over her eyes, more tears threatening to fall from them.

  “Daniel,” she whispered, stepping toward him. “Don’t turn away from me. Don’t fight what you feel.”

  Daniel wanted to say no, wanted to leave her, but it was as if an invisible cord pulled him toward his wife, to her lush beauty, her caring heart, her practical, rational mind. Closing his eyes, he fought hard, but it was of no use. He had to surrender to what he felt.

  Without thinking about what he was doing, he stepped toward her suddenly and slammed his mouth down over hers. The passion that swiftly took over surprised him and Christina responded to him in kind, her body shivering as he held her tightly.

  If you give into this desire, then nothing will ever be the same again.

  He ignored the voice inside his head, forgot the memory of his first love and his fear of loving again, and chose to let his desire overrule it all. The feeling of her lips on his burned hot fire through his body, and Daniel knew he was lost.

  His hands began to roam up her back, his lips leaving her mouth to touch the curve of her throat. She gasped, and one of her hands tightened around his neck. He didn’t stop, couldn’t stop, but instead lifted her bodily into his arms and strode from the room and up the stairs.

  17

  Her bedchamber was warm, with only a few candles and a fire burning in the hearth. Daniel did not put Christina down until he reached her bed, easing her back gently as he kissed her again.

  There was no need to ask her if she wanted this, not when he heard her quiet moan as he ran his hand down the length of her body. Reminding himself that she was innocent, Daniel lifted himself up from her for a moment, looking down into her eyes as they fluttered open.

  “Don’t leave me, Daniel,” she whispered, her eyes bright in the candlelight. “Please, don’t leave me. Not now. I need you.”

  His heart cried out that he needed her just as much, but he did not say a word to her. Instead, he pushed his hands into her hair, marveling at how easily it came free of the long braid she’d tied it in. It was lit by the flames in the grate, shimmering with gold and bronze, and he savored the feel of the silken strands running through his fingers as he spread her hair out across the bed.

  Goodness, she was glorious.

  His fingers found the buttons of her nightgown and, without hesitating, he began to pluck them open. Christina inhaled sharply as his hands touched the bare flesh beneath. Desire burned through him as he let his mouth trail down her neck, her collarbone and, finally, to her breasts.

  Christina nearly came off the bed as he touched her, her mouth opening but no sound coming out from it. Never before had he wanted a woman so badly, and he was suddenly desperate to see her in all of her naked glory.

  “Take it off,” he growled, sitting up to unbutton his shirt. She looked at him with wide eyes, her hair tumbling around her shoulders as she sat up.

  “Don’t hide from me,” he muttered as she clutched at her breasts. He knew he should be softer with her, whisper tender words that would make her feel comfortable, but he was so overcome that it didn’t seem as if he could say anything to convey how he felt. “You are my wife. Take your nightgown off.”

  Daniel saw her eyes narrow and he thought perhaps he would hear more of her thoughts regarding his commands later, but at this point, he no longer cared, so desperate was he. He did not ask again but continued to divest himself of his clothing, aware of her quiet gasp as the last of his undergarments were flung to the floor.

  Remember, she is untouched.

  The reminder had him stilling, looking over at his now naked wife, seeing the trepidation mixed with desire in her eyes.

  “You don’t need to be afraid,” he said slowly, trying to be patient in order to calm her fears as he climbed back onto the bed and settled himself beside her instead of atop. “I’m aware this is new for you, but I’ll make it good for you — I promise.”

  She swallowed, turning her head to look into his eyes as he let his hand trail across her breasts, and his body roared to life once more. He could not look away as he let his hand reach farther down her soft skin, wanting to see the expression on her face as he touched her very core.

  She jerked, her face burning with color and her eyes widening as he pressed his finger against her soft folds.

  “Daniel! I — I’m not sure—”

  “There
is nothing shameful in what you feel,” he said softly, trying his best to rein in his burning passion before he took her without any consideration for her own enjoyment. “You are so beautiful, Christina.”

  He was shocked when tears fell from her eyes as they closed, and he lifted his hand from her, his passion ebbing away as he heard her sob.

