Moments of Clarity
Page 32
See, if he’d told me, “You’re going to write a book, you’re going to be on TV,” I wouldn’t have believed that. But that’s what’s happened. And I’m always at service. I had a friend call me the other day, a friend who was there when I got out. She called me the other day and she’s smoking crack. I went down to her and I asked, “How can I help?” She says, “Just listen to me.” I sit down and listen. I know how powerful it is to have someone listen.
And I know what it’s like to be a gangbanger and what that leads to. One day I was in Inglewood passing by a building and I saw some weights outside in the yard. Something made me pull over, and I saw this guy and asked, “Is this a gym or something?” It’s a continuation school for kids who have trouble in regular high schools. I talk to this guy for a while and he says, “Do you want to talk with the kids?” and I said yeah. So I walk inside there, and I saw all the little young gangbangers and I’m like, “What’s up, youngster? Where you from?” “I’m from nowhere.”
I’ve been working with the kids in Inglewood for damn near a year now. All they wanted was somebody who would listen to them, somebody they can relate to, and I can do that. I took thirty-five of them to a university campus and let them see—“This is what’s ahead of you if you want it. It might not be this school but it could be something like this. But you got to want it, and you got to work at it.” So they’re like, “Oh! You in school now?” I say no but then—I’m telling all the kids “go to school go to school” but I’m the one who’s not going to school. So that’s why I enrolled.
Every single time I brush my teeth, in the daytime and in the nighttime, I think about the man in the mirror. I hold tight to that moment, and I hold tight to my sobriety. I’m very grateful and I’m very humble. My thing is to be of service, to help those who suffer, because somebody helped me.
Epilogue
T
he day I finished this book and sent it off to the publisher my manager called to ask if I had seen a show called Intervention. The producer was interested in talking to me about hosting another
show they wanted to do on recovery. I told him I hadn’t seen the show but would meet the producer because he was from Boston and his cousin used to work with my sister at Jordan Marsh. I have a deep and unwavering trust in things that come out of nowhere. My girlfriend, whose beauty is surpassed only by her taste, told me Intervention was one of her favorite shows on television, and after watching a few episodes I had to agree. I met the producer for lunch at the Polo Lounge at the Beverly Hills Hotel. That was the only thing “Hollywood” about the lunch; the guy got two phone calls while we were eating, but one was from his wife and the other was from his mother. He explained he wanted me to host a one-hour interview show, focusing on what the lives were like now for some of the addicts and alcoholics who had found recovery as a result of being on Intervention. The fact that I had never done anything like host a talk show didn’t seem to bother him at all.
Two weeks later I found myself standing on a darkened Hollywood soundstage in front of a live audience, three interventionists, and six brave souls who had hit bottom on national television, waiting for the lights to come up and the show to go on. Everyone was relying on me to do a good job.
Whose idea was this anyway? Clearly somebody had made a big mistake. I don’t know how to do THIS! As I was about to raise my hand and ask to be excused, one of the interventionists, Candy Finnegan, ambled over and whispered, “How’s your book coming?”
“I turned it in to my publisher two weeks ago,” I said, trying to stay focused on the terror at hand.
“I had a moment of clarity,” Candy continued, not realizing how attached I was to being fully focused on my fear.
“Really,” I said not very enthusiastically.
“Yeah. I was forty-nine days sober and I was on a plane with my kids going from Wichita to Denver heading right into a tornado. I could see it just off the right wing. We were bouncing all over the place, everyone was panicked. I rang the bell for a flight attendant who showed up at my seat with a handful of throw-up bags. I told her that barfing was not my problem—drinking was, and implored her to make an announcement over the intercom asking if there was anyone on the plane who knew Bill W., which all of us in recovery know is code for another person in recovery. I told her I had to talk to another recovering alcoholic because if I didn’t I might drink—or worse. She leaned down, grabbing both armrests on my seat, getting right in my face, and said, ‘Honey, stand up and look for him yourself.’
“I looked into her eyes and said with the urgency of desperation, ‘I need you to do this or I’m going to drink.’
