Searching Hearts Box Set: Books 1-5

by St. Clair, Ellie

  Carefully, Daniel knelt in front of his wife, cradling her hands in his and refusing to move, not even when she flinched at his touch. She had to know that he was here, had to know that he was not about to leave her side until he’d told her all he had to say.

  24

  “Christina,” he said, slowly. “My love for you has been growing steadily in the depths of my heart and I have simply refused to allow myself to see it. I hid it away, drowned it as best I could and yet still, it remained.”

  She said nothing, simply stared blankly at the fleur-de-lis pattern on the wall across from her.

  “I must tell you the truth, love, and I pray that you will listen, for every word is spoken from my heart,” he continued, gently. “Today, I stood in a quiet room with Lord Northcliffe before me, my pistol aimed at his chest — and I could not take the shot. All I could think of was you. My mind and my heart were filled with you. I thought of your voice, your smile, your tenderness and compassion. I thought of what our future could be like together, what I was about to throw away by taking vengeance in my own way. I finally chose to ignore my own desires and think only about you.” He smiled gently as she turned her gaze back toward him.

  “In that moment, I realized that I can have justice for Laura, but that I do not need to carry the guilt with me any longer. I am able to care for another without bringing any shame to my soul.”

  The only sound she made was a soft sniff.

  “My past remains a memory — but it does remain in the past, just as it should,” Daniel continued, reaching out to take hold of one of her hands. “In fact, I think, now that I know love with you, what I felt for her was affection, to be sure, but that was all it had time to develop into. I did not know her as I know you. I let anger take hold of me, and I allowed it to consume me. I became so determined to find justice for her death that I allowed it to take a hold of every part of my being. I refused to allow myself to feel, to love, to move on with my life. I was scared that if I gave you my heart, I would be betraying Laura’s memory, but I realize now that it was not so.”

  “Christina,” he whispered, knowing in his heart that he had to tell her the truth. “I have hidden this from myself and from you, but no longer.” Looking up at her, Daniel felt his heart swell, his mouth curving into a gentle, beautiful smile. “Christina, I love you,” he said, frankly.

  Her eyes widened as she stared at him.

  “I know I have been distant and cold, trying to keep away from you, but that was a ridiculous attempt to prevent the affection I felt growing into anything more.” His smile grew. “As I think you can guess, that did not work particularly well.”

  Seeing the stains of tears on her cheeks, Daniel brushed them away with his thumbs.

  “Christina,” he whispered, as a slight blush touched her cheeks. “I have pretended I feel nothing when the truth is, I am amazed at how much love for you continues to grow. Now that I have been able to see justice done, I feel as though my heart has been freed from its shackles and burst into life, sending a swell of love pouring through my veins. But that is because of you. It cannot be denied. It will not be denied. Oh, Christina, I will love you more with every day we spend together, if only you will give me another chance to prove myself to you.”

  Christina blinked, tears forming on her lashes again although they did not fall.

  “Prove yourself?” she asked, softly, her hands warming under his own. “What do you mean, Daniel?”

  He smiled at her, lifting one hand to brush his fingers down her cheek. “You told me that I was not the man who went out in a murderous rage, and you were right. But, at the time, I ignored your words, I did not heed your advice. I want to prove to you that I will listen to you, that I will respect you and that, most of all, I will love you with all that I have. You will not need to fear our future, for it will be one where affection and trust abounds. I want to prove that I am not the distant, cold husband you have known, but that I can change into the husband you deserve.”

  His throat ached with a sudden sharp pain as he looked at his wife’s face and took in her loveliness, almost overwhelmed by the depths in her eyes.

  “I don’t know, Daniel,” she said, her words nearly breaking his heart. “I gave you my love willingly, without condition, and yet you seemed determined to push me away. I know you had demons — we all do — but I just wish that you had seen fit to trust me with your burdens, to share your life with me and allow me to be there with you. If something else threatens you or angers you, how do I know you will not shut me away again? And will you continue on this path of justice for others?”

  “I understand what you feel,” he said with a sigh. “Sometimes with all that I see in the world, it is difficult to have hope that all is not in darkness. I realize that. And I know, from the women I have helped, that it can be difficult to find that light again when it has been dark for so long. I promise that going forward, I will turn my focus solely on bettering lives of those who need it, and not on a quest for revenge.” He paused, a thought coming to him. “Can I show you something? We will have to go for a carriage ride — but only if you feel well enough.”

  She hesitated but nodded, and went to call for her lady’s maid, but he shook his head. Woodward had dismissed all of the house servants for the day for his test of Christina, but he didn't want to return to that topic at the moment. Daniel returned to her room, relieved to see Hudson had already removed Woodward, hopefully to a hospital. With little effort, he found what he knew to be her favorite day dress in the armoire and brought it to her. He untied the back of her gown, slipping it off her shoulders, marveling anew at her form.