  “Christina,” he breathed, not quite sure what to say. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean….”

  She shook her head, opening her eyes and grasping his hand, bringing it to her mouth before pressing a gentle kiss to his knuckles. “I’m sorry, Daniel. It’s just that—” She broke off and sat up, looking away from him for a moment as she seemed to attempt to regain her composure. “It is just that no one has ever said that to me before. My father has always told me that I am barely tolerable, so to hear those words from your lips — whether you mean them or not — well, it means more than you know.”

  A surge of anger burst through Daniel’s heart as he took in Christina’s soft, sad smile, and he thought how unjust it was that no one had appreciated her beauty before.

  “Of course I mean it,” he replied, gently reaching to brush away her tears and marveling at how soft she was beneath his touch. “Just look at you, Christina. You are glorious.”

  She smiled at him then, her tears diminishing, and she was the only woman present in Daniel’s thoughts as he considered that he had never seen someone so lovely before. As they looked into one another’s eyes, Daniel felt his heart break open, the pain and grief of the past beginning to wash away as the affection he saw in Christina’s gaze swept a sense of healing into him.

  Christina kissed him then, taking him by surprise. Leaning forward, she let herself settle against him, and, with a tug, Daniel pulled her on top of himself. She did not gasp, did not cry out, but continued to let her lips rove over him, becoming the aggressor as she leaned down so that her breasts were pressed against his chest.

  He drank her in, his hands running over her gentle curves as his hardness now pressed against her soft entrance. He found himself aching for her, and he forced himself to remain still while she explored his body, though her actions only tantalized him all the more.

  Her hips moved and Daniel groaned, aware of Christina’s surprise — although whether that was from his ferocity or her own mounting pleasure, he could not say. His blood surged as she sat up, looking down at him as her fingers skimmed lightly down over his chest.

  Her skin seemed to glow in the firelight, her hair falling down about her shoulders and breasts. She was a goddess. Daniel reached out one hand and carefully pressed it between where their bodies met, hearing her explosive intake of breath as he touched her again.

  “Give in to it,” he murmured, as she began to rock of her own accord. “Don’t hold yourself back.”

  It took all of his strength not to lift her up and impale her on his member, but Daniel forced himself to wait until she reached her crescendo. Her eyes were closed, her head thrown back and, as he continued his ministrations, her body tensed.

  A loud moan emanated from her throat, and her breathing became as ragged as his. With his other hand, he reached up to caress one of her breasts. Even lost in the sensations, he heard her cry out in release. Wrapping his arms around her, he rested her back on the bed and, without hesitating, pushed himself inside.

  She cried out, her face wracked in pain, and Daniel remained still for a moment, as much as it tortured him.

  “It will pass in a moment,” he said softly, aware that her pain would be sharp but that it shouldn’t linger.

  “You are mine now, Christina,” he said more fiercely now, overcome by the euphoria that rushed over him at the thought.

  Her eyes fluttered open, and she looked into his face, her pained expression slowly fading.

  “You are so beautiful,” he whispered again, knowing what the words meant to her as he ran one finger lightly down her cheek and began to move slowly, wave after wave of bliss rippling through him. He had not allowed himself this release for years and found moans escaping from his mouth just as they had done from Christina’s.

  The pleasure built with an intensity he had never before experienced, his body tightening as he struggled to keep control of himself. Stars exploded in his mind as he gripped the sheets on either side of her head, and he opened his eyes to drink her in before, finally, his body bucked and writhed, and he pushed his seed into her.

  He had done it. Their marriage was consummated at last — and yet, deep within him, Daniel felt a desire for Christina begin to build in him again. It was as though his passions could not be sated by one single encounter, as though he would need her again and again.

  Slowly drawing back, he lay down next to his wife, knowing she was studying him but finding himself unable to return her gaze, afraid of what he would see in her eyes. Looking up at the top of her four-poster bed, Daniel felt Christina curl up next to him, her head resting on his shoulder and one arm thrown across his chest.

  “I love you, Daniel,” she told him softly.