“My kids were looking at me like dogs on a freeway as the flight attendant walked to the front of the plane, reluctantly picked up the microphone, and asked if there was somebody who knew Bill W. to please ring their call button.
“The silence was deafening.”
She went on to say, “Now understand, Chris, I had been sober for forty-nine days. I had heard all about God and the turning-it-over stuff, but until that moment on the plane, squeezing my kid’s hand like it was the last thing I might do in this life, I never really got it. I closed my eyes and went to a place I had never gone before. It was my surrender. For the first time in my life I asked for help, leaving the results up to something greater than me. Just as I did, the plane turned out of Kansas and the turbulence stopped. Just like that—it was over. I looked up from my prayer and as I did the cockpit door opened and the captain stepped out. He walked over to me and said, ‘Did you ask for me?’
“ ‘No sir, I asked for someone who knew Bill W.,’ I said.
“ ‘That’s me. I’m a friend of Bill W.,’ he said. ‘Don’t worry, everything is going to be okay; you and your kids are in my hands.’
“I thanked him and told him that he needed to get back up front to fly the plane. As he left, my five-year-old son looked at me and asked, ‘That wasn’t God was it?’
“ ‘No, baby, but close enough,’ I said.”
I thanked Candy for the story.
“I figured you needed it,” she said. “Just remember, you’re not alone.”
Acknow ledgments
M
y thanks to Laurie Liss for the inspiration to do such a book and Maureen O’Brien for having the vision to see its potential and the courage to buy it. To my collaborator, Jan Werner, for
working much harder than she was obliged to, and for the skill and empathy with which she cared for these stories. To our editor Marjorie Braman, who inherited this project but treated it as if it was one of her own, giving us her invaluable experience and insight. To the friends who encouraged, inspired, and helped us along the way, especially Ken Cross, Kale Browne, David Black, Bill Teuteberg, Sara McNitt, Matt Eakin, and Tim Tankosic. To the good folks at Caron Treatment Centers, who have dedicated their lives to helping addicts and alcoholics realize their moments of clarity. I want also to acknowledge the people who made this process really, really, really difficult—you know who you are. And lastly, I want to express my profound gratitude to all of those who shared their moments of clarity with me, for your honesty and the trust you placed in me. Your courage to publicly claim your recovery in the hope that others might be inspired to find a better life is breathtaking.
About the Author
Christopher Kennedy Lawford holds a bachelor of arts from Tufts University, a Juris Doctor from Boston College Law School, and a master’s certification in clinical psychology from Harvard Medical School. He has worked extensively in Hollywood as an actor, lawyer, executive, and producer, and his first book, Symptoms of Withdrawal, debuted on the New York Times bestseller list. He has three children and lives in Marina Del Rey, California.
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Copyright
MOMENTS OF CLARITY . Copyright © 2009 by Christopher Kennedy Lawford. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
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Table of Contents
Epigraph
Foreword
Introduction
Jim Vance
Susan Cheever
Chris Gerolmo
Aimee Liu
Ron Smith
David Black
Alec Baldwin
Judy Collins
Mike Binder
Dallas Taylor
Ed Begley Jr.
Kelly McGillis
Gerry Cooney
Steve Earle
Stephen Bergmanand Janet Surrey 91
Richard Dreyfuss
David James Elliott
Tom Arnold
Velvet Mangan
Jamie Lee Curtis
Earl Hightower
Chris Mecham
Karl Fleming
Larry Kudlow
Lou Gossett Jr.
Malachy McCourt
Greg Behrendt
Marie Morning- Glory
Thomas Henderson
Mike Early
Denny Seiwell
Michael Glasser
Bob Timmons
Rudy Tomjanovich
Richard Lewis
Katey Sagal
Jim Ramstad
Kale Browne
Martin Sheen
Max Cleland
Elaine Stritch
Dejuan Verrett
Epilogue
Ac knowledgments
About the Author
Other Books by Christopher Kennedy Lawford
Credits