  As he helped her into the pale blue dress, she looked up at him, some wonder in her gaze. “How did you know—”

  “That you would want this dress?” he finished. “I’ve seen how often you wear it, especially when you are reading or taking time to yourself. It is rather soft fabric, as well, and I thought something comfortable would be a good choice. Come now,” he said, leading her to the hallway and down the stairs, halting at the bottom as he realized he had no butler to inform the stable master that he needed the carriage readied.

  He led her out to the stables himself, surprising the young lads when he told them to ready the carriage. As he led her up to the seat, not wanting to let go, he could only hope that what she would see would change her opinion of him.

  * * *

  Christina tried to keep the frown from her face as she looked at her husband out of the corner of her eye. What could he possibly show her that would make any difference in determining what he felt for her, how he would treat her in the future? There was no way to determine that but time, she mused, and she couldn’t torture herself by continuing to grow deeper in love with him if he was only to turn her away at the end of it all.

  She was surprised when they traveled out of Mayfair, toward the poorer part of London, but they stopped just on the outskirts of St. Giles.

  Daniel reached up a hand to help her down, and she certainly couldn’t fault his attentiveness, as he tucked her hand in the crook of his arm, as if not wanting her too far away from him. They walked up to a nondescript house, though Christina realized it was fairly well taken care of in comparison to some of the other buildings around them.

  “In here,” he said, knocking on the door, and a slot was opened, only for two eyes to peer out at them.

  “It is only me, Mrs. Smith,” he said, and the door was opened, welcoming him in.

  “Hello,” Daniel said warmly. “May I present my wife, Lady Ravenhall? I thought she might enjoy a tour of the home.”

  Christina nodded at the woman, though she had a great number of questions as to where they were and what they were doing here.

  “Oh, Lady Ravenhall,” Mrs. Smith said. “How lovely to meet you. You are fortunate to have married a very, very generous man. Would you like to walk around, to meet some of the women?”

  Christina realized then where they were — this was one
of the houses Lord Hudson had told her about, where Daniel was helping women in need. She looked back at him, but he simply smiled at her and gave a wave of his hand.

  “Go on,” he said. “I will have to remain here, as men don’t go beyond the entryway — even Lord Hudson and myself — for various reasons. But you are more than welcome to continue on.”

  Christina nodded and followed Mrs. Smith, very curious indeed.

  25

  Daniel wrung his hands together as he waited for Christina. He didn’t know if bringing her here would change anything, but he had to help her understand what he had seen, what haunted him so, why he had been so reluctant to allow her to see the feelings he held for her. He thought — he hoped — that bringing her here would help explain some of that, and that speaking to some of the women here would show her the possibilities of a second chance — for both of them.

  When she finally returned, he jumped to his feet, but she wore a fairly indiscriminate expression.

  “Thank you for your visit, Lord Ravenhall, Lady Ravenhall,” Mrs. Smith said profusely. “We look forward to your return.”

  “Absolutely, Mrs. Smith,” he said. “And thank you for your continued kindness.”

  Christina said nothing as they walked to the carriage, and when he sat beside her, he felt his heart pounding hard against his chest. Never before in his life — not even when he had approached Lord Northcliffe’s room in the inn — had he felt such anticipation, knowing his life could change by the next words she uttered.

  When she finally turned to him, however, her eyes were bright with a mixture of happiness and tears — and Daniel sighed with relief.

  “I’m sorry I doubted you,” she said, and he closed his eyes at her words. “Those women — those children — their lives have been saved because of you. You are a hero to them. I can only imagine what you have seen as you have helped people like them to find new lives for themselves.” She was quiet for a moment. “You are a good man, Daniel. I should have realized that, should have let your words be enough.”

  He shook his head. “I didn’t give you any reason to trust me, any reason to come to know me at all as I forced the distance between us. Will you forgive me?”

  “Of course I will,” she whispered, leaning forward to look a little more keenly into his eyes. “I spoke to many of the women while I was inside. While some remain lost, scared, and hopeless, there are others who seem to be genuinely happy. Despite all they’ve gone through, how they’ve been treated, and what they have seen, they have hope for a better future, for themselves and for their children. They have that hope because of you. As with anyone, there is both darkness and light within you, but I think Daniel, that the light is beginning to win.”

  She paused for a moment.

  “You came back to me, Daniel. You did not follow through with murder. You made a promise to me and kept it. You do wonderful, amazing things for those who need it. I want to share that life with you, as true husband and wife, to help you, to be there with you, by your side.”

  His throat worked, his hands tightening on hers as gratefulness overwhelmed him. Surely, he did not deserve her love, did not deserve to even have Christina as his wife.

  “Your father should never once have told you that your beauty was nothing to speak of,” he murmured, overcome as he framed her face with his hands. “You have more beauty than anyone I have ever met. You practically shine with your loveliness, your gentleness, and your kind heart. What I have done to deserve such an angel as you is quite beyond my understanding.”

  Her expression softened all the more as she lifted her arms around his neck and, resting her forehead against his, and lingered there in silence. Daniel closed his eyes, choosing to simply be in the moment when all was finally at peace. The past was gone and all there was now was Christina.