  He froze, staring unblinkingly at one of the bedposts. Had he truly just heard those words from her? Or had they been in his own imagination?

  Had they been the memory of Laura whispering those very same words into his ear?

  Closing his eyes, Daniel felt his body cool, his shame beginning to mount an assault upon him once more. He had taken Christina to bed, but he had let his emotions roam free as he had done so. He had allowed himself to feel, to grow warm with affection for the lady who now lay drifting to sleep beside him.

  He had betrayed all the promises he had made to himself, and he groaned in realization of the folly of his actions. This was why he had kept his distance, what he was afraid could happen.

  Out of nowhere, Hudson’s words echoed through his mind. She is no longer with you, Daniel. You have every right to fall in love with your wife.

  He closed his eyes tightly, reaching to pull the sheet up around Christina. He did not want to feel anything for her, not when he had vowed never to love another. And it wasn’t fair for her to love him, either, for it would only set her up for heartbreak. This was wrong. He was bringing shame to Laura’s memory, was forgetting his promises.

  Slipping out of bed, he looked down at Christina, seeing her blonde tresses spread out across the pillow behind her. He’d meant it when he’d told her she was beautiful, and anger still niggled him over what her father had told her. Even now, after falling into an exhausted sleep, she was lovely. Daniel could not remember ever seeing something so exquisite.

  And yet, he had to turn away from her. Until he had found justice for Laura’s death, he could never allow himself to forget his first love, nor the vows he had made. Christina would just have to understand that. She could never mean anything to him.

  All he had to do was force himself to believe it.

  18

  When she awoke only a few hours later, Christina had been disheartened to discover that Daniel was no longer in her bed. The place where he’d lain was cold, meaning he’d left her chamber some time ago.

  Her heart had grown heavy, and tears began to leak down her cheeks until she finally fell into a fitful sleep for a few hours, only to wake with a pounding head and an aching chest.

  Now, dressed and eating breakfast, she reflected on all that had taken place last evening. She had never meant to seduce Daniel, but she had sought him out to tell him of her encounter with Lord Northcliffe, and, she realized, to seek comfort.

  They had, after far too long, consummated their marriage, but it had turned out to be so much more than that. When their bodies joined in union with one another, she thought that finally, she had broken through the wall he’d built around himself, that she had found a place in his heart, regardless of the past. She had thought that the man she had seen last evening was the man she’d known dwelt underneath all that silence. He had been warm and tender, passionate and gentle as he’d led her through her first experience of lovemaking. Her emotion
s had roared to life as he’d touched her, and she had been shocked to find herself in the throes of passion as she opened herself up to reveal all she felt.

  And now, this morning, she felt alive yet broken. As she sat here alone, she wondered if it had all been nothing more than imaginings created inside her head. Daniel had found physical satisfaction with her, to be sure, but meanwhile, she had completely and utterly lost her heart. How, she didn’t know. He was rude, callous, standoffish, and yet there were times when she saw a completely different side of him. She saw the man who cared more for helping those in need than inheriting a dukedom. Sometimes, when Daniel didn’t know she was looking, Christina saw the haunted look pass over his face, as though he was struggling to keep from giving in to the darkness that threatened. And still, he took on the role of protector of others, put his family above all — why, he had married her in order to keep his family name intact as well as to continue his work. Somehow, she had found her way through a tiny gap in the wall he had built around his heart.

  It seemed that the love she’d felt burning into her soul was not an affection that would ever be returned. That, she now knew for certain. Daniel would not give himself to her completely, not when he still held Laura in his heart and mind. It was as if he could not give his first love up, could not allow himself to let go of the past. His loss of her had consumed him, had taken him over so that the only emotions he seemed to be capable of feeling were rage and a terrible, consuming thirst for justice.

  Christina would have to live her life knowing that the man she’d fallen in love with would never love her in return. He would give himself to her in the throes of passion but would leave her bed as quickly as he could, returning to his distant form. Did he imagine he was with another? The thought made her physically sick, and she couldn’t touch the food on the plate in front of her. Could she truly live with such a man, who would cast away her love with such callousness?