  “I love you, Daniel,” Christina whispered, lifting her head just a little to look into his eyes. “I love you more than I can ever say.”

  He smiled at her then, amazed at how their difficult circumstances had somehow brought them together. “And I love you, Christina,” he replied, one hand beginning to pull the pins from her hair, as a desperate urge to have her tresses running through his fingers tugged at him. “I will never leave your side — or your bed — again.”

  She laughed, her lips fleetingly brushing his before, finally, Daniel kissed her. It was soft and tender, a mending of two broken hearts, before the fire that began to burn inside of him grew ever hotter. Christina pulled away, her breathing ragged and heat burning in her gaze.

  “I will never leave you again,” Daniel repeated, lifting her so that she sat on his lap. “Let me prove it to you now.”

  “Daniel!” Christina giggled. “We are in a carriage in the middle of London!”

  “I will have you fully attired by the time we reach home,” he promised and was grateful when she nodded and laughed in agreement.

  * * *

  She had never thought it possible to be as truly happy as she was in this moment. Christina’s heart felt so full it was near bursting as she brought her palms around her husband’s face, feeling the scratch of the stubble upon his chin.

  While they had been married for near two months, but it was only now, in this moment, that she finally understood what it meant to be a wife, to have a husband who returned all of the love and affection she felt for him in equal measure. It was beyond words, the emotion pouring through her soul, beginning in her chest and emanating outward to every part of her.

  His laughter died as the crystal blue of his eyes roamed over her face.

  “You are so very beautiful -- outwardly and within,” he said, before gently kissing her lips. She fully expected him to ravage her mouth, but instead, he leaned back slightly and nibbled, creating a sensation that sent a shot of heat straight to her core.

  Their love was something she had yearned for her entire life, but this — this passion was something she had never known was possible, a gift that she would have never known to ask for.

  His strong hands came around her, one hand stroking the back of her neck, tilting her head to the side while his lips kissed a trail down her sensitive skin. His other hand came to her back, undoing the top few pearl buttons of her gown, the light touch of his fingers upon her skin causing her to shiver. He pulled her closer as he inched the shoulders of her dress down one shoulder and then the other, his lips following where he removed the fabric.

  “My God, I cannot get enough of you,” he said, his voice ragged, and a surge of power blasted through her, that she was causing this feeling within him, this strength and weakness all in the same breath.

  She brought her fingers to his cravat, clumsily undoing it, desperate to feel more of him. He took pity on her, helping her to loosen it before tossing it on the seat beside him. Daniel seemed much more interested in divesting her of her clothing, however, and he lowered her dress so that it sat under her bosom. He wasted no time in taking her breasts in his hands before bringing his mouth to the raised bud of one nipple.

  She threw her head back at the majestic feel of his kisses, finally no longer ashamed of the size of her ample chest, as clearly, Daniel delighted in it. She could feel him hard against her, and she began to unlace the fall of his breeches, finding his thick manhood underneath. She stroked the smooth skin, and he jumped toward her, hastily lifting her skirts from around her legs so that she sat atop of him, flesh to flesh.

  Christina couldn’t keep herself from grinding against him, and he let out a pained groan before bringing his hand to her, stroking her for just a moment before he was apparently unable to wait any longer, and he lifted her up, making her gasp, before bringing her down on top of him. He filled her, making her feel utterly complete. Then his hands came to her hips, and he began to move her back and forth on top of him, until she found the motion herself and he let his hands fall away and return to her breasts, her hair, her back, seemingly everywhere at once as she rocked against him.

  This ti
me was different, in so many ways. She had the power to move as she pleased, to find what felt right to her. And this time, she was complete in the knowledge that her husband loved her with equal measure as she did him. This joining was not one to simply validate their marriage, but to celebrate what it meant.

  The rush began to tingle throughout her body, and it wasn’t long before it burst into waves upon waves that flowed through her entire frame. She was still lost, languid in all the sensations when Daniel gave a shout and began to pulse within her, and she clutched him tightly to her while his release coursed through him.

  They stayed like that, hanging onto one another, for what could have been seconds or minutes, she wasn’t entirely certain. It seemed too soon that he murmured in her ear, “Time to dismount, love,” before lifting her off of him and settling her beside him, and together they worked to redress themselves. Christina had just finished tucking the tendrils of hair back into her chignon when the carriage pulled to a stop, and she looked out the window at their townhouse.

  “I told you I would have you back to a proper state by the time we arrived,” Daniel said with a wicked grin. “And I will always follow through on my promises to you.”

  She smiled at him in return, trusting in all he said and knowing that he would be true to his word. He cocked his head and looked at her.

  “How do you feel about the countryside?” he asked, and she tried not to show how much hope his words brought to her being.

  “Oh, Daniel, I do enjoy it,” she said in a rush. “Although, if you prefer to remain in London for a time, I understand. Wherever you need to be—”